New GF Going On Trip With Guy

[some_username1]

I don’t know where others are coming from with their DTB (Dump That Bitch) advice because you will find plenty of other threads where it is argued that you aren’t even seriously dating at the two month mark- you barely know each other and she is expected to either bail out on people she has known a lot longer (and maybe lose money in the process) or insert a stranger into the dynamic, possibly pissing off her friends just to ease the insecurities of a guy she has been dating for 2 months?! Gimme a freaking break- would you lot do either of those things? I sure wouldn’t, I’d be going on the trip and the woman would have to deal with it because at the two month stage she has no demands on my time.

 

It's a difficult predicament for a man to find himself in, for sure but it basically comes down to bad timing that you met this girl when you did OP, simple as that. The way to deal with it is to be bright and breezy, calmly explain to her that you have no problem with her going on the trip (as it would be clingy and possessive to feel otherwise and that is not attractive) but you do have one reservation about her admitted attraction to this guy and see how she responds. If you feel unconvinced by her response then you could then downgrade the nature of your relationship with her to being casual for the time being, date other women and see how her friendship with this guy looks after they get back. You have to leave this trip in the lap of the Gods and let fate take it’s course, really.

[Marc878]

I don't leave my fate in the hands of anyone but me.

 

No one else gets to determine that.

[some_username1]

I don't leave my fate in the hands of anyone but me.

 

No one else gets to determine that.

 

For someone you have known for 6 months+ sure- but 2 months? It's way over the top to expect someone you barely know to prioritise you and throwing the baby out with the bath water to flounce off and cut all contact because she is going to go on the trip.

 

Act like a man who has options, keep her in the bull-pen and if something comes of it at a later date then great.

[Marc878]

If you read all his posts he knows enough now. You don't needs 6 months to read the signs.

 

Why waste half a year on this?

 

Serves no purpose.

[preraph]

You're not exclusive and only been dating two months, so it's no surprise you're not exclusive. I wouldn't assume she's having sex with this guy. Sounds like he's a lost cause. But you are not exclusive, so yes, by all means, you should just date other people until if and when exclusivity happens.

 

Also, just because she told you she likes the guy doesn't mean that the purpose of the trip was to get with him. I used to work with a guy who one of my exes called "the male model" and we went on trips to see concerts because we just both liked the band. We did a lot of stuff together and never so much as held hands.

[kendahke]

I don’t know where others are coming from with their DTB (Dump That Bitch) advice because you will find plenty of other threads where it is argued that you aren’t even seriously dating at the two month mark- you barely know each other and she is expected to either bail out on people she has known a lot longer (and maybe lose money in the process) or insert a stranger into the dynamic, possibly pissing off her friends just to ease the insecurities of a guy she has been dating for 2 months?! Gimme a freaking break- would you lot do either of those things? I sure wouldn’t, I’d be going on the trip and the woman would have to deal with it because at the two month stage she has no demands on my time.

.

 

^^^cosign this

[bachdude]

I'll never understand this generation- that you can go through all the motions of exclusive couples (seeing each other regularly, talking/texting all the time, having sex) yet with no commitment.

 

You see it all the time on LS; endless confusion, people getting hurt, wondering why the person they thought was committed to them isn't.

 

Oh, ok, I see!...you've been offering your entire body to me, and I to you, but I cannot expect any ties because you never uttered that magic word, exclusive! Haha so naive of me! Sorry for the misunderstanding, for thinking sex actually meant something still.

 

We've raised a generation of people who don't know the distinction between using things and loving people.

[Flame Aura]

Dating for 2 months and I'm assuming you are not official boyfriend and girlfriend? That's your first mistake, what are you waiting for?

 

You clearly like her and want a long term exclusive relationship.

 

Can't expect her to not be seeing anyone else if you have not taken the lead and have admitted you are going to see other girls.

[Logo]

In my experience, people interested in others don't prioritize contact with you.

 

 

In my experience, some people, especially when they feel guilty or when they are trying to cover their tracks, overcompensate and maintain frequent contact and show interest. It depends on their personality.

 

 

 

If the frequency of contact and the content has been consistent and the same since the day they started dating 2 months ago, then it's safe to say that she's interested. If the frequency of contact went up and she's using words that show more interest and care, then something is fishy about it.

 

 

 

Just my 2 quids.

