Started hot, now running cold....am I being ghosted? !

[LenaRea]

Hi everyone! I have a situation with a “new” man that I’m terribly confused by. I could really use your feedback!

 

Background - I’ve known this man for 20 yrs, off and on, we’ve always been attracted to each other, but when we first met I was 18 and he was 27. Obviously, despite our attraction and connection, that’s simply too big of a life experience difference. Nothing ever “happened” and we remained friends. Over time, and of course being before the internet, we lost track of each other for several years. Then, about 14 years ago, we ran into each other at my place of employment having no idea we even lived in the same city. Both of us were in relationships, again acknowledging the connection and attraction, but recognizing the timing was bad. Neither of us attempted to pursue the other, we simply flirted a bit if we ran into each other. Both of us took our existing relationships seriously. About 10 years ago, I moved to a different city and we lost touch again. Then of course the internet happened!! We reconnected on FB (like everyone does) and would message every now and then. If we happened to be single, we would flirt, have intense conversation, but it never progressed beyond that. Both of us have children the same age and we’ve bonded over our kids, shared interests, similar life experiences.

 

Cut to now - Over the last month, we reconnected again, this time both of us are single and very quickly the tone of the situation changed. We were more serious about seeing each other, seeing if we really are meant to be together. He, especially, made very clear he could fall for me and wants us to try to be together. Many conversations about this, especially logistically as we live 3 hours from each other. We texted nonstop, talked on the phone, FaceTime, sent each other pictures of our children and families. Really deepening our connection and opening up to to each other.

 

Finally, this passed weekend, he drove the distance to my city planning to spend Friday and most of Saturday together. We met, sparks flew immediately!! We talked all night, in the heat of the moment we were intimate as well. The level of comfort we felt with each other was unparalleled. For both of us. We talked about how surprising that was. The sex was amazing. Saturday, after spending all morning and most of the afternoon together just wandering my city to show it off, he went back home as planned. He seemed a bit off, but I chalked it up to the late night, little sleep, and all the driving he had done (and still had to do).

 

Now, he’s like a different person, seeming significantly less enthusiastic and interested. He said our time together was perfect, wonderful, he likes me and wants to spend more time together. However, the flirting has stopped. The sweet comments and constant banter are gone. I’ve even made comments that a week ago he would have jumped to respond to, but now...nothing. Or the bare minimum. He hasn’t tried to plan our next date or even brought it up. He has stopped messaging me in the morning and at night before bed. Minimal contact during the, certainly minimal initiation of conversation. Compared with before when all of that had been our constant for a month.

 

I feel like I’ve been fooled. He was 100% about starting a relationship before our weekend. Now, I fear it was truly a ruse to get me into bed. And I fell for it! I feel so stupid. I’m in my early 40’s and should not have been this easy to fool. (He’s now in his early 50’s). I am way too old, tired, and busy to play these games. I was VERY upfront about that!! I refuse to play games. But here we are.

 

Do I need to prepare myself to be ghosted or am I overreacting? I really appreciate all of your advice. I need it!!

[Redhead14]

I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a man, especially early in the scenario (no matter how long they knew them prior), she should assume it will be a one-night stand unless he shows her otherwise. You chose to have sex as well so don't say he used you.

 

Playing games??? I would have kept my "piece" off the board in order to demonstrate that I don't play games . . .

 

 

My advice is to let this go. Don't reach out to him under any circumstances. If/when he calls again, you gauge for yourself how he's made you feel and decide whether to answer or not. If it's more than a week, I'd block/delete him everywhere.

[chillii]

lt's amazing isn't it , how life can go over years.

And these days now with FB , which really should be called f@@k book imo because this shyt happens so much now it's crazy, internet and everything.

Although the way you two have gone all these years it probably would've still happened some way or nother eventually.

Anyway , for a start , didn't you mean just last wkend. That's only a few days ago. Add his drive, being away, his kids, yaknow it might be nothing yet, he might just be catching up with things at home.

