Should I Walk Away Now?

[Looking4Sun]

I met this guy 2 months ago on Bumble. We saw each other about once a week the first month. Second month we started sleeping together and saw a lot of each other. For background, he's 36, divorced 6 years, no kids. I'm 42, divorced a year, 2 young kids.

 

First started dating we talked about what we both wanted. We both agreed we said "something casual" in our profiles but would be open to more. I got the sense he was a little apprehensive dating someone a little older with 2 kids but he was still showering a lot of attention on me. Not a big texter or talk on the phone kind of guy, but we end up pretty much spending every night I didn't have my kids (I have 50/50 custody) together. We are both consultants so he even "worked from home" at my house once.

 

Two weeks ago I drank a little too much and asked him "What are we doing?" Pretty much the DTR talk but in a drunken state. I immediately regretted it. He was like a deer in headlights and admitted he was hemming and hawing. He started talking about how he just bought a house (it's an hour away but he works near me), and how maybe he'll quit his job and pursue something entrepreneurial. Didn't really answer the relationship question but I get where he was going. I left it at that and didn't bring it up again. We continued to spend a lot of time together. We are both still on Bumble, though I'm not super active in that I haven't gone out on any dates in the last month. He seems to have been spending most of his time with me and is in touch when he is not with me, though I get the sense he is "looking" on the app. He hasn't really figured out how my 50/50 schedule with my kids works as it's not a simple one week off, one week on thing. So he has actually tried to make plans with me or bought tickets to something even when I have the kids. I've been able to arrange childcare to make it happen.

 

Last weekend I spent Friday night through Saturday afternoon at his house. Accidentally met his mom when she unexpectedly showed up at his house to pick up something. I went out with friends Saturday night and he sent me texts to see how my evening was going. Sunday night he came over. Even brought food he cooked. Then something weird happened with him later in the evening. I just got this weird gut feeling and his demeanor seemed to change like he was thinking about something serious. He said he should probably go home because he lives an hour away and was going to work from home the next day. He wanted to start off his morning at home. It was odd to me because it was a departure from how he'd been the last few weeks where he was eager to sleep over despite where he was working the next day.

 

One thing led to another and he ended up sleeping over anyways. We had a great night together. Next morning, though, I sensed he was eager to leave pretty early. He was in such a rush he almost walked out the door without his shoes on. He said he had to get some emails out by 8 am, though he had his laptop with him and could have worked from my house. He asked if I could go for a run sometime this week because my evening schedule was a bit full this week due to a change in my schedule with my kids just for this week. I said sure.

 

Later that day I suggested an early morning run on Thursday. He said that sounded good. Tuesday morning he confirmed 6:30 am near my house on Thursday, which meant he would leave his house at 5:30 am. I offered to have him come over that night and sleep over. He said he would normally but he had basketball every Wednesday night and then had work to do. Tuesday night he sends me a text to tell me he may need to make the run later if I'm free because he has more work to do after basketball and wouldn't be able to wake up so early. I said sure and to just text me in the morning. Well, 5 am this morning he sends me a text to tell me he was working all night and couldn't make the run but "I want to go on a run with you soon!" I know he was at home last night because we were still connected on Bumble and it showed his location. He was in his town, which is pretty far from the city where I live and unlikely he was out and about living it up that night. Still, I felt something was off so a few hours later I checked in with him to see if he still wanted to go to a concert I had tickets to on Sunday? His response was "Yes" with a big smiley face emoticon. I was so confused...flake on me yet respond so enthusiastically about Sunday. And, he hasn't even tried asking about whether or not I can hang out any other time this week/arrange childcare.

 

So, I'm not planning to reach out to him again the next couple days, though I do expect I'll see him Sunday unless he flakes again. However, I'm so confused about his change in demeanor. Am I just being paranoid? Is he just busy at work and changing his outreach to me because he knows my schedule this week is tighter than usual? Or did he freak out for some reason and is he pulling away because he's just not that into me? Scared of my kids? Scared of the age difference? I know no one knows these answers for sure but just wanted some advice on the best way to act towards him if I want a chance for this to work out. Or, should I walk away now before I invest more into this and get hurt more?

