Cornputer Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 I have been seeing this guy for 4 months now. He's been wonderful, we have had arguments and issues because we are so different personality wise + there is some distance between us now, but we have managed to make it work and have adjusted to one another quite a bit. That might be a red flag so early on but we both come from toxic relationships. We recently had a heart to heart and our differences really came to light, and so far it seems that they're all behind us. I am not worried. + we're young and often a bit dumb about things.. One thing I cannot shake is my fear that I might be cheated on again. In my last relationship, the coward cheated on me in the most disgusting way (in my opinion), then lied, gaslighted and so on. I felt humiliated and every bit of my self confidence, well, out the door. It absolutely destroyed me and I guess I still haven't fully owned it as I try to ignore it most of the time. That's how I am with the new guy as well. I ignore the fear (I wouldn't call it jealousy). I say to myself "Hey we're not exclusive, so if he does anything out of my comfort zone, it's not personal and I'll just leave", then the worry fades. I just ignore it and say "It doesn't matter". I have explained that mindset to my guy and it hurts him. He is very committed to me and already has mentioned becoming exclusive, his mum left me a chocolate Easter bunny when I was around, his friends know about me, also his grandparents. He is serious about me. And what's ridiculous is that I know he wouldn't cheat?! He is not THAT guy, he really isn't. I bet it's horrid to give everything to a person who is unable to trust fully, no matter what you do. But this has been the norm in my life - everyone I have genuinely cared about has betrayed me one way or another. I attracted bad people because of how broken I used to be. I know he is different, in my mind, but my still fragile heart just keeps me worried and fearful. I am definitely over my ex, although I am not over what he did to me and I don't think I ever fully can be. He abused me severely and by the end, I was his brainwashed pile of sadness and nothing else. I am content with myself now, I am young (20) with a great career and a great future. I'm a loner by nature and happy with being alone, I don't need a relationship. But this guy I really do love. I know I'd be okay if I left, and he would eventually be, too. But how can I stay when I am technically trying to sabotage the relationship? I keep hurting him by doing this and I don't want that? I want him to be happy and I know someone would open up and give him the comfort he truly deserves, no matter how dramatic that might sound. I have thought about therapy but currently am unable to, for various reasons. So I was thinking that maybe some people more wise would have some ideas or tips for me? Thanks for reading.
Curiousroxy86 Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 ""Hey we're not exclusive, so if he does anything out of my comfort zone, it's not personal and I'll just leave", I am a bit confused. so you too are not exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. so technically either one of you can go be with someone else and it wouldn't be "cheating"???
Author Cornputer Posted April 30, 2019 Author Posted April 30, 2019 ""Hey we're not exclusive, so if he does anything out of my comfort zone, it's not personal and I'll just leave", I am a bit confused. so you too are not exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. so technically either one of you can go be with someone else and it wouldn't be "cheating"??? We are not officially boyfriend/girlfriend, no. So if a third party got involved, technically it wouldn't be cheating in my opinion. A ****ty thing to do, that's for sure.
PegNosePete Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 So to recap... You've had lots of arguments and issues. You've adjusted to one another quite a bit. You've had a heart to heart and put your differences behind you. You say he is very committed to you and is serious about you. You say you really love him. None of this makes sense, when you've been seeing him for only 4 months are aren't even exclusive! What you describe above sounds like a well established relationship of multiple years. Why aren't you exclusive? All this discussion about maybe being exclusive one day blah blah, what is all that about? It's not like you're proposing marriage. If you don't want to date others and neither does he, then what is the problem being exclusive? Why not just say to him look, I don't want to date anyone else, and if you don't either then lets agree not to?
