How to survive the end of the honeymoon stage?

[Ariesgirly]

Hey friends. So I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now and I think the honeymoon stage is officially coming to an end. I realize this is the part of a relationship I don't know how to navigate and I start looking for everything wrong and where most of my past relationships have come to a crashing end.We have managed to work through our first few disagreements and he has made it clear he is committed to me but I still freak out.

 

He used to call or text me everyday during the day, plan dates, tell me how much he liked me and saw a future with me, complimented me and couldn't keep his hands off me.I felt like I didn't have to lift a finger.

 

Now things are more predictable, we only talk really once a day after work, he still asks to see me almost everyday, the weekends are sort of just assumed were spending the weekend together but he doesn't plan anything just says "what are we doing this weekend?", he tells me he loves me now, and the sex has diminished to only a couple times a week. Most of the time it feels as if were going through the motions and comfortable and for me that always feels like they are bored of me.

 

I lost my job about a month ago so I have been feeling a bit insecure lately and have had more time to analyze the relationship. The last few days I have been super sensitive to the smallest things he's doing. He invited me over and when I got there he wanted to just fold laundry and organize. I basically sat there and watched him and I was annoyed I wasn't getting attention. A lot of the time he wants me to come over and watch TV. Some would say he just wants to be next to you while he does day to day things! A few friends have just said thats just how relationships go! But I am not ready for this to happen. I am really big on quality time rather than just being together out of routine and now the more we spend together the less quality it is feeling.

 

I have started to feel a little disconnected because those late night emotional conversations where we professed our feelings about the future sort of stopped and I want to know how to approach being able to get that back to know were on the same page. I am thinking of telling him I want to start doing check ins to see how each other is feeling, asking questions like "is there anything you need from me?" "are you happy?" "what do you love most about our relationship?"

 

Do any of you do this with your significant other?

Edited April 24, 2019 by Ariesgirly

[preraph]

Well, if you want to end up domestic with him, at some point you do have to get used to just doing some domestic things with him. It can't be all dates until you're 50.

 

But yes, he's stopped trying like he did at first because doing all that isn't really him. So it sounds like it is really you, going out, not just staying in, so you have to talk to him about it. Maybe you get a job first though since all that stuff costs money. Also, it's possible he might expect you to do more for him while you're not working, though you not living together, I'm not sure that would be fair, though you might offer to run an errand or something.

 

So get a job and then have a talk and just tell him, I can see you're settled in and content just being domestic. I still need to get out of the house and go do things some. Can we pick it up a bit? But then do try to compromise and be domestic with him too, if you ever want to make it permanent, because that's what marriage ends up mostly being.

[Ariesgirly]

preraph, we actually have a decent amount of doing fun things on weekends. We go on hikes and take his dog to the park or beach, try new breweries or bars in town. We are pretty active people. My job gave me a severance so luckily money hasn't been an issue its more been the large amount of downtime I have had and getting rejected from a few interviews. I think the monotony of during the week is where I don't know how to navigate or read into.

 

I think it lies more from the fact that on the beginning he wore his heart on his sleeve. He talked a lot about feelings. Would even send me texts after dates like "you make me feel like I am in high school again". At times told me I am the one. And when he told me he loved me I wasn't expecting it. Now that was 3 months ago and his compliments now are few and far bwtween.

 

I think I have an unrealistic expectation of needing to be fawned over or words of affirmation are my love language. I feel like things are falling apart if someone isn't fawning over me. I have never been in a "comfortable "relationship because all of my relationships have either been full of emotional abuse or have ended after the honeymoon stage. I have explained whats going on in my relationship to friends and my mom and everyone just says that sounds normal to me.