Edited April 26, 2019 by Looking4Sun

[curlygirl40]

Wow this is a tough one for me.

 

On the one hand, he's doing everything that you would hope/expect someone to do in the beginning stages of a relationship. Reaching out, making plans, etc.

 

But yet his still being on the app, the unwillingness to define the relationship and the recent pulling back would have me really worried as well.

 

I think you need to lean back a little and mirror him to see where it goes. Don't chase and see if he still rows the boat.

 

In the meantime, you have to decide what you want. Even if you start out looking for something more casual, feelings tend to muck it all up. If you have now decided you want an exclusive relationship with him, you need to talk to him.

 

I've been in a relationship for a little while now but my rule of thumb was always that if a guy isn't your boyfriend after 4 months, he will not be. But you do need to give it that time to see, let him figure it out, etc.

 

Good luck to you! Ugh, dating is so confusing.

[Looking4Sun]

Thanks for your reply curlygirl40. Just as I posted this he sent me a text to ask what I was doing for dinner. I said I had my daughter. He started talking about a new restaurant near his house. I asked if he was going to check it out tonight. He said probably not as he has more work but wouldn’t totally rule it out. Then he said he’d take me there the next time I can head down his way. The problem is, he didn’t ask when the next time is. He knows I have a schedule with the kids. Perhaps I’m just not used to his spur of the moment planning but it worked fine for me the last few weeks. I just feel like he’s been hot and cold as far as his outreach to me the last few days.

[preraph]

Well, what stood out to me is you said he just bought a house. So has he been busy moving into and getting acclimated to his new house? I know when I move, I am like Alice in Wonderland for a while getting used to the new place. And of course, if he's moving and working and keeping up his other stuff, that's a lot.

 

I feel he still wants to see you. I think he may just be a little too harried and busy right now, so give him a little space, no invitations for a few days at least. Let him get settled or caught up.

 

But I will tell you that waiting until you're drunk to try to find out what a guy is thinking about the relationship is how my past relationships broke up. Like usually right then. Guys are often just on cruise and happy just having sex and some company, but sometimes their butts clench when you ask them for something more, so I wish I'd kept my drunk mouth shut and given them more time to see if they naturally became more attached or not. Just sayin. He's still basically there and in contact, so hoping that is not what's happening.

 

Also, you can pretty much bet on it that he'd rather meet a younger woman. Sorry, but that is likely a big factor, him seeing if he can find one.

[spiderowl]

He is not committed to you so I think you need to bear that in mind and not give him all your time and attention. Let him miss you.

 

His demeanour might have changed because you asked him that 'What are we doing?' question. He might be withdrawing a bit because he hadn't expected that so soon and had no answer. Two months is a bit soon to expect commitment.

 

If he does withdraw a bit, then I would not worry. He is likely to miss you, so let him. Only by missing you is he going to realise that his previous plans may need to be adjusted. Who knows? He may not feel the same about you - how can any of us tell?

 

He probably needs time to regain his balance, having spent such a lot of time with you. It can be emotionally confusing not to be alone and have time to reflect. He does seem to like your company a lot. I think you need to let him go a little and focus on enjoying other things in your life. If you make him the centre of your world, it's going to put pressure on him and you are going to get too involved with him too soon.

 

Whenever I have been on dating sites and have been dating someone, I have not removed my profile or stopped going on the site. I look in idle curiosity but I know in my heart if I am not going to take anything further with anyone. It is just a statement that I am free if I want to be. It does not mean I would cheat on anyone or that I do not care for the guy I am seeing. I see it as a kind of transition stage, from being free to dating to maybe more. You are nowhere near the maybe more stage yet, so do not be too worried about Bumble at this point.

 

However, one thing I will say is to trust your instincts. If you feel something is off, it probably is. It might not be what you think though. I suspect it is more likely that he has got cold feet and is backing off a bit to reflect. Best to let him and show him your own independence too so it takes any pressure off him.

[curlygirl40]

He's obviously still interested, and being that it's still so new for both of you, maybe this is a pattern of his when he gets stressed, or overworked, moving, etc. And like you said he's still trying to figure out your kid schedule.

