How should I make my girlfriend repay the money she owes me without hurting her?

April 30, 2019

Amazing the OP is being made out to be a jerk, yet no mention of her taking fifty thousand dollars from him, agreeing to pay it back, then not.

So he’s the bad guy here? I wonder how people would respond if she loaned the money and he defaulted?

I don't think he's a jerk. i think they both got themselves into this situation and it will take both of them to get out of it--they can choose if how the handling it will benefit the health of the relationship or not. I don't think he should "roll over" about the situation but he can do that without literally taking $50K back from her. I think it's a bit cheeky and presumptuous of her to have let it go but now that it has gone this far, it would be shocking to her that someone who she thinks of as her partner wants this money back in full. I guess she could take a second job--though that will mean less time with him and the kids. She could scrimp and not contribute as much to the household which would mean he would likely have to contribute more. The money and ability to pay it back seems like it's long gone. That's why i keep saying to deal with the here and now.

April 30, 2019

Surely she repays the money into a college fund which they put aside for their kids, this can be the only sensible outcome.

April 30, 2019

Does anyone here believe that SHE has caused damage to the relationship by basically stealing $50k from him? I sure do.

I was in a slightly similar situation with my ex. She owed cc bills so I offered to loan her $10k to pay one off. 3 years went by and neither I (nor she) mentioned it again.

I figured if we had gotten married it didn’t matter but then she dumped me. I wanted my money back. It took a couple months but luckily I was paid back my 3 year zero interest loan.

I learned a lesson and will never loan money to anyone unless I’m ok giving it to them.

No kids in my situation.

OP - You will likely have to write this off.

Yes i think she has caused damage to the relationship. Fault though falls a little to him because he has waited SO long and after a more involved life without getting it back.

I think it makes sense that he gave it to help her & her family in a civil lawsuit. If they won, they should have paid him back first. I'm assuming they did not win or not much more than $50K or there were other problems right after that lawsuit finished.

I think ultimately the question is not about who is at fault but what should be done. It makes no sense to place the blame now. The title of the thread states that he doesn't want to hurt her so i'm guessing he wants to stay in this relationship. If that's the case he should proceed AS IF they will be together and how to manage that in the best way possible. If it is as simple as a conversation in which he puts his foot down to have her get the money back from the family to repay him, then he should practice his communication skills and do that--though i think it's not that simple or it wouldn't have gone on that long and he would have the money back. What is helpful is if it involves the family effectively being indebted to him, he can more easily ask for some repayment plan from the group of them.

If she makes $70K, has two kids and lives at or above her means, then i doubt she actually "has" it. Rather than pit them against one another to get it back where he hardlines her, maybe the better solution is to have her be responsible with her money and joint money and build a savings together. Their lives are really entwined now. I think on her own and from her job, she'd be lucky if she could squeeze an extra $10K a year to repay him from her income with her expenses. Just guessing. Just like I wouldn't want to be with a partner who I had kids with who wanted his $50K back, I also not would want to be with a partner who took $50K from me and ignored that fact.

The bottom line is like most loans that get conveniently forgotten is that the person who loaned the money typically needs to address it. That's because the other person doesn't have it, is bad with money and obligations typically and would prefer it stay forgotten--that's typically that dynamic.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Versacehottie

April 30, 2019

Yeah...

Start making better decisions.

You have just paid tuition on a $50,000 lesson.

What was that old rap song? "I ain't sayin' she a..."

April 30, 2019

She could start by trading in the $40,000 vehicle she could never afford in the first place, getting a sensible vehicle instead, and paying off a huge chunk of the loan from that. She'd immediately replace all that resentment on his part with a lot of respect.

Of course, she'll never do this unless legally forced, as she's clearly entitled and financially irresponsible, and knows she's with a guy who will pick up her slack and let her bad behavior slide.

April 30, 2019

The car depreciates fast once it touches the road. Plus I suspect she’s paying by installments. Also, if she gets a crappy car, the kids are going to always ride in daddy’s car.

April 30, 2019

She could have gotten a perfectly reliable, safe car for half what she paid or less. Anyone who took their debt repayment seriously would have. Obviously, she never intended to pay him back.

April 30, 2019

Someone can’t be “made” financially responsible. It has to come from within.

Poor financial behavior is often less about ignorance and more about filling an emotional void with spending/things.

I agree setting up a joint account. Let her put in $50k then withdraw it all and say thanks

May 1, 2019

Yes i think she has caused damage to the relationship. Fault though falls a little to him because he has waited SO long and after a more involved life without getting it back.