Edited April 24, 2019 by Ariesgirly

[preraph]

The first three months, the guy is trying to win you and, regardless they may say it isn't so, they've read things that women like to hear and they're saying them. The longer you know the person, the more you know the person. So often you hear men and women alike saying after a few months, He's changed. He was so great at first and everything was perfect. No, he hasn't changed. He just thinks his job of winning you is over and now he's settling in to who he really is. He's not that guy, but he sounds like a good one. Sounds like you have fun on weekends. Sounds like maybe you yourself need a little interest to get you through the weeks until you get a job and maybe even after. You're not longer a miracle to him. That part in the beginning is romantic, but it doesn't last forever and it's not always sincere either.

 

As far as telling you you're the one and all that, he already did that. He said it. It's done. Why should he have to keep repeating something like that. It's a declaration. It's a milestone. Why should he have to keep saying it?

 

Pay more attention to his actions than his words. Is he still treating you nice? Does he sometimes like to help you out some way? Is he considerate of your schedule? Is he reliable. These things say love.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tough one ... usually transitions from the honeymoon are smoother than what you're describing. It totally sounds like his interest has significantly declined ... after five months, that's a bit strange.

 

But ... sometimes the problem is that the person got so high on you in the first place. One thing to think about is not get caught up in early infatuation. I know: much easier said than done.

 

One of the basic problems in relationships is that people pour our all the romantic energy at the start ... when frankly, that's not who they are ... so then when feelings settle a little, you realize you're with a homebody who doesn't take much initiative to have fun.

 

This is all REALLY hard to judge in real time, really hard! I would say if you're feeling ignored or bored ... or that he's not excited to see you, then you want to pay attention to that feeling. That feeling is NOT going to go away by telling yourself you're no longer in the honeymoon phase. What you risk doing is justifying and explaining away not feeling good in the relationship.

 

I had a mentor who once said that people can fake things for about six months ... I was in a relationship at the time that got messy at around six months ... Then after then you'll see more of who they really are. Sounds to me that you're discovering that this guy just isn't the energetic social person that you thought he was ... Inviting you over while he does the laundry. There is a way to do that ... but he would still want to make you feel special when you arrive ... Clearly, he's not doing that.

 

I hate to raise the possibility of bad news ... but maybe this relationship has hit the wall ... maybe he has lost some interest ... Maybe he's the kind of guy who can be fun when in infatuation ... but once out of infatuation, he's not just all that fun to be around.

 

One tip I will offer ... If you go to someone's place and you feel like they don't want you there ... or you don't feel like you're having fun ... I think a good say to take care of yourself and to signal your dissatisfaction ... is to say something like. This doesn't feel great being here. I think I'm going to leave ... and then go! ... go and don't answer the phone for a day ... and don't explain.

 

Whenever I've bit my tongue in situations like you describe things NEVER turned out well ... there always was a real problem ... You could pick a fight ... but that's like begging for attention. Much more assertive and kind to yourself ... to simply announce something doesn't feel right and leave. Otherwise, you're only torturing yourself by pretending you're having a good time. (That's never good.) ... And silently enduring these moments only tells the other person that they can be any old way with you and you'll put up with it.

[olivetree]

I used to get so antsy about the end of the honeymoon and feeling taken for granted and all that.

My SO knows all about this hang-up I had, and we talked through it.

 

Hang in there.

Coming down from the chemical high can be scary if you're anxious in love.

 

What I've learned is that with the right person, you will go in and out of the honeymoon stage throughout the years.

Over time, once you feel secure in your relationship and like you're committed to each other for life, you will relax and stop feeling preoccupied with your relationship.

Your love will deepen, and honestly I think it feels way better than limerence.

 

Does your guy speak the same love languages as you?

To me that is a huge part of compatibility, as experiencing feeling loved in the same way makes it a lot easier than learning to speak someone else's language (though I'm sure people make that work too).

[Ariesgirly]

Lotsgoingon its not that I do not feel like he isn't excited to see me its that it just feels so comfortable and I don't know if thats good. Like I mentioned to Preraph, on weekends we do alot. We go to sporting events in town, hike, ride bikes, go to concerts and hang out with each others friends. He is a Lawyer and is busy with work and has long days so during the week he doesn't do much which has always been the case since we've been dating its just that we used to spend more time apart. We slowly started spending more time together which includes week nights now and we used to have dinner making weeknight and as we've added more week nights its started to be these chores nights or "come over to sleep next to me" nights.

