bp123 Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Late last year, this girl who had been working at my company but in an office in another part of the country decided to move to my area, so she was working in my office. In January, I had my first conversation with her and it seemed to go well. We found out we have a shared hobby (hiking) and she even said that we should have coffee sometime. I have almost no experience with women, but I thought that might be a sign of interest. Since I know dating a coworker can be awkward, I took things slow. Over a month later, I finally asked her to lunch (since I'm not really a coffee drinker). She suggested Thai food, so during lunch I asked her if she liked Indian food and she said yes. So I told her about a good Indian restaurant, and she said we should go there the following week. Continuing to take things slow, I didn't ask her to the Indian restaurant until a month later. But she told me that she had decided to move back to the office in her previous city, and she was leaving the next day. The day she left, we said bye and she said she'd visit my office again sometime in the future. I said we should hang out when she does, and she said yeah and said that we should go to the Indian restaurant. I've chatted with her using the company's chat software a few times since she moved away. She's definitely still friendly with me, sharing photos with me of the view from her new apartment and one she took while hiking recently. In our most recent conversation, she mentioned to me she would be back in the office next Monday through Thursday. She didn't have to tell me that, so I guess she really wants to see me? I told her we'll have to go to the Indian restaurant, and she said she's looking forward to it. So I don't know if she thinks of me as a friend, or if she might be interested in more. I'll ask her to lunch at the Indian restaurant next week, and if that goes well, I think I'll ask her to dinner. If I ask her to dinner, she would definitely know I'm interested, right? Also, on multiple occasions, she has called me "dude". Not sure if that's a good sign or not.
damni Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Oh my...how much does a girl have to do? Continuing to take things slow, I didn't ask her to the Indian restaurant until a month later. If I was her, I would have cut you off ages ago. You are playing games. 1
Author bp123 Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 Oh my...how much does a girl have to do? I asked some other people about her asking me to coffee. They said that wasn't necessarily a sign of interest - it was probably her being new to town and just wanting to network with me. Continuing to take things slow, I didn't ask her to the Indian restaurant until a month later. If I was her, I would have cut you off ages ago. You are playing games. If this is playing games, I'm not doing it on purpose. Like I said, trying to pursue a relationship with a coworker can be dicey, and I didn't want to make things awkward in the office. Not to mention that I've never had a girlfriend so this is new territory for me.
smackie9 Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Slow is saying "hey what are you doing for lunch? let's go here, it's just around the corner". That is what you should have done when she was working in the same office. Not wait a bloody month later. Got to get on it quick. And if you think trying to date a coworker dicey then don't bother doing it at all. The best way to meet women to date is through friends, social circle. That would mean inviting coworkers/friends over for a dinner, bbq or a board game night, or whatever. As the invites grow, you will meet their friends and so on at their parties.
madjac74 Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 Slow is saying "hey what are you doing for lunch? let's go here, it's just around the corner". That's slow?! You basically said ..."lets go here...now"
Blind-Sided Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) Ummmm........ OK... yes, dating people you work with can get ugly. But, as coworkers... going to lunch, and getting to know each other is no big deal. (asking out to dinner would be a different story) You could go to lunch every day together, and it doesn't mean a romantic relationship needs to start. When I had a normal "9 to 5" desk job... I was married, everyone I worked with knew that, and they knew I wouldn't cheat on my STBxW. But I was flirty, and I talked to a bunch of the girls in the office. There was a girl in my packaging department that I would hang with. There was the receptionist who I would occasionally take to lunch because she liked to ride on the back of my motorcycle. And there was an analytical chemist who we would go out to lunch, or eat together in the lab, all the time. (FYI, I was the R&D Chemist) There was also a few girls in the sales department, but they were more random when we would go to lunch. So... you really don't have to go slow at all, because it can go any direction you need. But regardless of the outcome... you will get to know that person, and get a real feel for how they feel about you. Don't make it feel strange... just say... "Hey, you free for lunch today? I know of a good xxxx restaurant we could go to." Or.... change that to "Are you fee for lunch one day this week?" As a final FYI... the girl who is the analytical chemist has become a great friend to me, and has been probably the #1 person in helping me cope with the ugliness that has come into my life. (I've known her now for 13 years or so) So, even if "Dating" doesn't work out with her... something else can blossom. Oh... and if nothing else... being friendly, and flirty with the girls in different departments of your company... when you need to get something done... they are more likely to help you out. (so double benefit) Edited April 28, 2019 by Blind-Sided 1
mortensorchid Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 I have said this before, I will say it again. And again and again and again … COWORKERS ARE NOT FRIENDS. It's easy to think that coworkers are friends because you spend more time with them than you will with anyone else. They are not. Human are social creatures and we crave companionship, but we must not seek it with coworkers. Never try to have your need for friendship or your sexual needs met with a coworker, and never drink with a coworker either. You will be happier if you keep your business to yourself and don't share too much about yourself with them, have a network of friends outside of your workplace, and don't share much about them with coworkers either. I say this for your protection. Why? Because coworkers are horrible people no matter what the situation. That being said, with your situation, this woman has moved away, she is not that interested in you beyond being a friend if that. Move on.