I think it makes sense that he gave it to help her & her family in a civil lawsuit. If they won, they should have paid him back first. I'm assuming they did not win or not much more than $50K or there were other problems right after that lawsuit finished.

It was a settlement he paid for, not court costs. They didn't want it to go to court because they knew they would lose and owe more money. Whatever it was for, it's an admission of guilt on her family's part. BIG RED FLAG. They are adults, they made their mess they should have sucked it up and dealt with it on their own. The OP got suckered. It's not just her that owes the money, it's her damn family too and not one penny from them...nice.

May 1, 2019

^ Great point. Her family surrendered to the fact they inflicted $50,000 in damages against someone, AND they've swindled this generous guy out of 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS.

May 1, 2019

^ Great point. Her family surrendered to the fact they inflicted $50,000 in damages against someone, AND they've swindled this generous guy out of 50 THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Ya and I have a feeling it was their suggestion, or they pressured her to get the money from him. I can hear the conversation now..."Hey your BF is rolling in it....." "If you care about us, you will help us get the money.."

May 1, 2019

It was a settlement he paid for, not court costs. They didn't want it to go to court because they knew they would lose and owe more money. Whatever it was for, it's an admission of guilt on her family's part. BIG RED FLAG. They are adults, they made their mess they should have sucked it up and dealt with it on their own. The OP got suckered. It's not just her that owes the money, it's her damn family too and not one penny from them...nice.

oh sh*t, my reading comprehension is not on point today. I think it's easier to deal with if this is the situation. It's more direct. He needs to put pressure on her to get the money back from "them" which of course includes her. Maybe start by gently reminding her that it is an obligation she took on for the family with him and not paying it back is disrespectful and as his partner she needs to look out for this stuff with him as a team and do her part, ie gather the money from family members and contribute some of hers. I think he has a reason to not want to go forward with her as a partner if she doesn't handle this right. While I think it's not smart that he had kids with someone who had this major thing over his head unresolved, i don't think he should turn a blind eye to it, especially because the family was involved. I think it's more disrespectful that he was expected to bail them out of this problem, she put him on the hook for it and not a word has been said about repayment. It's a very specific loan not necessarily her lifestyle expenses (which he should address too because it obviously bothers him). It kind of feels like the whole family used him--either literally or figuratively if they've let it go on without repaying a cent. That's not cool & he should stand up for himself within the family dynamic. No reason not to do it gently at first.

Money problems/differences are the root of a large majority of what couples fight about. This is really no different in general. So there is the specific thing about that loan and then the overall thing that the way they spend money isn't in sync and makes him (and likely her too) feel resentful. In order to go forward as a couple, they need to deal with it. It won't go away with just the $50K being repaid.

Good luck OP and sorry you are having to deal with this

May 1, 2019

Does anyone here believe that SHE has caused damage to the relationship by basically stealing $50k from him? I sure do.

I was in a slightly similar situation with my ex. She owed cc bills so I offered to loan her $10k to pay one off. 3 years went by and neither I (nor she) mentioned it again.

I figured if we had gotten married it didn’t matter but then she dumped me. I wanted my money back. It took a couple months but luckily I was paid back my 3 year zero interest loan.

I learned a lesson and will never loan money to anyone unless I’m ok giving it to them.

No kids in my situation.

OP - You will likely have to write this off.

I don’t think anyone would think your ex-gf should just forget the loan (and congrats on getting the money back, albeit with zero interest). Your situation is different though, even you yourself said “I figured if we had gotten married it didn’t matter.” You got into a relationship with a hot girl with a shopping problem and accumulated 10k of cc debt?

OP: Is the family from another country by any chance?

May 1, 2019

The loan was for her and her family to settle a civil lawsuit out of court.

Therein lies your 2nd mistake. You should have gotten a note signed by AND her family, whoever benefited from the money.

Then you should have enforced that note immediately. Gorilla Theater has a very valid point. You only have a certain time frame in which to sue under a contract. Apparently it may be 2 years where you are; it's 4 years in TX & 6 years around here. However if you waited too long, that debt is now no longer legally enforceable. If that is the case it's your fault not hers that you haven't been repaid. You slept on your legal rights & these are the consequences.

May 2, 2019

You earn much more then her but you two split things equally, might not seem fair to her and could be the reason she isn't paying you back.

Splitting expenses equally was her idea when we moved in together and she never complained about it.

May 2, 2019

OP: Is the family from another country by any chance?

I was originally from another country. My girlfriend is Canadian, born and raised in Canada.

May 2, 2019

Uhh it honestly sounds to me you don't love her. If you guys were teenagers/just dating (no children involved and not living together), I would've suggested you to just open up to her and say she should pay you back. But she's the mother of your children and you guys live together. Sounds like you guys are married just without the official title. So it's odd for you to say you want the money back.

