some_username1 Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 Actually, I have a lunch date tomorrow, with a girl from a dating app that I spoke with today. I think I'm a little obsessive and desperate because she's the only girl on my radar right now. I'm just going to date other girls, and at the end of the day, you can't force things... she can do as she likes, I'll do the same Exactly right! You're getting it I wouldn't drill a hole in your boat by mentioning what you are up to - just tell her you're keeping busy etc. If she starts blathering on about matey just have a wry chuckle to yourself that you have been on dates with other women in the meantime. Maybe in a couple more months it will settle down and you two will end up together.....if not, who cares?
Author skanzer Posted May 1, 2019 Author Posted May 1, 2019 Exactly right! You're getting it I wouldn't drill a hole in your boat by mentioning what you are up to - just tell her you're keeping busy etc. If she starts blathering on about matey just have a wry chuckle to yourself that you have been on dates with other women in the meantime. Maybe in a couple more months it will settle down and you two will end up together.....if not, who cares? Honestly, she's been texting me less since she's gone on this trip, in comparison to always texting me before this trip. I'm going to keep some distance.
some_username1 Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 Honestly, she's been texting me less since she's gone on this trip, in comparison to always texting me before this trip. I'm going to keep some distance. Again though, would you be texting someone regularly on a holiday? If I've just started dating someone I certainly don't - I'm going on holiday to get away from the everyday crap! So you can see it as her ignoring you, you can also see it as her just having fun and keeping busy...you need to gauge what she is like when she gets back but I certainly would not be blowing up her phone begging for dates, quite the opposite. When you do see her be bright and breezy on the surface but underneath watch her behaviour like a hawk and get a feel for her enthusiasm for you and then decide whether you want to keep her in rotation from there.
Author skanzer Posted May 1, 2019 Author Posted May 1, 2019 Again though, would you be texting someone regularly on a holiday? If I've just started dating someone I certainly don't - I'm going on holiday to get away from the everyday crap! So you can see it as her ignoring you, you can also see it as her just having fun and keeping busy...you need to gauge what she is like when she gets back but I certainly would not be blowing up her phone begging for dates, quite the opposite. When you do see her be bright and breezy on the surface but underneath watch her behaviour like a hawk and get a feel for her enthusiasm for you and then decide whether you want to keep her in rotation from there. I agree with you, and I know you mean this all in the context of sincerely just being breezy and bright, not faking it, and not letting another girl, so soon, determine your feelings. You gave me some good perspective, thank you. I'll let you know how things go, but honestly, I'm seeing this as a life lesson, on how to learn to deal with friendships/relationships with girls.
Highndry Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 (edited) I'm thinking of sending her this message (after she returns from her trip), is this a stupid move? Absolutely horrible idea. A message like this to any woman would result in a "THANK GOD!!" response. The right thing to do is to talk to her in person and just tell her that you have enjoyed her company, however you don't see her as a match for you long term. If she presses you for details, just tell her that her boundaries and respect don't align with yours. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Marc878 Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 You don't have to say anything really just go your own way. 2
fromheart Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Honestly, she's been texting me less since she's gone on this trip, in comparison to always texting me before this trip. . 2 months in should be the honeymoon period. She wouldn't dream about taking a trip with a friend and another guy she used to have a crush on, she should be wanting to take the trip with you. Your not a priority for her, and if this hasn't become so after a couple of months, it probably wont. Inevitably in these situations, the texting became less and less. This will happen 99% of the time. In my nice guy days, I tasted a fair few of these situations. The solution is simple, if I feel like Im not a priority I leave. On the spot, with absolutely no hesitation. I have no time for low priority situations, and Ive seen that road. I can see your in two worlds about this. Ok, if you want to see what happens then by all means do so. You've got to form your own conclusion, and no one can tell another adult what to do.
fromheart Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) I'm thinking of sending her this message (after she returns from her trip), is this a stupid move? If your going to end it, make it short and polite. Lots of words are for the right person, not the wrong one. Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author skanzer Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 For anyone still interested in this thread, this is the update: She came back from the trip, things were seemingly perfect upon meeting, we spent great day together when we met. We kissed, held hands, she brought me a gift, we acted like a couple. Then, the next day after our meeting, she was a little distant on text, in a VERY subtle way, but I noticed it. I eventually told her that I want to talk to her, via message, and she said she doesn't want to talk. Then we had a phone call shortly after, and she said "I think you like me much more than I like you". She also said "I think I cannot like someone that much like you do, even the max of my like...I'm not a good girlfriend, always..." I told her thank you for everything, and cut ways. But I'm unsure if I should cut my friendship with her, as she has been a very special friend for me...even though feelings have gotten mixed in the picture..
