girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 (edited) I started dating this guy 4 months ago, and there has been a few bumps on the road so to speak. His behaviour makes me feel like he only treats me well when he wants to lure me in or wants something, and pushes me away when he doesn't want me around. One of these behaviours was last week and was very obvious. So, 3 weeks ago he invited me to go camping with him to a place he likes to go on his own or with friends, to ride a bike, fishing, etc. He said he bought a bigger tent for me to go too and was very happy I said yes. We ended up not going because the weather was terrible and he got sick. Then on Wednesday last week he told me he was going to that place camping for the weekend and asked me if I wanted to meet him there on Sunday just for lunch... I found this extremelly rude and confusing. So before he wanted me to go the whole weekend and even bought a bigger tent for us, and now he is completely ignoring that and telling me to go there for lunch (felt like some sort of giving me some crumbs), without any explanation? I totally understand if he wants to go on his own, that's fine and it gives me time to do other stuff as well, but shouldn't he tell me that instead of saying nothing about it and telling me to go there for lunch, like I'm stupid or what? I got really pis*** off by this and I asked him what does he want after all? Can he please tell me because I'm confused? I told him is fine if he wants to go on his own, but can he just explain it to me instead of just downgrading the invite? Well he didn't like me confronting him like this so directly and ended up being angry at me and he broke up with me. I was shocked at this really. He should be apologizing to me, not breaking up right!? So after a few days we started talking again and got back together (still no apologies from him). I've started thinking about all this and other similar things he has done in the past and I'm questioning if I want to be in this relationship with him. He feels very selfish and it's like I have to keep my mouth shut and ignore I don't see what he is doing in order to keep the "peace", which basically just sounds fake. Any insight and advice? Thank you. Edited April 25, 2019 by girlheretoday
Redhead14 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Well, it's a little odd but not rude. I think you're over reacting to this particular situation because there have been other things that have made your spidey senses tingle a bit. It sounds to me like this guy isn't doing a very good job of making you feel secure in the relationship overall. Did you ask him why he only asked you to come for lunch and not the whole weekend the way it was planned before? 2
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 Well, it's a little odd but not rude. I think you're over reacting to this particular situation because there have been other things that have made your spidey senses tingle a bit. It sounds to me like this guy isn't doing a very good job of making you feel secure in the relationship overall. Did you ask him why he only asked you to come for lunch and not the whole weekend the way it was planned before? Yes I did, he gaslighted me saying he didn't say for me to go there just for lunch... And I said to him yes you did to which he admitted then he did. That's why I got pis*** off, like he was trying to make me feel stupid. I don't think I'm overreacting at all, this is not normal behaviour.
Gretchen12 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Yes it was awkward to downgrade an invite. If a guy had said that, I'd immediately reply "why only meet for lunch? I thought we were going to go camping together?". I'd just ask the obvious without being angry. Surely he expected you to ask, and probably had an explanation ready. If I don't like his answer THEN I can get upset. People are all very different. For example you and I would have completely different responses. And so it is with dating, especially online. You can't predict the dialogue of two total strangers. So you never found out why. You've only known him for a short time. My guess is things didn't go well the past 3 weeks and he returned the 2 person tent for a refund. 1
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 Yes it was awkward to downgrade an invite. If a guy had said that, I'd immediately reply "why only meet for lunch? I thought we were going to go camping together?". I'd just ask the obvious without being angry. Surely he expected you to ask, and probably had an explanation ready. If I don't like his answer THEN I can get upset. People are all very different. For example you and I would have completely different responses. And so it is with dating, especially online. You can't predict the dialogue of two total strangers. So you never found out why. You've only known him for a short time. My guess is things didn't go well the past 3 weeks and he returned the 2 person tent for a refund. I did ask him that. And I got angry when he said he didn't invite me to go there just for lunch, when he did. Maybe we're just different. But I don't treat someone like that. If I invite someone to something, I OWN the invite with integrity. And if for some reason I change my mind, I explain it to the other person, not make them feel stupid.
clia Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 He didn't downgrade the invitation. He invited you, and then when you were supposed to go the weather was bad and he was sick, so you didn't go. End of invitation. Do you consider being invited once to be an open ended invitation to go every time he goes? I don't know why he didn't invite you the next time, but it wasn't a downgrade. It was a new invitation for just for lunch. I can't speak to whatever else might be going on, but for this I think you overreacted. 5
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 He didn't downgrade the invitation. He invited you, and then when you were supposed to go the weather was bad and he was sick, so you didn't go. End of invitation. Do you consider being invited once to be an open ended invitation to go every time he goes? I don't know why he didn't invite you the next time, but it wasn't a downgrade. It was a new invitation for just for lunch. I can't speak to whatever else might be going on, but for this I think you overreacted. That's funny because I didn't see it that way. I thought that because we didn't go then next time we have an opportunity we'll go together and that the invite is still there for next time, unless he changes his mind for some reason and tells me that. So yes I thought it was an open invitation, not to every time he goes, but for the next time he goes. When he told me to go there just for lunch without any explanation, I felt rejected.