Author Cornputer Posted April 30, 2019 Author Posted April 30, 2019 So to recap... You've had lots of arguments and issues. You've adjusted to one another quite a bit. You've had a heart to heart and put your differences behind you. You say he is very committed to you and is serious about you. You say you really love him. None of this makes sense, when you've been seeing him for only 4 months are aren't even exclusive! What you describe above sounds like a well established relationship of multiple years. Why aren't you exclusive? All this discussion about maybe being exclusive one day blah blah, what is all that about? It's not like you're proposing marriage. If you don't want to date others and neither does he, then what is the problem being exclusive? Why not just say to him look, I don't want to date anyone else, and if you don't either then lets agree not to? Merely because of my fears. Right now, not being exclusive is what helps me calm down when I get worried, because I just say to myself "It doesn't matter, we're not exclusive". Becoming an "official couple" is a big deal to me as I'm a pretty private person and a loner, I've never introduced a guy to my family or friends. It's new to me and I see it as a big deal. I am committed to him and not seeing anyone else, but the title "girlfriend" is not something I am used to. About us coming off as a long term couple, in general we're comfortable with each other, that's all. When I say we have adjusted and left things behind, I'm talking about his low temper and me disappearing after arguments for a "think-break" instead of being there for the person, things like that. Behaviors that are fairly toxic anyway.
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 You’ve been dating four four months and you say that you love this guy... why exactly are you not exclusive? And why, are you having sex with this guy if you are not exclusive? That’s unwise, and unsafe, in my humble opinion... Look, you will trust him if and when you believe that you are strong enough and confident enough to handle whatever happens. Look at it this way, the worst happened - and you got through it! Another stone on the path of life, but it didn’t trip you up and you learned from the experience. You also learned that you were strong enough to get through the experience - what a great life lesson! Relationships are always a risk, but to enjoy the reward you must take the risk. You can hold yourself back but as you will learn, that tends to create a different kind of pain. So, why not take the risk? The key - choose your partner wisely. Place your trust wisely. 1
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Merely because of my fears. Right now, not being exclusive is what helps me calm down when I get worried, because I just say to myself "It doesn't matter, we're not exclusive". Becoming an "official couple" is a big deal to me as I'm a pretty private person and a loner, I've never introduced a guy to my family or friends. It's new to me and I see it as a big deal. I am committed to him and not seeing anyone else, but the title "girlfriend" is not something I am used to. About us coming off as a long term couple, in general we're comfortable with each other, that's all. When I say we have adjusted and left things behind, I'm talking about his low temper and me disappearing after arguments for a "think-break" instead of being there for the person, things like that. Behaviors that are fairly toxic anyway. Are you in school? Perhaps there is a campus counselling service that you could access. They may have some good advice to help manage your anxiety. When you meet the right guy, you will want to be his girlfriend and introduce him to your family/friends.
Author Cornputer Posted April 30, 2019 Author Posted April 30, 2019 You’ve been dating four four months and you say that you love this guy... why exactly are you not exclusive? And why, are you having sex with this guy if you are not exclusive? That’s unwise, and unsafe, in my humble opinion... Look, you will trust him if and when you believe that you are strong enough and confident enough to handle whatever happens. Look at it this way, the worst happened - and you got through it! Another stone on the path of life, but it didn’t trip you up and you learned from the experience. You also learned that you were strong enough to get through the experience - what a great life lesson! Relationships are always a risk, but to enjoy the reward you must take the risk. You can hold yourself back but as you will learn, that tends to create a different kind of pain. So, why not take the risk? The key - choose your partner wisely. Place your trust wisely. I really loved your message, thank you for this. You're absolutely right, I did get through a very dark time and really did take my lesson to heart, maybe a bit too much even.. I seem to always try and sabotage my happiness, not sure why. Not being exclusive has been the safety net for me, there to protect me against fears with no base whatsoever.. How do you trust someone to not hurt you? You just do it and that's it?
