How to survive the end of the honeymoon stage?

[Ariesgirly]

littlebridge- I want a serious relationship more than anything. I am in my mid 30s and all of my friends are either married/having kids or in a serious relationship and I seem to be the one who cant figure it out. I would say I am this way because of my last 4 failed relationships that I realized were all with people with avoidant attachment styles. As soon as we would start to get close or the boat was rocked they ran. They would come on super strong and chase me and the honeymoon period was great until it was gone. I had one boyfriend break up with me almost every 3 months over the course of a year and then say he wasnt ready for something serious only to turn around and marry the girl he started dating immediately afterward. I am so used to that pattern I am almost expecting that pattern to happen again and again and again.

 

I have managed to do well keeping my social life with friends. I have my weekly Tuesday night meetup with girl friends and I have my separate crossfit gym I go to and workout with my friends 4-5 days a week. I typically take one night to myself and we do group outings on weekends so I think I have managed to do okay there.

[Woggle]

I will break from the others and say to just end this right now. Rip the band aid off instead of going through a painful breakup later on. Take some time being single and learn why you seem addicted to the honeymoon stage. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but staying with him now is just delaying the inevitable.

[preraph]

I know you're feeling insecure because the excitement isn't what it was from him, but honestly, he's making the right moves toward keeping this thing going, but I just think he knows it has to settle down into something sustainable. Keep your friend stuff going -- even after he asks you to move in. Don't ever give up those time slots unless it's real important.

[Ariesgirly]

Woggle- I am not addicted to the honeymoon stage. I just have not yet had a good relationship that got past it. And I have spent most of my life adult life single usually about 1-2 years between relationships. Before this guy I was single for a year.

[Woggle]

Woggle- I am not addicted to the honeymoon stage. I just have not yet had a good relationship that got past it. And I have spent most of my life adult life single usually about 1-2 years between relationships. Before this guy I was single for a year.

 

If that is the case then why are you freaking out now that it is moving past it. You talk about it being comfortable and safe like it is somehow a bad thing when relationships should feel like that. When you choose to share your life with somebody like you are supposed to feel safe and secure and trustful instead of a 24/7 high which nobody can sustain. If this makes you feel uneasy maybe it is time to take time on your own to address it. Maybe it is subconscious but if this uneasiness is happening now it will only grow.

[Highndry]

You have unrealistic expectations of men.

[Woggle]

You have unrealistic expectations of men.

 

How so? Man or woman a healthy relationship is supposed to make you feel safe and secure. If this causes panic in a person then maybe they should do some work on themselves. I would say the same thing to a man who said that he was freaking out because his relationship was becoming too comfortable.

[Versacehottie]

Need to read all the other responses but i think it could be a couple of things to work on.

 

First and mostly importantly IMO is that you seem to look for external validation and assurance whereas you need to figure out how to give it to yourself rather than look to others. I say this not to criticize you but to kind of push you toward one of the places where you will find happiness, which I honestly believe will spill over into your relationship and make you more attractive to each other. I'm guessing/almost sure that part of how you are "feeling" about the relationship is not separate from how you are feeling in total--obviously the job thing will weigh majorly on your feelings of worth etc and make you have doubts or be looking for reassurance about your relationship. This also happens when you don't know exactly how to address the job part so you focus and find fault or look for problems & hope for reassurance in the other major part of your life, like a relationship.

 

Second, about the relationship, I think while it's a relatively normal thing for the honeymoon part to come to an end, I think if you want to "test" a partnership, you also want to see how each person weathers the ups and downs of life as those will happen again if you stay together for any length of time. It's somewhat of a great opportunity to show yourself as an optimistic person, creative in terms of how you approach life and things like that rather than to only be capable when life is going better. Again not to criticize you but maybe to challenge you to find that within yourself and SHOW that part of yourself in this career transition period.

 

Lastly, I would say about the reality of what's going on between you two at the moment. While it's impossible to separate it from what is going on in your life and his life individually and how each of you are as people, as a dynamic, i do think it's a bit too soon to be losing the honeymoon period and in the ways that has exhibited itself. That's why i mentioned the other things potentially going on and how to address those because i do think they are influencing this current dynamic. I'm worried you might not survive as a couple. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

His desire for time together sounds a bit needy (sorry to label it as such if that doesn't work for you). And if he doesn't go do things without you ... you will eventually get bored of him ... It's great to have people who want to see us ... but in my experience ... the people clambering to be with us all the time ... never can sustain things! They burn themselves out or burn out their partner.