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) That's slow?! You basically said ..."lets go here...now" It's not night time, or after work or the weekend....It's just two coworkers hanging out for lunch...Everyone pays for their own lunch. He's not "taking her out". Gives them the opportunity to talk, be friendly, cool, casual. Confidence wins the girl. Hey if yer that insecure about it, invite a few more coworkers and make it as a group thing. Can reword it like :"Hey what are you doing for lunch? I was gonna go to___just around the corner here, want to come?" Edited April 28, 2019 by smackie9
Foxhall Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 yes you have to try and move this forward now, lunch sounds good and follow up with carnival trip/miniature golf , bachdudes post on the other thread take that on board, it can get boring if you are just eating and talking, mix it up and keep it interesting, p.s game of thrones tomorrow- the white walkers are here
Lotsgoingon Posted April 29, 2019 Posted April 29, 2019 You're a friend to her. If she were to learn differently, she would be a surprise. Only a friend would put off following up a meeting with another meeting a month later. Someone interested in dating someone else couldn't wait for a month. (What were you thinking and feeling?) Work on your social anxiety and your fear. It's getting in the way ... Her coming back and saying she wants to meet up does NOT mean she's interested. Go out and let your guard down and see what the energy is like. But most likely you're friends at this point.
Author bp123 Posted April 29, 2019 Author Posted April 29, 2019 You're a friend to her. If she were to learn differently, she would be a surprise. Only a friend would put off following up a meeting with another meeting a month later. Someone interested in dating someone else couldn't wait for a month. (What were you thinking and feeling?) I asked my therapist about this and he said his other patients who have had relationships with coworkers typically got to know their coworker for several months before they started dating. So I thought I had time. I didn't realize she'd move away so soon. My therapist also wasn't sure she was interested. I'm not a good conversationist and I don't like talking to people too frequently because I'll run out of things to talk about. I forgot to mention she is quite a bit younger - she's in her mid 20s and I'm in my early 40s (she might not know that though). yes you have to try and move this forward now, lunch sounds good and follow up with carnival trip/miniature golf , So if I ask her to dinner, she'll definitely know I'm asking her on a date, right? Then she can just say no if she isn't interested. And if she says yes, I can assume she's interested?
Foxhall Posted April 29, 2019 Posted April 29, 2019 ok I am just thinking this over, I re-read your opening post again, Are you part wishing that she will actually say No so as to get it off your chest? anyway leaving that remark aside, I think this lady is a great contact for you no matter what happens, the way I would play it is go for the lunch as you are planning, I would suggest that you meet up for a hike, is she part of a hiking group,that you would join the group some day they are going out, then you could just say "and sure if you fancy going for a bite to eat after the hike" if you ask straight out for dinner, well it might work, but this is very direct and might catch her off guard, I am thinking now that maybe you need to build a little more rapport on a friends basis before you really declare a romantic interest, the dating game is not easy, I think there is value in a certain subtle approach, do not appear too eager either, as this can sometimes put a girl off. in fairness it is not an easy pursuit you are trying- a guy in his 40s trying to land a 20 something, so do not be too disheartened if it does not work out even if she has no interest, she might introduce you to some other friends or possible hiking friends, good luck with this one A great line, an old mate used to say to me when we first started going to bars and so on "you have nothing to lose only your virginity" Not implying you are a virgin or anything, but just enjoy giving it a lash, you have nothing to lose really.
Author bp123 Posted May 1, 2019 Author Posted May 1, 2019 She showed up in the office yesterday and we chatted a bit. She seemed happy to see me and said we would have to get Indian food this week. So today I was using the company's chat software to try to set up when we would go to lunch today. Then she said she decided to invite another guy and hoped I didn't mind. So is that a really bad sign, or is it worth trying to ask her if she's free to do something before she leaves?
smackie9 Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 what do you think the answer is? the age thing changes my perspective all together....yup it's a bad thing.
Marc878 Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 Way too much age difference. I'd disengage and bow out gracefully. Bringing another guy means you got friend zoned
Foxhall Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 sure what the hell, always look on the bright side still go and enjoy it, you will out be in social company, I think you mentioned before about being a little anxious with conversation, so if there is another person there, you might as well go along and enjoy the company, focus on this and do your best to contribute to the conversation and build rapport with your "potential date" sure having this lady even just as a friend, that is worth something anyway?
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