How should I make my girlfriend repay the money she owes me without hurting her?

April 30, 2019

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 years now and we live together in Ontario, Canada. She borrowed $50,000 from me six years ago. It was personal loan rather than gift. I seriously expected her to repay and she seriously promised to repay. We even signed a loan agreement in which she promised to repay the full amount in three years.

Shortly after that she was pregnant with our first child and she gave birth to our daughter a year later. And then we had a son two years after my daughter's birth, just before the 3-year repayment period ended. Although I wanted my money back, I thought it was bad timing to talk about it when she just gave birth to our son. I decided to wait for at least two more years. By the way, she worked as usual during her pregnancy so her income was not affected. I also paid for all the additional expenses resulting from her pregnancy.

We now live together with our 5-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son and we split all our expenses equally, including expenses on our kids. We also share parenting responsibilities equally. My girlfriend's annual income is about $70,000, which is slightly higher than the average in Ontario. She could have saved some money if she managed her finance prudently. However, it seems that she didn't have a saving plan at all. She spends all the money she earns, sometimes on expensive things. For example, she bought a new car for $40,000, which would cost her almost $10K each year in a 5-year period. I think a $20,000 car is good enough and she could have saved the other $20,000 to repay her debt to me.

About a year ago, I finally decided to explicitly remind her of the money she owes me. She said that she did not have much saving in her bank account at that time but she would repay me "eventually". When I pointed our that she should not have spent $40,000 on a car, she argued that my car also cost me that much. However, I could afford it because my income is higher than hers and I do not have debt to repay. Even though she still acknowledges her debt, I do not see her making any effort to save money in the next a few months. She seemed to have totally "forgotten" about it again.

My annual income is only slightly higher than $100,000, so $50,000 is a big amount for me. How can I get my money back? I know that she does not have money to repay me now. Should I ask her to start repaying me in instalment every month? Or pay for my expenses which will be deducted from her loan balance? I am worried that doing so may have a negative impact on our relationship. Is there a way to get my money back without hurting her feelings?

April 30, 2019

You need to ask a Canadian lawyer these Qs.

Frankly I doubt you can get the money back without hurting her feelings. If you push this, you may end up also losing the relationship.

Which do you value more, the money or your relationship with the mother of your children? You are sure to lose one in this scenario.

April 30, 2019

How about suggesting she handle the repayment gradually in other ways. Is it possible for her to handle a larger portion of the shared expenses for a time until the debt is repaid?

April 30, 2019

I was somewhat expecting that you way say you were dating or a young couple living together - not what I would assume to be common-law and raising two children together.

While some couples chose to keep their money separate, I’m not sure how reasonable that expectation is given that you are a family, living together and raising your children. There is “yours,” “mine,” and “ours,” and it seems that she thinks of this money as “ours.” Legally, it may in fact be. Perhaps you need a legal opinion...

She clearly has no intention of paying you back - after all, she has had six years to pay you in instalments if she was concerned about the money. You could pursue it further, but it’s likely to be met with disapproval. It’s a tough call, I understand why you would want it back but whether you force the issue likely depends on how much you value harmony in your family...

April 30, 2019

Forget about your money, when it comes to equality and dealing with

such issues on equal terms and agreements, women cannot keep up

and will never be able to do so.

Have you ever heard of the saying:

"Honey, my money is mine but yours is ours!"

This applies to every couple and I am sorry to say it but you are not getting your money back, without enraging her!

This is a good read:

https://www.moneycrashers.com/why-you-should-not-lend-money-to-friends-and-family/

April 30, 2019

You earn much more then her but you two split things equally, might not seem fair to her and could be the reason she isn't paying you back.

April 30, 2019

Aren't you a full couple you have children and been together years , are you getting married ?

Seems a bit petty considering you have a family together and she has had your children, not to mention your income, and she's worked right through it. Most couples would be together financially anyway once there are children and together so long.