Question: do you need the money because of something? Or you just want it back because it's "yours". If you don't feel like this is the woman you'll be spending your life with, sharing responsibilities and common goals with, then just go up to her and say you need the money back for something urgent. But this woman is taking care of your children. It's just so wrong in so many levels for you to just ask for money back tbh lol. Should've never given it to her or should've asked for it back many years ago instead of having children with her and starting a "family" with her.

I do love her. That's why I hesitate to demand repayment from her, which is my legal right. Actually I also have the right to charge her very high punitive interest after the 3-year repayment period according to our loan agreement but I will never do that. I will never take her to court.

May 2, 2019

I do love her. That's why I hesitate to demand repayment from her, which is my legal right. Actually I also have the right to charge her very high punitive interest after the 3-year repayment period according to our loan agreement but I will never do that. I will never take her to court.

Are you sure about your legal right? Have you checked if your contract is enforceable?

May 2, 2019

Splitting expenses equally was her idea when we moved in together and she never complained about it.

Perhaps you didn’t have as big an income differential back then? Maybe you can consider your implicit gains/savings in this arrangement her repayments??

May 2, 2019

Splitting expenses equally was her idea when we moved in together and she never complained about it.

This isn't the whole picture but it would indicate that she INTENDS to do the right thing. Though how things turn out it would indicate that you two have different values about money. Yours is more rigid (not in a bad way) and holds onto things, literally and figuratively--probably part of the reason you had $50K to lend her! And hers is more fluid and less planning or holding tight, part of the reason she probably lives in the moment and overspends in relation to her income/debt obligations.

I think you need to get on a page that as a couple you can agree works for you as a team. In that discussion, you can talk about addressing the repayment in a way that works for you both, her family and your new family with the kids. It is the new reality so you can't ignore it in order to say who is wrong or right because that's like going many years back. A lot of couples have problems because one or both are afraid to speak up and resentment or guilt builds. Maybe she hasn't talked to you about the loan because she literally has no way to pay you back or it's such a small drop in the bucket that she sees it as virtually not paying it back. She also has poor boundaries with money (according to your account of how she spends money) so she probably is the worst person out of the two of you to figure out how this money will be repaid or what her options are for doing that.

You need to talk to her. If you do it respectfully, it should NOT hurt her. After all, you are throwing yourself under the bus by ignoring it and letting it go on. I think if she gets really angry about it then you have to sort it out as what's the point of going forward with someone that treats you like that--no one wants to be golddigged (new word, lol). You don't want to get bitter about this and it's not going to go away on it's own. Good luck.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Versacehottie

May 2, 2019

The issue is this:

1) You two don't have common financial goals

2) You disagree with how she spends her money.

Since you have kids together, I think the best way for you to get the money back is to include savings/debt repayment into a the shared family expense budget. So that would come out of the 50% that she contributes. Would that solution work for you?

You do make significantly more money. When I lived with a partner, we contributed to household expenses based on the percentage of our incomes. Implementing this formula would help her with savings.

May 2, 2019

The situation changed when you had children together.

Prior to that? She owed you $50K.

You now have 2 kids. Your obligation is to them and their well being and upbringing. If there is an extra $50K lying around, great. But their needs come first.

Talk to your girlfriend's family. Adjust wills, etc. so that when they pass away, you are repaid your $50K first. Other than that, let it go.

May 2, 2019

You can certainly sit down with your girlfriend to discuss the debt and while you're doing that make sure you discuss changing your unequal financial input your household finances.

After all as you now earn 2/3 of household income you should pay 2/3 of it's expenses. How long has this inequality been going on because personally it could be argued as you taking advantage of her!

I'm not saying she (or her family) was right to not to pay you back but you are extremely dismissive of her.

May 2, 2019

You can certainly sit down with your girlfriend to discuss the debt and while you're doing that make sure you discuss changing your unequal financial input your household finances.

After all as you now earn 2/3 of household income you should pay 2/3 of it's expenses. How long has this inequality been going on because personally it could be argued as you taking advantage of her!

I'm not saying she (or her family) was right to not to pay you back but you are extremely dismissive of her.

That’s my previous point about his implicit gains/savings. Compute the extra amount she could have saved and the extra amount he would have spent if they had contributed according to their income levels in the past. Then add up these two amounts and see if the sum is larger or smaller than 50k. Let’s forget about inflation and interest for simplicity.

May 2, 2019

Yeah, I'm still not understanding the balance of income here when there are two kids involved.

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How should I make my girlfriend repay the money she owes me without hurting her?

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