 

I think that the transition to comfort is only hard for ME and not him. I actually think he really enjoys it. As I had mentioned in previous posts he has been in several relationships and has only told me and 2 other people he loved them so I am assuming he knows what he is looking for and is true with his intentions. He has said before jokingly" We need to get out of this honeymoon phase so we can enjoy the world around us" so I think he actually was looking forward to it.

 

I think the only way I can feel okay is to actually talk to him to see where his head is at. He has mentioned before that past women have said he is "hard to read" so maybe this is what they are referring to.

[Ariesgirly]

Olivetree, did you talk to your boyfriend about how you felt coming out of the honeymoon? And yes i am very anxious in love. I didn't used to be this way but a series of failed relationships have caused me to question EVERYTHING including my own feelings since I have thought someone was a the one a few times just to get dumped after the honeymoon phase.

 

To be honest he is so laid back I cannot tell his love language. I know he doesn't like gifts but I think he mentioned his is physical touch and quality time. Mine is pretty much everything except gifts.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think the only way I can feel okay is to actually talk to him to see where his head is at. He has mentioned before that past women have said he is "hard to read" so maybe this is what they are referring to.

 

Yes, by all means talk to him ... But ... be careful. Sometimes people have no clue as to why they're acting as they're acting. I don't think it's your job to care that he appears to be having a good time inviting you over while he does the laundry. Your focus should be on whether YOU are having a good time.

 

This change in energy is not a fantasy of your imagination. This feeling you've had is not a one-time thing or else you wouldn't have come on this board to report what you're doing through.

 

What stands out in my mind is his cut back in daily communication and texting. I mean these days ... people can easily (without much effort or time) text lovers multiple times a day ... to say hi ... to report on what's going on ... just to share random thoughts. Something is up that his communication has drastically declined.

 

Now that you added in more detail on your schedule ... I'm wondering if you guys were/are spending too much time together ... and if you rushed things ... so often couples do too much together too soon and that can backfire. Spend too much time together too soon and the feelings can't keep up.

 

You guys do NOT need to spending each weekend together. There should be weekends you don't spend time together ... you hang out a bit ... and you talk ... and you chill separately ... Spending too much time together can easily suffocate a relationship ... and partners may lose their individual lives. You want to be doing good stuff and pursuing your own interests and your own hobbies and hanging out with your friends apart from him. Doing so is what keeps us balanced ... and makes us more attractive to the other person.

 

Also, its really good to give yourself time and space to miss each other ... and look forward to seeing each other. So maybe cut out these chore night visits. I think you guys are forcing it, spending too much time together ... and he doesn't know how to say that ... without appearing that he's withdrawing.

[Ariesgirly]

Lotsgoingon- if anyone is trying to have us hang out most days its been him! I have never experienced any boyfriend wanting to see me this much. He used to ask me to come over every night and I would decline him and after a while he would say things like " I would ask you to come over tonight but you always say no on Mondays so thats not an option" kind of like he felt hurt. We spend about 5 days out of the week together. He still asks me to hangout every day and I am always the one planning other things without him to FORCE us to spend time apart. I have asked him a few times even last week if seeing me this much he will get sick of me and he says "no, will you??"He hasn't actually tried to plan anything without me since we started dating and has invited me to every family or friend function. When we spend 1 or two nights apart he starts to tell me he misses me.

 

I think the time thing is definitely something I need to address with him to make sure we are on the same page.

[kendahke]

THis is the point where the real you and the real him are in play. The "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed.

 

Nothing that grows stays stagnant--if it stays stagnant, it dies.

 

By 5 months, you two know (or should know) each other well enough to understand that sometimes, you gotta do some housework---and if you plan on a long term relationship with him, you're going to have to wrap your head around the boring, mundane things people in relationships have to do in order to maintain their lives and their homes. It's not all "let's go out... let's go do something".

