Calmlitlebuddha Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 (edited) Hello everyone, I am looking for some advice. Last year I met a man at work, he was shy, quite and kind. He is 43 and I am 35, We started talking and found out that we had a lot in common. I did notice that he wore a wedding ring and I asked him about it, he said that him and his wife were technically more like good friends, they haven't been intimate in many years amd he didn't have money fir a divorce. I took this as him and his wife being separated so after about ten times of him asking me out I accepted his invitation for drinks and as the weeks passed we started spending a lot of time together, Then one day he kissed me and I fell instantly in love, the chemistry was insane. Because I thought that him and his wife were separated we started dating, everything was going great until one day when i asked him now that we were dating if he was going to get an actual divorce so that we could start a life together and he said he didnt want to leave his wife and that they were actually still together, that was the moment when I found out that I was a mistress. I was confused and hurt, I went and talked to one of his friends and he informed me that the man who I have been dating has borderline personality disorder and even though he is a nice person he has been known to lie and manipulate in order to get what he wants. I told him that I still want to be friends but because he lied to me about being sperated from his wife I could no longer date him. Even though we aren't a couple anymore he still wants to see my constantly and says that he loves me, I looked up some information online and I am defiantly his favorite person which is a common obsession with a certain person for people who have BPD. I am a little afraid of this since his wife still does not know about me, when I ask to meet her he says that she will get mad if she knows that he has a female friend. I dont want to abandon him but I think this could end in a disaster if his wife finds out. I also admit that I am still attracted to him so I am worried that I might slip and this will turn into an affair again. I also have to add since meeting him my life has gone down hill, I delevoped Lyme disease and am constantly fighting about this situation with my twin sister who I used to be very close with. I know she is just looking out for me because a few years ago I was in a terrible relationship with a sociopath and she doesn't want to see me get hurt by this man because since he has BPD it falls in the cluster B personality disorder catagorie. Any advice would be helpful. Edited April 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Listen to your sister. This is going NOWHERE. He's cheating on his wife and reading you the official cheater's script (they all say the same thing). 2
Author Calmlitlebuddha Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 Thank you for your advice everyone! I haven't not been physically with him since I found out that he lied to me and is still very much with his wife. In the winter I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and even blocked his number, then he sent me a Christmas gift in the mail and because I was so lonely I mistakenly unblocked him and said thatwe could be friends. I guess this is called a Hoover where he tried to suck me back in. I love my job, I work at a very good school and he is the janitor there so it's hard to avoid him. I really do hope that his wife finds out about me soon so this can just be over, I don't think that she would kick him out I think she would just keep him on a tighter leash. Do any of you believe in karma, I really hope he pays for making me fall in love with him even though he us not avaible. Thanks again for your help.
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 You knew he wasn't divorced, even if he said he was going to get divorced, that doesn't make it ok does it? I urge you to grow and learn from this, and challenge yourself to be kinder to innocents such as his wife, by rejecting such harmful actions and learning to hold yourself to a higher standard. 1
Author Calmlitlebuddha Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 (edited) I take full responsibility for my actions, I know it was not right now but for some reason even though his wide did not know about me I was ok with being his friend but I realize now that he always wanted more after a few weeks of spending time with him he took his wedding ring off to make me assume that he was really in the process of getting a divorce, stupidly i believed him but now I see that he is wearing his ring again, he just took it off when he was with me to get more out of me, it's no excuse on my part but he was very good at manipulating me by making me think he was available. Edited April 25, 2019 by Calmlitlebuddha
mark clemson Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Yes - walk away from this and stay away. It sounds like you've researched BPD, so you know he's likely to hate you just as strongly as soon as he stops loving you (and for arbitrary reasons). but I think this could end in a disaster if his wife finds out Your assessment is correct. Some posters will urge you to notify his wife. There is logic to that, as well as to not telling, so think carefully about it before making a decision. I was in a terrible relationship with a sociopath and she doesn't want to see me get hurt by this man because since he has BPD it falls in the cluster B personality disorder catagorie. Any advice would be helpful. It sounds like you may have a type, and that type is men who are bad for you (or for anybody really). Think you need to work on this. Consider counseling if you are not doing that already. There is a poster who says "broken attracts broken" and I think there's some truth to that. Think you want to get yourself to not broken so you will reject broken next time. I'm not up on current treatments for Lyme's disease, but hope you are able to get treated for that. 2
Amethyst68 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 I'm sorry but from what you've told us I can see nothing that said this man was separated and he immediately corrected you when you suggested he divorce. All this happened because you made an assumption. You need to go no contact and in the future be more up front and ask more questions! 1
BaileyB Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 I did notice that he wore a wedding ring and I asked him about it, he said that him and his wife were technically more like good friends, they haven't been intimate in many years amd he didn't have money fir a divorce. I took this as him and his wife being separated This was where you went wrong. “Separated” is just another word for “still married.” That’s different than “legally divorced.” You assumed he was separated, although he never really said that.. You basically took what he said and filled in the details, to create the situation that you wanted. It was a big mistake. Definitely, end it. This guy is nothing but trouble, with a capital T. 1
mark clemson Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 This was where you went wrong. “Separated” is just another word for “still married.” That’s different than “legally divorced.” @Bailey, not sure where you're located, but in the US in many states you get legally separated during the divorce process. It is implied (but of course not always true) that, since the divorce process is underway, it will continue. What you're saying is technically true; however, many folks view here view it as OK to date a legally separated person due to the above. It appears the OP was lied to in this regard. Perhaps you know all this and wanted to make your point notwithstanding - that's certainly fine. But I thought the above was worth noting.
