What does it take to show some men you are interested

[Sunnydaysandsome]

I dated a flakey guy who I did actually really like but he was flakey and so it ended. I don't have any regrets that I ended it, I think I gave him my time and energy and he didn't make much effort. I'm proud that I did end it, although I didn't find it easy... as I liked him.

 

It's been 4 months on now and I'm okay, moving on etc.

 

The only thing I sometimes reflect on is the reason he gave when I ended it and explained I couldn't continue because he didn't make the effort I deserve. He said (in a text):

 

'... well you didn't seem very into me'

 

I know this is no excuse if it was true for him being late, one word texts etc. but I did think about me and how I was with him. I do have an issue with his comment because I drove miles to meet him in the city I live him (he lives in the city centre so he had a 10 minute walk, I often had 10 mile drive). I told him I liked spending time with him. I took time out of my busy life to spend time with him. I made effort in my view. The only thing I didn't do was be that physical with him (because he didn't touch me etc. I didn't get the 'vibes' he wanted that).

 

We did have a kiss and I don't think my response was ideal, I think I looked a bit shocked... that was because I was! I think this knocked his already low confidence. It came out of the blue and he hadn't touched me etc. all night so I didn't see it coming. Anyway, I think this guy had low confidence but I am a reserved person and like to think (for the next guy) what I did that can be improved.

 

Even if 'I didn't seem that into him' surely this is still no excuse for flakey behaviour.

[d0nnivain]

This flakey guy . . . you shared one kiss with him? When he broke up he said you didn't seem into him. Let me translate: You didn't sleep with him so he decided you weren't worth the effort since he wasn't getting sex.

 

All the things you did . . . going to him, saying you enjoyed his company . . .those are signs of interest.

 

If you are a reserved person, make the effort to be more approachable. Don't sit with your arms crossed. Make eye contact. Open up your stance & sitting posture to invite a date into your space. I'm not suggesting that you stop being true to yourself, just that you lower some of the barriers.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

I am reserved in that I am not all over people but I am described as 'warm' by my students (I teach) and I am ultra friendly... everyone says so.

 

His comment in my view was out of order.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

I would have done more touching etc. if I got the vibes. We went to a pub (I'm English btw) and I spotted a nice sofa by the fire and he directed us to the table and then he chose not to sit next to me on the sofa but on the chair opposite... things like that. I thought he just wanted to be mates. That was why I was shocked when we had this kiss.

 

Maybe he was just nervous? Can be very hard to read some nervous men.

[d0nnivain]

I think it's more of what I theorized the 1st time. When you weren't an easy ONS he concluded that you weren't interested,

 

If you are generally a warm person go by the majority's assessment not the conclusion of a spurned lazy guy. (By lazy I mean unwilling to put in the effort to romance a woman)

[FMW]

Flakes are flakes, so I wouldn't worry for a moment that your behavior caused that flakiness.

 

Unless it's a repeating pattern, and as long as you feel you were open and receptive with him (sounds like you were), it was just a relationship that wasn't meant to last.

[bachdude]

Basically, our culture has changed a lot. We have an epidemic of passive, no initiative men when it comes to women. They are go getters and confident in their careers but they wait for women to do the initiating or at least give very obvious signs of wanting any type of sexual advance, be it a kiss or whatever. Any indication to the contrary, no matter how small, and they will back off.

 

They feel it's safer that way.

[mortensorchid]

I think that's what has happened, I was saying to a friend a few weeks ago. It seems that all the men are passive and weak. We had this whole "I am woman hear me roar" in the 80s and women became more aggressive thanks to it. Is that a good thing? Well, not really, it upset the balance of tradition and power we had for thousands of years. Half of the women I have known (single, married, living together, divorced and everything in between) are the breadwinners of their households. Men have taken a backseat. And they are sitting their simmering and not liking that they are second in command. It seems like there are no "nice guys" anymore. And that's not a rant or contradiction on how nice guys finish last, it's that they are passive and that doesn't make them happy. They could do something about it, but, they choose not to.

 

As for your specific situation, if you described him as a flake then, he's a flake. He would do something about it if he wanted to, and if he wanted to he would pursue things. But, he doesn't so... That's that.