 

Developing techniques to self-soothe instead of going off when you can't have you way would be a real good step if you intend on being in a relationship. Try that sooner than later, unless what you're really saying is you want out of this.

[guest569]

I'm not seeing a decline in interest at all. It sounds more like he has stopped wooing you and you're now a solid couple which of course involves the more mundane living aspects. I can't quite understand the problem with this. My weeknights and a lot of my weekends are taken up with housework, gardening, studying and sleeping. Doing mundane things with a partner makes it much more fun. Your relationship has grown into a solid and longer term one rather than a light, dating, out and about. Yet your weekends sound jam packed with fun adventures. So, I'm struggling to see what the issue is. Life is not all fun and games. He wants to spend time with you through the week but has to fold towels, wind down in front of the tele and sleep. Would you prefer you both do these things separately and just meet on weekends for outings? What I am getting at is.. Before you discuss it with him, can you clarify exactly what you want and need. What do you want from the relationship and where do you see things going? What would you like him to say or do? Do you want the sex to increase again? Do you want him to secretly plan dates?

[Lotsgoingon]

Lotsgoingon- if anyone is trying to have us hang out most days its been him! I have never experienced any boyfriend wanting to see me this much. He used to ask me to come over every night and I would decline him and after a while he would say things like " I would ask you to come over tonight but you always say no on Mondays so thats not an option" kind of like he felt hurt. We spend about 5 days out of the week together. He still asks me to hangout every day and I am always the one planning other things without him to FORCE us to spend time apart. I have asked him a few times even last week if seeing me this much he will get sick of me and he says "no, will you??"He hasn't actually tried to plan anything without me since we started dating and has invited me to every family or friend function. When we spend 1 or two nights apart he starts to tell me he misses me.

 

I think the time thing is definitely something I need to address with him to make sure we are on the same page.

 

His desire for time together sounds a bit needy (sorry to label it as such if that doesn't work for you). And if he doesn't go do things without you ... you will eventually get bored of him ... It's great to have people who want to see us ... but in my experience ... the people clambering to be with us all the time ... never can sustain things! They burn themselves out or burn out their partner.

 

I know this is uncomfortable to consider: do you really want to be with someone who makes you their entire life outside of work? Five times a week? ... What is the rush? I'm thinking he would do well to get a social life going or a hobby life or activity life or reading life ... some life! ... outside of work and you. Often we are attracted to people for being passionate about activities or interests that have nothing to do with us.

Edited April 24, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Ariesgirly]

Lotsgoingon- the amount of time he wants to see me is not an issue for me. I am good with 5 days. It was refreshing to meet someone who wanted to spend this amount of time with me because all of my past relationships the guys were always needing to see what their friends were doing on the weekend before committing to plans with me or playing in 3 or 4 sports leagues and had no time for me. It was nice to meet someone finally who made me a priority. He does have friends here but a lot of them were just party friends he went out with when he was single. I haven't really seen much of them since weve been dating.

 

smiley1- your response is exactly that of my friends and mom. That this is a normal relationship. That is why I am writing here. I do want a serious relationship. I do enjoy the amount of time we spend together. I guess I just need to be able to talk to him about where he is at. It was more natural for us initially to have these conversations but over time as we have continued to have emotional conversations he says things like I get "heavy" a lot which has made me fear having emotional conversations with him.

[bachdude]

Lotsgoingon- if anyone is trying to have us hang out most days its been him! I have never experienced any boyfriend wanting to see me this much. He used to ask me to come over every night and I would decline him and after a while he would say things like " I would ask you to come over tonight but you always say no on Mondays so thats not an option" kind of like he felt hurt. We spend about 5 days out of the week together. He still asks me to hangout every day and I am always the one planning other things without him to FORCE us to spend time apart. I have asked him a few times even last week if seeing me this much he will get sick of me and he says "no, will you??"He hasn't actually tried to plan anything without me since we started dating and has invited me to every family or friend function. When we spend 1 or two nights apart he starts to tell me he misses me.