April 30, 2019

Do you plan on marrying her?....you could do a pre nup stating that if you were to split that her share be down 50 thousand dollars for the debt she owes you if you should divorce or go your separate ways........

i dont know .... if you can ask her for the money without issues....for i dont know her....and how she feels.....this seems strange to me because of the kids honestly you have together and the fact you have been together for eight years....i dont even know if i can be neutral about this

ill be honest i think money breaks up a lot of relationships because some people care more for money than they do anything else....like other people for instance....

....maybe you should decide what you care about more what means the most to you....the money...or your relationship....and come to some sort of compromise that may not be fair to you or her but protects your relationship from ending.....instead of what is past for starters, her car for instance....talk about with her what you can possibly agree to happening in the future as far as the debt goes without judging her past financial decisions.........i wish you well..deb.....

Edited April 30, 2019 by todreaminblue

April 30, 2019

-Why would you lend her such a big amount of money to begin with? Why did you even have babies together before the money situation was cleared?

-I agree with a previous poster that it’s quite odd to split everything down to the middle, considering you share two kids together and are virtually a married couple (especially you’re making at least 50% more than her salary)? I know a married couple (without kids) like that, and they’re divorcing after 2.5 years of marriage.

-Are you not a common law couple? I wonder if your note is enforceable.

Edited April 30, 2019 by JuneL

April 30, 2019

You earn much more then her but you two split things equally, might not seem fair to her and could be the reason she isn't paying you back.

Credit card companies make more than their customers. Doesn’t mean they should not get their money from them.

This was a business agreement and should be treated as such.

No one is saying how much money the OP lost by giving it to her with zero interest.

OP - your gf is terrible with money and always will be. You won’t see a dime of it.

April 30, 2019

Credit card companies make more than their customers. Doesn’t mean they should not get their money from them.

This was a business agreement and should be treated as such.

No one is saying how much money the OP lost by giving it to her with zero interest.

OP - your gf is terrible with money and always will be. You won’t see a dime of it.

I don't disagree that she's terrible with money, and I'm wondering what she used that loan for.

That said, credit card companies don't exactly produce babies with you. I think the OP should have sorted out the loan situation (either forget the loan or make sure she's repaying it) before getting his life entangled with hers.

I still don't understand how this is going to work in the long run, when you're a couple with kids together and with clearly unequal incomes and you're splitting things down to the middle like this. The couple I mentioned, I had dinner with them (just the 3 of us) a few times, and each was paying for his/her own meal every single time

April 30, 2019

Yeah, there's no way to get your money back without thoroughly pissing her off. She will probably hit you back with a bill that looks like this:

1st child - carrying, delivering and nursing = $25,000

2nd child- carrying, delivering and nursing = $25,000

________

Amount you owe $50,000

April 30, 2019

Sorry to break the news but, you are common-law and half that dept is yours now. You both share dept and income. You may as well write it off. She can make up for it as the primary cook/house keeper for her troubles.

April 30, 2019

Sorry to break the news but, you are common-law and half that dept is yours now. You both share dept and income. You may as well write it off. She can make up for it as the primary cook/house keeper for her troubles.

Like the previous poster pointed out, she already made up for that by carrying, delivering and nursing their two babies! Dude, I think you should look up how much a surrogate mother costs ;-)

Edited April 30, 2019 by JuneL

April 30, 2019

I don't disagree that she's terrible with money, and I'm wondering what she used that loan for.

That said, credit card companies don't exactly produce babies with you. I think the OP should have sorted out the loan situation (either forget the loan or make sure she's repaying it) before getting his life entangled with hers.

I still don't understand how this is going to work in the long run, when you're a couple with kids together and with clearly unequal incomes and you're splitting things down to the middle like this. The couple I mentioned, I had dinner with them (just the 3 of us) a few times, and each was paying for his/her own meal every single time

It might be odd, but this is how me and my husband have done it and we've been together for 29 years. We never fight about money because we have our own to spend how we see fit. He makes more than I do, but it doesn't bother me because when it come to retirement, his money will be supporting me anyways. And this will be the situation with this couple. He will end up using his extra income supporting his family and her whether they are together or if they separated. Canadian law is, as soon as you live together, you are considered married and fall under the same rules as married couples when it comes to separation and benefits. Splitting of the assets, dept, and alimony. Since he makes more money, he will have to pay her alimony to keep her in the lifestyle she's used to. He's f'd no matter what he does. Can't get blood from a stone, so he may as well kiss that 50 grand good-bye. He can keep the note and see how well it plays when they breakup. But sometimes it has a statue of limitations...might want to look into that.

