Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 Why do you think a younger guy is better? I’m exactly her age, and my bf is your age. I tend to be attracted to men a few years older. You mentioned that you’re twice divorced. Do you have kids? If yes, does having kids play a role in your relationship? I don't think a younger guy is better. I just feel she would probably be more into that. I really don't know much of her dating past as she doesn't open up at all. I have to admit I'm just going off my gut. I have kids, but they play no role in the relationship.
Mrin Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Just chiming in here a little late. Dude here. A few thoughts for you to consider: 1. There is definitely something *broken* with her. It is probably a past relationship or sexual assault. 2. You are right to move along. 3. But... You do need to recognize that you are sending off major low confidence and insecurity vibes. Cringeworthy even. The no texting game. Push/pull. Hot/cold. That stuff is only suitable for kids, not six month relationships between mature adults. Hiding in the bathroom?? Most women I know would find that sort of insecurity a major turn off. Like game ending. Are you normally this low confidence? Or is it something about this woman or this time in your life in particular? Just throwing this out there but have you gave your testosterone levels checked? 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 Just chiming in here a little late. Dude here. A few thoughts for you to consider: 3. But... You do need to recognize that you are sending off major low confidence and insecurity vibes. Cringeworthy even. The no texting game. Push/pull. Hot/cold. That stuff is only suitable for kids, not six month relationships between mature adults. Hiding in the bathroom?? Most women I know would find that sort of insecurity a major turn off. Like game ending. Totally agree with you, which is why I am pretty happy to pull away. I have some insecurities definitely which always eat away at me. I definitely recognize it and will work on it. Thanks for your insight, Mrin. 1
JuneL Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Totally agree with you, which is why I am pretty happy to pull away. I have some insecurities definitely which always eat away at me. I definitely recognize it and will work on it. Thanks for your insight, Mrin. The majority of thread starters on here tend to be defensive when hearing negative feedback. But I see that you’re quite receptive to our various perspectives. So at least you have a very positive trait
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 (edited) The majority of thread starters on here tend to be defensive when hearing negative feedback. But I see that you’re quite receptive to our various perspectives. So at least you have a very positive trait JuneL, I am painfully aware of my weaknesses. Not being able to dance has been a terrible aspect of my life, for example. It is good to hear it directly from other people, especially, so I can get different perspectives. Also, I am recently divorced after having been married for 12 years. I have absolutely no idea of what I'm doing out there dating! Edited April 27, 2019 by AGoodFriend
stillafool Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 A lot of men (and women) for that matter are bad dancers. It has nothing to do with whether a woman is attracted to you or not. 2
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 A lot of men (and women) for that matter are bad dancers. It has nothing to do with whether a woman is attracted to you or not. @stillafool, As we were getting to know each other, I thought she was shy and kind of socially awkward (like me). But I started to find out that at work she just doesn't intermingle with people (strictly business). So when she said she loves to dance, I got that knotty feeling in my stomach. Then when she invited me to go the Salsa class I freaked. But I knew I couldn't dodge it anymore. I had given up clubs and bars and the whole nightlife scene long before I even got married the second time. It's just not me. But anyway, when we were in the class, I saw a look of disappointment cross her face when she saw that I have absolutely zero rhythm. Like negative rhythm. I got the steps a little bit, but it felt very mechanical. And the reason I went to the bathroom to cool off was because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and traits of Asperger's Syndrome. I was on the verge of a panic attack.
stillafool Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 You should have told her you were a bad dancer when she first asked you to go salsa dancing. Maybe she was shocked because she didn't know you weren't into dancing. If salsa dancing is something that she does often then I can understand her disappointment if she wasn't aware. Otherwise unless you are a Latin man or woman very few people know how to salsa. 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 I told her, definitely, when we discussed salsa the first. But she was adamant! I wasn't going to be an a$$ and deny her something she likes to do. I will admit, she got me out of my comfort zone. I'm gonna miss her.
stillafool Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Well if you told her you were a bad dancer it's pretty rude of her to show disappointment on her face when she saw you dance. Maybe you'll miss her a bit but there are a lot more women out there. Try finding one you don't work with if possible. 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 Try finding one you don't work with if possible. Bingo! I know this (had a bad fallout with a coworker about 15 years ago in another place), and hadn't violated that rule until this time. Very bad idea.