[Logo]

For someone you have known for 6 months+ sure- but 2 months? It's way over the top to expect someone you barely know to prioritise you and throwing the baby out with the bath water to flounce off and cut all contact because she is going to go on the trip.

 

Act like a man who has options, keep her in the bull-pen and if something comes of it at a later date then great.

 

 

 

 

I wonder if she's sending him texts telling him she misses him or that she wishes he was there with her or that the timing of the trip is bad etc. etc.

[Logo]

Dating for 2 months and I'm assuming you are not official boyfriend and girlfriend? That's your first mistake, what are you waiting for?

 

You clearly like her and want a long term exclusive relationship.

 

Can't expect her to not be seeing anyone else if you have not taken the lead and have admitted you are going to see other girls.

 

 

 

 

I wouldn't blame the OP. If he's not feeling it from her, he can't force her into a long term relationship just by asking. It has to be mutual. If she was showing signs of interest in exclusivity and he didn't follow through, that would be different.

[skanzer]

I wonder if she's sending him texts telling him she misses him or that she wishes he was there with her or that the timing of the trip is bad etc. etc.

 

Actually, I voiced my thoughts to her, but in a subtle way, and she's been messaging me a lot less. Like before she was on the trip, it was all day messaging, and 1st day of the trip was same, but now she's barely messaging me, and I feel like crap to even message her as if I'm begging for her attention. All the while, I HAVE NO IDEA, what is going on this trip with her and the guy (even though a girl is there too), so I've honestly had a lot of anxiety and just trying not to think of this. She sends me updates, here and there, but it's very sporadic.

 

And to directly comment to what you said, she did not say she misses me, or wishes I was there, or anything like that.

 

Honestly, this just sucks. Maybe she really is into me, and when she comes back will see me as usual, and nothing is happening with her and the guy on this trip, but I just feel like crap about this whole thing at this point. It's like things went from great, to crap within a matter of a day or two.

 

I feel I should just wait, and feel it out a little when she returns, but part of me just wants to cut her off completely.

[skanzer]

It's a difficult predicament for a man to find himself in, for sure but it basically comes down to bad timing that you met this girl when you did OP, simple as that. The way to deal with it is to be bright and breezy, <SNIP>

 

Also I agree with this. Maybe I am being too sensitive, and emotional, and should just chill out a bit.

Edited April 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

In early dating when people do things that do not sit well with you, then it is better to call it a day, rather than sit worrying and wondering.

 

Early doors dating is supposed to be about hearts and flowers, easy comfortable and fun, not about being worried sick about whether she is having sex on a road trip with her crush...

 

After 2 months of dating this girl took it upon herself to take a road trip with another guy - not a childhood friend, a friend from uni, a guy she has known forever as a friend... NO, a guy she has a crush on and that is inappropriate and unacceptable.

Two months may not be a long time but when a person is really interested, they want to impress, not piss off the person they are dating.

 

It is never a good idea to get into the "pick me" dance.

She has set you up in a competition for her affections and it looks like he is winning at this point.

People who play such games are not good relationship material full stop.

[skanzer]

In early dating when people do things that do not sit well with you, then it is better to call it a day, rather than sit worrying and wondering.

 

Early doors dating is supposed to be about hearts and flowers, easy comfortable and fun, not about being worried sick about whether she is having sex on a road trip with her crush...

 

After 2 months of dating this girl took it upon herself to take a road trip with another guy - not a childhood friend, a friend from uni, a guy she has known forever as a friend... NO, a guy she has a crush on and that is inappropriate and unacceptable.

Two months may not be a long time but when a person is really interested, they want to impress, not piss off the person they are dating.

 

It is never a good idea to get into the "pick me" dance.

She has set you up in a competition for her affections and it looks like he is winning at this point.

People who play such games are not good relationship material full stop.

 

This is random to say

 

But recently, I was dating a different girl. We would never text each other, only to arrange meetings, we went on 6 dates or so. She even took me out for me bday, spent $100 for dinner (she made a reservation for a place, offered on her own) and also got me a gift (just saying this because she was really kind to me).

 

Anyways, eventually she just told me FLAT OUT that she just wants to be friends, and that I should date other girls. She said seeing and spending time with her friends is more important, than to spend time with me (I think it came out harsh, because her English isn't good, she's Japanese).

