Self development journal

[Gagis]

So I had a really nice chat with my father today where he opened up to me about how he feels. He said his main problem with me was that I was still a burden to him, largely owing to me being a burden on my mother.

 

There are two scenarios in which this can change, one is that I recover from schizophrenia and become able to support myself, the other is that I remain schizophrenic and become a burden to someone else.

 

Obviously the better scenario is that I recover. I actually don't think the scenario of becoming a burden to someone else is easier, who but one's parents would want to shoulder the burden of a mentally disabled son.

 

However, some people with schizophrenia do have girlfriends and sex lives, so there may be some middle ground to explore.

 

I'm still not sure how to go about achieving this middle ground, what I need to do to work on myself and my attitude.

 

Having a girlfriend involves shouldering some responsibilities.

 

There are different types of responsibilities. I'm still not sure which ones I can shoulder with my condition..

 

Thank you

[Gagis]

So I am thinking more about what I want from a relationship, what kind of relationship I want.

 

I can manage without sex, but I feel a failure for not having sex.

 

Years of trying to suppress my habit of masturbation, which I have now done, it's been a year and a half, and years of feeling neurotic and ashamed about porn, has confused my instincts with regards to sexual interactions.

 

I have some sort of unobtainable ideal of pure love free from any basis in pleasure, which is not love but a chemical reaction. I want joy, not pleasure. Pleasure is easy to get, simply masturbate. I want something more.

 

I have just come across some new neuroscience on human interactions. Apparently nobody has ever studied what goes on in the brain when two or more people interact, mainly because the technology for brain scans was largely built for studying individual people. The first results are that when people interact there is an entrainment between the oscillations of the brain.

 

Thus one would suspect that when people make love there is an entrainment that doesn't occur with masturbation. Indeed this is why masturbation probably sends some people mad, like me. One can set up cycles within the brain that are not entrained with the environment, taking one out of synch.

 

So pleasure is not as simple as just masturbating, pleasure needs to be synched with the environment to gain joy.

 

Thus I want the joy of a lover, but I tense up at the thought of sexual pleasure, because of the years of trying to control and suppress my masturbation.

 

It is probably the act of trying to control masturbation that sends one mad, because one's thoughts are interfering with the entrainment.

 

I am so out of synch, I don't know how to get into synch with somebody else on a sexual level.

 

I read a book about dating and body language which says that the mistake people make is either to be to forward physically or too tense. Real interactions are a natural dance, and that is when there is chemistry.

 

I get really tense at the slightest sexual thought in the presence of somebody else. This is why I never experience chemistry with any of my dates.

 

Wanting a sexual partner comes second to wanting a life-partner. But this has more to do with the fact that I want someone to look after me, given my condition.

 

I don't know which is easier to find, normally the two go hand in hand, or at least the latter is an extension of the former.

 

I am happy to provide whatever support I can to my life-partner, it's just I have the specific needs of my condition.

 

I don't know who would be compatible with me.

 

Things are getting better, I'm going longer and longer without psychotic relapse.

 

The biggest problem with dating remains the acquired tensing with regards to sexual entrainment.

 

I think only time and experience will heal this, but time is moving on and I am not gaining much experience at the moment.

 

I want to try internet dating again and will probably resubscribe in the new year.

 

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So one of my lady friends is interested in me practicing my massage skills that I am studying on her, but I'm giving her too much information to process, so she keeps biding her time. I started telling her about life after death, the different ways one can die and how it is related to the rapture, which personally I don't believe in. We had a mutual friend who committed suicide and I was in love with her, although she was already going out with someone else. That's the reason I blame myself, and I would like to see her again, if only to apologize. She was my friend, she liked me, but she thought I knew stuff about her that nobody else knew and she couldn't understand why. She was taking too many drugs. When I first went into the mental hospital she hung herself, I think she blamed herself for my condition. Nothing ever dies, as many people know, but encountering someone again who has died in this incarnation is difficult, and I should accept that. Anyway, back to my current lady friend. She is very intelligent and has experienced schizophrenia, so she knows a lot about the workings of the world. Convincing her that I'm genuine is difficult, and I find it frustrating because all I want to do is make her happy. I love her very much, but mostly as a friend, and look up to her in a way. Hopefully we'll be able to set a time to do massage soon. I'm in no rush. Thank you.

[Gagis]

So every time I try and be a bit forward with a woman I immediately back off and reverse it. I haven't heard back from my lady friend, and I think this is the reason. I think I'll just have to give her some space for the time being and wait until she makes contact again.

Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I got a bit lost today and walked home before getting the tube,,, I'm feeling like I need to read more books,,, I'd like to be studying theory again but am a little scared now that I got a bit lost,,, the best thing that happened today is that I had a wonderful chat with my girlfriend and she promised to pay me back for the time I spent housesitting,,, hopefully I will get paid on Saturday,,, my major concern is paper books,,, I'm spending too much on them,,, I'd like to read them as well... getting ready to volunteer my services to the community... things are going well,,, thank you...

