He downgraded his invite, is this being very rude?

[Orokotikki]

I did. As soon as I did he become defensive and things escalated.

 

This is not at all clear from this:

 

I totally understand if he wants to go on his own, that's fine and it gives me time to do other stuff as well, but shouldn't he tell me that instead of saying nothing about it and telling me to go there for lunch, like I'm stupid or what?

 

I got really pis*** off by this and I asked him what does he want after all? Can he please tell me because I'm confused? I told him is fine if he wants to go on his own, but can he just explain it to me instead of just downgrading the invite?

 

So what were the approximate words?

From your first post it really sounds like you jumped to a conclusion (perhaps rightly) and went on the verbal attack. Protip - people tend to get defensive from such.

 

If you actually asked him 'why not the whole weekend?' and 'he got defensive and things escalated' what was his actual words in response to your question? Just curious.

[olivetree]

I think the title/bulk of your OP is focusing on the wrong thing.

The fact that he broke up with you when you asked him about the downgraded invite is the big red flag.

 

Anyway, I've read your updates.

Let us know how the second break up goes.

[girlheretoday]

This is not at all clear from this:

 

 

 

So what were the approximate words?

From your first post it really sounds like you jumped to a conclusion (perhaps rightly) and went on the verbal attack. Protip - people tend to get defensive from such.

 

If you actually asked him 'why not the whole weekend?' and 'he got defensive and things escalated' what was his actual words in response to your question? Just curious.

 

Yes I jumped into a conclusion and yes I went on the verbal attack.

 

I think he wanted to go on his own but was scared to tell me that in case I took it badly (which I wouldn't), and so he ignored it maybe hoping I wouldn't say anything.

 

But I took it as him not being honest with me and made me feel rejected. So yes I did ask him why but in a kind of verbal attack way and things escalated.

[girlheretoday]

I think the title/bulk of your OP is focusing on the wrong thing.

The fact that he broke up with you when you asked him about the downgraded invite is the big red flag.

 

Anyway, I've read your updates.

Let us know how the second break up goes.

 

I think he broke up with me because of my verbal attack on him after what he did.

[Gretchen12]

Well the whole point of dating is to see if we're compatible, and I'm seeing we're not. There's a mental disconnection between us.

 

Instead of me having to ask "why just lunch" and etc, I think he should have been the one saying "hey do you wanna come camping this weekend as we didn't have the chance before"? or "I know I invited you before, but I feel like just going on my own this time". Simple, honest and with integrity.

 

I do get upset when I feel I'm not being treated properly. And what he did was not treating me properly.

 

I can't believe I took him back either. I'm going to break up with him.

 

Agree. You are incompatible. And that's probably why he broke up with you, your reaction took him by surprise. Don't be hurt. When you find a man you're compatible with, he will say things that you expect, and when you act according to your own habits, it will also be as he expected. (this is harder to find online, where you are dealing with the general population.)

 

I am dealing with incompatible co-workers. If you're a working girl I'm sure you've seen variety out there. But no choice! At least with this guy you can just end it. When I encounter an online guy who gets upset with me for being me, I just say yes you're right, I'm wrong. Thank you for the good times, goodbye.

[Amethyst68]

I don't think it was rude, he sounds like a guy who needs to get away on his own every now and then. The fact he asked you to meet for lunch shows he was thinking of you.

 

 

 

I think the problem is you have different methods of thinking, he probably want even thinking of your cancelled trip. It was over and done, he'd moved on. I have to admit I'd think the same and would be annoyed if you started an argument over it.

 

 

Maybe it's time for you to have a talk about your compatibility and what you both want from this relationship going forward.

[girlheretoday]

Agree. You are incompatible. And that's probably why he broke up with you, your reaction took him by surprise. Don't be hurt. When you find a man you're compatible with, he will say things that you expect, and when you act according to your own habits, it will also be as he expected. (this is harder to find online, where you are dealing with the general population.)

 

I am dealing with incompatible co-workers. If you're a working girl I'm sure you've seen variety out there. But no choice! At least with this guy you can just end it. When I encounter an online guy who gets upset with me for being me, I just say yes you're right, I'm wrong. Thank you for the good times, goodbye.

 

Yes, you're right, we're two incompatible people with a mental disconnection.

[girlheretoday]

I don't think it was rude, he sounds like a guy who needs to get away on his own every now and then. The fact he asked you to meet for lunch shows he was thinking of you.