[bachdude]

And I think women need to keep this in mind...here is the definition of consent where I work,

 

"Consent means a voluntary and affirmative mutually understandable communication of willingness to participate in particular sexual activity or behavior, expressed either by words or clear, unambiguous action.

 

Those of us out in the professional world or a academia have had this pounded into our brains by HR - we need either verbal consent or clear, unambiguous behavior. And not only that, some go further and apply this to asking women out for dates and now, some are even saying the consent at the beginning does not mean continued validity through the sexual encounter. You need to check in for continued consent.

 

So just keep that in the back of your minds females of LS. The more successful your object of desire is career wise the more likely he has been trained to relate to women in this fashion.

 

You've got to make it obvious today - unambiguous, in fact.

[stillafool]

That comment was just an excuse to take the heat off him for flaking. Even if you had sex with him he would have still flaked on you. Just be glad you didn't have sex with him so it should be easier to move on.

[stillafool]

And I think women need to keep this in mind...here is the definition of consent where I work,

 

"Consent means a voluntary and affirmative mutually understandable communication of willingness to participate in particular sexual activity or behavior, expressed either by words or clear, unambiguous action.

 

Those of us out in the professional world or a academia have had this pounded into our brains by HR - we need either verbal consent or clear, unambiguous behavior. And not only that, some go further and apply this to asking women out for dates and now, some are even saying the consent at the beginning does not mean continued validity through the sexual encounter. You need to check in for continued consent.

 

So just keep that in the back of your minds females of LS. The more successful your object of desire is career wise the more likely he has been trained to relate to women in this fashion.

 

You've got to make it obvious today - unambiguous, in fact.

 

Thanks for posting this because this is exactly what has happened and not only in the corporate world. Over half of the men out there are afraid to pursue women in the old traditional way for fear that they will lose their jobs and everything they have. Men have been forced to ignore their drive in the way they pursued women. Now women are labeling them as weak and that's not fair. I don't know what the answer is but I don't see this turning back to the way it was. It seems you can't have one thing without losing the other.

It's going to be frustrating for many who are wanting a relationship for sure.

[bachdude]

Thanks for posting this because this is exactly what has happened and not only in the corporate world. Over half of the men out there are afraid to pursue women in the old traditional way for fear that they will lose their jobs and everything they have. Men have been forced to ignore their drive in the way they pursued women. Now women are labeling them as weak and that's not fair. I don't know what the answer is but I don't see this turning back to the way it was. It seems you can't have one thing without losing the other.

It's going to be frustrating for many who are wanting a relationship for sure.

 

Thanks, stillafool. You're right, it's everywhere. I just remembered that by buddy, who works in maintenance, told me his HR has essentially the same definition of consent.

 

OP, guys today are looking for more obvious signs than in the past. You have to either say it or in body language make it really clear. It's becoming more of a two way street when it comes to initiating, like it or not.

 

The times they are a-changin'.

[OpenBook]

It's not just men who have to be careful. I work in a tech environment that's about 90% men, and I deliberately wear dull, unobtrusive clothes so I don't send the wrong message. Even then, if I so much as smile at a guy across the conference room, he thinks I'm coming onto him. (Not all guys of course, but some of them... enough to where I have to be careful who I even LOOK at, and control the expression on my own face, my own body language, etc.)

 

When I genuinely like someone - whether they're male or female, cats, dogs, kids, whatever - I show it. My personality is livelier, I smile a lot more, I'm more engaged "in the moment" with them. Some guys take that to mean "clear and unambiguous consent" (to have sex with them) - when it's nothing of the kind.

 

That's the problem with that HR definition someone posted above - both to avoid getting sued in the workplace, and in the mating game when you're trying to gauge the opposite sex's interest. Who gets to determine the definition of "clear"? "unambiguous"? even "actions"?

[Woggle]

Tell him you are interested. Direct and to the point works with most men.

[mortensorchid]

Just remember that a man who is interested in you will let you know he is interested and he will not let anyone or anything get in his way to show that. It's a hard fact to accept but... It's what it is. Remember the 48 Hour Rule: if you have not heard from him within 48 hours after the first meeting, you will never hear from him again 90% of the time. The other 10% might call you a few days later, you might even have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to it. As for texting? The same can apply to texting but texting has muddied our communication. He may text you with a thank you for the get together I had a good time, and you may respond with a thank you I did as well, but if he does not ask to see you again through the text then he's not interested in you.