mark clemson Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 If you're breaking up with here, only stay friends if it will not interfere emotionally with you moving on to someone else. Sounds like probably not in your case?
kendahke Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I'm unsure if I should cut my friendship with her, as she has been a very special friend for me...even though feelings have gotten mixed in the picture.. For right now, cut the ties. You want to be her man, not her friend right now and she's told you that you aren't that guy. You need the luxury of space and time away from her influence so that you get to a place of friendly, platonic indifference with her as you would be with other women you're just platonic friends with. Understand that when the guy she's after shines her on, she'll be trying to call/get with you/get you to take her out and that's when you're going to have to increase the steel in your spine. If you are too weak to block her, then you have to find the courage to tell her "no thank you" (although she should go on block so that you have the space and time to get over and past her).
Author skanzer Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 Thank you all for your messages. After consideration, I'm not going to cut it off with her. She doesn't want a serious relationship, I accept that. I'm just going to stop "dating" her, wasting time on meals/walking in the park with her, texting throughout the day etc. I initially told her it's best we don't see each other again, but then I told her "Actually, let's meet" (she had signaled she still wants to meet even though she doesn't want a exclusivity). Normally we meet at a restaurant, or some public place, but this time I simply invited her to my house and she said yes, so she knows what's going down. At this point, really, there's nothing left to do but just be FWD and keep her as a f*ck buddy, or just cut it off. I prefer to keep her as a f*ck buddy. Also, now I will date other girls without second-thoughts. Yes, I have feelings for her, but having an honest conversation with her about things at least adjusted my expectations, and I'm not wondering anymore if this is seriously worth investing in or not, other than just sex.
Highndry Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Yep, turn her into an FWB while you look for a quality woman. Once you find one, tell her you found somebody you like a lot more then cut her off and ditch her for good.
The Outlaw Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I've only read through the first page of responses, but honestly, if she makes you question this relationship, and feelings aside, it may be best to just move on. Admitting that she has a crush on the guy she's currently on the trip with is totally disrespectful to you. I get how you feel, but she's just not worth it.
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Be careful. I guess the FWB arrangement all sounds good on paper, but you are emotionally invested and this is probably a very bad idea for you. You are doing this so that you get to keep her in your life, but you are not detached enough to keep this on a purely FWB basis. You will get hurt here. 2
doyathinkso Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 I caution you... when you get sex from one person it sometimes becomes more difficult to get connected to someone new you’re trying to date. It’s only easy if you are skilled at compartmentalizing. And this is why Friends With Benefits (FWB) is always ..... Always .... ALWAYS such a BAD IDEA!!!!!! 1
GuitarGuy7 Posted May 8, 2019 Posted May 8, 2019 Have a question... I [29M] am dating a girl [27F] who is on a 5 day road trip now with her friend who is a girl, and also a guy.We've been dating less than 2 months. Any thoughts? I don't think you have anything to worry about. If it were just your girlfriend and her guy friend going on the trip, then you should be concerned. But I feel since she's also bringing her friend along (who's a girl) on the trip as well, it's not really in a romantic context. Since she brought the girl friend along, she probably doesn't see it as anything romantic. Plus even if anything happens, the girl will probably step in and be like, that's wrong.
kendahke Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 I don't think you have anything to worry about. If it were just your girlfriend and her guy friend going on the trip, then you should be concerned. But I feel since she's also bringing her friend along (who's a girl) on the trip as well, it's not really in a romantic context. Since she brought the girl friend along, she probably doesn't see it as anything romantic. Plus even if anything happens, the girl will probably step in and be like, that's wrong. In my college days, I went on road trip with my friend and their guy friend and guess when they ended up making me listen to all night long=until I got the car keys and went and slept in the car? It wasn't Freebird.
Marc878 Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 If you're looking for a relationship this arrangement will just get in your way. Deep down you're hoping it'll become more so you don't want to cut it off but she's been honest. You aren't much to her. So any issues arise that'll be on you. She's told you what you needed to know.
