New GF Going On Trip With Guy

[skanzer]

Have a question...

 

I [29M] am dating a girl [27F] who is on a 5 day road trip now with her friend who is a girl, and also a guy.We've been dating less than 2 months.

 

Now, early on when we met, I told her I liked her, and she told me she likes this guy (the one who went on the trip with her). Eventually, she chose me to date, and not the guy. She sees me often, and texts me all day essentially, we have sex etc. Her justification for me not to worry that this guy is on the trip with her, is that he's not interested in girls (she says he's asexual but not gay, which I don't buy at all), and she said even if he was interested in girls, he's just a friend (but still, she previously said she had a crush on him to me).

 

I'm not sure how I should feel. During this road trip, she sends me updates, texts me a lot still etc, and also her friend who is a girl is with her. Also, I'm secretly annoyed that she didn't invite me on this trip, and instead, it's her and this guy (and another girl). She's essentially having new and fun experiences with another guy, and not me. She's known him 1 year, and only me for less than 2 months, so I don't want to be forceful/controlling, and maybe they had made these plans in advance, before I even met her, but still, she didn't invite me. Also, I can't tell her to stop being friends with whoever she's already friends with, I feel, because it's fine for a chick to have guy friends too, right?

 

She says I have no reason to worry and I should just trust her. I've shown her signs of me being bothered, but I don't want to seem sensitive either. I see her sending me pictures of the trip, posted stories on IG, and it just pisses me off honestly.

 

Any thoughts?

[Marc878]

Her trip meant more to her that your relationship did. Obviously.

 

Would you do this to her?

 

If not why would you accept less?

 

Dating is just a try out. What have you learned so far?

 

If it were me I'd date her if I wanted to but it wouldn't be exclusive.

 

From what you've posted I think you would be better finding someone more compatible that has similar boundaries, etc.

[Marc878]

Her justification for me not to worry that this guy is on the trip with her, is that he's not interested in girls (she says he's asexual but not gay, which I don't buy at all), and she said even if he was interested in girls, he's just a friend (but still, she previously said she had a crush on him to me).

 

Bwahahahahaha, that's one of the oldest one in the book. Up there with were just "friends".

 

Look, you don't have much invested in this. Date her, have fun but let it go at that.

 

In life you get what you allow.

 

You have value. Realize that. This girl is a want but you don't need her.

[skanzer]

Bwahahahahaha, that's one of the oldest one in the book. Up there with were just "friends".

 

Look, you don't have much invested in this. Date her, have fun but let it go at that.

 

In life you get what you allow.

 

You have value. Realize that. This girl is a want but you don't need her.

 

She shows she likes me, gives me time, sees me, texts me, sex etc...but it feels like she's keeping her options open with me. I do agree, I can date her, but if I start mixing feelings in this, like I've already done, I could just end up hurt.

 

I'll keep seeing her, but I'm going to date other girls at the same time. But honestly this isn't my ideal approach, I prefer just 1 girl who's really into me and I'm really into her, mutual respect, no reason to give one another to worry out of curtesy (meaning, although we are both free individuals, I'd be respectful enough not to hang out with other girls in such a way that would give her cause for concern...)

 

Anyways, thank you for your reply

[Marc878]

She shows she likes me, gives me time, sees me, texts me, sex etc...but it feels like she's keeping her options open with me.

 

Hmmm, I'd trust my gut. She is who she is and that's not going to change. Her character is set at that age.

 

If you want someone who treats you like you treat them she isn't it.

 

If exclusivity is what you're looking for then tying yourself up to this means you don't have time to find what you really want.

 

Why do you feel you have to stay in this?

 

It's your life isn't it?

[Marc878]

This may help you

 

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF and it's short

[shrimpgogo]

Don't try to lock her in a relationship! If she wants to be exclusive, she

will let you know. But you are not going to just stand there waiting for

her while she is having fun with other people and travelling around.

 

Do the same, date other girls and if she brings the exclusivity talk then

good for you! But you have to keep your cool, and be a little mysterious

and playful with your feelings. I know this is easier said than done, but

you have to try to be like this. Sometimes when you are not very clear

about your feelings, creates a little "anxiety" in her that when its combined

with the right time-frame always results in a powerful attraction. What

will probably work on her is patience, time, mystery. Exactly what she

is giving you and making you feel this way. (be patient while im on my

trip (patience), wait till I get back (time), and the "asexual" guy (mystery).

