Girl told me some secrets about her past affairs, don't know how to feel

[pradude]

We've been dating for 6 months now, she is 6 years younger and I'm 29. I really, really care for this girl and we have an amazing connection. Last weekend when we went out to a pub with friends of mine. There a girl showed up I had an affair with (I was single at the time, she had a husband - Yes I am deeply ashamed of it). Immediately after I decided it would be best to tell my gf everything since that other woman is a part of my larger social circle, and I didn't my gf to ever be hurt about "finding out" about my ****ty past from someone else. So I came clean, 100%, something I don't think I ever done. She was really supportive and was actually happy that I opened up about it, and said she has some similar stories, but I didn't want to press it as I don't really care about the past.

 

Now, a couple of days ago we were drinking and she unprompted opened up about the "similar stories". While single quite recently before meeting me, she had an affair with a married man and before that with her married former boss. I listened but really feel I should have stopped it, as I don't think it had any bearing on our current relationship. She said she doesn't contact these people and is ashamed of what happened. I believe her. It was extremely difficult for her to even talk about it. But my question is, why did she even bring it up?

 

I brought up my dirty past because it could affect the present. But she really didn't have to do that. I am really confused. All she said as to why she told me is she wanted to be completely transparent as she believes I am. And I truly am, like I've never been in my life. But now I feel the equation changed. I believed that I was basically morally flawed and was hoping through will-power and therapy I would overcome it. And did just that. Addressed my cheating, etc in therapy as soon as I met my current GF - but now I learnt she is/was just like me. And can't help but worry.

 

What would you guys do? First: why did she bring it up? Was it a good thing? Does she still feel something for those guys and that's why it was difficult? Second: Are we ****ed up? I mean when two "morally irresponsible" people meet, is it a recipe for disaster? What would you do if your partner confessed to things like this?

 

For some context: we are both extremely in love, and at least from my part I want to do everything right and be the best person I can. But we are quite a peculiar couple in that we both struggled with personality disorders when we were younger: I from some symptoms of depression and NPD, and she from BPD. Both are in my opinion treated but obviously that could be a huge part in our dynamic.

Edited April 28, 2019 by pradude

[Blind-Sided]

Well........

 

 

She was being open an honest... and she didn't do anything that you haven't done. So, you really can't judge her any more harsh than you judge yourself. I know personally, I would feel uncomfortable with a long term relationship with her knowing she will fool around with married people. But, then again... I've never thought cheating or making anyone a cheater.

 

 

I think in your case... assuming everything is going good now... just talk and see if you can be faithful to each other.

[OatsAndHall]

I would be happy that she came out and was honest about her past indiscretions. I would be more concerned if she wasn't honest about it and you found out about it haphazardly. It's a part of her past, you haven't had the cleanest track record yourself so I would try to move forward.

 

 

IMO, a person's past only becomes a my business if it starts to affect our relationship. My ex-wife slept with a "disreputable individual" (i.e. a druggy criminal) before we started seeing one another. Shortly after she slept with him, she set him up with a close friend of hers without telling her that they'd slept together. She kept their little fling a secret from everyone, and laid a minefield that eventually detonated in our both faces.

 

 

 

Her past was her past and I passed no judgment. But, she created a bad situation by not being transparent with her friend and also by keeping him in our lives for two years. She had many opportunities to come clean about the whole circus with her friend but she didn't and we got dragged into a very nasty breakup between her friend and this guy.

[stillafool]

I think she told you because she wanted to let you know she had done the same thing as you and no one is perfect.

[FMW]

She probably felt more open and close with you after you shared your "secret" (regardless of your motivation for doing so) and so she was repaying in kind, opening herself up to you. People generally bond over sharing their most intimate thoughts, including past experiences.

 

If you feel she genuinely regrets her past mistakes, just as you regret yours, then I see no reason why this would be a game changer. You both messed up in the same way, you either both take the chance and trust each other, or you end it. If you can't accept it, then you probably need to consider how you can expect someone else to accept your past.

[smackie9]

That's what women do....they unload, unlike guys that sweep everything under the rug. It's what it is.

[BaileyB]

She was being open an honest... and she didn't do anything that you haven't done. So, you really can't judge her any more harsh than you judge yourself.

 

This. She shared with you, because you had shared something similar with her. She trusted you enough to tell you and not feel judged by you. She trusted you enough to be honest with you, and that not a bad thing when you are starting a new relationship.

 

The playing field is now level...

[smackie9]

Dude keep an eye on this. She might be the unloader type, about a lot of things, not just about her sex-apades. Best thing to do is put a cap on it, and learn to divert if you can't handle it.

[AGoodFriend]

If you're the insecure type, you have basically opened yourself up to a nice long bout with retroactive jealousy and obsession. You are going to have a hard time imagining the girl you have put on a pedestal up to this point as doing things that you consider morally repugnant, even if you did the same.

 

Men and women process these things differently. For men, it's all about the imagery. You are now going to be imagining her doing all sorts of wild things with the men that she had affairs with. And you will, little by little, prod for more details. How big were they? Did she enjoy it? In the beginning, she won't think much of it and will give you the details. This is going to make your life even worse. What if she rarely gives you oral but gave it to them and more? Now you are going to be comparing yourself to two men you have never even met. It is a special kind of mental hell, retroactive jealousy. I've been there.

 

Trust me, you don't want to go there. The best thing you can do is, like another poster just said, put a lid on it and start diverting your attention to your relationship. Do not ask for more information! This will only poison your thoughts more with imagery.

 

Now, from her end, you shared something with her and she accepts you regardless. She doesn't feel threatened by it. Why, because women don't worry as much about imagery and details as they do the emotional connection.