[Gagis]

So there is a fascinating book I'd recommend for anyone at a loss for theory of muscles and nerves, not to mention pulse, which is the real theory. It's called "The Expressiveness of the Body and the Divergence of Greek and Chinese Medicine" by Shigehisa Kuriyama 2002. I am often hesitant to share it with people as I think it is high level knowledge written simple enough for almost anyone to understand and that can be dangerous, but I am happy to share it here as I trust the community. Kuriyama presents a detailed analysis of how the Greeks invented the idea of muscles and the Chinese, meridians (which modern science links to nerves, though they are not the same thing), and gives an overview of the divergences in pulse reading between Greeks and Chinese, or Europeans. I can't recommend this book highly enough to those that need it, those who are just curious should stay away. Thank you.

[Gagis]

If I'm going to play the piano I'm going to have to get really personal and my brother won't like it, he hate's people gossiping about him. I'm going to be frank, I am from a mixed background, I've said that before, my brother is the only one with a kid and I treat him like the father in the song "Cat's Cradle", I know it's going to come back at me in the end, but I also know he loves me more than anything in the world. This is really hard for me, synchronicities or coincidences make my life a living reflection of the poor and the sick. If my mum or my brother catches me talking about our family, I will get a battering. We share responsibilities between the three of us, but we only converse at drop off points, that is for the best, I believe it's called division of labour. Thank you.

[Gagis]

So been having delusions that this forum is basically catering to Katie Price and Peter Andre, I don't particularly want to work for them, at least not if they're not going to pay me, although I am always happy to help anyone if it is within my means. I need to concentrate on myself and my recovery. I've also had delusions that my current girlfriend is in fact the master who has been teaching me, he gave me a book about his master who was able to change from male to female and back again and who he had sex with, ala Dan Brown's the Da Vinci code, such masters are capable of anything. I know these are all delusions now, but for a time they were real and I was afraid to get too intimate with my girlfriend in case she turned out to be a man, which is probably prejudiced of me. I've set up a website to promote some free services that I can offer like shiatsu massage, maths lessons and oracle readings. I'm going to take it slow. I'm interested in running weekly laughter yoga sessions and also candle meditation at my local community centre and I'm going to an open day about becoming a Samaritan, although I think my brother is right in saying that I wouldn't be suitable for such a responsibility. Things are generally good at the moment. Just have to stay focussed on myself. Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I always dreamed of being a Doctor and travelling in time and space and now I can, but I never seem to pick up the girl (companion) and my mum says it's too late in life to become a Doctor. I can't afford medical school and my only option is to become some kind of TCM specialist, but I've seen herbalists and acupuncturists and they look really stressed, massage seems to me to be the way to go. My mum says it will be tough, especially if I go round to people's houses, I'm thinking everything is fine for the short term working as a schizophrenic, but the long term looks more rosy, read disasterous. In fact it's nothing to me, I'm happy learning and sure that the future will resolve itself in the way that I want. Learning is the best work at the moment, but I try to intersperse it with teaching and singing in the choir. Sounds dappy right. Will relax and maybe go for massage, I've got plenty of time and space and a few other tricks, still can't find the notes to play, I really like the piano in the night garden, it's almost like a sitar, which is something I struggle to play without a laptop in front of me, too scared to try yoga, I know it will kill me, but will find a way. Still writing my book on my mental experiences, I think it's unpublishable, but it might start a war, probably best to stick to short stories for the time being. Reading ethical sayings of Mohammad (saws), I already know the Koran by heart, but remain an Egyptian from Kemet. Will talk about hieroglyphics later, chiao salam.

[Gagis]

So I will translate two hadiths, one I have known since birth and the other I learned at the age of twenty one. "Go as far as China seeking knowledge seeking knowledge, it is the duty of all Muslims to seek understanding" and "Those who spy on circles that want privacy will face lead in their ears on the day of judgment". Thank you.

[Gagis]

So I'm offering basic shiatsu lessons for free with no strings attached, my flat is small but spacious enough for such activities

[Gagis]

So the voluntary servicing that I'm offering isn't picking up any clients at the mo, I guess that's ok, but I'm trying to get my work-life balance corrected, too much time in front of a mirror is bad for anyone, anyway, I'm wondering how best I can go about promoting my servicing within London and the UK, I don't know if anyone has any suggestions;?;

One of my girlfriends and I are planning to go to shiatsu classes in May, but she hasn't confirmed yet, I think it will be good for us and give me a chance to practice more, she thinks I just want an excuse to touch her up, which is not my intention.

Learning to heal is important, it is the work of us all, but I might be too old to become a doctor, even of something like shiatsu.

I've been reading tons of books, but still can't write a best seller.

Anyway, I'm waiting for someone to submit a request for a reading or something, so I can get down to work as an agony uncle.

Thank you.