 

But try doing the same not to prove something to her, but mostly for

yourself. Try dating other girls..

 

Now, the fact that she texts you, calls you, sends you pics, the sex part

and all that is a clear indication that she likes you a lot and when a woman

is offering you all that you should know you are in the right path.

 

But still, for now you are just an option for her and you should be glad

for it that she will consider you if you keep your cool and not feel insecure

and chase her. Better to be indifferent than clingy / needy. And don't

forget that she is not yours, it might just be your turn, if you are hoping

for a serious relationship.

[todreaminblue]

Have you had a talk about being exclusive sexually or not? do they all share a room while road tripping.....i dont know what this woman is like i think the only thing you can do is determine what your boundaries are and be open in communication about what you will be ok with and what you wont be hopefully she will reciprocate in communication open and honestly so you both know what's good and the boundaries what would cross a line.i think establishing boundaries early in dating will establish a healthy dating sphere...then theres

no /////oh i didnt know it would bother you...less likely for someone to get hurt then....deb

[d0nnivain]

Was the trip planned before you two started dating? That could be part of it. When I started dating the man who is now my husband in July, I already had a New Year's Eve cruise planned with a group of friends. I was sharing a cabin with another woman. It's cost prohibitive to go on a cruise as a single. Anyway, by the time I was comfortable enough with DH to even think about traveling with him (around late November) it was too late; the ship was sold out. I know that is not the case here & I barely knew the men traveling in our group; I certainly wasn't attracted to any of them.

 

However, the fact that you know she likes him romantically makes this problematic. It's like she's playing you two against each other. I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

 

For now, keep accepting the updates. Do have a long talk with her when she gets back. If you don't like the answers, you know what to do.

[elaine567]

She is taking you for a fool.

She is going on this trip with her crush and expects you to be OK with it.

On what planet is that OK?

 

Is that really the kind of a girl you want to date?

[Kelliousme]

Wait what? Am I the only one who doesn't see a huge problem here? I mean.. she picked you. You guys only went out for 2 months. She's known the guy for 1 year. Perhaps she really doesn't like him anymore and that the trip was planned a while ago. Personally if I just started to date a guy I wouldn't invite him along a trip I've planned with my friends.

 

Most importantly she's telling you everything, you know? She's constantly texting you and whatnot. You should trust her until she does something that says otherwise.

[SevenCity]

Your first mistake was being ok with being her second choice. If this guy liked her she wouldn’t be dating you. That’s not to say they won’t uave sex, he just doesn’t want her long term.

 

Always be a woman’s first choice. Don’t settle for being second.

 

The above would have prevented this situation - when you are a woman’s first choice she would never risk losing you over something like this.

[d0nnivain]

Wait what? Am I the only one who doesn't see a huge problem here?

 

Yes she picked the OP but only after the guy on the trip rejected her repeatedly for 10 months. The OP is her fall back. Sorry skanzer. If she had totally written this other guy off, she would not have gone on the trip or she would have invited her new BF. There is a better than even chance that she has visions of lots of alone time on this trip with her & this guy. There is a possibility that it's all on the up & up & they are just traveling as friends but that seems less likely then she's using the OP to try to make the travel guy jealous.

[SevenCity]

To add, she likes him so much she’s willing to put up with his questionable sexual orientation. THAT is high interest.

Edited April 29, 2019 by SevenCity

[skanzer]

Your first mistake was being ok with being her second choice. If this guy liked her she wouldn’t be dating you. That’s not to say they won’t uave sex, he just doesn’t want her long term.

 

Always be a woman’s first choice. Don’t settle for being second.

 

The above would have prevented this situation - when you are a woman’s first choice she would never risk losing you over something like this.

 

Honestly, this is my feeling. This is the core of my feeling.

 

I don't feel like I'm being put first. I try to justify to myself certain things, but at the end of the day, she's having new experiences and on this trip with this guy (and another guy), and I'm not there.