 

I would give it time. It might seem like maybe you should pull out now so you don't get hurt, but honestly you're going to be hurt either way if your feelings are involved. So another couple months likely won't make you more hurt. That was how I always felt anyway in the same situation.

 

So let him drive the bus for a bit, it's likely he's trying to figure things out for himself, and since you're still hearing from him, he's not gone yet.

 

Give it some time.

 

The only thing I know for sure is most of the time, when people are trying to figure something out, you can't 'push' them to make a decision. If you do, it won't go in your favor. So your choices are to get out now or to wait and see how it plays out.

 

Just be ready to figure out what you want and be ready to ask for it in a couple of months, and imo, be ready to leave if it seems you want different things. But I would give it a couple more months.

 

Remember that you can't say the wrong things to the right person. So when the time comes when you feel you need to have the DTR talk, if it doesn't go 'your' way, it wasn't meant to be. So don't feel bad for asking for what you want.

[Looking4Sun]

Totally hear you on the younger woman thing, preraph. I think the thought of my going kids also freaks him out. Not sure that’s something that can be overcome.

 

He bought the house in April if last year so he’s had time to get settled in.

[Simple Logic]

A new house, the drive distance, spending too much time with you and you wanting a lot very quickly is taking a toll.

[Mrin]

I think he is chatting someone else up. Just my two cents. You'll know when it progresses as you'll start to see him in locations that don't match his usual routine. I freaking hate that about bumble.

[TheFinalWord]

You've really only been dating a couple months. The first month, you saw him once a week.

 

Life gets in the way. Plans change. He's been in regular communication, but you are anxious because he isn't offering commitment yet. You're talking about walking away because he changed plans, or wants to work from home. He is more productive working at home and he wants to be able to focus. He's driving out to see you and doesn't want to live with you yet. He doesn't want to move fast. In my mind, he's being rational. He just bought a house and you're a single mom, recently divorced, with two young children. He's going to need time to see if a relationship is going to work with you. If he gets the sense that you are going to pressure him for more, he's going to bolt. He probably already feels that a little. He's trying to put some space between you because it already is starting to feel like a relationship to him and he's not sure he wants that. You both went in saying "something casual" with potential for more. Potential being the key word. He needs to see that you are flexible and not controlling before he even thinks about you as something more than casual.

 

You're now checking his location on Bumble, (why I have fake GPS on that app), which is anxiety-driven, stalkerish behavior and you're texting him to basically check in on him. I guarantee he can sense this vibe from you and it's kind of controlling. Definitely not a casual vibe. It would make me back off if I was looking for casual.

 

TBH he likes you, but probably feels like things are going fast. And he can feel the anxiety vibes. I would, if I were him. Plus, you asked him where this was going, when you don't know each other that well. If you did know him, you wouldn't be talking about walking away, you would know his behavioral patterns.

 

You're not in a relationship. You have had sex, so you probably expect more and want commitment. But a lot of men (and women) see sex as separate from the formation of the relationship. I don't, which is why I don't do casual. Maybe this experience will show you that you don't want casual either.

 

 

My advice: give him space. Focus on having fun. Don't check his location. Be flexible (within reason) if plans change and don't try to analyze why he might have done so. You'll learn over time how he operates and you'll see if that works for you. Right now you're assessing everything from the perspective that he is seeing other women. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I think he's just trying to slow things down. But even if he is, he's allowed to do that. Give him his freedom and exercise yours too. If you want to go out with someone else, do that if you want. Over time if you both feel you're a good fit, it will happen organically.

Edited April 26, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[damni]

I think he had an idea about who he wanted to be in an relationship with then you came along and hit him like a ton of bricks.

 

It seems like he is trying to come to terms with the fact you have children AND your age. He may be worried you may not be able to have children together years down the road.

 

I feel this is what is holding him back from committing to you. Still being active on a dating site after two months of dating is not a good sign.

 

You may be his back burner girl, someone he is content to spend time with until the 'real deal' comes along.

 

You can continue as you are, hoping he commit to you or you can cut your looses now before you develop deeper feelings for him. There no point playing the 'cool girl' here. Save yourself the heartache.

