Real36 Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 I’m in a bit of an odd situation and need a male perspective. I’ve been dating a guy for 4 mos. He is in the middle of a divorce so things were going very slowly. We were seeing each other every other weekend on days that he didn’t have his son. His ex was still living in the house as she is losing her job and preparing to move to the other end of the state when her job dissolves at the end of May. A month ago they got into an argument over the divorce that ended in a physical altercation. He swears he didn’t hit her and I believe him. He says she wouldn’t let him leave the house. When he finally got around her she jumped on his back, he knocked her off and she fell on to the steps. Nevertheless, she called the police and he was arrested. He called me the night he was released and asked me to pick him up from jail. I did. He is from another country and has no family other that the ex and his son here. He doesn’t have many close friends since the divorce started either. She has a restraining order against him so he can’t go back to his house. I had family over the night this happened so he couldn’t stay with me. I offered to let him stay for a few days after my family left but he said he would try to figure something else out. Well, he couldn’t find anywhere else to stay and couldn’t afford to stay in a hotel for an extended time so he ended up coming to stay with me the following night and has been here ever since. It’s been 5 weeks. He has been going through a lot of emotions and is really struggling. He’s had to go $11,000 on debt in the last month and the ex is basically taking him to the cleaners in the divorce. I really care about him and after I got over the initial adjustment period of having him in my space, I grew to enjoy him being here. He plans to move back into the house when she leaves at the end of May so he will be here at least until then. For the first few weeks he complained a lot about not having personal space. Well, there’s nothing I can do about that because he is very literally in MY personal space. He was having trouble sleeping for awhile so he would get up in the middle of the night and go sleep on the couch. He said it was because he needed space. I offered to put an air mattress in the spare room so he could have a personal room but he said no to that. We’ve only had sex 3x since he’s been here. We talked about it last night and he said that he has too much going on in his life right now and that more sex will come later when things calm down. He also said that he’s out of practice. He has initiated sex a couple of times but I was on my period then so I had to shoot him down. Since then I have initiated the last 2 times. My questions are basically: 1) Is the relationship ruined because of us living together too soon? Is this too much stress on a new relationship? 2) Does his lack of interest in sex mean he just isn’t that interested in me? I’m afraid I’m too close to really judge what’s going on here.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 Wrong questions. The right questions: Is this guy ready to date? Answer: No! ... He is still entangled with his "wife." Answer: No! ... He is still married. "Separated" frankly means zilch. Is this guy worth dating? Answer: He gets in a physical conflict with his wife (whom he was living with). Final answer: No! Stay away from separated folks ... this guy isn't even separated.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 I would not continue dating him, OP. You're rather stuck at the moment since you opened your home to him but it's not working out. "Living together" so soon isn't helping, but it's not the real problem. The real problem is that he is in the middle of a messy divorce and in no real position to have a relationship. The fact that he's complaining about a lack of personal space when he is a guest in your home tells me a lot about his character, too. It's not good. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 The relationship isn't ruined because you put a roof over his head. The relationship never had a real chance because you are a rebound. This guy is not a partner right now; he's a fixer up project.
hippychick3 Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 This relationship is not working and has no chance of developing into anything meaningful. He’s essentially been using you for a place to stay (even if you welcomed it). For the future when you start dating others (which you will), don’t ever date a married man again. Ever. Divorcing/separated = still married.
kendahke Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 I’m in a bit of an odd situation and need a male perspective. I’ve been dating a guy for 4 mos. He is in the middle of a divorce My questions are basically: 1) Is the relationship ruined because of us living together too soon? Is this too much stress on a new relationship? 1. yes. You are in a rebound relationship and it's not going to stick. 2) Does his lack of interest in sex mean he just isn’t that interested in me? I’m afraid I’m too close to really judge what’s going on here. 2. probably and possibly... He may not be interested in it from anyone right now with all the emotional mess he's going through with a failed marriage. You are putting obligations on him that right now he's not in a position to fulfill until he's gotten his mess of a disintegrating marriage resolved. I'd put him down and go find someone else... if he gets his life straightened out in the near future, consider it if you're free, but don't put your life on hold for someone going through a divorce because once he's free from that contract, he may not feel like putting his neck in the yoke of yet another relationship with obligations and expectations.
Foxhall Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 well you asked for a male perspective so I will give my tuppenceworth.(just means opinion if you are not familiar with that expression!) the chap definitely needs you as an emotional support, I sympathise with his situation and he is lucky to have a good friend like you, I suspect "friend" is the operative word though, things are a bit "heavy" for him at the moment, he is certainly not in the frame of mind for romance with you and yes at present I would guess has no interest in sex and wants his own space, the obvious lack of a romantic spark would suggest to me that the relationship will be difficult to sustain, I don't know perhaps you can hold out on this arrangement if it only another month, and see if things can improve once he gets his own living space, funnily enough the only way I can see this relationship ever working is if you are apart from each other for a period of time and then things might re-ignite in a few months once you are both happier in yourselves mentally. I think that is not impossible, but at the moment you both need space away. 1
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