Also , he may not have just slept with you just to sleep with you, but if it does fizzle later , that's also all just part of getting to know someone too with a lot of people, and later , it'll either put the embers out once and for all or ignite them more and you keep growing.

 

l think for starters , you gotta give it a bit more time considering the sitch. Give it another week or so , but if he's not back on track by then then sorry to say but that might be that. It could be other things though right now yet, only time will tell , unless he talks.

[ExpatInItaly]

A disappointing change in demeanor, but I would give it a little time to see if he comes back around. Who knows what else he might be dealing with.

 

For now,I would not reach out to him. I'd sit back and observe. Watch to see if he takes the initiative. If you see after a couple more weeks that he is still distant, then I think it would be safe to say that he's changed his mind about moving forward with you. I don't necessarily believe he's trying to play a game, though; it sometimes does happen that people don't feel the "click" they'd hoped for when the light of day dawns again.

 

You say you noticed he was a bit "off" on the Saturday before he left - what did you notice, exactly? He was quiet, or?

[gradh]

I agree with previous advice. I'd stop reaching out and see what happens. He might be one of those guys where the chase is what he's after and then once he had you he lost interest. It sucks but better to know quickly I guess.

 

If you stop reaching out it may cause him to reach out more or thing may fizzle. If things fizzle than you are better off without him in your life. Easy for me to say and you do feel though.

Edited April 24, 2019 by gradh
typo

[Lotsgoingon]

Hmmm ... I read your story ... and I don't interpret it the same way you do. I'm a guy for whatever that matters. I don't think you open up this much and share so much and make so many calls and texts ... just to have sex with someone.

 

I don't think you were played for sex.

 

Much more likely, in my view (and perhaps much more painful) is that something happened when he was out with you that didn't feel right to him ... or he got flat-out scared. Many of us are much better at flirting and courting than we are at committing to a serious relationship.

 

Depends on his history and all ... but sometimes people get scared precisely because they really like someone. Or there was something he noticed about the differences you two have ... that made him nervous. This is not a criticism of you ...

 

I interpret your story as him possibly deciding not to keep going towards a serious relationship ... I mean, to have sex with someone, you don't need to share stories and swap photos about your children! And he traveled hours to see you ... I think he was seriously interested.

 

I get why you feel bad. It hurts when we connect deeply with someone and then they pull away ... but trust me: I've had women do this, and I don't think they were scheming just to have sex. I suggest you not chase him ... if you want at some point you can ask him to explain what happened. But don't do that out of desperation ... or as an attempt to restart things ...do that out of real curiosity ... and he may or may not be really honest with you.

 

People pull back for no apparent reason ... all the time! I shared a similar heart-breaking story with a young friend of mine (a woman) thinking this was some strange thing that happened to me ... and she matched my story in all the details and heartache ... feeling incredibly close to a guy ... like things were amazing ... and then this guy (at least he was direct) told her he was cutting things off.

 

Maybe at some point you can review your conversations to see if there was any weirdness that you missed ... but seriously, I don't think you were "fooled." This guy showed serious interest and then he inexplicably retreated. Very disorienting and confusing in addition to being achingly disappointing ... But this is not a freak occurrence. I say give yourself credit for opening up and going for great relationship!

 

BTW: love your writing style.

Edited April 24, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Art_Critic]

Too much to blow off as nothing..

he went back home as planned. He seemed a bit off, but I chalked it up to the late night, little sleep, and all the driving he had done (and still had to do).

 

Now, he’s like a different person, seeming significantly less enthusiastic and interested. He said our time together was perfect, wonderful, he likes me and wants to spend more time together. However, the flirting has stopped. The sweet comments and constant banter are gone. I’ve even made comments that a week ago he would have jumped to respond to, but now...nothing. Or the bare minimum. He hasn’t tried to plan our next date or even brought it up. He has stopped messaging me in the morning and at night before bed. Minimal contact during the, certainly minimal initiation of conversation. Compared with before when all of that had been our constant for a month.

