TonysTemptress Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I have known Tony for 10 years, and had a crush on him for at least that long. 8 years ago I married Dave, basically because he was willing, and I was 30 and starting to feel like I needed to be married. Several months ago, Tony and I found ourselves alone together with our spouses out of town. Sparks flew, and we decided to have a fling. That fling turned to love rather quickly. We are both now getting divorced. He is on my new lease - I am moving into an apartment with him on October 1st. We go to therapy together every 2 weeks to make sure we do this right. Dave is coping well. I am still living in the house with him until I move, and he is very civil to me. Michelle (Tony's wife) hates the very ground I walk on. She is not a very strong person, and her reaction to this is to pick Tony to bits for his choice. She is also using their daughter as a shield. I see many people here who have not yet "won" their partner from the spouses. How do you deal with it? Even though October 1 is just over a week away, I find myself biting my nails that she is somehow going to pull something that keeps Tony and me from being together. How do you guys deal? TT
CarmenIbanez Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Please believe me that this is coming from a very non-judgmental place. I am genuinely curious how you will ever be able to trust a man that has cheated on his wife? Or for that matter, trust yourself? I ask not as an attack, but as someone who has flirted with the idea of what you are doing. I always think that if I did it, with the person that I am thinking of, how would either of us ever be able to trust each other, knowing what we did?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Even though October 1 is just over a week away, I find myself biting my nails that she is somehow going to pull something that keeps Tony and me from being together. Have you brought this up in one of your counseling sessions? It is almost guaranteed to happen, and you two are going to need to prepare yourselves. Perhaps your counselor can lay out some scenarios and strategies. You will also want to give yourselves time after your divorce to just be single again (even though you will be living together) and give yourselves LOTS of time to really get to know each other as a regular couple and not just affair partners. Sometimes that transition can be difficult as the parameters of your relationship change. There could be lots of things that the two of you were more than willing to overlook about each other because of that frantic 'need' for each other that defines pretty much every affair. Don't mistake what you had in the affair for a good basis for marriage. You won't know that about each other for a while yet as you get used to having a different sort of relationship. I cannot stress how important it is that you do not rush into marriage. You have only had a 'several month' affair, which prompted divorces for you both, and have yet to actually be together as an actual couple. Give yourselves a lot of 'actual couple' time to really get to know each other. Of course you already 'know' each other, but I'm talking about getting to know each other as people and not just in the parameters of 'partners'.
Author TonysTemptress Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Please believe me that this is coming from a very non-judgmental place. I am genuinely curious how you will ever be able to trust a man that has cheated on his wife? Or for that matter, trust yourself? I ask not as an attack, but as someone who has flirted with the idea of what you are doing. I always think that if I did it, with the person that I am thinking of, how would either of us ever be able to trust each other, knowing what we did? It sounds stupid, but I trust in the love. I trust that I am the only one he would have done this for, and I know that he is the only one I would have done this for. I have done many things in my life I have had to live with, but this is by far the biggest. It's a risk, yes, but one I am willing to take. He has been by my side in daily contact with me throughout this whole ordeal, and we stand together. I know I'm gambling, but it's worth it to me to be with him. PS - thanks for being non-judgmental.
Author TonysTemptress Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Have you brought this up in one of your counseling sessions? It is almost guaranteed to happen, and you two are going to need to prepare yourselves. Perhaps your counselor can lay out some scenarios and strategies. Yes, we have - and we have gotten some good feedback. We're taking this very seriously. You will also want to give yourselves time after your divorce to just be single again (even though you will be living together) and give yourselves LOTS of time to really get to know each other as a regular couple and not just affair partners. Sometimes that transition can be difficult as the parameters of your relationship change. There could be lots of things that the two of you were more than willing to overlook about each other because of that frantic 'need' for each other that defines pretty much every affair. Don't mistake what you had in the affair for a good basis for marriage. You won't know that about each other for a while yet as you get used to having a different sort of relationship. Points well taken. The best thing we have going for us is 10 years of solid, attentive friendship which has transformed into what it is today. I think it's a good foundation. I cannot stress how important it is that you do not rush into marriage. You have only had a 'several month' affair, which prompted divorces for you both, and have yet to actually be together as an actual couple. Give yourselves a lot of 'actual couple' time to really get to know each other. Of course you already 'know' each other, but I'm talking about getting to know each other as people and not just in the parameters of 'partners'. I like this idea, though he is already planning his vows and such. But for me, it will be a few years at least, and I am NOT doing the white dress thing again. Thanks for your input - it's great.
lynnered Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 TonysTemptress, It sounds to me like U guys are doing this the right way, and the fact that you ar going to therapy is really smart, i hope it works out 4U and i wish U 2 the best:)
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 The thing is, he has a child with this woman...He obviously loved her enough at that time to get married and have a baby with his wife. That is my concern for you...YOU may have found the love of your life, because it seems you married and settled with the wrong person at 30. So then this guy comes along and you realized that getting married was a mistake. Wish you the best though. Hope this man is worth it and doesn't break your heart.
starreyes Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 TT: I wish you the best of luck. I have read many things on this forum also, and hopefully you are the exception to the MM, not the rule. Most women don't get their MM, or things change for one reason or another, or some MM simply cannot and will not leave. It sounds like you two are taking things seriously (with the counseling) and I hope things go your way. Just remember, it will be different when you're actually with him 24/7. The affair is always so exciting, but things will calm down when you're actually spending a lot of time with him. It will take some work, but if he's worth it and you both want to be together, it will work out. Keep posting TT - let us know what happens.