 

 

 

I think the problem is you have different methods of thinking, he probably want even thinking of your cancelled trip. It was over and done, he'd moved on. I have to admit I'd think the same and would be annoyed if you started an argument over it.

 

 

Maybe it's time for you to have a talk about your compatibility and what you both want from this relationship going forward.

 

As I said before, is fine if he wants to have time on his own, I do like time on my own too!

 

But I still think is not normal to invite me to go with him, buy a bigger tent for us, we didn't go because he was unwell and then on the next opportunity he ignores all that.

 

To me, the normal would be "hey let's go on that camping weekend now!" and still happy I want to go.

 

Or, if he wants to go on his own, just say "I want to go on my own this time, but we can still go together another time".

 

Ignoring the previous invite and saying nothing? Not acceptable, sorry.

 

Yes we are incompatible.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't think he was rude at all and don't see it as him uninviting you. It was a new invitation.

 

To me, you over reacted.

 

As someone wrote, "We're all different." In your place I'd have answered to his lunch invitation, "Oh, good! Sound like fun! Can I bring anything for lunch?" And then I'd have planned things to do for the weekend that I needed to get done, or people to see that would be interesting for myself.

[girlheretoday]

I don't think he was rude at all and don't see it as him uninviting you. It was a new invitation.

 

To me, you over reacted.

 

As someone wrote, "We're all different." In your place I'd have answered to his lunch invitation, "Oh, good! Sound like fun! Can I bring anything for lunch?" And then I'd have planned things to do for the weekend that I needed to get done, or people to see that would be interesting for myself.

 

No it's not fun to be invited to go the whole weekend, him saying he even bought a bigger tent for us, and then next time I'm only invited for lunch.

 

I don't feel like being given crumbs without an explanation is fun at all.

 

I wouldn't do that to anyone I like.

 

So no I didn't overreact, I just don't want to be treated like I'm stupid.

 

What you said would make total sense if he had EXPLAINED it properly to me why it was the whole weekend before, and now is just lunch. To which he didn't.

[MaleIntuition]

No it's not fun to be invited to go the whole weekend, him saying he even bought a bigger tent for us, and then next time I'm only invited for lunch.

 

I don't feel like being given crumbs without an explanation is fun at all.

 

I wouldn't do that to anyone I like.

 

So no I didn't overreact, I just don't want to be treated like I'm stupid.

 

What you said would make total sense if he had EXPLAINED it properly to me why it was the whole weekend before, and now is just lunch. To which he didn't.

 

You are indeed overreacting and behaving immature. Objectively neither of you were right nor wrong - yet you where the one making assumption about the situation; and furthermore started drama because he didn’t behave according to the way you secretly wished he would have behaved.

 

If you want to go camping with a guy; just plan the damned trip yourself.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, rude would have been that he decided to take another girl and just asked you to lunch...

 

He was just being a dick...you called him on it then he created the lie to recover...

 

Seems like a valid breakup, good for you and BTW, if it was like this now think how bad it would have been in a year or 2..

[Wallysbears]

You incorrectly interpreted his initial invite to go camping with him for one weekend as an open ended invitation to go camping with him whenever.

 

He invited you to go for X weekend.

 

Your trip got canceled because of weather and him not feeling well.

 

That's the end of that invitation. To assume differently is just that, an assumption. Even if there was the "we will go another time"

 

Maybe there were plans he had for the weekend of the lunch invitation that you weren't aware of. Maybe he just wanted to be alone for a vast majority of the time, but thought to invite you for Sunday afternoon because he likes spending time with you.

 

And then you flip out because your assumed you had a weekend invite "card" to play.

 

 

Go find someone that sees life the way you do.

[girlheretoday]

You are indeed overreacting and behaving immature. Objectively neither of you were right nor wrong - yet you where the one making assumption about the situation; and furthermore started drama because he didn’t behave according to the way you secretly wished he would have behaved.

 

If you want to go camping with a guy; just plan the damned trip yourself.

 

Oh ok I didn' know that he bought a bigger tent for US to go camping that by the way cost a LOT, to just go that weekend and never again.

 

I'm not being immature at all. I just have my eyes open.

[girlheretoday]

You incorrectly interpreted his initial invite to go camping with him for one weekend as an open ended invitation to go camping with him whenever.

 

He invited you to go for X weekend.

 

Your trip got canceled because of weather and him not feeling well.

 

That's the end of that invitation. To assume differently is just that, an assumption. Even if there was the "we will go another time"

 

Maybe there were plans he had for the weekend of the lunch invitation that you weren't aware of. Maybe he just wanted to be alone for a vast majority of the time, but thought to invite you for Sunday afternoon because he likes spending time with you.

