Girlfriend seems reluctant to move to a deeper level in the relationship.

[JuneL]

I think it's sexual assault. I was with her last night and she opened up a little more.

 

I've never met anyone where a past relationship had affected her so much.

 

After last night, I realized that something very bad happened to her.

 

In that case, she’s not ready for a relationship. Is she seeing a therapist?

[AGoodFriend]

In that case, she’s not ready for a relationship. Is she seeing a therapist?

 

She did mention about a month ago seeing a therapist in the past. She didn't say why. But it's all coming together now.

 

Time for another thread name change.

Edited April 29, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[Mrin]

I think it's sexual assault. I was with her last night and she opened up a little more.

 

I've never met anyone where a past relationship had affected her so much.

 

After last night, I realized that something very bad happened to her.

 

Oh that sucks. I was hoping I was wrong. What do you want to do?

[AGoodFriend]

Oh that sucks. I was hoping I was wrong. What do you want to do?

 

I'm going to stand by her, either as a friend or boyfriend.

 

Last night was surreal. I was getting ready to take her home after a day of nature-seeing. She said she wanted to get something to eat. Cool. The place was actually closed after we got our food so we got booted out. At this point, she said let's go eat this at your place. I was hesitant because I know what happens when we are alone. Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to it!

 

After eating, she comes on strong. We made out, got everything off. No, no, no.

 

This time, I stopped in my tracks. I wasn't going to go all crazy like 2 weeks ago. I put her clothes back on, gently, piece by piece. She then told me that she was sorry that she couldn't do it. She looked away and I saw that she was fighting back tears.

 

I told her that everything was ok. Let's just lay here and hold each other. I told her that she was safe. I held her tight and made no more moves.

 

So while we are laying there cuddling, she starts up again, grinding against me. That's when I realized that something very bad has happened to her. Why start grinding with someone later after you two were already naked and he was "at the gates" so to speak. (Sorry, I was a history major!)

 

I told her to just relax and hold me, which she did. She said she felt very good and very comfortable.

 

As I took her home, I told her that I would never do anything to hurt her, and that she doesn't have to do anything with anyone until she is ready.

 

At that point, in so many words, she verbalized that she loves me.

 

So at this point, I know for sure it's nothing against me personally and that she is not ready for sex yet.

 

What I did realize Mrin, is that I seem to attract abused women. First wife was promiscuous due to abuse. Two ladies I dated in the past were domestic violence survivors. My second ex-wife was very similar to my current girlfriend. She had some tremendous reservations but she told me she had been sexually assaulted.

 

So now I know that something in my personality attracts women like this. I was physically abused as a child so that may have something to do with it.

 

Anyway, I'm going to see Endgame today, BY MYSELF! I need to figure myself out as well.

 

Sorry for the book Mrin, but thanks for all your support and lending me an ear.

 

Also I hope that my experience can help others in a similar situation.

Edited April 29, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[Logo]

It looks like she’s been through a lot. That has got to be tough. It explains why she pulled away once you started reciprocating. It might have been a defense mechanism.

[AGoodFriend]

It looks like she’s been through a lot. That has got to be tough. It explains why she pulled away once you started reciprocating. It might have been a defense mechanism.

 

Yes. It all makes sense now. And the constant references to being so sweet and nice.

Edited April 29, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[Highndry]

I'm starting to think that this goes well beyond "something bad" happening to her. Have you ever read up on BPD? Red flags....

[AGoodFriend]

I'm starting to think that this goes well beyond "something bad" happening to her. Have you ever read up on BPD? Red flags....

 

What makes you think BPD? I am curious.

[JuneL]

“This time, I stopped in my tracks. I wasn't going to go all crazy like 2 weeks ago.”

 

What did you mean by “go all crazy”?

 

Did she say explicitly tell you she had been sexually assaulted in her last fwb or relationship?

 

Don’t you think she’s old enough to know it’s quite mean to act like a tease?

[AGoodFriend]

“This time, I stopped in my tracks. I wasn't going to go all crazy like 2 weeks ago.”

 

What did you mean by “go all crazy”?

 

Did she say explicitly tell you she had been sexually assaulted in her last fwb or relationship?

 

Don’t you think she’s old enough to know it’s quite mean to act like a tease?