[chillii]

You said you wanted casual , he wanted casual , next minute there has to be answers and some talk.

Ahhh, that's not casual.

Tbh , and considering the kids and ages, house and stuff, it was about casual and l think that's all your getting, even if he feels like he might have to pick up his casual act a bit , to get some more casual.

[MaleIntuition]

Why do you state in your profile that you are looking for casual when you are clearly looking for something serious..?

[curlygirl40]

Why do you state in your profile that you are looking for casual when you are clearly looking for something serious..?

 

I'm not the OP but I have to chime in here. Because sometimes you think you are looking for something casual and then you meet someone and develop feelings and then want something more. It happens a ton so don't come down on someone for that.

 

It's easy when you are single and raising kids and have a lot on your plate to think you can only handle something casual, then you meet someone you're crazy about and you start thinking of more.

[Looking4Sun]

Thanks curlygirl40. That’s exactly what happened. And we had a conversation early on to talk about how we both said we wanted something casual but we’re open to something more if it felt right.

[kendahke]

Thanks curlygirl40. That’s exactly what happened. And we had a conversation early on to talk about how we both said we wanted something casual but we’re open to something more if it felt right.

 

Perhaps it's no longer feeling right to him?

[Lisa_Lisa]

I think this guy likes you and is carving out time to be with you. So you need to breathe and calm down and take his company for what it is. It doesn't mean things won't change down the line, but don't go overboard analyzing every single text and questioning why he didn't ask this or didn't ask that.

 

 

He is a man with life and he's making room for you in it. What you need to remind yourself is you are a woman with a full life and you are making room for him in it too. You're not in a relationship with this man so you are allowed to talk to other men on the app.

 

 

 

What are feeling you are projecting and now you're walking on eggshells with yourself about how he may or may not feel about you. Try leaning back a little bit to see how much he communicates with you about making a date, going out, sleeping over. Project happy and positive vibes and soon he will see he can't live without you.

 

 

Don't worry about age difference or younger woman and what not. Tell yourself he's damn lucky to be dating a confident, beautiful woman like you. Once you feel that you will project that and he will believe it too. Men LOVE confident women...

[Curiousroxy86]

Here is what you do.

 

Step 1. Stop contacting him

 

Step 2. Stop looking him up

 

Step 3. Let him initiate contact, wanting to see you, and the relationship talk. You just respond positive to his advances if he continue to pursue

 

Step 4. Date other men

 

Step 5 live your life having fun and being your most happy and look great doing it

 

Step 6 If your interested in a relationship figure out a timeline (I believe 3 months max is reasonable) for him to ask you to be his girl and if he doesn’t then ignore him cold turkey. Move on continue dating other men. If he just so happen to ask why you are ignoring him say “Joe (or whatever his name is) I really enjoyed spending time with you but I was interested in a relationship and you never asked me to be your girlfriend. No hard feelings hun”. Then continue to ignore. If he wants a relationship great it’s your prerogative if you even want to give him a go.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Here is what you do.

 

Step 1. Stop contacting him

 

Step 2. Stop looking him up

 

Step 3. Let him initiate contact, wanting to see you, and the relationship talk

 

Step 4. Date other men

 

Step 5 live your life having fun and being your most happy and look great doing it

 

Step 6 If your interested in a relationship figure out a timeline (I believe 3 months max is reasonable) for him to ask you to be his girl and if he doesn’t then ignore him cold turkey. Move on continue dating other men. If he just so happen to ask why you are ignoring him say “Joe (or whatever his name is) I really enjoyed spending time with you but I was interested in a relationship and you never asked me to be your girlfriend. No hard feelings hun”. Then continue to ignore. If he wants a relationship great it’s your prerogative if you even want to give him a go.

 

 

It's really hard to ignore a man you like and want to be in a relationship with so maybe you can give him very, very low priority. Just date other men and let him initiate the relationship talk. It's hard to give people timelines since once that timeline comes because you like him, you'll give him another month and then another month especially if you see him stepping up. Just give him low priority and be a happy woman whenever you do have your actual interactions. Once you've met that "other" man who you actually like more than this guy then you can tell him you've met someone else, it's been fun and best of luck to him. Feelings are hard to turn off and on so cut yourself some slack and ease and lean back and focus on your life.

