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How should I make my girlfriend repay the money she owes me without hurting her?

Alexander Leonard

By Alexander Leonard
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fishlips Established Member

fishlips

Posted
Posted

I suppose you could sue your GF and get your money back, but at what cost? It will probably cost you your relationship, and worse yet, it might affect your relationship with your kids. If you were just dating, I would say it would be an option to sue her, but you are a family unit and IMO it's not worth it.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted

Seriously, I think the real issue is you should sit down with your gf to discuss being smart with money. You might have to adjust down your lifestyle a bit so that she can catch up with you. It’s odd that one person of a married couple is driving, say, a brand new mercedes while the other is driving a lemon. Back to my friends example, sometimes they couldn’t go on vacations together because the one making less couldn’t afford and the one making more wasn’t willing to compromise.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

So the moral of the story is...don't lend money...ever. They can go to a damn bank and get it. If the bank won't lend them the money, it's for good reason....too much risk.

 

Money is the root of destroying relationships and marriages. Keep yer s%^$ separate and get a prenup if you are so worried about it.

just by looking at the OP's situation...he's reluctant to marry this woman whom has already gave birth to two of his children, and he's looking for his money back. He's not that committed as he should be...I feel sorry for her, that he keeps his money closer than he does with her.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 4
SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted

Amazing the OP is being made out to be a jerk, yet no mention of her taking fifty thousand dollars from him, agreeing to pay it back, then not.

 

So he’s the bad guy here? I wonder how people would respond if she loaned the money and he defaulted?

  • Like 1
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
Amazing the OP is being made out to be a jerk, yet no mention of her taking fifty thousand dollars from him, agreeing to pay it back, then not.

 

So he’s the bad guy here? I wonder how people would respond if she loaned the money and he defaulted?

 

Nobody has said he is a bad guy and she did borrow the money without repaying it but they have children together and live together.. the resolution has to consider their future and their current relationship instead of scorched earth policy and ruining everything they have together.

 

He is generous to a fault but how he proceeds at this point can also change everything

  • Like 4
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
he's reluctant to marry this woman whom has already gave birth to two of his children, and he's looking for his money back. He's not that committed as he should be...I feel sorry for her, that he keeps his money closer than he does with her.

 

That was one of the takeaways I took from his post, which is why maybe if he forgives the loan they might find their way to get married... right now I feel like the money is a wedge and it shouldn't be

  • Like 1
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
Amazing the OP is being made out to be a jerk, yet no mention of her taking fifty thousand dollars from him, agreeing to pay it back, then not.

 

So he’s the bad guy here? I wonder how people would respond if she loaned the money and he defaulted?

I agree 100%. She signed a contract and never renegotiated the terms, so she's defaulted on a huge loan. Were this a normal loan, she'd have destroyed her credit.

 

It's a common maneuver for women to "borrow" money or have a man pay off her debts, then "forget" once the kids come along. It's a great way to create resentment and damage trust and loyalty. I know a guy in a similar situation - paid off $30,000 in debt for her, with the agreement she'd pay him back, but once the first kid was born she refused to ever work again and he never saw a penny of it. By now they have huge resentment, zero affection, and he's having an affair pretty much guilt-free.

 

It may be the case that he'll never see that money again, given the kids and income disparity. It's likely that if they were to split, he'd be on the hook for a lot of child support.

 

She obviously has zero intention of ever paying him back. This is why I suggested he skip the conversation with her and go straight to the lawyer to see what he's legally owed, if anything. Then he can make sound decisions about what to do next.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted (edited)
Amazing the OP is being made out to be a jerk, yet no mention of her taking fifty thousand dollars from him, agreeing to pay it back, then not.

 

So he’s the bad guy here? I wonder how people would respond if she loaned the money and he defaulted?

 

He's not a jerk, but is just stupid and impractical. As another posted pointed out, once he decided to get entangled with her life (by having multiple kids together, no less), it's likely he's going to owe her much more money in the long run whether they're together or go their separate ways. He should have found someone in a (much) better financial shape to begin with. The note became meaningless once their lives were entangled in such a degree.