 

JuneL, No she doesn't open up enough to tell me all that. I'm just putting the pieces together. But her behavior last night and the fact that she was fighting back tears made me think that something happened.

 

I think acting like a tease after 5 months would be kind of pointless by now. She could easily just go find someone else that she wants to be with if that were the case.

[Highndry]

What makes you think BPD? I am curious.

 

 

Because your last intimate encounter with her is extremely troubling. It reeks of manipulation and emotional instability. In fact, it seemed downright creepy to me. One minute she's stark naked ready to have sex, then she has tears in her eyes and can't do it, but then she's back to grinding on you and stuff? My friend, this is so screwed up I don't even know where to start.

[AGoodFriend]

Because your last intimate encounter with her is extremely troubling. It reeks of manipulation and emotional instability. In fact, it seemed downright creepy to me. One minute she's stark naked ready to have sex, then she has tears in her eyes and can't do it, but then she's back to grinding on you and stuff? My friend, this is so screwed up I don't even know where to start.

 

I agree for the most part, but I can't really see the BPD. With me, she doesn't betray too much emotion. I'm more likely to be BPD than she.

 

I think if it's not the effects of sexual assault, then she hasn't truly gotten over the person that broke her heart.

 

It could be that she is using (albeit subconsciously) to get back at whomever from her past, as that person is long gone and she can't do anything about it.

 

Whatever it is, I no longer have hopes of genuine intimate relationship, but still enjoy everything else about her.

Edited April 30, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[AGoodFriend]

It looks like she’s been through a lot. That has got to be tough. It explains why she pulled away once you started reciprocating. It might have been a defense mechanism.

 

The funny thing is that, before she actually came into the same office, I was emotionally fine. We texted day and night, definitely, but I wasn't too worried about if she liked me or this and that. We'd gone out and a few dates and all, but I was like any other "typical dater."

 

It was only when I started seeing her every day that my emotions went wild and I got attached.

[JuneL]

Dude, do you have a bit of martyr syndrome? That’s why the broken girls like to seek you out?

[AGoodFriend]

Dude, do you have a bit of martyr syndrome? That’s why the broken girls like to seek you out?

 

 

Great, another syndrome to add to my already extensive catalog.

 

JuneL, you are probably right, though, in your assessment.

Edited April 30, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[nodramallama]

Ok, I'm jumping in here after reading all 6 pages.

 

You sound like a lovely, empathetic, and, yes, (sorry) nice man. I mean that as a huge compliment.

 

I love your honesty and self awareness, and I can totally see how someone with a broken past would hold on to you like a life raft.

 

It sounds like your gf isn't quite ready to be in a relationship where both of you are equals - where you are a "team." It's obvious from what you've said about her that she needs more healing. The risk of continuing to date her is that she could grow dependent on you as her "savior" of sorts, but then wake up one day 10 years down the road, fully healed, and she discovers that she's not the same person you fell in love with and she wants to be with someone more compatible.

 

This is what happened with me and my now ex-husband, a good and kind man, but not what I want/need in a partner...anymore. Sometimes love isn't enough.

 

Just food for thought...

[JuneL]

 

Sometimes love isn't enough.

 

 

Did you mean OP's love for the woman? Because I doubt she loves him; she's more likely using him for comfort and companion.

[AGoodFriend]

Ok, I'm jumping in here after reading all 6 pages.

 

You sound like a lovely, empathetic, and, yes, (sorry) nice man. I mean that as a huge compliment.

 

I love your honesty and self awareness, and I can totally see how someone with a broken past would hold on to you like a life raft.

 

It sounds like your gf isn't quite ready to be in a relationship where both of you are equals - where you are a "team." It's obvious from what you've said about her that she needs more healing. The risk of continuing to date her is that she could grow dependent on you as her "savior" of sorts, but then wake up one day 10 years down the road, fully healed, and she discovers that she's not the same person you fell in love with and she wants to be with someone more compatible.

 

This is what happened with me and my now ex-husband, a good and kind man, but not what I want/need in a partner...anymore. Sometimes love isn't enough.

 

Just food for thought...