Author skanzer Posted May 9, 2019 Author Posted May 9, 2019 (edited) Don't want to drag on this thread, But honestly, she did absolutely nothing wrong to me, and has only shown my kindness, honesty and interest. We were never exclusive, she had this trip plan set up before I met her, and she knew the guy 1 year and they never got anywhere. She told me she had a crush on him early when we met and weren't even sexual together. I sincerely believe he is just her friend and that I was being EXTREMELY insecure as if she should mold her life to please me. I shouldn't have expected her to not go on the trip for my insecurities, especially after knowing her only 2 months. After the trip, and before, pretty much all I've known her, she's been texting me constantly, seeing me every 2 days, sex, etc. I think I was trying to rush things, but I know she really likes me. This is not a case of her not seeing me, not talking to me, and me waiting for her attention. She talks to me and sees me A LOT, and I think we sincerely enjoy the time together. I think I gave everyone the wrong idea here, but she's a really great friend, and I'm learning that it's fine to not rush her to be my gf. And actually, even if she didn't end up as my gf, I'd still be happy to be her friend. There's a reason she sees me a lot, and sincerely wants to text me all day, it's because we vibe a lot. I truly believe that things are not always as black and white as they seem on the surface, and that sometimes the advice of moving on and cutting a girl off is a good idea, but I don't think it's the right advice in this case. I'm going to keep her around, and stop being so desperate, let things just flow, and just enjoy the friendship, the sex, and enjoy things the way they are now. She has shown me no disrespect since we met, and has only been kind. All or nothing isn't the best path for this one...but I do understand why many of you got the wrong idea. Until we are exclusive though, I am keeping my options open, but I feel this might go somewhere. Edited May 9, 2019 by skanzer
Morello Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 Noone had the wrong idea. She told you she had a crush on a guy and she went on a trip with him. On that fact alone, most people would at least step back a bit and give it some thought. Also, the fact you are overthinking this proves you're not totally ok with it as your last posts sounds. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 she said "I think you like me much more than I like you". Op I havent forgot this. you can say what you want bruh but dont come crying back on this thread if/when she breaks your heart again while your trying to convince yourself that everything is okay 1
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 And this is why Friends With Benefits (FWB) is always ..... Always .... ALWAYS such a BAD IDEA!!!!!! They are a bad idea for many people but for those who can compartmentalize, FWB can be great fun. The problem is that it's hard to keep your emotions out of it. I'm going to keep her around, and stop being so desperate, let things just flow, and just enjoy the friendship, the sex, and enjoy things the way they are now. She has shown me no disrespect since we met, and has only been kind. All or nothing isn't the best path for this one...but I do understand why many of you got the wrong idea. Until we are exclusive though, I am keeping my options open, but I feel this might go somewhere. No disrespect? What?! She doesn't let you come to her house to parties! That is incredibly disrespectful. I'm glad you decided to slow down & see how things play out. Just guard your heart. I do fear that you are the guy she is using while she waits for her travel buddy -- who does attend these parties -- to agree to date her. 2
doyathinkso Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 They are a bad idea for many people but for those who can compartmentalize, FWB can be great fun. AAAANNNNNDDDDD .... people who compartmentalize are bad risks for stable long lasting relationships as well. Typical cheater's mindset.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2019 Posted May 9, 2019 AAAANNNNNDDDDD .... people who compartmentalize are bad risks for stable long lasting relationships as well. Typical cheater's mindset. What? Between 2 single consenting people having sex without being in love or committed is just fine. Being able to enjoy the physical aspects of sex without the emotional entanglements is no indication that someone will cheat. After coming out of a 10 year committed relationship I had a grand year of a FWB fling with a sexy although otherwise wholly inappropriate guy. The sex was glorious but I did not want a "relationship" with this unemployed alcoholic. I just wanted sex with his awesome body. We had very little in common other than between the sheets. It was great. When that got boring, I broke things off & never looked back. About a year later I met the man who became my husband the previous fling was never a consideration. Cheating & compartmentalizing are vastly different concepts. The idea of a FWB was raised by the OP here. He was wondering if he could downgrade his interactions with the girl about whom he posted. Most cautioned against it because he already had feelings. Since his heart wanted more, accepting less wasn't the best plan.
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