[preraph]

I think it's unlikely you will get any commitment from him. He's probably seeing if you can do casual or not at this point. I agree you should see other men.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Here is what you do.

 

Step 1. Stop contacting him

 

Step 2. Stop looking him up

 

Step 3. Let him initiate contact, wanting to see you, and the relationship talk. You just respond positive to his advances if he continue to pursue

 

Step 4. Date other men

 

Step 5 live your life having fun and being your most happy and look great doing it

 

Step 6 If your interested in a relationship figure out a timeline (I believe 3 months max is reasonable) for him to ask you to be his girl and if he doesn’t then ignore him cold turkey. Move on continue dating other men. If he just so happen to ask why you are ignoring him say “Joe (or whatever his name is) I really enjoyed spending time with you but I was interested in a relationship and you never asked me to be your girlfriend. No hard feelings hun”. Then continue to ignore. If he wants a relationship great it’s your prerogative if you even want to give him a go.

 

Good one Roxy. I went through something similar a year ago. Dated a guy for 5 months and we spent copious amount of time together, spent every weekend together. In the beginning told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and I don’t believe he was. But he still had his Bumble profile. So did I. After two months he asked why I still had mine up, yet didn’t want to put any label on our relationship. Didn’t want to call me his girl. Did NOT want me to get the wrong idea- soon after that conversation he used the excuse he just got out of a long term relationship and wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. But still liked me. Still wanted to spend time, date, have sex, etc. I liked him so much I was willing to accept something half assed until I hit my breaking point and just let him go.

 

The problem I see here is that you both stated you’re looking for something casual. You have to take people at their word. When a guy says he’s looking for something casual it means no strings attached. I don’t have anything to do with those guys because I’m looking for forever. Turns out you’ve developed feeling for him and want more commitment than he’s interested in giving.

I never think the woman should be the one to bring up the DTR. In my experience all of my long term serious relationships began within 2-3 months maximum with the guy asking ME for exclusivity and asking ME to be their girlfriend. They brought up the conversation. They want to lock it down. Everyone else never became my boyfriend. Everyone else disappeared.

I think at 2 months it is normal to want to know where things are, and you were feeling insecure about it because you like him, so YOU brought it up. You would not have to ask him that if you felt secure in his level of commitment and interest.

 

I would say- his shift in behavior after that conversation shows that he’s trying to keep one foot out the door to create more of a ‘casual’ vibe. He knows you want more now and he doesn’t seem to, so he has to create a distance. He wants to see you, he likes you, but he also doesn’t want to go all in which would explain why he has taken a step back.

Edited April 26, 2019 by littlebridge

[Lisa_Lisa]

Keep him on rotation and go out with other guys. Till he makes you his girl, focus on your life and the things you want to accomplish.

[TheFinalWord]

I know everyone's go-to advice is to multi-date. But for OP, there's an alternative as well. Granted it's harder because you will have to deal with your emotions, as opposed to distracting yourself with other men.

 

There's nothing wrong with dating one person at a time and instead of spinning plates, apply introspection to determine what you want from your dating life. Set dating goals.

 

You can date one person at a time, but set standards and filter out those men that don't align with your goals. Especially since you are recently divorced and probably more vulnerable. As well, you have young children so you'll want to screen men based on whether you see them being a part of your children's lives.

 

I say this as a former multi-dater. It doesn't work for me because I can't focus on getting to know a person and I found I was resisting facing my own reflection by distracting myself with other women. I also knew that when I dated someone and they didn't align with what I wanted, I may go a significant amount of time before I met someone else. Either way, those issues are still there. I could either face them or ignore them. Those issues are still there, they're just being bottled up. Eventually they'll come out. I found this is a healthier approach for me. I would rather have that time alone to reflect and learn from the past experience; refine my dating goals. Good luck OP.

Edited April 26, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Curiousroxy86]

It's really hard to ignore a man you like and want to be in a relationship with so maybe you can give him very, very low priority.