 

Thank you very much for your insight, nodramallama. I totally agree with what you are saying, and I have been aware of this since early March. I no longer see a future with her. It took me coming back to Loveshack and having you all beat it into my head that something wasn't right to accept that I was misguided and expecting too much from someone who clearly doesn't feel even close to the same way.

 

And I know where you are coming from, because the same thing happened with me and second ex-wife. I was the project, she was the fixer.

[AGoodFriend]

Did you mean OP's love for the woman? Because I doubt she loves him; she's more likely using him for comfort and companion.

 

I saw this in March, but didn't want to accept it.

 

Just something convenient until she is ready to try for someone else.

 

Although I still don't understand why she gets agitated if I don't text her...

Edited April 30, 2019 by AGoodFriend

[nodramallama]

Did you mean OP's love for the woman? Because I doubt she loves him; she's more likely using him for comfort and companion.

 

But she probably mistakes comfort and companionship for love, but won't/can't see it until if/when she's fully healed.

[AGoodFriend]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuneL View Post

Did you mean OP's love for the woman? Because I doubt she loves him; she's more likely using him for comfort and companion.

 

But she probably mistakes comfort and companionship for love, but won't/can't see it until if/when she's fully healed.

 

I think you are both right, and what you are saying is a continuation of what JuneL is saying, if the relationship continues.

 

But I am pretty much done with trying for anything deeper or serious. I am going to continue to put some distance between us so I can protect my feelings and move on.

 

Wow, LoveShack saves the day again!

[Logo]

She gets upset when you don't text her because for her it's an energy boost. She enjoys the attention and the thought that someone cares about her. Texts are instant gratification.

[AGoodFriend]

She gets upset when you don't text her because for her it's an energy boost. She enjoys the attention and the thought that someone cares about her. Texts are instant gratification.

 

Yeah, I can see this. I felt the same way would she reach and text me a lot in the beginning.

 

It's not all that different from regular phone calls, pagers back in the day, and in the 2000s. I guess now with pictures, videos, gifs, and all that, it's even more addicting.

[olivetree]

I don't necessarily agree that she is using you in any way.

Not saying this is the case, not saying it isn't the case.

I just don't see any manipulation here.

 

I see someone who is scared to come close.

I think that the way she acted (coming close to having sex, stopping, grinding) was just her getting close to having sex, getting scared, stopping, you reassured her enough for her to try again and so she did.

Telling her that she was safe, etc. in the car was very sweet - exactly what someone who has suffered trauma needs to hear.

I think she simply felt safe to tell you she loved you in that moment, though she has loved you for a while.

 

It's perfectly acceptable for you to move on from this if it isn't working for you.

A relationship without communication is not much of a relationship, and I think that since that is what you want the most and you're running out of patience, you need to tell her / show her you are ready to walk.

 

But don't drag it out or pull the slow fade.

Communicate first.

[AGoodFriend]

I don't necessarily agree that she is using you in any way.

Not saying this is the case, not saying it isn't the case.

I just don't see any manipulation here.

 

I see someone who is scared to come close.

I think that the way she acted (coming close to having sex, stopping, grinding) was just her getting close to having sex, getting scared, stopping, you reassured her enough for her to try again and so she did.

Telling her that she was safe, etc. in the car was very sweet - exactly what someone who has suffered trauma needs to hear.

I think she simply felt safe to tell you she loved you in that moment, though she has loved you for a while.

 

It's perfectly acceptable for you to move on from this if it isn't working for you.

A relationship without communication is not much of a relationship, and I think that since that is what you want the most and you're running out of patience, you need to tell her / show her you are ready to walk.

 

But don't drag it out or pull the slow fade.

Communicate first.

 

olivetree, thank you for chiming in. Your perspective and viewpoint is the one that I am hoping is the situation.

 

What's really not working for me my perception that our modes of communication are very different. She said, before we went out on Sunday, that it's not necessary to say how you feel, but show it in your actions. But for me that is difficult, because I don't read people too well in the first place. Unfortunately, I need to hear it as well. I didn't even know she had a crush on me until a coworker pointed it out to me last July!

 

Your post gives me hope, but right now, honestly, I am afraid to hope. The only problem is, whenever I try to communicate serious topics, she gets uncomfortable, fidgets, and says "We already talked about that."

Edited April 30, 2019 by AGoodFriend