State of limbo - is love just not enough?

[fj1978]

Hello everyone, i am not sure how to start this so here i go. Sorry it is so long.

 

Currently in a +4 yr relationship that has hit some bumps lately. During the beginning of it things were new, exciting, and fun and she was always into me more then i was into her, or she wanted to take things quicker then i did. We kinda got into cruise control mode for awhile and things were coasting.

 

She talked about wanting taking a break last year and that was a wake up call for me. I didn't realize how bad things were until i looked back after she mentioned this. Dug around and discovered an EA, confronted her and talked it through. I put every ounce of energy i had into her and our relationship (and she did the same) and things have been getting better and better since.

 

A week ago my family was trying to nail down a day to get together for a b-day party for my dad. She made a comment about 'do i have to go?', "yes" i said. She has never been big on family things, on her side and my side. It only seems like 'when she wants to go' she does.

 

A few days later on Sunday night, after a perfectly normal day, i mention that i'm taking my dad out for dinner on Monday and i don't know when the other party is. She says she is only going to one of them and not both, i had this moment of thought of "i want you to want to go to both" or at least not complain about it. So i pushed back and things escalated quickly for me because i was hurt.

 

She mentioned she is perfectly happy with me right now but feels like something is missing and that our relationship peeked and doesn't feel we are growing. I couldn't disagree with the 'missing something' or growing comment. I am happy with her too and we get along great and enjoy each other, but unsure of the future or how long things will last. There have been some long standing thoughts in the back of my head that this wasn't going to work. Due to either self-doubt, the fear of getting hurt, other things that i can't nail down, perhaps long term goals. She wants to live on a beach, me would like the mountains (we live by neither and would have to move thousands of miles).

 

At the beginning of the year we were talking about/looking at buying a house together. First she would sell hers and live with me while we build (my house would be easier to sell). So the conversation about marriage came up and she doesn't want to, doesn't feel necessary. I was a little hurt by this, i recall years ago over some beers her cousin mentioned she would marry me. Since things were going great now I thought maybe it was in the future for us so i was a little hurt by this.

 

A month or so later i get a text about how i should sell my house first. Me not selling my house these years has been an issue (unknown to me for awhile) and made her feel that i wasn't committed to the relationship (even though i stayed with her every day). I have always treated my house like a workshop to work on cars, so the last few months i have trying to finish up a car project (and the house cleaned up) and get it on the market. She always viewed the house as a safety net. (Sunday i said i probably shouldn't sell and she said probably not)

 

Back to Sunday, after talking we went to bed. But had trouble sleeping, woke up to this feeling of needing to GTFO so i started packing up little things in the wee hours and loading up my car. She'd usually leave for work first so she didn't notice I did this. During that morning i was a basket case, thinking it's completely over, she finds me and cries with me. Sitting at work was tough, she sent me various i love u texts during the day which made me feel better and thinking things weren't over. Got home and she had a big smile and was happy to see me. i mentioned going to dinner with my dad and she asked if i'd like her to join and i said yes. Tuesday morning still not sleeping and still packed up stuff.

 

Tuesday night went out again to eat and during the conversation i recall talking about how happy we were, but there is always a 'but', and felt like there was no future again. Wednesday morning I grabbed all my stuff out of the bedroom, i am basically in auto-pilot. At noon, she goes home for lunch, she sent a 'please don't move out today' text. I still have big stuff so i couldn't. I had plans that night to hang out at friends for bit, so our conversation after work was short and basically 'we'll talk later'. Thursday morning, still not sleeping, i was hauling big stuff out of basement and she couldn't sleep either and asked me not to leave and come to bed. After work i noticed she put up this portrait of us above fireplace, something we took last fall while all dressed. I asked about it and she said "just because you would try to erase any memory of me doesn't mean i would of you"

 

Friday after work i went out drinking with some friends, only told one what is going on, and went to my place by midnight to sleep, she called and texted a few times, but i didn't respond till morning. I had intentions on friday to get my stuff instead of drinking, but just couldn't do it.