 

And then you flip out because your assumed you had a weekend invite "card" to play.

 

 

Go find someone that sees life the way you do.

 

 

In a healthy relationship, all the MAYBE's you mentioned, would be communicated clearly and openly so there are no misunderstandings.

 

He knows VERY well that he invited me to the whole weekend before and he knows VERY well that he is ignoring it now because it's not convenient anymore.

 

All my assumptions are based on the fact that he was so happy for me to go and bought a bigger tent (that cost a lot) for us to go.

 

And yes I assume that after 3 weeks of that, since we were still together, he still wanted me to go too, because he said NOTHING otherwise.

 

And I wouldn't think someone would buy a tent that costs SO much to just go on that specific weekend and never again.

 

He was rude and tried to ignore the previous invite.

 

Agree, I need to find someone who sees life the way I see.

[girlheretoday]

IMO, rude would have been that he decided to take another girl and just asked you to lunch...

 

He was just being a dick...you called him on it then he created the lie to recover...

 

Seems like a valid breakup, good for you and BTW, if it was like this now think how bad it would have been in a year or 2..

 

Yes he was being a dick.

 

He is always very open and communicative when he wants something from me, but when he doesn't want me, he just closes off, ignores stuff and just pushes me away, giving me some crumbs just to keep me there for the next time he wants something.

 

Not what I want in a relationship at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is always very open and communicative when he wants something from me, but when he doesn't want me, he just closes off, ignores stuff and just pushes me away, giving me some crumbs just to keep me there for the next time he wants something.

 

It sounds like this specific episode over the camping brought to light the real, underlying problems. You feel unappreciated and undervalued, as I read it, and it's apparently a pattern for him.

 

That is your cue to exit stage left.

[Wallysbears]

In a healthy relationship, all the MAYBE's you mentioned, would be communicated clearly and openly so there are no misunderstandings.

 

He knows VERY well that he invited me to the whole weekend before and he knows VERY well that he is ignoring it now because it's not convenient anymore.

 

All my assumptions are based on the fact that he was so happy for me to go and bought a bigger tent (that cost a lot) for us to go.

 

And yes I assume that after 3 weeks of that, since we were still together, he still wanted me to go too, because he said NOTHING otherwise.

 

.

 

I'm happily married in a healthy relationship and I can't tell you how many times plans have changed in life because life happens.

 

When we were first dating, my husband promised to take me out on his boat fishing one weekend. Even bought me a fancy lifejacket thing because I was afraid. Guess what? We got weathered out. Sucks and I was disappointed but it is what it is.

 

There were MANY times after that when he went fishing that passed that he didn't invite me...until the weather became perfect again and then he did. And we went. And then I went over and over and over again.

 

I knew I'd get invited again when he thought the time was right...because he spent the money on that lifejacket...so I just waited. I didn't fight, I didn't nag. I just went on with my life and our dating and waited.

 

Then the invitation came again. And again. And again.

 

Men don't like fighting over their "hobbies" and sharing their hobbies with their girlfriends. And they don't like being nagged over them.

 

But, you didn't do that. You fought and you nagged.

 

Wrong approach. And one that rarely ever works.

 

If you had a bit more patience and long term vision, you'd realize there would be a lot of potential weekends for you to go camping. But you want right now. You couldn't just be happy with an invite for lunch/an afternoon...you wanted it ALL. And are making a big issue out of it.

 

So no, there will likely be no camping trip and you will likely break up. And that fancy, bigger tent will be used with a woman with more patience and understanding who doesn't leap quite so quickly to assumptions and conclusions and throw mini fits when she doesn't get her way.

[girlheretoday]

I'm happily married in a healthy relationship and I can't tell you how many times plans have changed in life because life happens.

 

When we were first dating, my husband promised to take me out on his boat fishing one weekend. Even bought me a fancy lifejacket thing because I was afraid. Guess what? We got weathered out. Sucks and I was disappointed but it is what it is.

 

There were MANY times after that when he went fishing that passed that he didn't invite me...until the weather became perfect again and then he did. And we went. And then I went over and over and over again.

 

I knew I'd get invited again when he thought the time was right...because he spent the money on that lifejacket...so I just waited. I didn't fight, I didn't nag. I just went on with my life and our dating and waited.

 

Then the invitation came again. And again. And again.

 

Men don't like fighting over their "hobbies" and sharing their hobbies with their girlfriends. And they don't like being nagged over them.

