Author Anychance Posted April 28, 2019 Author Posted April 28, 2019 You've got to learn when to cut your losses and take no for an answer and move on. Let's assume what you think is your best-case scenario happened and in a couple months after she gets tired of banging this guy, she comes back to you. Don't you think that ship has already sailed? You will never be able to feel the same knowing she 1) doesn't feel as much for you as you do for her; 2) that she's looking for your replacement and that's not going to change because she's not happy; and 3) she's been with another guy which is going to cause you a lot of resentment. So think through how this could possibly end at a point where you would be happy. You'd never be able to trust her again because you know she's not satisfied staying with you and is always going to be looking to move on. Yes you make sense. The best thing I can do is move on and forget about her. At least I can look back at the good times and tell myself at least I tried. Nothing else I could of done. 2
Twizzlestick Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) Yes you make sense. The best thing I can do is move on and forget about her. At least I can look back at the good times and tell myself at least I tried. Nothing else I could of done. I’ve trodden the path your on very recently. I feel exactly where you are. Right after you go NC is not the time you want to be thinking of all the good times .fight against the urge to sit ruminating on those damn memories and all that guff. Plenty of time for that when you no longer care so much. No sad songs, no romantic anything. I blanket banned myself from anything triggering I could. Obviously I couldn’t get it all, no where near. But for example I refused to listen to any song with a slightly emotional chord. For me it was loud rock songs all’s the way It’s impossible advice to follow wholly in some regard as a mind in loss will do its own thing, but you have to challenge it and not let the mind sit in the pit. You challenging it is actually, the part of the mind getting you to do the challenging, fighting itself to progress through the stages. Sounds complex but in a nutshell don’t allow yourself to meander through the pain. We control our thoughts, they don’t control us. I was told that by a psychologist and it helped. One thing that will get you off the starting blocks in the early weeks of NC is a bit of anger. Don’t go mad, but think of some things you felt wronged about, how you were discarded. You didn’t deserve all of that! What an utter mare putting you through the pain! I bet she did stuff wrong too? I bet you any money. I do not doubt she was a nice person in the rele, but she was no saint, the same as you aren’t. Just human with faults. And blimey you’re suffering now at her hands whilst she couldn’t care less about your pain? No way are you going to sit in agony for such a low value person that doesn’t care for your welfare anymore. That’s an example. There’s more like it on the magnet of success blog. These little angry moments jump start your flatlined self esteem and give little bursts of fuel to keep you going. It’s effectiveness doesn’t last very long ao you have to keep revisiting these thoughts. I walked around the flat recording my annoyance into my iPhone to playback later when I was feeling low ha ha. For God’s sake don’t bust NC to type angry tirades during one of these empowered moments. Anger is actually a step in the grief process anyway. It’s healthy but you certainly don’t want to linger on it, but a little annoyance is good. It’s all part of getting your self value back up from the sea bed. I still have periods where I feel just like you, then other periods where I’m “ok”. Other periods where I think “xxxx her” and feel on top of the world like after going to the gym. You certainly don’t stay where you’re at. The trick is forcing yourself to focus on you, and when you do focus on her try and steer the thoughts away from empathy, sympathy and feeling remorse and “woe is the little girl lost” to more balanced appraisal or annoyance. The annoyance and feelings of outright anger die away once your self esteem gets going again and you become actually more balanced about what happened. And I can assure you, you’re far from balanced now with all this guilt shouldering you’re doing. I was dumped in Dec after 11 years loving rele so you’re not alone on here. Edited April 28, 2019 by Twizzlestick
TheFinalWord Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) A bit of an update. I have now found out she is 'seeing' someone else. And to top it off, it is with a guy she was in school with. This guy is the son of our family friends. I grew up with him. We were friends growing up and I still see him and his parents every now and again. My mother is best friends with his mother! And to top that he also has a girlfriend! I'm actually devastated! It would be bad enough founding out she is with someone else let alone this Ok thanks, yes she's just said 'I dont know' And then 'I can't give you answer at this time' That was the last I heard from her. She liked one of my pictures after it but she has deliberately ignored and not opened my message since. I was going to say, responses like "I don't know right now" "I need time to think" "I'm not ready right now"... 99% of the time there is another guy in the picture and she wants to put you on the back burner while she explores her other options. You said you tried everything to prevent a break up. You tried your best, and it wasn't enough for her. Whatever love you had, she wasn't feeling the same. And here's the hard part to accept: there's literally nothing you can do to fix it. You can't negotiate desire. She was in a stable, comfortable relationship with you and for whatever reason this other guy triggered desire in her. She thinks to herself "i shouldn't feel this way, I have a boyfriend" and slowly over time those emotions take over. She spends less time with you to avoid having to deal with contradictory thoughts. As she removes herself from your life, it becomes easier for her to detach and enter the frame of this other guy. This is why we are saying to get off social media and don't ask about her. She literally needs to be dead to you. All that is going to happen from stalking her social media is for you to see pictures of her great life without you and pics of the new man in her life. What good is that going to do you? This woman is unfaithful (likely talking to this guy while you were together, which is why was distancing herself from you), fickle, when tough times come in a relationship, she doesn't try to work on it, but instead hops to another guy. That tells me she is not girlfriend/relationship material. Were there any red flags that you noticed during the relationship? Edited April 28, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1