 

Saturday i let her know i was alive and said i would stop by later and when i did she was so happy to see me and we just talked for a long time. I went to my family thing and met up with her and others later that night for beers.

 

Sunday was normal day, we talked a ton more, i went out grocery shopping for a nice supper, her idea. She cooked and got dressed up, wearing the dress she wore on our first date along with these earrings i bought. It took my breath away. She doesn't want me to go, I don't want to go either, something feels wrong about moving out. She is confused by why the sudden moving-out this week but last year I stuck around when i could have left. She made a comment about even if i sold the house to show my commitment it might be too late. She's waited so long for it to happen and it didn't. I don't blame her for feeling this way.

 

I am not sure what to do and just needed to vent.

[preraph]

I can only advise that you do not sell your house unless she wants to get married first. I would advise her the same thing. If she doesn't want to marry, you shouldn't be merging financial things like building a home. You'll get halfway through it and things will fall apart and you'll be stuck.

 

Tell her, I want a future with you, but I see the next step as marriage and common sense is not to merge finances without marriage. I don't see what her issue is with that. It doesn't need to be a wedding. You can just get a license and be legal. If she can't see herself married to you, I don't know why she's trying to stop you from leaving, frankly. No chance she is still married to someone she hasn't mentioned, is there?

[fj1978]

I can only advise that you do not sell your house unless she wants to get married first. I would advise her the same thing. If she doesn't want to marry, you shouldn't be merging financial things like building a home. You'll get halfway through it and things will fall apart and you'll be stuck.

 

Tell her, I want a future with you, but I see the next step as marriage and common sense is not to merge finances without marriage. I don't see what her issue is with that. It doesn't need to be a wedding. You can just get a license and be legal. If she can't see herself married to you, I don't know why she's trying to stop you from leaving, frankly. No chance she is still married to someone she hasn't mentioned, is there?

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

 

I asked about buying a house and if not married, financially speaking. We'd write up an agreement about who is in charge of what percentage of the cost and if something were to happen she'd buy out my portion (she makes far more then i do).

 

 

 

No she is not married, we met a couple months after her divorce and she was living alone (with her daughter 50% of the time).

 

 

 

Her marriage wasn't a great one, and only did it because of pregnancy. He was abusive and she felt trapped, getting a divorce took a long time because he refused/fought it. She doesn't want to get into the same situation by getting married and feeling trapped.

 

 

It's hard for me to think long term when there is conversation of "when/if things go sideways this is the plan..."

[preraph]

Yeah. Well, that would be hard for anyone. I really get where she's coming from, but at the same time, you really need a commitment to buy houses together and such. I mean, her situation could change at work.

 

Also, there's not much difference between having to get an attorney for a divorce and having to get one to fix a house investment mess that can happen if someone loses a job or you break up. I understand the contract, but I think there would be ways to contest it if any payments got missed or one of you didn't keep paper on what you spent, etc, when there was a breakup. Maybe even that is enough to make her feel trapped.

 

If it were me and I wanted a new house and could swing it, I'd just be the only person on it and own it all myself and not let her pay rent because that would be like her owning half of it to some judges, but let her pay a bunch of bills or for a car or whatever. It's just not good business, any of that, honestly.

 

She may feel trapped just living together no matter what the circumstances. Ever thought about one of you moving in next door or just down the street a block?

[fj1978]

I wouldn't be able to afford the houses we were looking at on my own, she would be able to, then i'd be in the same position of feeling like the house chore boy and not having any stake in it.

 

I could not afford to live in her neighbor either, not that i am broke, i do well for myself but not her level of 'well'. She would never move to my neighborhood either.

 

After work we had dinner and were hanging out on the couch and she asked if i was going to stay the night and i said i was thinking i would. She was happy about that, but said she felt selfish about asking for me to stay.