 

If a woman cheats on a man, the second thing he is going to wonder (after "Why???") is if the other man had a larger penis. Then, if his woman did things with the other man that she withholds from him.

 

If a man cheats, the woman will be crushed, no doubt, but especially if there is an emotional connection. Did her man take his other woman out and do things with her? Did he write her love notes? Did her man take the other woman to a place that was thought special? These are things that will crush the female victim of an affair.

 

So, yes, your girlfriend will have no trouble processing your past indiscretion because there is no emotional connection for her. For you, if you are insecure, it will be a totally different story.

 

Stop while you are ahead, my friend.

[mortensorchid]

She is 22/23. She is still a kid. When you are a kid you think you are supposed to be open and honest about anything and everything. After you have been ripped to shreds and had your self esteem torn to pieces by so called "friends", you learn not to be as much. You have to have a certain element of mystery about you in order to keep a safe distance from others. But I am twice her age and have had more than my fair share of experiences at this point now with people and how they operate. Also, I think we have been talk showed to death to always share everything, be flamboyant and treat our friends like therapists, which we should not do. But I digress...

 

Now that she has shared these things about the past with you, take it for what it is : the past. You are with her now and you should take where you are now in consideration.

[Lotsgoingon]

You ask: why did you tell you?

 

Well, why WOULDN'T she tell you?--when you just told her of your affair. She wants you to know who you're dating ... as opposed to having you just stay with the fiction of her you created (we all create) in our heads.

 

Put it like this ... a person who would hear your story and not disclose their similar story ... is really being evasive and distant and cold and borderline lying. Adults pretty much expect each other to reveal after the other has revealed ... in friendships and romances ... So she's really just following the etiquette of friendship. I disclose a flaw ... if other person has similar flaw, at some point they will disclose ... It's a way of being honest and be supportive.

 

News to you: in a year of dating someone, maybe two years, all past relationships pretty much come out ... all the big vulnerable stuff comes out ... that's called getting to know someone ... that's call trust ... that's what happens. So her info and your info was going to come out at some point.

 

Your distinction between disclosing because your affair could affect the present ... doesn't work ... You disclose because you want this person to know who you are ... and that way, a great partner can help us grow in the way we want to grow. All past relationships potentially affect the present. Just think HPV and the like ... also past relationships of heartbreak totally affect the person in the present. Learning about a person's past relationships is a way to put your own connection to the person in the context of a larger story.

 

Sounds like you got scared by her disclosure ... and I can get that ... and sounds like maybe she didn't put her affairs in the strict moral terms that you used ... So yo were shocked that she didn't talk about morality so much as stupidity. You're shocked that this woman has revealed a bold sexual side.

 

Talk to her about this ... ask her the question. This issue is important to you and should be ...

 

She was right to disclose. That's what a good partner (or good friend) does in response to a disclosure from the other partner.

 

Now, I'll give you a little tip for the future. When you were telling your story, you probably noticed that your gf wasn't reacting with horror and revulsion as you had anticipated ... She was probably silent ... didn't ask you a lot of questions. That quiet and sorta "under-reaction" is often the way people react when they have had a similar experience.

 

So talk to her about this ... great opportunity for you two to really get to know each other.

[elaine567]

When you were telling your story, you probably noticed that your gf wasn't reacting with horror and revulsion as you had anticipated ... She was probably silent ... didn't ask you a lot of questions.

That quiet and sorta "under-reaction" is often the way people react when they have had a similar experience.

 

Too true.

 

OP

She wasn't under-reacting because "women" are cooler about cheating stories - they aren't.

She was under-reacting as it would have been hypocritical for her to point the finger.

If you are going to confess stuff, then it is always going to prompt the other to do the same sooner or later. If you cannot handle the truth then maybe best to just keep schtum about your past sexual exploits.

 

She's only 23, you are no doubt just a filler type relationship for her anyway, one day she will up and fly away, so enjoy it while you can.

[Foxhall]

Yes I would not be dwelling too much on this,

 

you both are only in your 20s,

 

you are going to have a few fun and games after all,

 

relax and enjoy it, plenty of time for worrying later,

 

 

p.s- the white walkers are here, game of thrones will be some cracker tomorrow)

[snowcones]

You're both the same - young, had an affair, history of mental illness.

 

 

You're either going to be patient, give it a chance and see what this thing will turn into, or you're going to run. But if you run, just know that you are no better than her.

[bachdude]

I know you really care about her but I think you need to keep this relationship in perspective. You are almost 30. She is in her early 20s. At this stage in the game the age gap is much larger than if you both were in your 30s or 40s.

 

Young women are fickle. Young men are fickle. And keep in mind, nothing is sacred after a break up...careful what you share.

[kendahke]

you both did the same thing in the past...

 

if it bothers you that much, quit dealing with her. But the past is what it is.

 

Be careful of your expectations.

[TheFinalWord]

Her affairs are the least of your concerns if you are seriously considering this girl as LTR.

 

Let's look at this to determine if this woman is LTR material:

 

1) She's 23.

2) Already a willing participant in two affairs (women lie down about their partners, men lie up; my guess is she's done this more than twice)

3) Has Bi-Polar disorder

4) Drinks on top of the medications she is taking to treat her disorder

5) Not single very long before meeting you

 

So she goes from fling to fling, short term relationship to short term relationship, has no apparent boundaries around those relationships. I doubt she feels anything for them because her ability to pair bond through sex is already diminished.

 

Yeah, I would say this lasts a few months tops.

 

You only open up about things when you have established trust with a person. Emptying your soul to a person you barely know is never a good idea. Especially a person that bears all when they start drinking on top their psychiatric medication. Who knows what she'll share about you when you break up.

Edited April 28, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[elaine567]

As he says they both have personality disorders, I am guessing she has Borderline Personality Disorder and is not Bipolar.