1lesslonelygirl Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 So there is this guy and I really like him. We have only been talking for a few weeks but I feel like it could really be something special. He is thoughtful, sweet, caring, attentive. The issue that I have with him is that he is over weight. Like he has a belly and man boobs. While he is handsome in the face I am not all that attracted to his body. Is it shallow of me to not date him because of this? I need help!
basil67 Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Yes, it's shallow. But a lot of humans are shallow....and you need to be sexually attracted to make it work. 2
todreaminblue Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 if you decide what is most important to you ..you will know the answer to your question....deb 1
TheFinalWord Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 If you're posting about it here, it's enough of an issue that you are going to be unhappy. You have to have sexual attraction. But you should cut things off soon so you don't get his hopes up. One thing women sometimes do that is really hurtful to guys is to "find themselves" while getting a guys hopes up. Like testing out a guy to see if they're healed from an old relationship. Or seeing if their attraction for a guy will grow over time. In the meantime the guy thinks she is into him and he gets his hopes up, only to be rejected. It's okay to be shallow, but not selfish...off topic I know, but had to throw that in there. 5
todreaminblue Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 If you're posting about it here, it's enough of an issue that you are going to be unhappy. You have to have sexual attraction. But you should cut things off soon so you don't get his hopes up. One thing women sometimes do that is really hurtful to guys is to "find themselves" while getting a guys hopes up. Like testing out a guy to see if they're healed from an old relationship. Or seeing if their attraction for a guy will grow over time. In the meantime the guy thinks she is into him and he gets his hopes up, only to be rejected. It's okay to be shallow, but not selfish...off topic I know, but had to throw that in there. too true final word...its not right to let a guy get his hopes up...it is much kinder to a guy to let him go find someone who truly cares for him ...and is attracted to all of him ...its the right thing to do ...to let the guy go .....deb 2
Andy_K Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 No, it's not shallow. Someone's weight is reflective of their lifestyle and attitudes, it's not just superficial. It takes years of neglect for a guy to get to the stage where they have a gut and man boobs. It can say any number of things beyond looks - maybe they lack discipline, willpower, or a work ethic. Maybe they don't care about their body or health. Maybe they live a busy (unbalanced?) life where they have no time for it. Any of these things are legitimate reasons for deciding someone isn't compatible with you, and in every case excess weight is the symptom, not the underlying cause. 1
AGoodFriend Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 He's friend material for you. Imagine if you two move into something more serious and it's time to get down to business. You will be turned off. He'll sense that and it could cause him a lot of pain as well.
fishlips Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 I don't think you are shallow and yes, sexual attraction is important, but people can lose weight. If you are otherwise compatible, I say give him a chance and encourage him to participate in activities that would get him moving. He might lost weight and become exactly what you want. Or maybe you might just find him more attractive as you get to know him. What do you have to lose by giving it a try?
Lotsgoingon Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Your focus is wrong. The problem isn't that he's overweight and has man-boobs and all of that. The problem is you don't find him attractive ... and don't find him attractive even knowing and having experienced his good qualities. Wanting to be with someone you find attractive isn't shallow. That's basic romance 101. What's shallow and naive is to pretend you can hold your breath and have a satisfying relationship with this guy despite not being turned on by him. Indeed you sound like you're repulsed by his appearance. You'll have a terrible sex life with this guy ... and not just this ... you won't even be affectionate ... He'll feel your rejection of his appearance and that will make him tremendously insecure over time ... and you'll be constantly tempted to stray and have an affair. You've already separated from this guy multiple times .... let him find someone else who does find him attractive. Would you want someone who finds you unattractive to hold their noses and stay with you? BTW: I have a close friend who was severely overweight and still incredibly popular with the women. Weight is only one factor in attractiveness. You have to be able to put the attractive question to bed ... if it keeps arising, then you need to move on. Nothing shallow about that ... What's difficult is that you have dismissed this feeling until now ... so that now it's more difficult to fully break things off. In the future, you want to get clear on attraction at the very start and not let things go for very long. But many of us make this mistake. I'm heading to a function in a month where an ex-girlfriend will also be in attendance--with her husband. Actually I found this woman to be pretty, but I just wasn't that attracted to her (there's a difference). She also had a wonderful personality. But like you, I didn't have words for this at the time and I'm sure I thought myself shallow for not wanting to marry her. Later I realized, OMG, as pretty as I thought she was, from day 1, I felt like she was a close friend. No doubt, I want a partner who is a close friend ... but not just a close friend. 4
fishlips Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Lotsgoingon, I didn't see the part about her being separated from him many times. She did say he was handsome in the face, just overweight. So she might be attracted on some level?
preraph Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 It's possible he JUST lost a lot of weight and that's why he has empty man boob and belly cells (you can diet and lose the fat but not the cells that house the fat). So you ought to try to look at old photos of him. The only other people I normally see with man boobs is like 12 year old boys who have never been made to go to gym and simply have no muscle structure holding things up. And then old men who are slack due to skin slackness. You have to be attracted to someone to want to be with them. It's just the way it is. Maybe don't drag this out and hurt him, but get to know him a little better and see if you're even compatible anyway and if that helps. The crap shoot dating is, chances are it will be something else that is the dealbreaker.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 It's not shallow. It's a health problem. I'm in good shape and have never felt sexually or romantically attracted to overweight men. A little padding is fine - obesity is a major problem and big turnoff.
preraph Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Even fat people can have happy lives and relationships, though. If she thinks she might really like him, she should see if she likes him well enough. 2
smackie9 Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 No it's not shallow. You are attracted to what you are attracted to, and obesity is not what attracts you. No one has to accept a person, just because "it's the right thing to do". it's not right or wrong, it's a matter of opinion/perspective. Guys face this more often because they are more about the physical more so than women are. My husband never dated any fat chicks, because he's not attracted to them. I'm not gonna hold that against him and say he was a shallow dbag. OP just accept your opinion and make him a good friend. He's probably happy that a girl is even talking to him.
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 Shallow is a little hard but the bottom line is you are not obligated to date somebody you are not attracted to. If you are on the fence, do go on a date or two & then take another look with your heart not just your eyes. Once of my EXs was a few pounds overweight but he was such a great guy that I rarely noticed that his "boobs" were bigger then mine. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 No...Not shallow... The world is full of women who marry/date "nice guys"/rich guys/etc but pay little attention to attraction/sexual chemistry....They eventually find themselves repulsed by the looks of these guys and cant get sexually aroused no matter what they do... Just bear this in mind though...You can also find some hot guy that is nothing like this guy in the other important areas...So just think about it and perhaps give it a chance... TFY 1
Highndry Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 If you're not attracted to his body with his clothes on, imagine how you're going to feel when he's all dressed up in his birthday suit? Just.no. This is not a match for you. 2
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