Author TonysTemptress Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 MY husband, who I only have to live with one week more, went to New Jersey to see his family and take our daughter, so I have been alone. I have the best friends in the world - we had a "packing party" with all the stuff for the new place. Tony told his daughter tonight that he's leaving, but he didn't say why. I've been trying to get in touvh with him tonight (through everything short of calling his house) and he has not called me back. I can only imagine what's going on over there between him and Michelle, and the possibilities make my skin crawl. He did call me today with many "I love you's" and telling me it will all be okay - that the worst part will be behind us soon. I just took a Xanax and amy trying to cope - I think it's that I'm in this house all by myself surrounded by my life in boxes - things like what the hell do I do with the wedding pictures? Do I put them in a box for my daughter? I took the two rings Dave gave me and gave them to my mother to hold on for when my daughter is old enough. It's just tough - I hate being by myself when I am edgy. I just have to trust, trust, trust - say a prayer for me - I feel like crap today that he hasn't called tonight. There must be some big goings on.
lynnered Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Love is everything it's cracked up to be… It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. Erica Jong GOODLUCK!! (im a quote addict:D )
Author TonysTemptress Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Well, it turns out my neuroses were unfounded and he was in bed by 10pm and didn't hear his phone. My phone rang at 7am with piles of "I'm sorry's" and "I know how tough this is for you - thank you for hanging in there - I promise it will be worth it..." and the like. God, this is such a roller coaster. I'll be glad when the two of us can just sit down like normal people, watch CSI, and veg on the couch. This crap is for the young and energetic!
Author TonysTemptress Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 ...the more I realize how lucky I am and also how much of an exception Tony and I are. We're completely in love. We move into "our place" on Saturday. We're both very excited. My family is coping with it nicely. Even my STBX is being accomodating and civil. Tony's daughter has been told he is leaving, but not the reason. The Child Psychologist said it should be a couple of months until I am introduced to the situation - particularly since she knows me as Dave's W and Carol's mama. His STBX is a total train wreck. She walks around cursing me and such. I don't know quite what to feel about that - it is what it is, and whatever it is, it's STRONG STUFF. We went for a walk last night. Just nowhere - through the streets of our city, hand in hand, and just talked about... well, nothing. It was glorious. I feel like I'm gloating, but I really am on a cloud. Wondering who's going to be the first to burst my bubble here at LoveShack.
lynnered Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 i am happy for U! i dont think anybody wants to " burst Ur bubble " ,i dont think the moral police are posting here,we get some of that here sometimes:rolleyes: this forum is to help,offer opinions,people do warn of what could happen just to caution U, my situation differnt from Urs did not end up good, so yes i have hope for others ,but at the same time dont be blinded by love . U guys are both fresh out of relationships,& its good U had friendship 1st ,and therapy is the best. U just need to take Ur time & be careful.
Author TonysTemptress Posted October 10, 2005 Author Posted October 10, 2005 I am guessing I am the exception to the rule. Tony moved from his wife and daughter, quarter of a million dollar home, and everything he knew into a 1 bedroom apartment to be with me. The divorce papers have been filed, and we're ready to move forward with the rest of our lives. His wife is devastated. His daughter is a bit fragile. His parents are totally pissed off. My situation is much better. My STB ex-husband has a GF. We're totally civil and nice to each other. I see my daughter all the time. It CAN happen. It was lots of BS in getting here, but both of us are the happiest we've ever been in our lives.
foolinlove Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Tony, Great to hear that things worked out for you....you said you two were moving in together? or he moved out? Great idea to start off with counseling...the relationship is under alot of stress right off the bat, it is prolly good idea to have some insight to your situation. I hope as time passes his family will learn to accept his decision and welcome you into their life. Best of Luck
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I am guessing I am the exception to the rule. Tony moved from his wife and daughter, quarter of a million dollar home, and everything he knew into a 1 bedroom apartment to be with me. The divorce papers have been filed, and we're ready to move forward with the rest of our lives. His wife is devastated. His daughter is a bit fragile. His parents are totally pissed off. My situation is much better. My STB ex-husband has a GF. We're totally civil and nice to each other. I see my daughter all the time. It CAN happen. It was lots of BS in getting here, but both of us are the happiest we've ever been in our lives. My only advice is let him deal with things his own way. Have sympathy for his exwife and ofcourse his daughter. Their life got turned upside down and will take a long time to settle down. Allow him time alone with his daughter, don't get jealous. I'm not saying you will get jealous, but his daughter has to be very important to him right now. And don't try to be friends with his folks. Him leaving his wife and daughter for you has affected them big time. Good luck and I hope all goes well.
heyitsmichele Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Hi, I'm happy for you. There is nothing better in life than being completely in love. I wish you guys the best!
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