 

It may be hard but it’s important to do despite how you feel. op I’m responding to bittersweet but I want you to pay close attention. Say you can read a mans mind. What if the guy you like thought in his mind that “bittersweet is attractive and fun to be around and man the sex is so good. But I don’t see her as girlfriend material. So I’m going to keep her around because I mean why not? She’s hot, fun, and plus I’m getting regular a**. Also i don’t have to be lonely in between me finding the one because bittersweet is still pretty open to me for this long.” You tell a man how to treat you by what you are willing to tolerate. And if she continues to enterain a guy who doesn’t ask for exclusivity AFTER A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME then he will see her as someone who is okay with not being the girlfriend but getting alll the benefits. If it was revealed that a man who after two months, three months, four months...thought this about you how would that make you feel? Insulted? I hope so. A little turned off to him? I hope so. Would it be so hard then to ignore him if you knew this is how he thought about you? I would hope it would be very easy then. So no ma’am I don’t encourage women to continue entertaining guys that see them as less than based on his actions. And it may be hard but a woman should act ruthless when a man act ambivalent for her own well being because at the end of the day men do what’s in their best interest and I encourage women to do the same and not use how they feel as excuse not to.

 

OP Your best chance at a man who isn’t sure about you is to cut him off cold turkey if it’s been a reasonable amount of time and even if he never chooses you well then letting him go was the best thing because he really don’t see you as anything more. Value your self respect and well being over feelings that keep you stuck. It will be hard but important to do.

 

Again I wouldn’t start ignoring him unless it’s been a reasonable amount of time though

Edited April 27, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[Lisa_Lisa]

It may be hard but it’s important to do despite how you feel. op I’m responding to bittersweet but I want you to pay close attention. Say you can read a mans mind. What if the guy you like thought in his mind that “bittersweet is attractive and fun to be around and man the sex is so good. But I don’t see her as girlfriend material. So I’m going to keep her around because I mean why not? She’s hot, fun, and plus I’m getting regular a**. Also i don’t have to be lonely in between me finding the one because bittersweet is still pretty open to me for this long.” You tell a man how to treat you by what you are willing to tolerate. And if she continues to enterain a guy who doesn’t ask for exclusivity AFTER A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME then he will see her as someone who is okay with not being the girlfriend but getting alll the benefits. If it was revealed that a man who after two months, three months, four months...thought this about you how would that make you feel? Insulted? I hope so. A little turned off to him? I hope so. Would it be so hard then to ignore him if you knew this is how he thought about you? I would hope it would be very easy then. So no ma’am I don’t encourage women to continue entertaining guys that see them as less than based on his actions. And it may be hard but a woman should act ruthless when a man act ambivalent for her own well being because at the end of the day men do what’s in their best interest and I encourage women to do the same and not use how they feel as excuse not to.

 

OP Your best chance at a man who isn’t sure about you is to cut him off cold turkey if it’s been a reasonable amount of time and even if he never chooses you well then letting him go was the best thing because he really don’t see you as anything more. Value your self respect and well being over feelings that keep you stuck. It will be hard but important to do.

 

Again I wouldn’t start ignoring him unless it’s been a reasonable amount of time though

 

 

If after a reasonable amount of time, he hasn't stepped up his efforts then she can lean back and observe how he continues to act. She can either slide him way down the totem pole or dump him altogether. It's her decision. Either way she does it she is demonstrating her value. But OP, you must believe you are worthy of a long term, serious, stable relationship not just with this guy, but with every guy who shows a romantic interest in you. Once you truly believe that, you will emit that outwardly and you'll be treated that way. Don't walk on egg shells, analyze or question if he is treating you the way you want to be treated because all you're really projecting by questioning all that is you're not good enough and you have to believe that you are good enough. You will be treated like a high value woman because you believe you are one. If he sleeps over, great, if he doesn't sleep over, fine. If he changes plans for the run, no problem, if he can't go, fine. You're not bothered by it because what he thinks of you doesn't mean he's losing interest. It means he had a change of plans. You're not bothered by it because you've got other things going on. Don't place all your value and happiness on whether a man wants to make you his special girl. Once you believe that and extend your romantic circle, at some point, believe me, you'll be so busy with great guys this one will have to fight for your affection and attention.