Edited April 30, 2019 by smackie9

April 30, 2019

so she has to have a crappier car than you ... This is not what a good husband comes up with, you have kids together too, you are all one unit.

If you were just dating, a few months in, ok, separate finances, but you are all family to each other.

April 30, 2019

Uhh it honestly sounds to me you don't love her. If you guys were teenagers/just dating (no children involved and not living together), I would've suggested you to just open up to her and say she should pay you back. But she's the mother of your children and you guys live together. Sounds like you guys are married just without the official title. So it's odd for you to say you want the money back.

Question: do you need the money because of something? Or you just want it back because it's "yours". If you don't feel like this is the woman you'll be spending your life with, sharing responsibilities and common goals with, then just go up to her and say you need the money back for something urgent. But this woman is taking care of your children. It's just so wrong in so many levels for you to just ask for money back tbh lol. Should've never given it to her or should've asked for it back many years ago instead of having children with her and starting a "family" with her.

April 30, 2019

No. There is no way to do this without doing harm to your relationship with her and your family. That is what loaning large sums of money to family/friends or girlfriends is like. You should never do it. Help them fill out a loan application at the bank, but don't lend it personally because without a lawyer from the start (awkward) it will get messy.

She is not going to just start happily handing you $1500 a month all of a sudden for a 6 year old debt. It would definitely hurt your relationship if you were to take her to court, she is the mother of your children. Even if you did take the matter to court they would not likely uphold any "agreement" you could provide that she said she would pay you back...if she hasn't made any installments yet then why would she start now? Did her finances change drastically all of a sudden from what they were last year? Why do you need the money back more now then you did 3 years ago?

That would be the courts first clue that this is not a true contractual arrangement. Timing matters. If she did not uphold her agreement from the beginning by not making any payments why would she years later, after having your kids, and sharing expenses in the household?

What if she buys a dishwasher for the house, or clothes for the kids? Can she start putting that towards the "tab" that she owes you since you share expenses? Getting cash back won't work, and the court wouldn't order it.

You two are now living together, have kids together, and years have come and gone since this "agreement". That cash is not coming back to you, you should drop it unless you want to push her out of your life. Money comes and goes, and relationships can be gone forever.

April 30, 2019

so she has to have a crappier car than you ... This is not what a good husband comes up with, you have kids together too, you are all one unit.

If you were just dating, a few months in, ok, separate finances, but you are all family to each other.

Also, OP: Do you think her kids should have crappier stuff than your kids because she’s making less and has debt?

April 30, 2019

When i started reading your post, I thought she was trying to skate out on money she owes you (technically she does, I guess) and even dating 8 years I would say she probably still owes you. But now that you have two kids together AND 8 years, you are common-law spouses IMO (may or may not be legally in canada--and it may not still mean a past debt is forgiven just because you are NOW common law together).

I would just say YES of course it will hurt her to ask for the money back. At what point are you going to stop keep score on that stuff? I think that's why other posters are saying how much it costs to be a surrogate, etc. She gave her body over to having kids for both of you lol!!!! I think if i hear what is going on between the lines you feel that she spends money in a frivolous way which is one reason you don't like that she has repaid you. What if you let the past go but came up with a budget and financial plan that is a compromise of how both of you want to live going forward as a couple, which for all intents and purposes you are. I would have a problem personally with a guy who I had kids with where our money was so separate--though again technically & maybe ethically she does owe you the money. I just think you all are past that point now!