Only 2 things have happened since a month ago...

 

You met and spent a good deal of time together.

You had sex.

 

Either he decided after spending a weekend with you that you weren't what trips his trigger.. or

 

One he dipped his noddle and got it wet he got what he wanted and is now moving on to the next...

 

As a man in my 50's I'm going with the latter and say once he got his noodle wet he is done...

Did he use you.. no... but it doesn't matter...

 

What to do, absolutely no more contact initiated by you...

If he does contact you then make sure the next time you spend time together there is no sex... go from there..

[Youngestdaughter]

I wouldn't rush to judgement either way. My ex got very somber before he asked me to live with him. I thought we were going to break up. We were together 13 years after that. He was just considering all the angles. And y'all have a lot of angles. I would def leave him alone to work out whatever. Then, I would ask for an explanation. But consider this. Yes, you've had deep soulful messaging. I've been there and know how intimidate it can be, even after you meet. So, you've discussed politics and Philadelphia etc. But you can't KNOW him without putting in face time. Is he the kind of person to drink the last cup of coffee and not make another? He has just kids. You have to see him around them. It's very telling. You have to see if he rises to the occasion or buckles under stress. If the waitress gives him too much change, does he tell her? These sound like ransom questions. But they speak to his character, consideration and other relationships. I mean, Honey, some messaging and a great weekend and you're picking out China patterns! These might be the things giving him concern and causing him to step back. If not him, it should you. Give him a week or so. Don't message or return his. Ask him what up. If you get an honest, thoughtful answer, there's hope. If he tries to hand you a line, say thank you for a lovely weekend but you need a man with a spine.

[Youngestdaughter]

I meant intimate, not intimated and philosophy not Philadelphia...but you probably cracked that code:)

[Mrin]

I'll offer a third thing that may have happened - he may have had a woman from his past show up. This happens a lot and unless the other person is really transparent the one left hanging doesn't have all the information to know what's going on. Maybe an ex-girlfriend reached out to him and wants to rekindle. or perhaps he was multi dating and another woman wants to escalate things. there might be more going on on his side of the equation that you just can't see right now.

[Mrin]

Also to beat my favorite dead horse here on Love Shack - this is a prime example of when you have a first sex moment that the woman (usually) becomes very aware of your conduct and how important it is to maintain the same level of contact and banter. If there's any drop-off, the message it sends is very clear and very painful.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Yes you are being ghosted. I've been in that situation to know if you have a bad gut feeling, something is wrong. If a person runs hot then cold, they weren't actually interested in you.

[LenaRea]

Thank you so much for the feedback, Everyone! I appreciate it very much!

 

I do want to clarify two things, just to make sure there’s no confusion or misunderstandings. First, I don’t feel as though I was “used,” per say; I’m an adult who made the choice to become intimate with him. I take full accountability for my actions and choices. The issue is his completely jarring, unexpected, and complete about-face in the span of 12 hours (or less.) His new distance is the opposite of the “him” I thought I knew. Not only the version I’ve grown to know over the past month-ish, but the version of him I’ve known since I met him when I was 18. I do recognize I don’t fully know him, but I really thought I had a pretty good gauge and read of him. Obviously, I was probably wrong. So, it’s in this regard that I feel stupid and foolish.

 

Second, while I was/am willing to see where things would go between us, by no means was I picking out china patterns. If anything, he was the one building a fantasy future for us: one that includes meeting in the middle every weekend, with us eventually buying a house there that we would move to when our children were out of school. I was actually the one trying to pull the reigns in a bit - to temper his enthusiasm with reality. Or at least a little bit of a slow walk lol.

