Feeling stuck in a rut...

[goldengirl11]

I was hesitant to write this, as I didn't want to look a laughing stock, but I'm really struggling with getting out there dating. I guess it is due to my lack of *good* experience (even though I turned 40 last year), my lack of assertiveness and weight gain (due to comfort-eating), which I'm trying to work on. I was also about to start a new full time job, which I feel would have likely helped in all aspects, but sadly it fell through.

I keep reflecting on the last person I briefly dated last summer, who clearly wanted to take things further, but in a nutshell his constant, if slightly forceful affection, I had found off-putting and tbh I chickened out and ghosted him. Something I feel very guilty about and feel that I may have missed a golden opportunity to build a relationship with someone who actually wants to be with me! I am tempted to contact him again and apologise, after he contacted me about six weeks ago.

He said that it was fine to wait for sex 'til I was ready, but kissing, cuddling and holding hands is important. Although, for me, I tend to prefer to wait 'til I get to know the person a bit better, if a few dates in. Yet somehow I felt pressure there. He'd even sent me pics of his newly decorated bedroom etc, as he wanted me to feel comfortable.

We spent most of the day together, before he drove me back home and put simply, I couldn't help feeling a bit relieved when I got home. Nevertheless, he felt it went well, but then I didn't express that I felt uncomfortable. For example, when he was stroking my inner thigh when we were sitting on the boat (we went for a short boat ride), giving me back hugs, pulling me round the waist in the car (presumedly for a hug) and wanting to full-on snog, which I didn't feel the urge to do, so kind of then backed off a bit. He also suggested we booked into a hotel "if that didn't seem too presumptuous" and said he booked the day off work the next day just incase.

Admittedly we had spent the night together about 10 years ago (no sex) when we last met, *but* he didn't realise that I was purely on the rebound then and that I wouldn't normally sleep with someone so quickly. He told me last time we met he hadn't felt this way in years.

I'm gutted that I haven't had a steady, healthy relationship by now, let alone a family, which makes me feel suicidal at times. I know that my parents would also really like me to meet someone and worry that I just look permanently single. Yet, the thought of having sex again is... quite scary tbh, if disgusting. I was brought up to have sex after marriage, so wasted loads of time before giving in to an older, pushy boyfriend in my late twenties. I'm probably asexual, but I just want to feel normal - and happy!

Edited April 29, 2019 by goldengirl11

[preraph]

He's not right for you. Don't open that door again. Going up your thigh too soon is pushy. I think that's for AFTER you've had sex.

 

First, concentrate on getting a job. For one thing, you don't want to be the one with idle time and texting a new guy too much out of boredom. If you can't find the job you want, find two you don't want just to get by. You never know when one can turn into something.

 

Lose your little bit of weight. Just spend the next few weeks on finding a job and losing weight. Then date when you feel otherwise grounded. Good luck.

[goldengirl11]

He's not right for you. Don't open that door again. Going up your thigh too soon is pushy. I think that's for AFTER you've had sex.

 

First, concentrate on getting a job. For one thing, you don't want to be the one with idle time and texting a new guy too much out of boredom. If you can't find the job you want, find two you don't want just to get by. You never know when one can turn into something.

 

Lose your little bit of weight. Just spend the next few weeks on finding a job and losing weight. Then date when you feel otherwise grounded. Good luck.

 

Thank you, your sensitive advice was much appreciated.

[bachdude]

To me it is obvious, he is after sex. Find a gentleman.

 

I'm amazed how many guys don't understand this simple concept - if she isn't comfortable around you she isn't going fall for ya. No comfort no love. It's simple really.

[BaileyB]

If it doesn’t feel right to you, it isnt.

 

He would be way too suggestive to me. To put his hand on your inner thigh, suggest that you get a hotel room,and tell you that he had booked the next day off “just in case...” Too much, too fast.

[TheFinalWord]

I do understand your concerns.

 

Just know, most men are not going to date you for long if you don't at least kiss them. Kissing is a proxy for gauging sexual chemistry. If the kiss is good, generally the rest will be good and vice versa. If you don't want to kiss him because you're not attracted, then you should stay away. He also sounds kinda creepy to me and has no game at all. But most men don't.

 

Going further than that, I strongly encourage women to wait until they see evidence that there is an emotional bond between the two of you. That way the intimacy will mean something and will strengthen the bond. Too much meaningless sex and you reduce the ability to pair bond with future mates.

 

You probably have some issues due to stringent religious upbringing. There is wisdom in those ancient texts, but we no longer live in the type of society that the bible promotes. We live more in the Greek culture Paul preached against. If you're a Christian, and you know you will not have sex until marriage, you should stick to the church. If you're going to try your hand in the secular dating market, get ready to have all your religious boundaries tested.

 

I agree with the others that you should focus on making yourself ready for dating. Set a list of goals related to your finances, health, and career. You may need to see a professional to explore your sexuality more because that may beyond what any of us can assist you with here.

 

Good luck OP. And you're not a laughing stock. Everyone here is really supportive.

[d0nnivain]

I agree. You did not miss a golden opportunity with this guy. He wasn't right for you.

 

If it takes you a couple of dates to feel comfortable with handholding & hugs, being with a guy who touches you inner thigh early on is just a wrong fit.

 

Let's do 1st things 1st. Get your job & your weight sorted out. The fact that they are not where you want them to be is taking a toll on your self esteem. As you address both of them you will feel more confident. Confidence is essential in finding a good partner. You can't date when you are lacking to make yourself whole. You date because your life is overflowing with joy & abundance which you want to share.