 

I think the time thing is definitely something I need to address with him to make sure we are on the same page.

 

OP, given this post, I think he is still crazy about you. I think he was very eager to connect with you early on and so was very transparent. He still feels that connection but doesn't need to maintain it the same way you do. If he is anything like me, he probably enjoys the day to day mundane activities with you. I always felt that these things done together with my SO are a sign of closeness.

 

He loves spending time with you, he misses you easily, he's proud to take you to events involving family and friends. Those are all very positive signs.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I am really big on quality time rather than just being together out of routine and now the more we spend together the less quality it is feeling.

 

I have started to feel a little disconnected because those late night emotional conversations where we professed our feelings about the future sort of stopped and I want to know how to approach being able to get that back to know were on the same page. I am thinking of telling him I want to start doing check ins to see how each other is feeling, asking questions like "is there anything you need from me?" "are you happy?" "what do you love most about our relationship?"

 

Do any of you do this with your significant other?

 

I think you should cut back on the time together if you don't feel comfortable having those mundane, routine, day to day things like folding laundry and running errands.... which, is true, does and will happen in a long term permanent relationship. If you're dissatisfied with that now you can easily kick start that feeling of longing/missing/emotion by creating more separation. Make plans with your friends. Go to the gym. Schedule a spa treatment. Volunteer. Tell him you can't see him sometimes because you have plans. Book your time outside of your relationship with him. Absence can often be the most powerful source of longing and emotion. I just went through that with my bf and the time apart absolutely strengthened our relationship and took it to another level.

[Wallysbears]

Do you want a long term relationship or just the “honeymoon” phase of early dating with people?

[todreaminblue]

i love when the honeymoon period ends.....i like routine and i love to do things that make the everyday special.....you dotn have to look at the honeymoon period ending as sad or bad....its where you come home.....and that person is in your life and you work together.....it takes work and compassion and communication ...lots of communication...so communicate how you are feeling dont expect him to read your mind...and keep those lines of communication open and honest

 

everyone has to come home after a honeymoon...make your home special...just because the honeymoon is over ...doesnt mean your good times have to end....regular date nights to reconnect....and the love making...make it special...make sure you throw something special into the routines of daily life...if its a love note or maybe a poem or a really special dinner or a little gift ...or tickets to a show or a game.......make your relationship count....and you will love your times together just as much as the honeymoon period...but it will just feel more i guess stable and secure..have a night where you dont have technology in your hands and go from there...actually talk and plan and build those dreams......deb

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Tough one ... usually transitions from the honeymoon are smoother than what you're describing. It totally sounds like his interest has significantly declined ... after five months, that's a bit strange.

 

 

I hate to raise the possibility of bad news ... but maybe this relationship has hit the wall ... maybe he has lost some interest ... Maybe he's the kind of guy who can be fun when in infatuation ... but once out of infatuation, he's not just all that fun to be around.

 

My thoughts as well. The funny thing is, I experienced the same thing w/my 1st bf. The feels were flying like crazy, then after a couple months, things began tapering off. The good morning/night texts stopped, didn't even answer back to mine and I could tell something changed.

 

My current and I partner are going strong on almost 2 years and nothing has really changed since. We always text each other and love hasn't sizzled one bit. Much calmer then infatuation, but way better. We always do things for each other and he is just as loving as when I 1st met him.

 

 

The honeymoon period should never just "die". There is something lacking if that stage is gone and you may need to reconsider the relationship.