 

A lot of my disappointment stems from the lack of transparency. Before the “meet up” we had incredibly frank, raw, and brutally honest conversations. At least I thought they were. It was in those conversations that I made it clear I don’t have any interest in playing games. Had he been fully forthcoming I probably would have met him anyway, perhaps still made the decision to be intimate. But we would have gone in with a completely different set of expectations, which would have been agreed upon beforehand. He didn’t have to go to the lengths he did (if this is what has really happened, anyway) to get the “Pot of Gold” at the end of the rainbow. I was very clear about this; very clear that I was open to all options - friends, FWB, or truly going for it and seeing if we (in his words) “make each other happy, why shouldn’t we try. Life’s to short not to be in love if you have someone who adds value to your life. Someone who you can love, support, and share life with.” His words. But I made it very clear I prefer honesty above all else and if feelings change or we agree we want something different, we just need open communication. All of it can be figured out to keep us on the same page.

 

This, and the complete change of face, is what bothers me the most. He didn’t have to break through my barriers, create an emotional connection, make the promise of possibilities to be FWB. Again, I’m an adult and I know what that entails. But at least be honorable enough to give me the choice, you know? This is the game I didn’t want to play. I don’t like wasting my time and energy trying to discern what someone “isn’t” saying.

 

I almost hope an ex randomly chose now to try and get him back. As Lotsgoinon said, it’s definitely more painful to think he’s backing off for any other reason. Because, I’m okay with the truth, whatever that may be. Lying, even by omission, is a deal breaker for me. I may not like the truth, but I can handle it. This kind of behavior is just cowardice in my book. I’m disappointed in the idea that he’s spineless. I would have never thought that in a million years....

 

I’ve heard of ghosting, but have never experienced it before. So, I reached out to you all for your expertise and advice, knowing you would all have points of view or experiences I wouldn’t have a frame of reference for; I didn’t have confidence in my gut alone on this one. I thank you so much!!!

 

Lotsgoingon - Thank you for the compliment!! It means a lot because I’m forever worried I don’t express my thoughts clearly enough!! And despite the circumstances, I am glad I took a chance. Proving to myself I am still viable to date and be in a relationship with lol

 

Mrin - You aren’t joking! Changed conduct and behavior is not only very clear & very painful - it is very, very loud lol.

 

I’m definitely not going to be reaching out to him. At a minimum, we both need the space for fresh air and clearer heads, even if I am wrong and he’s not ghosting. Space to just breathe is good too.

 

I’ll keep you all updated!!

Edited April 25, 2019 by LenaRea

[Lotsgoingon]

Lena,

 

You know the older I get, more convinced I am that you really never know how a person is going to react to romance ... Or put it like this ... surprises always happen. People can talk and feel bonded, laughing ... the relationship starts and boom ... some odd chemical reaction occurs. Sometimes we get a smooth and wonderful transition to romance ... after knowing someone for a while ... other times ... nope.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you didn't rush and you made clear that you wanted honesty and transparency ... Sounds like you engaged him in deep and meaning conversations ... all good steps ... all good ways to screen people.

 

I'm going to guess here and say that he probably isn't as emotionally aware as you are ... sounds like he arrived with all-or-nothing thinking ... that either you were it for him ... or nothing ... and after all your conversations, he didn't follow through with openness ...

 

Painful when this happens ... and yet ... when this happens, the other person is displaying their true colors. You get a sense of his level of maturity by how he's acting (and evading you) right now. There's always a leap in romance, always ... the goal is to leap with caution and to avoid trying to jump over mile-wide canyons. Sounds like you did that. That's all that's in your control.

 

And had you not taken the chance after having the flirtatious energy with him all these years, you would have always wondered why you held back.