JuneL Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 I have kids, but they play no role in the relationship. How can you be so sure? Didn’t you have to plan your dates around your custody schedules?
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 How can you be so sure? Didn’t you have to plan your dates around your custody schedules? My son is an adult and my second ex has primary custody. But I see where you are coming from. I think I have a lot of baggage and she probably didn't want to go all the way with someone like that, especially someone from work. I can definitely understand if that's how she felt.
Mrin Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Totally agree with you, which is why I am pretty happy to pull away. I have some insecurities definitely which always eat away at me. I definitely recognize it and will work on it. Thanks for your insight, Mrin. My pleasure, man! I just read that you recently got divorced. That totally makes sense then. I was a complete mess when I started dating after my divorce. I had no clue how to date. I only knew how to husband. Lol. Good luck to you and glad you are so open to people's advice. 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 I only knew how to husband. This. I was doing it unconsciously without even realizing it. She probably couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but it must have seemed a bit too much for her, even though she continued along.
chillii Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Totally agree with you, which is why I am pretty happy to pull away. I have some insecurities definitely which always eat away at me. I definitely recognize it and will work on it. Thanks for your insight, Mrin. Ahhh, l dunno man , jesus you've just come out of a divorce . lt's all ok for her to be hurt in the past and all this rubbish , but you can be hurt in the past too , or coming out of a divorce which is much much worse. Of course your protecting yourself and of course your a little gingery about things, that's being smart. You need to look after yourself in all this too after what you've been through and the whole situation with her and the way that she seems to be. You'll be fine when it's with the right woman and timing for you but it sounds like it might be better for you anyway if that takes awhile yet. But tbh , she sounds very immature for her kinda age and l think she probably has a few problems goin on in there tbh. Anyway, for what it's worth, mee , l think if your ok with backing away from this l dunno , it might not be a bad idea for now, she doesn't sound too right in herself anyway and you really don't need that on top of everything else. 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 Ahhh, l dunno man , jesus you've just come out of a divorce . lt's all ok for her to be hurt in the past and all this rubbish , but you can be hurt in the past too , or coming out of a divorce which is much much worse. Of course your protecting yourself and of course your a little gingery about things, that's being smart. You need to look after yourself in all this too after what you've been through and the whole situation with her and the way that she seems to be. You'll be fine when it's with the right woman and timing for you but it sounds like it might be better for you anyway if that takes awhile yet. But tbh , she sounds very immature for her kinda age and l think she probably has a few problems goin on in there tbh. Anyway, for what it's worth, mee , l think if your ok with backing away from this l dunno , it might not be a bad idea for now, she doesn't sound too right in herself anyway and you really don't need that on top of everything else. Agree. I need to just step back myself instead of trying to rush into another marriage! I really have to work on this aspect of my personality. One thing I need to learn is how to have that spontaneous type of fun that single people have. I haven't lived like that in a long time. Again, it was hard that she was not really willing to open the communication doors to topics about feelings and things like that. But I definitely wish her well.