 

Don't sweat it over this guy. He would have disappointed you in other ways.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'll go simple: you guys simply didn't have chemistry. Forget the big picture of men and women and all of that ... if two people have romantic energy, they have to find a way to get their hands on each other, to communicate interest to each other.

 

Every time I've found myself thinking of touching a woman ... or holding a woman's hand ... things have usually fizzled. If I am interested in someone and they are interested in me, somehow, without much calculation, we find a way to touch each other.

 

Sounds like you're wondering if there was more you could have done to ignite things ... Well, when you entered the pub and he sat across from you instead of next to you, yes, you could have said, "come and sit next to me." Sometimes one partner is slow ... but in a relationship with any real legs ... the other partner will fill in ... until the other partner gets energized. But your effort could have just as easily fizzled if he didn't come to sit next to you or he sit next to you and still maintained distance.

 

You mention driving to see him and the mileage and all of that ... Just a thought: mileage and effort doesn't equal interest. There are two levels of interest: effort, intention and all of that ... and then the in-moment-level of interest signaled by excitement, smiles, touch and so on. I assume when he said you weren't interested, he was speaking of the second level.

 

Seems to me neither of you had the second level of interest, which is the important one for igniting things. You were both interested in being interested ... which is not the same thing as being really into someone.

 

Keep dating ... and pay more attention to the energy when you are with the person. The right person makes it easy to show interest.

[Woggle]

Thanks for posting this because this is exactly what has happened and not only in the corporate world. Over half of the men out there are afraid to pursue women in the old traditional way for fear that they will lose their jobs and everything they have. Men have been forced to ignore their drive in the way they pursued women. Now women are labeling them as weak and that's not fair. I don't know what the answer is but I don't see this turning back to the way it was. It seems you can't have one thing without losing the other.

It's going to be frustrating for many who are wanting a relationship for sure.

 

It will turn back when women realize that they really aren't attracted to the self flagellating, weak and ever apologizing man. Even hardcore feminists who demand that men check their privilege and work to undo their toxic masculinity aren't really attracted to these men. When women on a large scale are honest with themselves about that and let it be known then maybe things can change. When we realize that we don't have to weaken men to strengthen women then we won't demand that men castrate themselves.

[JuneL]

It will turn back when women realize that they really aren't attracted to the self flagellating, weak and ever apologizing man. Even hardcore feminists who demand that men check their privilege and work to undo their toxic masculinity aren't really attracted to these men. When women on a large scale are honest with themselves about that and let it be known then maybe things can change. When we realize that we don't have to weaken men to strengthen women then we won't demand that men castrate themselves.

 

But this can be good for some women, namely those who only have interest in men who can read subtle signals and body language and who would go after what he wants — appropriately. Even before this #metoo thing, there were plenty of guys who would beat around the bush.

[Sunnydaysandsome]

Great comments, thanks everyone!

[preraph]

He's the one who dropped the ball. Maybe he hasn't dated much in real life and was expecting you to deliver a pizza and give him a bj.

[Shining One]

What does it take to show some men you are interested

There are many factors that can affect this. Sometimes a welcoming smile and "open to approach" body language is enough for a woman to show interest in me. In another case, a woman I had known for years had to literally hit me with her bra to express her interest. Most cases (for me) are somewhere in between these two.

[Curiousroxy86]

Dont be swayed by men who gas light

 

Your reaction to what he said is exactly what he wanted when he said it. To basically get you to second guess your decision.

[basil67]

You've got to make it obvious today - unambiguous, in fact.

 

Of course. Even 35 years ago I would make it obvious if I was attracted. Lack of encouragement on my part meant 'don't even try'.

[Woggle]

If a woman likes a guy what is so wrong with her going up to him and letting it be known?

[basil67]

His comment in my view was out of order.

 

No, it wasn't out of order. It was likely his view.

 

This is one of the risks of being honest when you break up with someone - they will likely not agree with your view and tell you exactly how they feel in response.