[Versacehottie]

First you've gotten lots of good feedback, the one thing I feel compelled to say is that you have to forget this whole "we had a serious talk BEFORE where I told him all my needs and about game playing etc." I just have to say that that people who say things like this on this forum bewilder me. It's not like some love contract, dating contract or FWB contract that a serious talk--even with supposed agreement--bonds you to upholding. This is life and dating/romantic interactions: there's no way to know until you KNOW... and you won't know until you've experienced some time together, so anything SAID is b.s. really and it'd be kind of naive to expect someone to stick to a conversation they've had with you because that's not how people decide.

 

They could in their hearts want it to work out but it just doesn't feel right for whatever reason so what would you expect someone to do in this situation? And it's not like a black and white situation for some people. I would guess with his hesitation now and whatever has caused him to communicate less that for whatever unknown reason he's into it less DESPITE whatever he said a week ago or so. That happens, it's life.

[LenaRea]

Hi Versace! I totally agree with you on that...I only bring it up, not because I felt any of those things were written in stone, only to reinforce my expectation of honesty about it. And how clearly I communicated that this was my only wish. Not an expectation of a specific outcome. No one can know going in how things would feel once we met again face to face. Hell, even after one weekend there’s no way to have any idea. It’s far, far too soon in the situation to know any of that or to have real expectations out of it. My ONLY expectation was transparency and honesty. Which is the one thing I haven’t gotten. That’s why my gut feels wrenched and my disappointment is high.

 

Would I be sad if he doesn’t feel the same, sure, of course...who wouldn’t? But I wouldn’t fault him for that at all. You can’t force something that isn’t there. Our only real agreement was to tell each other how we felt throughout, regardless of what that feeling was. That’s all. And that’s what he’s not doing. Instead it’s radio silence. Which, over time is obviously answer enough. We agreed not to waste each other’s time. And that’s what ghosting does, right? Messes with the ghostee’s time and energy.

 

Does that make sense?

Edited April 25, 2019 by LenaRea

[ExpatInItaly]

Second, while I was/am willing to see where things would go between us, by no means was I picking out china patterns. If anything, he was the one building a fantasy future for us: one that includes meeting in the middle every weekend, with us eventually buying a house there that we would move to when our children were out of school. I was actually the one trying to pull the reigns in a bit - to temper his enthusiasm with reality. Or at least a little bit of a slow walk lol.

 

This would have been my clue that I couldn't take this man too seriously, and that he gets carried away with the idea of something.

 

I have found that when people muse about a future together to that degree, before even properly dating, they are trying to fill some void in their lives. Perhaps a recent break-up, maybe a sense of romantic loneliness, some such thing. But it is not usually a good sign of things to come, because reality almost never matches the fantasy they have built up in their heads. These types, in my experience, are also quick to bolt when reality does not meet their pre-fabricated (and often unrealistic) expectations.

 

I agree that he should be honest with you if he lost interest. And maybe he will be yet. It could be that he is thinking of how to tell you that and does not want to give you false hope in the meantime. I don't think your expectation of transparency is too much to ask, but you might be asking from the wrong person. I would give it a little bit to see if he does reach out. If not, you have your answer.

[Redhead14]

This would have been my clue that I couldn't take this man too seriously, and that he gets carried away with the idea of something.

 

She did the same thing. She built this guy/situation up in her head. She fell in love with the dream, the vision she had in her head about all of this. He probably did the same thing really. Getting caught up in romanticizing.

 

And, I agree with Versace, the OPs speech about not playing games and making things clear, etc. and him sounding sincere is not a contract. It would have been silly for this guy to promise her a relationship based on what had gone on/been going on between them up to this point anyway.

 

And, you put a lot of trust in his words, OP. Words don't earn trust. Actions demonstrate that trust is warranted and deserved.

 

OP, would you have felt obligated to continue things if you decided you didn't want to see him again for whatever reason? I get that it's probably the ghosting part that's sticking in your craw, but you've been talking about the perceived "commitment" a lot. The ghosting part is cr*ppy. But given how you're feeling about all this, I don't think it matters much. You're hurt that things didn't work out and would be even if he came out and told you that.