 

Honestly it stung just for a bit, but I was so relieved at her honesty at least, and I have mad respect for her. This current chick, if she's just gas-lighting/trolling me, it's just messed up. I really respect when a girl is just HONEST, no bull****.

[SevenCity]

Now I’m seeing a pattern. I bet these girls liked you initially and you friend zoned yourself with beta behavior.

 

Waiting around to see if you’re being too emotional and she wasn’t actually having sex with this guy is beta behavior.

 

Instead, you should be working on other options and letting them fight for you.

 

When you find a woman with high interest, SHE will be trying to lock you down. That’s the way any gf I’ve ever had did it. They realized they wanted me and didn’t want to risk losing me to another woman. Let alone go on vacation with another guy.

 

Regardless of what she is or is not doing with this guy, she is upsetting you with her behavior. That should be enough to cut her off after 2 months.

 

Don’t project your high interest for her onto how she feels about you. Her actions are telling you everything you need to know.

[skanzer]

Now I’m seeing a pattern. I bet these girls liked you initially and you friend zoned yourself with beta behavior.

 

Waiting around to see if you’re being too emotional and she wasn’t actually having sex with this guy is beta behavior.

 

Instead, you should be working on other options and letting them fight for you.

 

When you find a woman with high interest, SHE will be trying to lock you down. That’s the way any gf I’ve ever had did it. They realized they wanted me and didn’t want to risk losing me to another woman. Let alone go on vacation with another guy.

 

Regardless of what she is or is not doing with this guy, she is upsetting you with her behavior. That should be enough to cut her off after 2 months.

 

Don’t project your high interest for her onto how she feels about you. Her actions are telling you everything you need to know.

 

Beta behavior? So instead of waiting to see I'm being to emotional and if she wasn't having sex with this guy, what should I do?

 

Honestly, what should I do? Should I send her a message, tell her I'm done?

[SevenCity]

Beta behavior? So instead of waiting to see I'm being to emotional and if she wasn't having sex with this guy, what should I do?

 

Honestly, what should I do? Should I send her a message, tell her I'm done?

 

Find other girls and date them. Seriously. Continue to have sex with this girl if you can keep your feelings in check. If you can’t, you should end it.

 

I don’t mean this as a personal hit, but do you find women friend zone you often when initially they seemed romantically interested? Do you come across as a “nice guy”?

 

The way your acting is very feminine. You are basically sitting at home waiting to see if she is banging this guy. As a man, you don’t let things happen to you, you make them happen.

 

If this is the way she is two months in, imagine once she gets comfortable?

[skanzer]

Find other girls and date them. Seriously. Continue to have sex with this girl if you can keep your feelings in check. If you can’t, you should end it.

 

I don’t mean this as a personal hit, but do you find women friend zone you often when initially they seemed romantically interested? Do you come across as a “nice guy”?

 

The way your acting is very feminine. You are basically sitting at home waiting to see if she is banging this guy. As a man, you don’t let things happen to you, you make them happen.

 

If this is the way she is two months in, imagine once she gets comfortable?

 

I agree with you, and yes, I'm acting weak. It's not her fault, it's mine, so I don't put this blame on her (in relation to how I control my emotions).

 

I don't take your words personal, actually I think you gauged me quite well, and I appreciate your honest criticism.

 

I am probably too much of a nice guy sometimes, but I'm also very sincere, I don't feel it's in a weak way, and I really mean that. I'm a bit stoic in many ways with girls. I say a lot on this thread, but I'm very cautious what I say with girls.

 

In this particular situation, I just don't want to be "gaslighted", and taken for a fool. I also feel like if I open up, I just seem needy/"feminine".

 

But actually I want to say how I feel to her, and be honest. Meh...honestly, I should just kill myself

[Kelliousme]

I agree with you, and yes, I'm acting weak. It's not her fault, it's mine, so I don't put this blame on her (in relation to how I control my emotions).

 

In this particular situation, I just don't want to be "gaslighted", and taken for a fool. I also feel like if I open up, I just seem needy/"feminine".

 

But actually I want to say how I feel to her, and be honest. Meh...honestly, I should just kill myself

 

See, now I truly believe the problem is with you, not her. She did nothing wrong tbh. You guys met 2 months ago. Your first post gave me the idea that you guys are already exclusive. Until you said you might just go date other girls at the same time. So are you guys exclusive or not? If you're allowed to go date other women then what's wrong with the idea that she might be going on this trip to try to get with the guy?