 

But, you didn't do that. You fought and you nagged.

 

Wrong approach. And one that rarely ever works.

 

If you had a bit more patience and long term vision, you'd realize there would be a lot of potential weekends for you to go camping. But you want right now. You couldn't just be happy with an invite for lunch/an afternoon...you wanted it ALL. And are making a big issue out of it.

 

So no, there will likely be no camping trip and you will likely break up. And that fancy, bigger tent will be used with a woman with more patience and understanding who doesn't leap quite so quickly to assumptions and conclusions and throw mini fits when she doesn't get her way.

 

lol I think you got my post all wrong.

 

I have NO problems if he wants to go camping on his own without me. My problem was with the LACK of communication from him.

 

Ignoring that before he wanted me to go so much and now just wants me to go there for lunch with no explanation? Sorry, something is not right.

 

I would be totally fine if he said something like: "hey I know I invited you to go all weekend before, but this weekend I want just to go on my own".

 

THAT would be totally fine! There would be no nagging, no questions, nothing. Because he would be treating me with respect and consideration.

 

The way he did things just weren't. He totally ignored the previous invite.

 

If you saw his happiness 3 weeks ago when he knew I love camping and want to go too, you would understand where I'm coming from.

 

Maybe your husband is a better communicator to you than this guy is to me, so you understand and you get along well.

 

He can shove his tent up where the sun doesn't shine to be honest. And yes I'm better being at home or doing the stuff I love with needing no crumbs from anyone.

 

And maybe he will be the one thinking how stupid he was for having a woman that loves camping and wanted to go with him, and he didn't value that. Good luck to him.

Edited April 26, 2019 by girlheretoday

[Art_Critic]

^, .... you sound resolved... next....

[JuneL]

Perhaps he didn’t expect you to enjoy camping and to say yes to his weekend invitation?

[FMW]

I think what should be clear to you from the responses is that people have different ways of seeing things and doing things. It doesn't make anyone wrong, just incompatible.

 

Stop wasting time and energy insisting your view is the only right one and just move on - you're incompatible. You don't have to demonize him.

[stillafool]

 

I was shocked at this really. He should be apologizing to me, not breaking up right!?

 

So after a few days we started talking again and got back together (still no apologies from him).

 

I've started thinking about all this and other similar things he has done in the past and I'm questioning if I want to be in this relationship with him.

 

.

 

So no I didn't overreact, I just don't want to be treated like I'm stupid.

 

What you said would make total sense if he had EXPLAINED it properly to me why it was the whole weekend before, and now is just lunch. To which he didn't.

 

I don't think he was treating you like you're stupid because his previous plans to take you camping were cancelled. He did try to make a new plan with you but it wasn't good enough. You keep going on and on about him buying a bigger tent. I doubt he bought the tent just to house you but plans to use it on future camping trips. He probably needed a new tent anyway. If he broke up with you how did you get back together if he never apologized to you? Why did you go back to him if you're clouded with resentment?

[girlheretoday]

I don't think he was treating you like you're stupid because his previous plans to take you camping were cancelled. He did try to make a new plan with you but it wasn't good enough. You keep going on and on about him buying a bigger tent. I doubt he bought the tent just to house you but plans to use it on future camping trips. He probably needed a new tent anyway. If he broke up with you how did you get back together if he never apologized to you? Why did you go back to him if you're clouded with resentment?

 

Because we just got back together and had no conversation about it, what was a mistake. I ended things with him this week and have no intentions of going back again.

 

Well he said he bought a bigger tent for me to go with him. That came from his mouth, so if he had other intentions with the tent, I don't know because I can only know what was communicated to me.

 

The "making me stupid" was about how he ignored the previous invite to go the whole weekend and now it was just for lunch, expecting me to ignore it too.

[girlheretoday]

I think what should be clear to you from the responses is that people have different ways of seeing things and doing things. It doesn't make anyone wrong, just incompatible.

 

Stop wasting time and energy insisting your view is the only right one and just move on - you're incompatible. You don't have to demonize him.

 

I think what really pis*** me off was the way he did things, his intentions, it was very clear.

 

It was like he thought to himself "I don't want her to go the whole weekend, but I also don't want to tell her that, so I'm just ignore it and avoid having an open conversation and just gonna give her a few crumbs (as in inviting for lunch) and hoping she ignores it too and make my life easy."

 

So, no, I don't make your lazy ass life easy. I want open communication and know what I can expect. That's the kind of respect I want because is the kind of respect I give.

 

You're right, we're incompatible.