preraph Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 Yes you make sense. The best thing I can do is move on and forget about her. At least I can look back at the good times and tell myself at least I tried. Nothing else I could of done. Yes, it's not like it wasn't real. It just didn't last forever. I learned that the love you feel is within you. It's not something belonging to the person you love. It came from within you and you give it to someone, and the good news is you get to take it with you when you go and it will be there when you're ready to love again. 2
Author Anychance Posted April 29, 2019 Author Posted April 29, 2019 Thanks all for the replies. I spoke to someone today who said they could see in her body language towards me at the end had changed. I guess I was too wrapped up in things to notice fully. Whatever she did now is none of my business, as much as it hurts I am staying away for good. Good luck to her and I wish her well. Everyone's advice makes a lot of sense. Doemtimes you get wrapped up in your own head it's difficult to separate denial, hopefulness, and reality from eachother. I'm on my path now to accepting she's gone. 1
preraph Posted April 29, 2019 Posted April 29, 2019 It's always hard to give up hope, but now you just need to change what you're hoping for, which is to meet someone else. Good luck.
TheFinalWord Posted April 29, 2019 Posted April 29, 2019 I'm on my path now to accepting she's gone. Good job. You've turned a corner. Difficult I know. But you're on the path to healing. I think she made a mistake because you seem like a good man. You can do better. 1
Author Anychance Posted April 29, 2019 Author Posted April 29, 2019 Good job. You've turned a corner. Difficult I know. But you're on the path to healing. I think she made a mistake because you seem like a good man. You can do better. Thanks man. I truly did try with her, I gave it my all...probably too much, i made her my everything, I cared for her like nothing else. She will always have a place in my heart, no doubt about that but I accept she doesn't feel the same. I told her I really do wish her all the happiness in the world, that won't be with me unfortunately but at least the memories I have I can keep and move to create new ones with another special person. I still find it a bit rude that after all this time we were together she can blatantly ignore me. But that's life I guess. 1
preraph Posted April 29, 2019 Posted April 29, 2019 She's likely trying to make it easier for you to move on. Staying in touch just keeps someone hanging on. So she may be doing you that favor.
Author Anychance Posted April 29, 2019 Author Posted April 29, 2019 She's likely trying to make it easier for you to move on. Staying in touch just keeps someone hanging on. So she may be doing you that favor. That is true.
TheFinalWord Posted April 29, 2019 Posted April 29, 2019 (edited) True colors bro. She left you, and when times were tough, instead of working through it, she gave up. Now she's with someone that has a GF, which means she's a cheater. She's not the person you though she was. That person never existed. That person is dead. She doesn't want to talk to you because it will bring up all those emotions. If she moved right from you to someone else (and it sounds like she's cheating with that guy since he has a GF), she probably hasn't done the work to heal, learn, and grow. It's easier to avoid emotions than face them and deal with them. The problem with not dealing with them is the person will just keep repeating the same mistakes. Plus if she gives you some communication she thinks you'll try to talk you into trying again and trying to fix things. So, she won't even give a smidge of hope. It's painful man, I've been there. What turned the corner for me was doing the work to learn what I could from the relationship, and then literally considered her dead to me. If I found myself thinking about her, I stopped myself, and said "stop" and made myself think about something else. I didn't look at any social media, I deleted all pics, never asked about her to anyone. Eventually your brain will detach and you'll recover. Just takes time... Edited April 29, 2019 by TheFinalWord
Author Anychance Posted April 30, 2019 Author Posted April 30, 2019 (edited) True colors bro. She left you, and when times were tough, instead of working through it, she gave up. Now she's with someone that has a GF, which means she's a cheater. She's not the person you though she was. That person never existed. That person is dead..... Yep, she didn't really seem interested in trying to mkae things work. Not as much as me anyway. I think deep down the sparks had gone and she just couldn't make herself want me anymore. I think if she really liked me she would of tried, like me, to save things. She was just unhappy. You live and learn. One good thing to take from all of this is I have learnt a lot more about relationship dynamics, how to spot when things aren't right and how to deal with my emotions (or try) Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Anychance Posted June 11, 2019 Author Posted June 11, 2019 My ex is back messaging me after a few months. We broke up and afterwards I asked her to try again and sort things. She told me no in her own way.. I told her I still love her and care for her and after that she ignored me, deliberately not reading my message for two months. I made NO attempts to contact her after this. I left her alone and just got on with my life, day by day. A week or so ago, I drove past her, she saw me and I waved by she diverted her look and totally blanked me. I then saw her again but she avoided me. I was obviously a bit gutted but I accepted for whatever reason she didn't want to say hi. I left it at that. The next day I received a text from her, after two months of nothing, saying she did see me but couldn't say hi because I wasn't facing her........... Since then she has been texting me, at first it was very closed off but she seems to at least be making convo. I asked to meet for coffee. She said 'aww thanks' I've taken that as no, I won't ask now. She's started asking a few questions, sending me pics, and links and sometimes replies instantly, then all of a sudden ignore me for hours. I also found out she is talking to anither guy, she doesn't know I know but it's really flipped my mood. It's like th break up all over again. I'm struggling to understand why she is still messaging me if she is talking to the this other guy. This other guy also seems to be adding girls on a daily bases to his followers. Would you be concerned about this? I know it's none of my business but I still love her and genuinely don't want her to get messed about. I really don't know how to go on from here, or what she is doing/ thinking. I'm struggling at the moment with a new guy in the scene, I know I have to accept but I'm finding it difficult . Any help would be appreciated.