Edited April 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Ariesgirly, I just think you're having a hard time with domesticity. I recognize it because I was that way. You are kind of still in this "let's entertain each other" mode, while he wants part of the week to be laid back feeling comfortable doing nothing and possibly even ignoring each other, like reading, which is how you eventually have to get to stay with someone long-term. You have to get comfortable with it not all being entertaining and just being able to be relaxed around each other and do your own things sometimes. Like comfortable with silence. I think he likes the comfort of having you there and knowing where you are and then going about his weeknight domestic chores and routine. Again, I'm not like that either, but I think that's what needs to happen if you want to go the distance. Maybe bring a book or go watch tv while he watches sports on another tv. When you said he was folding laundry and stuff, I think he'd love to see you doing something domestic with him (but not for him). I guess you could bring your laundry over sometime or something like that. You said one night you guys cook. Maybe you do a sandwich night too. Something easy while he's taking care of his personal stuff.

[basil67]

I'm with your friends on this. You've just described a completely normal transition into domesticity. I'd be expecting slightly more sex at this point, but still relatively normal.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I agree with Deb and Preraph. At this stage I think it definitely creates a deeper level of intimacy by doing those mundane routine things. For example last night I offered to make dinner for my bf who greatly appreciates my cooking and requested a particular dish he loves that I make. I love to go grocery shopping with him and run errands together. As domestic as it is, one of my favorite things that we share together is sitting on the patio listening to music and drinking tea before bed. Last weekend he planned a really special date night, and I appreciate that. He does that every week or so and it has kept the spark burning. It's important to still make time for those special date nights too and I think you should communicate that to your bf so he knows that's important to you. For example the next time he says 'come over' or 'I just want to sleep next to you', instead of going and feeling unhappy that you're just sitting there while he's folding laundry, say, "I would love to be with you tonight but I have plans for dinner with my gf, or I need some downtime, or I have to catch up on xyz, but why don't we go check out that restaurant/concert/fill in the blank this weekend?' It's easy to get caught in a rut of spending all your free time together, but at this still early stage I think it's important to keep your own life with other people, yourself, and at the same time make time to come together. Personally, I would say at this stage I feel most comfortable and satisfied with 3 or 4 days a week spent together.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I realize this is the part of a relationship I don't know how to navigate and I start looking for everything wrong and where most of my past relationships have come to a crashing end.

 

But I am not ready for this to happen.

 

I re-read your original post and these two things stuck out to me. It sounds like you've got a case of cold feet, my dear. Why do you think that you start looking for things wrong and your past relationships have come to a crashing end at this part? Are you only comfortable with a relationship in the honeymoon stage and begin to panic after things have taken a more serious turn? A lot of people feel that way and I have been there myself, nothing wrong with that. I've been on both sides of that.

 

You need to be honest with yourself... do you want to dive all in as he is... the every day stuff... mixed in with the dates, special planned outings, the excitement, or are you only capable of something more superficial? At this stage, if both parties are not ready to go all in, the mundane things included... it's often the reasons things end. One person is more ready than the other.

Edited April 24, 2019 by littlebridge

[preraph]

I agree with a point LittleBridge made about keeping your social life with your friends. I mean, I don't know if they're late niters or what, but you know, don't let him monopolize all your time. But do go have an early dinner or a lunch with a friend regularly and then if you want, offer to come by later -- of if it's just still too much too soon and you have things to do at your own place, just go home and take that time. I mean, you DO have your own space to maintain, so you can't very well just stay at his all the time unless you don't have a place, at which time you'll have to get used to dying your hair at his place! A very big move indeed.

[olivetree]

Ariesgirly, I talked about my fears about the honeymoon stage ending.

It's hard to remember what I said about it now - it feels so long ago and we are so far from that.

We both came to the conclusion that since we are both very romantic, love dovey people and felt like we'd found the one we want to spend our lives with, we prioritize our relationship, speak the same love languages, and so it does not feel like the honeymoon has ever really ended.

 

The crazy think-about-you-every-second stage has to end sometime so you can focus on other things.

The thing about being anxious in love is that it doesn't feel that way when you're insecure and preoccupied with the relationship, so you confuse your anxiety/thinking about the relationship all the time with being more invested, more in love than the other person - but you're just more insecure.

 

Having a secure bond takes time.

So power through this phase and if he is the right guy, you will get there.