 

She sees 2 parts to the relationship, first is the physical/attraction side of it. There is no problem is this area at all, she wants me around all the time and enjoys being with me and i feel the same. The other side is the feeling that we have peaked and we can't grow anymore. Her waiting for commitment for so long is/was a problem that she doesn't know if it can be fixed.

 

So her selfish feeling is that she doesn't know if there is a long term and she doesn't want me to wake up one day resenting/hating her for sticking around and wasting my time but she loves having me around.

 

Then this morning she asks if we should have her daughter bday party this weekend or later, we've been waiting for the weather to get nicer due to outside activities. My family (brothers, cousins) has always joined in the past, not sure i can put on a smiley face when i just want to skip town for a month.

[mark clemson]

Consider living together in one and renting the other for a while vs all-out selling. Make an agreement to share costs/split rental income.

 

Not sure you want to "force" yourselves to get married if something's off (and from what you write I think that's the case - not quite sure what though, other than she just may not feel comfortable with it).

[fj1978]

Renting my house would be good option vs selling. It was something brought up in the past (years ago) but i would brush the idea off because it was my 'workspace'. Silly to say that looking back on it.

[fromheart]

Your home is a place where you do your thing, and look after yourself. Same with my home, its a music studio and martial arts center. If a GF told me to sell it, I'd leave the relationship. It would be in my natural instinct.

 

I'd say that she is trying to rid you of your hobby also. Give it some time, and she'll want you to compromise the amount of focus you have on your hobby. Usually, the aim is to eradicate your hobby, then she'll moan about you being too available. Been there.

 

I'd say your natural instinct to leave is the correct one. Enjoy your cars and your home, life's too short to compromise these things.

[fj1978]

I figured i would update this. Things have been good the last 2 months, been getting along great and taken a few day trips to places nearby.

 

But this last weekend things have gone sideways, on friday it was very nice out so i suggested going to friends parents lake place, hours later she is finally ready and we go. We have a couple drinks in town with the group and back to the lake. Where i proceed to hang out on the water and she just stayed by the house in the sun (not a swimmer). Lots of beer was drank (by me) and time slips by. The group had other plans that night and we left, i got the silent treatment the whole drive back (an hour). Which is pissing me off because i don't think i did anything wrong and foresee a fight coming.

 

Once we are home I trying talking and she is fuming pissed and tells me to "get the f out" multiple times, i try to ask why "i already told you why". So i said f it and left to my house.

 

I was there for a bit and get a message about how i don't care and that me leaving proves it. I couldn't think of anything to say back and i am pissed, but a part me decided to drive back to her house to only stop within a block and turned around (was mad at how she can tell me to leave and then complain that i left) and went home and passed out.

I wake up at 5 am and drive back and crawl in bed, she initially does a "why are you here" but then wants to snuggle.

 

After getting up she is distant and doesn't say much. A bit later she goes into the bedroom and comes out all dressed up. I ask what the deal is and where is she going and with a quivering lip she tells me she has had enough of me not making her a priority and the day before i didn't come check on her while at the lake and she asked about going to supper before we left but i guess i just grab some food that was made and ate. She felt ignored and that i didn't care about her and i don't care at all.

 

Then she proceeds to tell me that after i left (when she told me to) she got really drunk and signed up on a dating site and had a coffee date lined up that morning, hence why she was dressed up.

 

I was in shock and couldn't stop her, an hour later she is home again. We talked more about feelings, and through out the day i would sense her reaching for me to hold her but she should stop herself and making a comment about "how i am so hard to resist", but by the end of the day she was back to her affectionate self.

 

Next morning her alarm on her phone was going off while she was in bathroom so i snoozed it, and quickly noticed some dating site app alerts. My heart sank, i had hoped she would have deleted it.

After work things seemed good, hugs and kisses and went out to eat and lot of i love you's.