 

I know this is uncomfortable to consider: do you really want to be with someone who makes you their entire life outside of work? Five times a week? ... What is the rush? I'm thinking he would do well to get a social life going or a hobby life or activity life or reading life ... some life! ... outside of work and you. Often we are attracted to people for being passionate about activities or interests that have nothing to do with us.

 

Which I think goes both ways. If you are disappointed that the honeymoon period has come to an end, perhaps you are putting too much of your excitement needs on him? What else do you do that makes you excited and happy?

 

I think girls do this a lot. They kind of put everything into their relationships rather than create a well-rounded life for themselves where they have many things that bring them excitement. I think you should try some of that

[Inspire]

Many relationships end after the honeymoon phase because it's the point in which you start seeing your partner for who they are, and not for what you thought they were. Make sense?

 

It could be possible that you're projecting some of those insecurities you have due to your job loss. Do you celebrate a monthly anniversary? I know not everyone does, but If you do, why don't each of you alternate making plans each month to celebrate?

 

Regarding your sex life, do you two talk about sex? Perhaps there are fantasies or kinks that one of you have that can be explored. If you find it difficult to talk about it, there are adult games you two can play together and they are great for breaking the ice in that arena.

 

As you've said so yourself, you're in uncharted territory. This is what happens when relationships evolve beyond courting. I would say that the frequency doesn't leave much opportunity to long for one another. Seeing each other 5-days a week can make things routine rather quickly. Perhaps consider cutting back an extra day or so.

[guest569]

smiley1- your response is exactly that of my friends and mom. That this is a normal relationship. That is why I am writing here. I do want a serious relationship. I do enjoy the amount of time we spend together. I guess I just need to be able to talk to him about where he is at. It was more natural for us initially to have these conversations but over time as we have continued to have emotional conversations he says things like I get "heavy" a lot which has made me fear having emotional conversations with him.

 

I didn't say "that is a normal relationship" because a relationship is whatever you both make it. What precisely is upsetting you about the relationship? I'm not trying to be stupid or say there is no issue, I just don't understand cause I've never been through a honey moon phase. I don't actually recognise this as some sort of inevitable phase that all relationships must go through. From what I've read, part of me wonders if you're just not feeling it with this guy and you're blaming it on the fact that he folds towels in your presence.

[kendahke]

e as we have continued to have emotional conversations he says things like I get "heavy" a lot which has made me fear having emotional conversations with him.

 

THen what is the point in even dealing with him when you're too afraid to say something when he says things like this? Don't you want to know exactly what he means by that or are you cool torturing yourself with speculating here and not asking him--who has the answer you're looking for?

 

Why all this self-sabotage of this relationship? If you want to be in one with him, you need to start acting like it. From all the excuses I've seen, it sounds like you're done but can't face yourself over that.

[curlygirl40]

Hi. I don't think necessarily that you need to talk to him.

 

What I'm reading here is that he is very fulfilled by the 'everydayness' of the relationship and you are concerned by it. This isn't him, it's just how you interpret the ending of the 'lovey honeymoon phase'. Likely because you're anxious about it ending and instead of appreciating that he just wants to be near you, even if you're doing every day tasks, you're looking at that as a sign that the thrill is gone.

 

He is comforted by this stage and you are freaking out a bit. I have been there, I'm still there a little myself.

 

My love language is words of affirmation and I have more than my fair share of freaks out for no reason. Just this week I sent a very sweet text to my boyfriend before I went to bed and his response was 'love you sweetie' and my heart sank. For no reason. lol

 

I have to keep myself in check and only send things like that because I want him to know what I'm feeling instead of sending them because I'm expecting the same in return.

 

I think you need to relax and enjoy the fact that he is showing you in every other way that he's still crazy about you and enjoys being with you. If you can't do that, you'll follow this same pattern with the next guy and the next guy. This is totally normal. Except maybe the sex, you should still be having lots of sex. lol

 

Be grateful you have a man who wants to spend so much time with you. That speaks volumes over everything else that you think has waned. It hasn't it's still there. He's just not verbalizing it as much as before.

[JuneL]

“They would come on super strong and chase me and the honeymoon period was great until it was gone. I had one boyfriend break up with me almost every 3 months over the course of a year and then say he wasnt ready for something serious only to turn around and marry the girl he started dating immediately afterward. I am so used to that pattern I am almost expecting that pattern to happen again and again and again.”

 

OP: Does it not occur to you that you’re the common denominator here? Perhaps you’re the one who has always had difficulty making the transition from the honeymoon period?