Kelliousme Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 I don't see it as rude. Perhaps he has his reasons as to why he did that, but I wouldn't feel secure with this man. It's almost like he's going against his words. Also, If you matter to him, he would apologize or explain.. instead of breaking up with you. I can only see this man putting you through more emotional roller coaster rides in the future. I suggest breaking up. Go find a much more stable and reliable man who cares about you.
darkmoon Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 (edited) "apology"? the word has its place in a bad restaurant or at a corporate event... but not when there is/was human closeness... so stop setting up any more red flags... if he feels sorry, he can show you his way, rather than respond to a summons Edited April 25, 2019 by darkmoon
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 "apology"? the word has its place in a bad restaurant or at a corporate event... but not when there is/was human closeness... so stop setting up any more red flags... if he feels sorry, he can show you his way, rather than respond to a summons Yes that's what people do in healthy relationships, they apologize when they do something that hurts the other. 1
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 I don't see it as rude. Perhaps he has his reasons as to why he did that, but I wouldn't feel secure with this man. It's almost like he's going against his words. Also, If you matter to him, he would apologize or explain.. instead of breaking up with you. I can only see this man putting you through more emotional roller coaster rides in the future. I suggest breaking up. Go find a much more stable and reliable man who cares about you. That's what I felt, that he was going against his words. One day he is so happy that I want to go and buys a bigger tent for me to go, the next day he just wants me to go there for lunch. I'm not a toy that you pick up when you want to play and put on the shelf without any explanation when you don't want to play. That's how I felt being treated. He should be so lucky to have a girlfriend that likes camping and actually wants to go with him. He's an idiot. Agree, a man who cares does not treat his girlfriend like this. He treats her with integrity.
Gretchen12 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 I did ask him that. And I got angry when he said he didn't invite me to go there just for lunch, when he did. Maybe we're just different. But I don't treat someone like that. If I invite someone to something, I OWN the invite with integrity. And if for some reason I change my mind, I explain it to the other person, not make them feel stupid. It's the timing. You asked later, right? If you had asked immediately and he said he no, not just for lunch, then you'd have been a happy camper. You can never predict someone else's behavior. Too many random variables. The only rule is, don't get upset. Btw I can't believe you took him back?!
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 It's the timing. You asked later, right? If you had asked immediately and he said he no, not just for lunch, then you'd have been a happy camper. You can never predict someone else's behavior. Too many random variables. The only rule is, don't get upset. Btw I can't believe you took him back?! Well the whole point of dating is to see if we're compatible, and I'm seeing we're not. There's a mental disconnection between us. Instead of me having to ask "why just lunch" and etc, I think he should have been the one saying "hey do you wanna come camping this weekend as we didn't have the chance before"? or "I know I invited you before, but I feel like just going on my own this time". Simple, honest and with integrity. I do get upset when I feel I'm not being treated properly. And what he did was not treating me properly. I can't believe I took him back either. I'm going to break up with him.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Through my long dating experience- one way you can tell if a relationship has potential and if a man cares about you are his reactions to conversations like this. He failed. Instead of being caring and explaining his reasons, he gaslighted you then broke up. This is not a man you should invest your time and emotions in.
smackie9 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Right or wrong is in the eye of the beholder. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Pretty simple stuff.
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 Through my long dating experience- one way you can tell if a relationship has potential and if a man cares about you are his reactions to conversations like this. He failed. Instead of being caring and explaining his reasons, he gaslighted you then broke up. This is not a man you should invest your time and emotions in. Agree. He made me feel even worse by his reaction to my questions. 1
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 Right or wrong is in the eye of the beholder. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Pretty simple stuff. His behaviour was wrong to me. Possibly my behaviour of asking him directly and openly why he did what he did was also wrong to him. A good example of incompatibility.
stillafool Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 This thread sounds vaguely familiar to another one not long ago where the bf rescheduled to go with a bunch of his buddies camping. If this is the same one I don't see anything wrong with him deciding to go with his buddies but still making time to have a lunch with you. 3
stillafool Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 That's what I felt, that he was going against his words. One day he is so happy that I want to go and buys a bigger tent for me to go, the next day he just wants me to go there for lunch. I'm not a toy that you pick up when you want to play and put on the shelf without any explanation when you don't want to play. That's how I felt being treated. He should be so lucky to have a girlfriend that likes camping and actually wants to go with him. He's an idiot. Agree, a man who cares does not treat his girlfriend like this. He treats her with integrity. If you feel this way about it why did you make up with him? You should have ended it.
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 This thread sounds vaguely familiar to another one not long ago where the bf rescheduled to go with a bunch of his buddies camping. If this is the same one I don't see anything wrong with him deciding to go with his buddies but still making time to have a lunch with you. It's the first time I'm posting here, and he didn't go with his buddies, he went on his own. There's nothing wrong with going on his own (or with the buddies for that matter), the issue is he did invite me before to go with him and even bought a bigger tent for us, so I don't understand why now is just "for lunch".
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 If you feel this way about it why did you make up with him? You should have ended it. Yes I agree.
alphamale Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 There's nothing wrong with going on his own (or with the buddies for that matter), the issue is he did invite me before to go with him and even bought a bigger tent for us, so I don't understand why now is just "for lunch". maybe he got vibes from you that you really didn't want to go camping (most women despise camping). inviting you just for lunch would be a compromise
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 maybe he got vibes from you that you really didn't want to go camping (most women despise camping). inviting you just for lunch would be a compromise No that's not what happened. I love camping and he was happily surprised weeks ago when he knew that, so he went and bought a bigger tent for me to go with him. I was very happy to go with him. So to me after all that inviting me to go there just for lunch was a bucket of very cold water to say the least.
Redhead14 Posted April 25, 2019 Posted April 25, 2019 Why didn't you just ask him directly? "Why didn't you ask me for the whole weekend like we had planned for originally"? 1
Author girlheretoday Posted April 25, 2019 Author Posted April 25, 2019 Why didn't you just ask him directly? "Why didn't you ask me for the whole weekend like we had planned for originally"? I did. As soon as I did he become defensive and things escalated.
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