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Cornputer, I’ve looked at your past threads and I have one more bit of advice.... My friend, you have a lot that you are dealing with right now. As a daughter who has had a mother with cancer, I will say that this is not easy. And, I was a lot older than you... So, with kindness I would like to suggest... Perhaps, you shouldn’t be worried about dating anyone right now, at this young age. Dating should be fun! You should be meeting people, and having fun, and spending time with friends. The fact that you have been cheated on, have so much anxiety about dating, and you are fighting with this guy is a huge red flag that you are just not ready. Be with your family and build your own life... everything in good time. Best wishes. 3
TheFinalWord Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 If he is the guy for you, he will not be so worried about titles and labels. He will be more focused on making sure you feel safe with him. To get to a point that you can be vulnerable and that when you do so, he will respect that and show you that he still loves you even when you show him all your cards. Work on building trust, instead of focusing on labels. Good luck! 1
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 How do you trust someone to not hurt you? You just do it and that's it? There are no guarantees in life. Read these boards, ans you will hear from people who thought they had the best marriage and trusted their partner implicitely, only to learn they were cheating. Unfortunately, there is no way to gauruntee that someone will not hurt you. Now, I have never been cheated on, but I have been hurt by people. I have been disappointed. And, you will be too. It’s not possible to go through life without being hurt by people. Your sister could hurt you. Your best friend could hurt you. Your boyfriend could could hurt you. The key, is developing your self esteem and your confidence such that you will be able to deal with the situation, if it should happen. And, that’s why I suggest that you take a break from dating. You have a lot to learn about life. Have some experiences - I hate to say it, but you need to fail a few times and be hurt to develop the absolute knowledge that you will get through it! It’s called - resiliency! And when you have these experiences - both good and bad - your confidence and self esteem will grow... such that, the next person who comes along and does something hurtful will not rattle your confidence and cause you to loose faith in people in the same way... And of course, it always comes down to choosing the right person. I trust my boyfriend implicitly. I know he is a good person. I know he loves me. I know he is good and honest, and kind... It’s possible that he may hurt me someday, and that would suck! But, my life will go on... I will get through it, just like I have gotten through every other failure and setback in my life. 1
Author Cornputer Posted April 30, 2019 Author Posted April 30, 2019 Cornputer, I’ve looked at your past threads and I have one more bit of advice.... My friend, you have a lot that you are dealing with right now. As a daughter who has had a mother with cancer, I will say that this is not easy. And, I was a lot older than you... So, with kindness I would like to suggest... Perhaps, you shouldn’t be worried about dating anyone right now, at this young age. Dating should be fun! You should be meeting people, and having fun, and spending time with friends. The fact that you have been cheated on, have so much anxiety about dating, and you are fighting with this guy is a huge red flag that you are just not ready. Be with your family and build your own life... everything in good time. Best wishes. Thanks Bailey, I definitely see where you are coming from. I love the guy, but I also hold on to him is because when we're together, I do feel 20 again. We travel and do dumb things, while normally I just work a lot and now moved back to my parents's place to help take care of mum (nothing bad about that, love her to bits). Otherwise I don't really have many people my age around me and I don't exactly live like a 20 year old. I'm sorry your mum, you and the family had to go through that horrible road, cancer truly is a horrible thing.
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 (edited) Thanks Bailey, I definitely see where you are coming from. I love the guy, but I also hold on to him is because when we're together, I do feel 20 again. We travel and do dumb things, while normally I just work a lot and now moved back to my parents's place to help take care of mum (nothing bad about that, love her to bits). Otherwise I don't really have many people my age around me and I don't exactly live like a 20 year old. I'm sorry your mum, you and the family had to go through that horrible road, cancer truly is a horrible thing. Ah, darling girl... that in itself is a good reason to spend time with him. But, he should lift you up and bring joy to your life - or, it’s not worth it. Can I ask, are you going to school or working? Perhaps, there are some social groups you could join? It’s important to live your life as much as you can, while being there with your family. You must be such a blessing to your mom. But, be kind to yourself too. Take care of yourself. Again, if you have the opportunity to talk to a counsellor. They had cousellors available for family member through the cancer centre. I definitely saw a counsellor when my mom was ill... it helped to have someone to talk with - even on the days when all I did was cry... take care. ETA: If there was one thing that I learned during my mom’s illness and her passing, it was that if I could survive that, I could get through anything! It also brings things into very clear perspective... the little things in life, they don’t matter. It’s about surrounding yourself with good people, building relationships, loving each other, taking risks, and living everyday of your life. Edited April 30, 2019 by BaileyB