Asking for it back, kinda of seems like she isn't in your plans for the future, which is why if she IS for the foreseeable future, you should come up with a plan that works for both of you together. One of my favorite bloggers was just saying the other day that she used to have a shopping problem and her husband said in all seriousness he couldn't marry her until she got it under control and then they worked on it together & got married. They are very cute & definitely in love & i admire the way they solve problems through compromise which is evident all the time on her IG & blogs. If you are in it for the long haul, I think you should do something like this. Good luck.

ps maybe rather than get the actual money back, part of the repayment is that from the combined money you could treat yourself a bit with some toy you want. I don't have the perfect answer but that would work for me better than giving you $50K back when we live under the same roof and are raising kids together.

April 30, 2019

It would matter depending on what the loan money was used to pay off.. if she paid off debt that enhanced your lifestyle then it was used for the relationship.

While 50k seems like a lot it also seems you have built a nice life with this person, children and all so it seems it should just be forgiven and tear up the agreement.. and maybe then you will marry her once the loan is forgiven.

In a previous life I loaned 120k to my then wife in order for her to run her company, but those were loans from me to a corporation and the checks were written from me to who they were for rather than to her, so when we divorced most of the discussion revolved around her repayment since they were loans to a company, she paid me 50+k in lump sum alimony thru a loan she got and I forgave the other 65k or so...

My attorney made it lump sum alimony so if she filed bankruptcy (which she did later after we divorced) that I didn't have to return it to the judge.

The cool thing is that since it was a loan to a company that went unpaid I was able to deduct the loss on my income taxes for about 7-8 years till it was all used up.. so in the end I got it all back.

So what it was for may change things as well...

Honestly I would just sit her down and forgive the loans, 100-1 your relationship will benefit too....

Edited April 30, 2019 by Art_Critic

April 30, 2019

You're not getting your money back.

If you can't afford to lose it, you shouldn't lend it.

Your only recourse now will be the courts. Can you tolerate the look in your childrens eyes when you bring this lawsuit against their mother? Can you afford their storm when you're old and need them? Things to think about...

April 30, 2019

She obviously has no intention of paying you back, expects you to consider it not a loan but a gift.

The loan agreement may hold water, but maybe not with kids now involved. I'd talk to a lawyer and see where you stand, then approach her with the facts and a reasonable payment plan.

April 30, 2019

When i started reading your post, I thought she was trying to skate out on money she owes you (technically she does, I guess) and even dating 8 years I would say she probably still owes you. But now that you have two kids together AND 8 years, you are common-law spouses IMO (may or may not be legally in canada--and it may not still mean a past debt is forgiven just because you are NOW common law together).

I'm having a hard figuring out what the limitations period is for a contract action in Canada, although as near as I can tell it's two years (as opposed to four around here). Therefore I think the contract is unenforceable at this point.

You could argue that she still has a moral duty to repay the loan, and you might be right, but my advice is to forget about it. Never loan money to friends and family in the first place. If you can afford it, just give them the money without expectation of repayment, because "loans" are a great way to ruin relationships.

April 30, 2019

I totally agree Gorilla T. He should have tried to get his money repaid years ago close to when he made the loan and BEFORE they started having kids together and behaving as a family. It seems ridiculous to ask for it at this point in their lives together just from a common sense point of view. Whatever he is allowed to do by law, it's silly to try to enforce anything as it will destroy the relationship.

This is not to disregard his feelings about it since things shouldn't be all her way or he will be resentful about it. He should decide to do what is best for the family which might be to forgive the loan and come up with a financial strategy that is good for everyone and that he can live with "going forward"--that's the operative part. He has to decide how to handle things as they are NOW and as he would like them to be in the FUTURE, rather than harping on the PAST....which no matter what the issue was in the past if you hold onto it without coming up with viable solutions for the the now/future, you might be sacrificing your relationship.

The irony is if they were to split up, she will get a $50K in child support from him anyway undoubtedly over time (more $$$ realistically since he makes more) out of the portion of her contribution financially to child support. So he should choose his battles. If all else is fine with her as a partner, address this part constructively, not destructively. good luck

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