 

This morning i gained access to the messages on that app and found a convo where a guy knew she kicked me out and she responded that she did but i keep coming back. He asked if she was single and she said yes and doesn't know if i am ok with her dating other people or delusional. She doesn't seem to know what i want out of this relationship.

 

Meanwhile she is all lovey dovey during the day with text messages.

Ugh

[fj1978]

Quick update, on Tuesday during work i messaged that she needed to get off that site because i am not okay with it. She seemed surprised that i was upset because i didn't say anything before and that i didn't leave on Sunday. She still loves me and being with me, but maybe we need a break.

 

I cut out of work early and packed up my stuff and left. Later she calls and asks where i am and when i am coming home. So i get sucked back in with all the love you's and want you's. Next few days are normal, i had plans Friday and she hung out with a mutual friend.

Next morning I checked for activity and sure enough chatting with randoms the previous night. Over coffee with a blinding hangover on the front porch i asked her what her friend thought of her being on that app still and she replied that she should stop sleeping with me. Then I basically said that this isn't working and I am leaving, i am not going to be a part of your monkey-branching (which she didn't know what that meant). She didn't understand why that morning i decided this, and not last week when she went out for coffee with some random.

I packed up a load of stuff and took off without knowing when i'd be back. Luckily a cousin was in town with a truck and we came back Sunday to grab everything else. We didn't argue, just lots of tears from the 3 of us, and hugs and saying goodbye.

The rest of the day she keeps sending me i love you messages, we are missing you (her and her daughter) and we can't stop crying. And I just got another one about how she can't stop thinking about me today.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

She treats you very badly. I hope you do not go back. You need to go NC and block her to get strength to stay away. Otherwise you are going to go back and repeat this horrible cycle. You must like the drama.

[preraph]

Well, I can see both sides some. I mean, why does she need to go to all your family stuff? I wouldn't normally go along with that. I have enough trouble going to my own family stuff. And you take her to these things and then disregard what she may want to do.

 

 

On the other hand, she can't just start dating, so sounds like time to wrap it up.

[notbroken]

Her going on that date is a deal breaker. Period. A 4 year girlfriend goes on a date??!! I'm sorry, this either already is or should be toast. Nothing you did is even remotely close to that kind of disrespect. She thinks she is out of your league. You may never 'measure up'. Run. Fast.

[fj1978]

She treats you very badly. I hope you do not go back. You need to go NC and block her to get strength to stay away. Otherwise you are going to go back and repeat this horrible cycle. You must like the drama.

No i do not like the drama and I can't take another cycle of this crap.

 

 

Well, I can see both sides some. I mean, why does she need to go to all your family stuff? I wouldn't normally go along with that. I have enough trouble going to my own family stuff. And you take her to these things and then disregard what she may want to do.

 

On the other hand, she can't just start dating, so sounds like time to wrap it up.

Having a partner that is willing to go along to things is important, if she isn't there then i get a bunch of questions on why she is missing. Then i have her texting me on when im coming home cause she is bored. And not like i spend a lot of time with family, just bday parties, occasional dinner.

 

 

Her going on that date is a deal breaker. Period. A 4 year girlfriend goes on a date??!! I'm sorry, this either already is or should be toast. Nothing you did is even remotely close to that kind of disrespect. She thinks she is out of your league. You may never 'measure up'. Run. Fast.

Indeed, i keep reminding myself she did that. No i did not deserve to be disrespected like that.

 

 

 

She wants to see my at least one more time because it was too much with her daughter saying goodbye the other day.

 

Then she messaged me that she deleted her dating profile because she isn't ready to date anyone. Not sure why she felt the need to tell me this.

I wouldn't be surprised if she does a pop-in at my house, just need to make sure im out doing stuff and not be there.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Have you read the Pinned NC threads?

They are awesome to keep up the strength on NC.

I have gone through them 3 times and I feel better with each reading.

I recommend you pimp the thread and stay away from her.

She is trying to draw you back in.