 

Then you can branch out to meet new people. Get involved with an organization you care about & use that to meet new people.

 

If you are feeling suicidal, talk to someone, a hotline, a friend, your parents. Do not kill yourself.

 

Hang in there. You will be OK. You just need to push yourself a little.

[Foxhall]

Yes, I feel the desire to become physical with someone should be a natural thing that occurs when you meet the right guy, and clearly you are not comfortable with this chap in that regards,

 

 

perhaps take a step back and start doing things in your local community just with a view to getting to know new people and interacting on conversational level without feeling the need for a sexual undertone which has caused you anxiety in this case.

[goldengirl11]

If it takes you a couple of dates to feel comfortable with handholding & hugs, being with a guy who touches you inner thigh early on is just a wrong fit.

 

Thanks for your sensitive reply.

 

Do you think that it's unusual to take this long to feel comfortable with this type of affection? I guess that it depends on how quickly I bond with a person though. Whereas he said that he (already) felt so comfortable with me.

Edited May 1, 2019 by goldengirl11

[BaileyB]

Do you think that it's unusual to take this long to feel comfortable with this type of affection? I guess that it depends on how quickly I bond with a person.

 

Just because he felt comfortable with you, doesn’t mean that you should feel comfortable with him. Remember, he is a man. He wants sex - he had a hotel room booked and he took the next day off work!

 

I think it depends entirely on the person. I’m not usually one to place my trust easily and I generally won’t be affectionate until I am really comfortable with someone. That said, there are some people I am comfortable with sooner than others... there are some people with whom I would NEVER want to get affectionate!

[d0nnivain]

Do you think that it's unusual to take this long to feel comfortable with this type of affection? I guess that it depends on how quickly I bond with a person though. Whereas he said that he (already) felt so comfortable with me.

 

Yes I think it's unusual to feel uncomfortable with hand holding & hugs. That said I used to be uncomfortable with both because I grew up in a family where nobody touched. In college when I saw other people hug their families & had people hug me I decided I liked it & wanted it in my life so I started hugging my family. I'm still not the biggest social hugger. I prefer to shake hands with strangers & I am conscious of when the touch barriers get broken.

 

Try hugging the people who are already in your life to get yourself used to that nonsexual form of physical affection & comfort. It may help early dates with G rated touching feel more natural & less invasive.

 

That said, because you have a strong sense of physical space some guy grabbing your inner thigh early on isn't about his comfort. That is basically groping. It's about him pressing for sex & not respecting you. Hand holding, perhaps putting his arm about you while you were sitting down & a sweet kiss goodnight are all respectful & romantic. This guy crossed a line. Your move was to pick up the offending hand, look him in the eyes, then back at the hand, while deliberately placing the hand back onto his leg where it belonged. I would have accompanied that correction with an unwelcome scowl. Maintain clear boundaries at all times.

[goldengirl11]

7

Yes I think it's unusual to feel uncomfortable with hand holding & hugs. That said I used to be uncomfortable with both because I grew up in a family where nobody touched. In college when I saw other people hug their families & had people hug me I decided I liked it & wanted it in my life so I started hugging my family. I'm still not the biggest social hugger. I prefer to shake hands with strangers & I am conscious of when the touch barriers get broken.

 

Try hugging the people who are already in your life to get yourself used to that nonsexual form of physical affection & comfort. It may help early dates with G rated touching feel more natural & less invasive.

 

That said, because you have a strong sense of physical space some guy grabbing your inner thigh early on isn't about his comfort. That is basically groping. It's about him pressing for sex & not respecting you. Hand holding, perhaps putting his arm about you while you were sitting down & a sweet kiss goodnight are all respectful & uromantic. This guy crossed a line. Your move was to pick up the offending hand, look him in the eyes, then back at the hand, while deliberately placing the hand back onto his leg where it belonged. I would have accompanied that correction with an unwelcome scowl. Maintain clear boundaries at all times.

Even if he didn't mean to "grope," I still felt quite smothered with affection that early on, which made me feel nervous and uneasy. However, I can't help but feel that I should be more grateful though, as I'm literally, permanently single, due to most men, it would appear, just seeing me as fling material! Perhaps in part because of my busty/currently overweight looks? Whereas, he seemed genuinely into wanting a relationship with me. Sorry to go on and thanks for your advice! Edited May 1, 2019 by goldengirl11

[d0nnivain]

I doubt your curves alone make men view you as a fling; a fantasy maybe. Someone's perception of you should generally have more to do with your demeanor & character then appearance although initial appearance can be wrong. When I 1st saw my husband I thought he was a player because he was so handsome & well dressed.

[goldengirl11]

I doubt your curves alone make men view you as a fling; a fantasy maybe. Someone's perception of you should generally have more to do with your demeanor & character then appearance although initial appearance can be wrong. When I 1st saw my husband I thought he was a player because he was so handsome & well dressed.

That must have been a pleasant surprise then, to discover otherwise!

This might sound a bit over the top, but can I post a snapshot here of the person? Maybe delete it shortly afterwards? Just your impression.

I'm feeling that I should correct the situation quite honestly, as I am feeling very rude for ghosting him previously. He's probably got no idea why! I also recall the sent me a list of the places where he wanted to tske me and that he'd bought me a birthday present last summer.

I will try and learn from this situation though and be bolder in communicating better in future.

 

Ps I couldn't upload a pic here btw! Not sure why? I'm guessing it's security-wise.

Edited May 2, 2019 by goldengirl11