Edited by JuneL
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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
I agree 100%. She signed a contract and never renegotiated the terms, so she's defaulted on a huge loan. Were this a normal loan, she'd have destroyed her credit.

 

It's a common maneuver for women to "borrow" money or have a man pay off her debts, then "forget" once the kids come along. It's a great way to create resentment and damage trust and loyalty. I know a guy in a similar situation - paid off $30,000 in debt for her, with the agreement she'd pay him back, but once the first kid was born she refused to ever work again and he never saw a penny of it. By now they have huge resentment, zero affection, and he's having an affair pretty much guilt-free.

 

It may be the case that he'll never see that money again, given the kids and income disparity. It's likely that if they were to split, he'd be on the hook for a lot of child support.

 

She obviously has zero intention of ever paying him back. This is why I suggested he skip the conversation with her and go straight to the lawyer to see what he's legally owed, if anything. Then he can make sound decisions about what to do next.

No he wouldn't be on the hook for child support. In Canada most go with shared custody, so no child support is needed. But she can get him for alimony. There is a loop hole, that since she makes less, he will have to make up for the difference even tho she works. BUT since she owes him money, only half would be owed to him because dept is shared. So that 25 grand would be deducted from the alimony. It would work out to him owing her a 1/3 of his net worth.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

Right, he mentioned she has no savings plan and spends all her own money extravagantly. Obviously, her savings plan = rely on his money to bail her out.

 

He definitely made a big mistake not thinking this through before having kids with her. The longer they're together, the more of his money becomes theirs/hers.

  • Author
Alexander Leonard Member

Alexander Leonard

Posted
  • Author
Posted
-Why would you lend her such a big amount of money to begin with? Why did you even have babies together before the money situation was cleared?

 

-I agree with a previous poster that it’s quite odd to split everything down to the middle, considering you share two kids together and are virtually a married couple (especially you’re making at least 50% more than her salary)? I know a married couple (without kids) like that, and they’re divorcing after 2.5 years of marriage.

 

-Are you not a common law couple? I wonder if your note is enforceable.

The loan was for her and her family to settle a civil lawsuit out of court. She did need it urgently so I offered help.

We had about the same level of income when we started dating. My income is higher than hers now because of faster pay rise and promotion to a more senior position.

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
The loan was for her and her family to settle a civil lawsuit out of court. She did need it urgently so I offered help.

We had about the same level of income when we started dating. My income is higher than hers now because of faster pay rise and promotion to a more senior position.

All the more reason to have stayed out of it. I smell a bamboozlement here.

RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

Posted
Posted

What a strange situation.

 

When I read “girlfriend” and loaned money....

 

Mother to your two young children is not what I expected to come next!

 

Very odd to me that you would choose to lend (not give - granted that is a large amount), and do not appear to want to marry her.... yet you are having children with her which is a MUCH BIGGER commitment than some money or marriage.

 

Don’t you think “mother of my children” is a more appropriate title for her at this point than girlfriend? I mean in my opinion wife would be a better status.

 

I mean you put this in the “dating” section.... when you start bringing humans into the world together, it’s a bit more serious than “dating”.

 

So this woman that you live with, that you have children with owes you money that you want back.... my advice? If the money was a priority to you, shouldn’t have moved in together and started having babies with her. Things are more than a little complicated now.

 

Personally what is mine is his, what is his is mine in my relationship. These days I earn over twice what he does, but it’s “our money”. I don’t have more than he does.

 

I wonder how this will pan out “sorry Jimmy, I can’t buy you that ice cream, I am saving up to pay back dad the money I owe him. Ask him to buy it for you”

 

Another thought- instead of asking her to pay you back, why don’t you both (her included) start putting together a college fund for your children

  • Like 4
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

If you have a contract, you should be able to take her to court for it one way or another. I guess you'd need an attorney, which is a shame, but some is better than none. Thing is, does she have any money? Will you be willing to let them garnish her wages to pay you back?

  • Like 1
JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted (edited)
If you have a contract, you should be able to take her to court for it one way or another. I guess you'd need an attorney, which is a shame, but some is better than none. Thing is, does she have any money? Will you be willing to let them garnish her wages to pay you back?

 

He’ll have to garnish her alimony instead, when they go their separate ways!