 

She makes me question this relationship, and yes she gives me more than a bone, she gives me sex and a lot of attention that seems sincere, she even buys me gifts randomly, but I feel like she's juggling me and this guy. It ESPECIALLY BOTHERS ME that when I first told her that I liked her, her FIRST response was saying she has a crush on the guy she's currently on the trip with. That's why I'm so bothered, it's not just any guy, it's the guy she admitted she had a crush on!

[Normm]

her friend who is a girl, and also a guy.

 

 

Pretty neat trick!

[skanzer]

Pretty neat trick!

 

 

This was a typo.

She's on a trip with a girl and a guy.

[Redhead14]

friend who is a girl, and also a guy.

 

 

The way this was worded, I thought this was a going to be a thread about hermaphrodite

[Poutrew]

Ummm.... do you know if she is actually on a real 'trip'? That she isn't sending you those texts from the other guy's apartment, after they have had wild, sweaty, 3-ways? It may sound silly on first blush, but I wouldn't trust anything she tells me at this point...

[skanzer]

Ummm.... do you know if she is actually on a real 'trip'? That she isn't sending you those texts from the other guy's apartment, after they have had wild, sweaty, 3-ways? It may sound silly on first blush, but I wouldn't trust anything she tells me at this point...

 

Yes, I'm 99.9% sure she's on this trip.

This kind of comment just shows how carefully I have to calculate miscalculated advice on this forum (not your fault, I'm just a stranger)

[bachdude]

OP, my general advise to all posters in this forum who are in situations such as yours is always this - if you want to protect your heart, only date women who have proper boundaries with other men. That she admitted to her crush on the 'asexual' guy and still goes on the road trip - excluding you, no less - shows a not only a lack of boundaries but a selfish streak and a non committal attitude towards you.

 

She's trying to compensate with all the reassurances but this just shows she knows what she is doing could be interpreted as less than innocent and is not fair to you.

 

You're seeing some important aspects of her personality pretty early on. Think hard before investing more into her.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't know ... I can see why you would be alarmed and jealous ... on the other hand, she has maintained high and attentive contact with you throughout the trip. That's a good sign.

 

In my experience, people interested in others don't prioritize contact with you. And btw: I have an asexual acquaintance ... I assume your "gf" (I know you guys aren't exclusive yet) meant "asexual" in the literal sense, not as in he's not very sexual with her. Though I was stunned when this acquaintance explained his asexuality, since then more and more people are coming out as asexual.

 

She's with another woman as well ... I don't know. I get why you're worried, but I'm not getting that you are picking up specific vibes that say she's lying to you. If you think she's lying to you, then end the relationship.

 

She's known this person for a while ... so yeah, people will sometimes plan and go on trips with others they have known longer than us.

 

I suggest you chill and wait and feel her out when she returns. Do go get outraged at her. She's done nothing wrong. See if you feel comfortable. I don't necessarily see her story as a lie. Just me.

 

You've told her you feel jealous, I am assuming. How did she react?

[kendahke]

.We've been dating less than 2 months. She's known him 1 year, and only me for less than 2 months,

 

There you go.

 

You may be more invested in this than she really is.

[SevenCity]

Honestly, this is my feeling. This is the core of my feeling.

 

I don't feel like I'm being put first. I try to justify to myself certain things, but at the end of the day, she's having new experiences and on this trip with this guy (and another guy), and I'm not there.

 

She makes me question this relationship, and yes she gives me more than a bone, she gives me sex and a lot of attention that seems sincere, she even buys me gifts randomly, but I feel like she's juggling me and this guy. It ESPECIALLY BOTHERS ME that when I first told her that I liked her, her FIRST response was saying she has a crush on the guy she's currently on the trip with. That's why I'm so bothered, it's not just any guy, it's the guy she admitted she had a crush on!

 

Then do something about it. It’s tough to be preemptive but it will save you loads of pain.

 

If I’m not first to the woman I am dating, she quickly gets dumped or moved lower on the roster.

[Marc878]

OP it sounds like you know the score here but you're living on hopium. Maybe she'll pick me if he doesn't want her?

 

You've got yourself stuck. You should value and respect yourself more.

 

It's obvious she doesn't