Orokotikki Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Hey maybe you got bumped up from plan c to plan b? Seriously dude, move on. Chances are she just wants to message you a bit for her own ego boost, or to keep plan A a little jealous by showing off (accidentally, of course) that she has options and her should treat her extra fine bc she is hot ****. You can find someone else who truly values you. And you deserve that.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Most likely she thinks that enough time has passed that you can now be "just friends." Since that is probably not what you want go back to avoiding her. 1
Author Anychance Posted June 11, 2019 Author Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) ....You can find someone else who truly values you. And you deserve that. Yeah , it actually makes me really angry the way she treated me. Everyone has said I was too nice to her. I guess that's a mistake I made, i fell for he Bradly and she just brushed me off like I'm a piece of dirt and on to the next one. I'd of thought she'd have some decency and at least say something, but maybe she wants me dangling there. I really like her but she's shown her true colours, this guy seems a right brute. I don't want her getting hurt but it's not my problem anymore I guess Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Anychance Posted June 11, 2019 Author Posted June 11, 2019 Most likely she thinks that enough time has passed that you can now be "just friends." Since that is probably not what you want go back to avoiding her. I can't be friends with her. Thought I could but I cant
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Then don't try to be friends with her if you can't do it. You are not obligated to subject yourself to emotional torture. Be polite if you happen to bump into her in public (tight smile, curt nod & no more then 5 minutes of chit chat about nothing) but otherwise don't bother about her.
Author Anychance Posted June 11, 2019 Author Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) Ok. I'm gonna kill the messaging now. She replies instant when I think she's bored then when this guy comes back she blatantly ignores.....pretty rude I think. I wouldn't do it to her anyway Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted June 12, 2019 Posted June 12, 2019 How did she tell you about the other guy? Did she say she was trying to get to know him on a romantic level?
Author Anychance Posted June 12, 2019 Author Posted June 12, 2019 (edited) A mutual friend told me, and said they are talking none stop. She hasn't told me and i haven't mentioned it to her but have dropped a couple of hints. She will reply instantly to me sometimes then deliberately ignore me for hours while being online then come back talking....I'm guessing when she's bored and new guy hasn't replied. I'm concentrating my efforts on other things now, because as much as it's nice to talk to her, it is just pleasantries. I history think she wants nithing to do with me. My heart is broken and I need to fix it. Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Anychance Posted June 13, 2019 Author Posted June 13, 2019 She has deliberately ignored my message now, like she did two months ago. Posting jokey and upbeat on social media. Yesterday my emotions got the best of me and I liked a few emotional 'quotes' and put a status about how I was feeling rubbish and noting ever goes right. I regret it now and I have since deleted it. I dint know if she saw it or not but it's possible. Feel stupid now.
d0nnivain Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 There won't be reasons to feel stupid if you just disconnect on social media. All you are doing at this point is picking at the scab that is trying to form over your broken heart. 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted June 13, 2019 Posted June 13, 2019 She has deliberately ignored my message now, like she did two months ago. Posting jokey and upbeat on social media. Yesterday my emotions got the best of me and I liked a few emotional 'quotes' and put a status about how I was feeling rubbish and noting ever goes right. I regret it now and I have since deleted it. I dint know if she saw it or not but it's possible. Feel stupid now. Have you considered taking a break from Social Media for a month or two? 2
Author Anychance Posted June 13, 2019 Author Posted June 13, 2019 Have you considered taking a break from Social Media for a month or two? I would love to however I need it for my work. I think I am just struggling to accept that she doesn't want me. That someone else is chatting/ seeing her. I told he really just a few days ago I want her to be happy. And I genuinely do, I'm just finding it difficult to move on.
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