Edited by JuneL
  • Like 2
Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted

So the money was also for her family members in the civil suit, not just for her ?

If so then are they supposed to be paying her in order to pay you ?

 

BTW..No need to give out too many details so you keep your anonymity

  • Like 2
The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

Posted
Posted

It's really a no win situation at this point, as there's actually little, if anything you can do without pissing her off in the long run. If you still want the money back, consult with a lawyer and see what your options are.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
Posted
So the money was also for her family members in the civil suit, not just for her ?

If so then are they supposed to be paying her in order to pay you ?

 

BTW..No need to give out too many details so you keep your anonymity

 

Good point. I think you both should go after those family members!

Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

Posted
Posted

Since she has not denied she owes this money, how about you just get that money for your children. Set up a fund for the kids' future that only they can access when of age. They are your common interest. Have her deposit into the fund on a regular basis. You can also put money into it if that encourages her. Tell her you're making the money a father's gift to the children. Then make peace with that. If she won't pay, it's on her.

  • Like 1
Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

I think you're screwed. She isnt going to pay you back, and unless you do something pretty quickly, I have to wonder if there isnt a statute of limitations on that contract. Its been 3 years since it was due, and Im assuming you havent done a thing to force collection. If you take it to court, its going to look pretty bad on your part, suing your girlfriend who, since then, had several kids by you.

 

Might as well just write that one off.

chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted
So the moral of the story is...don't lend money...ever. They can go to a damn bank and get it. If the bank won't lend them the money, it's for good reason....too much risk.

 

Money is the root of destroying relationships and marriages. Keep yer s%^$ separate and get a prenup if you are so worried about it.

just by looking at the OP's situation...he's reluctant to marry this woman whom has already gave birth to two of his children, and he's looking for his money back. He's not that committed as he should be...I feel sorry for her, that he keeps his money closer than he does with her.

 

 

Yeah , l feel a bit sorry for her too really , l mean she carried he's children and is raising them, she should be his wife and wth , worried about a few bucks and on his salary.

You planning on doing a runner or something op, can't really see what it matters at this stage otherwise,

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted

Does anyone here believe that SHE has caused damage to the relationship by basically stealing $50k from him? I sure do.

 

I was in a slightly similar situation with my ex. She owed cc bills so I offered to loan her $10k to pay one off. 3 years went by and neither I (nor she) mentioned it again.

 

I figured if we had gotten married it didn’t matter but then she dumped me. I wanted my money back. It took a couple months but luckily I was paid back my 3 year zero interest loan.

 

I learned a lesson and will never loan money to anyone unless I’m ok giving it to them.

 

No kids in my situation.

 

OP - You will likely have to write this off.

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

Posted
Posted
Yeah , l feel a bit sorry for her too really , l mean she carried he's children and is raising them, she should be his wife and wth , worried about a few bucks and on his salary.

You planning on doing a runner or something op, can't really see what it matters at this stage otherwise,

 

Sorry for someone whe defrauded him? Wow.

 

Maybe he would have married her if she paid him back and was more responsible.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
Does anyone here believe that SHE has caused damage to the relationship by basically stealing $50k from him? I sure do.

 

I can understand why he's upset, to a point. But the thing about lending money to people you know, even with a signed agreement, you have to be prepared to lose the money as a gift.

 

He may be able to get the money back if he presses the issue in a court of law. But it WILL cost him the mother of his children.

 

Since they share kids his focus on the money reads a bit cold & mercenary to me.

  • Like 2
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
Does anyone here believe that SHE has caused damage to the relationship by basically stealing $50k from him? I sure do.

Big time! This wasn't for lifesaving medical care - it was for a lawsuit against her family. Why the hell should her boyfriend pay her family's legal bills? He was extremely generous to loan them the money, and from where I'm standing they all look like deadbeats and freeloaders for NEVER PAYING HIM BACK.

 

She subsequently spent an exorbitant amount on a new luxury car, while her boyfriend paid all the pregnancy and delivery expenses.

 

Now he'll probably harbor resentment about this as long as he's with her, which is perfectly understandable.

 

A lot of women pull this kind of bait & switch all the time. Hopefully at least someone reading this learns something and avoids a similar situation.

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