JuneL Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 Agree. I need to just step back myself instead of trying to rush into another marriage! I really have to work on this aspect of my personality. One thing I need to learn is how to have that spontaneous type of fun that single people have. I haven't lived like that in a long time. Again, it was hard that she was not really willing to open the communication doors to topics about feelings and things like that. But I definitely wish her well. Many men would want to play the field right after a divorce. It’s a little surprising that you’re willing to be with a woman without (real) sex for such a long time 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 (edited) Many men would want to play the field right after a divorce. It’s a little surprising that you’re willing to be with a woman without (real) sex for such a long time Honestly, I am need of an emotional connection and companionship more than anything right now. Coming off a 12 year marriage is a load. We had done things that have left me satisfied, so I wasn't totally dry. I was more interested in forging a bond with her. I guess I was ready to get married in half a year, without even realizing it! I basically tried to latch on to the first opportunity I saw. I felt that she had the qualities that I would look for in a future wife. (No, I never told her any of that!) But of course you can't project your feelings on others. I honestly believe if I had been a typical single guy that the relationship would have long been consummated a long time ago. Remember that she has no kids and has never been married. So she is very used to the dating game, boyfriends, FWBs and all that, and the ups and downs they bring. That's why her defenses were basically iron clad. She was not going to open up at all any time soon. She was going to protect herself at all costs. If we had done anything, it would have been more than she is ready for emotionally, I imagine. I say this because it would have been more of an emotional load than a fling with some guy she doesn't have to see very often. Please let me know what you think, JuneL, as you are a lady. What is she thinking? Edited April 27, 2019 by AGoodFriend
Logo Posted April 27, 2019 Posted April 27, 2019 (edited) But once I saw that she seemed genuine and I started to reciprocate, then she started pulling away. It was weird, and definitely not what I am used to. You don't want to be with someone like that. It's a toxic environment for a relationship. When you reciprocate, the other person is supposed to appreciate it and move closer, not pull away. People who don't appreciate it usually have low self esteem or a negative self image. Not ready to move to sex after months of dating is indicative that she either only needed the companionship, was lonely, or was trying to keep you around for as long as she could, like dangling a carrot that you can never get. I'm glad that you are moving on. Edited April 27, 2019 by Logo 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 27, 2019 Author Posted April 27, 2019 (edited) she either only needed the companionship Probably this. It was especially convenient for both of us as we worked together. I'm a nice, decent-looking, clean cut guy with a career who was the new guy in a place where there isn't much of anything. She's a beauty when she decides to show it! Right now we are locked in another one of our texting power struggles, reminiscent of the no-text weekend in early March that set her off the first time. We usually text all the time, all day at work. There are some days were we don't, but usually only a day before we check in. On the weekends, a little less, but we did see each other more often. We texted normally Thursday night. That's when she asked when we were going to the movies and I said "very soon." I didn't text her all Friday and she texted me around 6 PM Friday evening asking why I didn't text. My last text to her was last night and we haven't had contact since. I'm trying to play it cool, not reach out, and work on my "texting game" as Mrin calls it. I want to reach out, but I have feeling I shouldn't and I'm going to tough it out. But it sucks as some of you may know. I really appreciate everyone's help here. And hope some of you can keep her in your prayers as well (if you're religious). Oh, by the way, she did invite me to church and I went a few weeks ago. I don't know if that means anything... Edited April 27, 2019 by AGoodFriend
Logo Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) I forget where I saw this, but someone wrote or talked about the rush people get when they receive a text from someone they have feelings for. These texts don't necessarily serve a purpose in moving the relationship forward. By now, they're more like energy drinks. You get a boost for an hour and then you need another. People do the darnest things. She might have taken you to church because she didn't want to go alone or it was an opportunity for her to bring you along as a trophy. If you enjoy your time with her, then who am I to say otherwise. But it sounds like you're looking for a real romantic relationship and usually when a woman is into the man and has long-term intentions, she is just as eager to have sex with the man as he is with her. Usually. Give or take a few dates, but not months. Added: Look, I get it. It's hard to separate the emotional from the logical. I have a hard time doing that too sometimes. But there's a limit to what I'm (and you should too) willing to put myself through. Edited April 28, 2019 by Logo Added 2
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 28, 2019 Author Posted April 28, 2019 Added: Look, I get it. It's hard to separate the emotional from the logical. I have a hard time doing that too sometimes. But there's a limit to what I'm (and you should too) willing to put myself through. Agreed. That's why I in the process of pulling away. It's going to be slow and painful, but it will pass, too.
Highndry Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) Either this woman has a severe hang-up with intercourse, or she's not into you. Either is bad. Rather than playing text games by pulling away, I would just have an adult conversation with her, letting her know your needs are not being met by this relationship. PS- I hate dancing, mostly because I suck at it. I used to be one of those guys who just sat around while everybody else was dancing. Then one day I just decided to get out on the dance floor and move around, and I don't think I looked as bad as half the guys out there. After that, when there's dancing at weddings or wherever, I'm out on the dance floor, because the feeling of sitting around in fear was much worse. Edited April 28, 2019 by Highndry 1
Author AGoodFriend Posted April 28, 2019 Author Posted April 28, 2019 I've tried to talk about our feelings but she really just doesn't want to talk about it.
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