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Not to T/J but other states, as in mine, have no such thing as "Legal Separation" just divorce, this may account for some difference in point of view, but regardless imho not smart to be involved with someone still married in any case especially if they are getting divorced (rebound anyone? (at best)...).
Author Calmlitlebuddha Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 I do not disagree that I was in the wrong for dating a man who was only separated from his wife and not fully divorced or atleast that is what he wanted to to believe. When I met him he did use pitty play to draw me in, I am an Empath so I am an easy target and disordered men are drawn to me mainly because I am so caring, I also have a narcissist father so I got used to seeing this type of behavior and thought it was normal, I am in therapy now and will talk this over. I didn't know about Borderline personality disorder until I researched it online it is so complicated, they seem like nice people at first but they can lie, cheat and manipulate but they want everyone to be perfect to the. and the sad thing is they can not see what they does wrong or he try's to validate it. 1
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Sounds like you've started making some better decisions, and should be proud of that at least. BTW if your therapist was OK with you in an affair and not trying very clearly to steer you away from such a destructive path, than I would suggest its time to find a better one, regardless of how 'nice' they seem. 1
Amethyst68 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Why is everyone responding like this MM told the OP he was separated? What she actually said was that he told her her he and his wife were more like friends and she then assumed he was separated, she did not ask questions until she asked about the divorce. Oh there is no doubt he took advantage of her slip up but the man was wearing a wedding ring, questions should have been asked. OP block his number, delete his details, he does not sound like a man you want to be attached to in any way. It is worrying that his friends are warning you about him... 2
Orokotikki Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Nice catch Amethyst! It certainly displays a strong lack of regard for others and willful ignorance on the part of the OP. 1
TooBad Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 I didn't know about Borderline personality disorder until I researched it online it is so complicated, they seem like nice people at first but they can lie, cheat and manipulate but they want everyone to be perfect to the. and the sad thing is they can not see what they does wrong or he try's to validate it. In your entire description of what went down or the way he is, I can't see a single thing that I would specifically assign to having BPD. For one, you're trying to put a label on him. For two, for all we here know, you might be the one with BPD and looking for some attention and sympathy. Because projection and projective identification is also a trait. Just saying. 1
sandylee1 Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 He never once said he was separated. He said they were technically friends. I'm not sure how you can technically be friends with someone. Nothing he said would have given me the impression he was seperated. They live together. I'm sure you can do much better for yourself than a manipulative school janitor with BPD. 1
Lotus_Luna Posted April 26, 2019 Posted April 26, 2019 Im married to someone with Borderline... please, get away. He will use you and destroy you. 1
lftbehind Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) Hi littlebuddha, I'm sorry to hear about your Lyme's disease and hope that you can get good treatment and get better. It's too bad that your MM misrepresented his marriage and led you on. It sounds like he's lied to you a lot and it's hard to say what his marriage is really like. Of course he has to tell you that it's platonic or you wouldn't be interested in a relationship with him. I'm sure that when you got to spend a lot of time with him that you thought he was separated. It's good that you questioned him about getting a divorce, so at least you would know what's really going on. It's also good that you told him that you didn't want to date him anymore. I'm a MW who was involved with a MM at work for a year. He was in a bad car accident when he was younger and had brain damage, so he has had a lot of problems from it. He also has a severely handicapped teenage son. He always referred to his wife as his ex-wife and said that they hadn't been intimate for 8 years. I know that he lives with her and he takes care of their son when she works. I used to talk to him on the phone almost every day and see him some after work. He lost his driver's license in January. He said that he broke his phone around then and can't afford to get a new one, so we don't talk on the phone anymore. He takes a van to work now, they pick him up and take him home. Like your relationship, it seemed like he was separated, since we got to talk a lot and spend time together. If I definitely knew that he wasn't separated, then I wouldn't have gotten involved, either. I'm not separated, but have thought of starting over on my own. My H has been verbally and mentally abusive to me. It's the lies that get me and I feel like he's lied to me a lot. He still wants to talk at work, but I try to avoid him. I feel like I'm abandoning him. He was also hurt at work, so he's on light duty, which makes me feel worse. I know it will be hard for you to not see him, but I think it will be better for you if you don't. He really did mistreat you and you deserve better. If you don't see him and you detach from him, then you can move on easier. I know that it feels good to hear him say that he loves you, my MM said it to me a lot. I think that their love is selfish, though. I think that they say it partially because they know that we want to hear it. Do you find yourself giving him passes on his bad behavior, because of his BPD? I used to do it for my MM all of the time. Part of the side effects of brain damage is lack of empathy and reasoning. I couldn't talk to him about my feelings, it just didn't register with him. I miss him some, but it's nice not to have to deal with him. You're in a tough position, but you need to take it a day at a time. You need to look out for yourself and your interests. He's definitely looking out for himself. I hope that I've helped you some. Lftbehind Edited April 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
anika99 Posted April 28, 2019 Posted April 28, 2019 So basically you are still seeing the guy, still attracted to him and still being hidden from his wife. That means you are still in an affair and you are still the OW/mistress. Affairs don't have to include sexual activity. If there is an emotional attachment, physical attraction and the relationship is being kept hidden from the spouse it is cheating. Continuing this friendship type affair is inappropriate and just plain wrong. Don't know what his BPD has to do with anything. He is MARRIED. Nothing beyond that matters or is of any concern to you.
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