curlygirl40 Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 I really loved your message, thank you for this. You're absolutely right, I did get through a very dark time and really did take my lesson to heart, maybe a bit too much even.. I seem to always try and sabotage my happiness, not sure why. Not being exclusive has been the safety net for me, there to protect me against fears with no base whatsoever.. How do you trust someone to not hurt you? You just do it and that's it? Honestly I think we all know here that it doesn't matter what you label it, exclusive or not, if he were to betray you in any way at this point, you will still be hurt. That comes with love. So I would not concentrate on that 'label' as much. Don't punish him for someone else's mistake. Give him a clean slate that he deserves, he's done nothing to hurt you. You have to trust him but you have to trust yourself more. It's more about trusting yourself to do the right thing if he were to ever betray you. And if he does, that's on him and not something you can control. No amount of worry will ever prevent it from happening. Your gut tells you he's not that type of guy. Live bravely and trust that. And if he does betray you in the future, trust in yourself enough to know that you will walk away with your head high, knowing that you went into this with good intentions and that you loved bravely. You're so young, you have a lot of lessons yet to learn. I also think counseling will help wrap your head around some of this and teach you a lot about yourself. Good luck to you. 1
smackie9 Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 I think how you feel is pretty normal. When we fall in love we fear the worst, fear of being cheated on, fear of losing them, fear of being lied to, etc. It just does that to our brain. Since you are not "official" you are hanging by a thread of anxiety wondering what is going to go wrong. Of course it's compounded with your past history. If you say you are happy np being single, then I suggest you go that route to clear you head, and spend time focusing on you and your own life. I know this for a fact, a man doesn't buy you happiness..only you can do that for yourself.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 (edited) One thing I cannot shake is my fear that I might be cheated on again. I am definitely over my ex, although I am not over what he did to me and I don't think I ever fully can be. He abused me severely and by the end, I was his brainwashed pile of sadness and nothing else. You are not ready to date and if you continue seeing this guy, you will put him through a nightmare. I dated a guy who just as paranoid as you and that was absolute hell. He constantly accused me of cheating and blamed me for the way he felt. The way you are treating this guy is unfair and you will drive him away. You will then be convinced that he was a terrible guy. I've been hurt and dumped by other guys, but every new person deserves a chance. Its not his fault your exes cheated on you or abused you. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Cornputer Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 Ah, darling girl... that in itself is a good reason to spend time with him. But, he should lift you up and bring joy to your life - or, it’s not worth it. Can I ask, are you going to school or working? Perhaps, there are some social groups you could join? It’s important to live your life as much as you can, while being there with your family. You must be such a blessing to your mom. But, be kind to yourself too. Take care of yourself. Again, if you have the opportunity to talk to a counsellor. They had cousellors available for family member through the cancer centre. I definitely saw a counsellor when my mom was ill... it helped to have someone to talk with - even on the days when all I did was cry... take care. ETA: If there was one thing that I learned during my mom’s illness and her passing, it was that if I could survive that, I could get through anything! It also brings things into very clear perspective... the little things in life, they don’t matter. It’s about surrounding yourself with good people, building relationships, loving each other, taking risks, and living everyday of your life. Hi Bailey, Sorry for responding late. I work a steady job and do attend university on the side, all my courses are online. The counsellor available in uni I really do not have a connection with.. She was, in my opinion, strangely calculating for a counsellor.. I did not feel comfortable with her. Attending therapy is a bit difficult as I am away from my city most of the time, I could see a therapist every 3 weeks but I'm not sure about that.. I have many hobbies but they don't include people at all, really. I love hiking/camping solo, I do kickboxing with a personal trainer, I read/draw a lot and am part of a fostering program. Every once in a while I have a furball staying with me, that's always nice! Bless your mum. I am glad I don't know what losing a parent feels like, to me it is heart warming to hear you came out of it still hopeful and full of life, I bet your mother would smile at that. Losing my best friend a few years ago tore me down terribly, but eventually I owned and embraced it, instead of mourning. Now when something reminds me of her, I just smile. The grief is beautiful in a way.
Author Cornputer Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 I have thought about this a lot, till I realized I think too much about things. He really is not guilty of what happened in MY past, the guy knows everything about my insecurities, my past and still supports me and tells me he's willing to be patient. My insecurities technically have nothing to do with him and I'm tired of being scared of exclusivity and full on commitment.. He makes me happy, makes me feel silly, he loves the weird things about me and vice versa. We're meeting next weekend (some distance between us) and I'll tell him I'd like to be an exclusive couple. I probably sound a bit dramatic to some but commitment "like this" is important to me.. If things for some reason don't work out, fine, I'll be okay and he will be, too. But for now, one day at a time!
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 We're meeting next weekend (some distance between us) and I'll tell him I'd like to be an exclusive couple. Good for you! I like the advice earlier to be brave - well done. Best wishes to you and your mum. She has certainly done her job well, to raise such a kind, thoughtful, and articulate young woman. May she have strength and healing...
Recommended Posts