 

However, if you guys ARE exclusive.. then you're an ass for saying you might go date other woman at the same time. She's telling you everything. She's being honest with you. She reassured you. If she planned this trip a while ago, I don't see why she should drop the trip for someone she JUST started to date.

 

OP, you also sound very insecure and needy. Something is also obviously wrong if you say you should just kill yourself over something like this. You're getting so anxious just because she's not texting you as much. You're on the verge of breaking up with her just because you're afraid she's lying to you when she's reassuring you AND constantly texting you while she's on vacation. You sound like a possessive boyfriend. Just chill/relax. Focus on yourself. See how things go when she comes back.

[skanzer]

See, now I truly believe the problem is with you, not her. She did nothing wrong tbh. You guys met 2 months ago. Your first post gave me the idea that you guys are already exclusive. Until you said you might just go date other girls at the same time. So are you guys exclusive or not? If you're allowed to go date other women then what's wrong with the idea that she might be going on this trip to try to get with the guy?

 

However, if you guys ARE exclusive.. then you're an ass for saying you might go date other woman at the same time. She's telling you everything. She's being honest with you. She reassured you. If she planned this trip a while ago, I don't see why she should drop the trip for someone she JUST started to date.

 

OP, you also sound very insecure and needy. Something is also obviously wrong if you say you should just kill yourself over something like this. You're getting so anxious just because she's not texting you as much. You're on the verge of breaking up with her just because you're afraid she's lying to you when she's reassuring you AND constantly texting you while she's on vacation. You sound like a possessive boyfriend. Just chill/relax. Focus on yourself. See how things go when she comes back.

 

It's a little scary how right you are.

 

But keep in mind, she's on a trip with a guy she said she has a crush on, I should just be okay with that?

 

Also, the killing myself comment was a bad joke...I'm not suicidal...and honestly, I don't think necessarily needy, I just want a girl who wants me back, and shows it.

[skanzer]

Also, second comment, where did I say I'd date other girls? I said I have dated girls in the past, but since me and her have dated, I have not been dating girls, and have denied even going on dates with girls who ask, out of respect for this girl.

 

We are not "EXCLUSIVE", but we are essentially a couple. It's so silly to me, how it needs to be vocalized. Words are not the only method of communications, we are dating, and it's essentially exclusive.

[AGoodFriend]

Also, second comment, where did I say I'd date other girls? I said I have dated girls in the past, but since me and her have dated, I have not been dating girls, and have denied even going on dates with girls who ask, out of respect for this girl.

 

We are not "EXCLUSIVE", but we are essentially a couple. It's so silly to me, how it needs to be vocalized. Words are not the only method of communications, we are dating, and it's essentially exclusive.

 

Skanzer, I have been in your situation in the past and it turned out for the worst. Most of the posters here, I think, are just trying to tell you to guard yourself a little bit and be ready for anything. Because what happens will come out sooner or later.

 

I think her telling you her crush was "asexual" was to keep you from getting jealous.

 

She sounds like she likes the chase and is not ready for a real commitment. Now that she has you in the bag, so to speak, she is going to go hard for her crush on this vacation.

 

All I can say is that, if something happens, I hope you never find out. It is crushing (no pun intended).

 

When she gets back, ask her how it went and leave it at that. If she shows you pictures great. But if she doesn't really want to talk about it, don't prod for more details.

Edited April 30, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[bachdude]

In the final analysis, even if he cannot consider the relationship as exclusive the new budding relationship was going extremely well and this whole road trip with the crush stresses the relationship. I think it would cause most people some level of discomfort and concern.

 

So this means a couple things. 1) It is she that is causing the stress in the relationship and 2) he is not being insecure.

 

It's a set back. The relationship was propelling forward nicely and now a lot of the momentum is gone - in fact, the relationship they have been establishing is damaged. This was ultimately her decision to do this, not his.

 

If someone is in a new relationship and it has been going well, and that person truly cares to keep it moving forward, they won't behave in a way to damage it, whether technically exclusive or not.

[Marc878]

The good thing is the OP knows what he has now. Instead of guessing it's very obvious.

 

He's got the perfect info for his path forward.

 

Ok to date but not really the relationship material he's looking for.

 

So you either wallow in this living on hopium or seek a better match.