 

Close this chapter as best you can. Don't waste another minute thinking about, analyzing and pining over him. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you.

[stillafool]

When a guy backs off after having sex with you it means he doesn't think you're sexually compatible. It happens. Sex was the deciding factor.

[Versacehottie]

Hi Versace! I totally agree with you on that...I only bring it up, not because I felt any of those things were written in stone, only to reinforce my expectation of honesty about it. And how clearly I communicated that this was my only wish. Not an expectation of a specific outcome. No one can know going in how things would feel once we met again face to face. Hell, even after one weekend there’s no way to have any idea. It’s far, far too soon in the situation to know any of that or to have real expectations out of it. My ONLY expectation was transparency and honesty. Which is the one thing I haven’t gotten. That’s why my gut feels wrenched and my disappointment is high.

 

Would I be sad if he doesn’t feel the same, sure, of course...who wouldn’t? But I wouldn’t fault him for that at all. You can’t force something that isn’t there. Our only real agreement was to tell each other how we felt throughout, regardless of what that feeling was. That’s all. And that’s what he’s not doing. Instead it’s radio silence. Which, over time is obviously answer enough. We agreed not to waste each other’s time. And that’s what ghosting does, right? Messes with the ghostee’s time and energy.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I get that you meant to include being transparent with each other & not wasting each other's time however I still believe that's an impossible "contract" to make. Mainly because you are either both wasting each other's time or there is no waste in the exploring since there is no other way to know if someone is right for you or if you are going to proceed. And people will continue to proceed until they don't anymore. One might argue that he is holding his end up of this better since he is no longer wasting you're time if he wasn't feeling it.

 

What i think as far as transparency is that he is in that limbo place where you don't know if you want to proceed or not so you back off. A prior conversation asking for transparency presumes he can give you some definitive answer at any point in time, which is also not how it works for many people so it's kind of a moot point to try to guarantee it with a conversation IMO. For whatever reason, and they are not all bad, I'd guess he's in that limbo period of not knowing if he wants to move forward with you. BTW, i know many couples who are in long term relationships having survived this period so it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Though there are positive outcomes like I know, I do think the more common thing is that you each built each other up to such a great extent over such a long amount of time, that reality is different than what was expected and that can slow things down to reassess or break it altogether. Good luck

[LenaRea]

Thank you again for all the good feedback! Versace, you make some excellent points with a perspective I definitely hadn’t thought about, not only in regards to the “contract” idea, but also regarding the fact that intentionally or not we both built up the other too much prior to meeting. All of the feedback has really given me some much needed perspective as well as the much needed time to back off myself, to really reflect about the entire situation, to really evaluate what I want overall - what I’m actually looking for - which I needed to do anyway. It has also allowed me to relax a bit, and to try and allow anything that might develop just evolve. I did talk to him briefly yesterday, at his initiation. So, we’ll see if things progress or not. The good news is that I’m feeling much less urgency about trying to “figure out” where things stand. I’m just trying to focus on breathing

 

You guys are the BEST!!!

[Versacehottie]

Yes, it helps to keep your expectations lower, not build things up too much and not make any "promises" to each other because it all helps. If you end up getting caught up in the disappointment of something from any of those avenues, you can get insecure, anxious and angry about an expectation that doesn't really help you anyway with a person you are just getting to know . It will take you off from being your most confident, best self and recognizing who this person REALLY is and what they can/are giving you. It's another unnecessary tangent really. And when a person tends to think something is wrong, they will continue to find other things that are "wrong" because they are in that state of mind. Good luck

[curlygirl40]

This would have been my clue that I couldn't take this man too seriously, and that he gets carried away with the idea of something.

 

I have found that when people muse about a future together to that degree, before even properly dating, they are trying to fill some void in their lives. Perhaps a recent break-up, maybe a sense of romantic loneliness, some such thing. But it is not usually a good sign of things to come, because reality almost never matches the fantasy they have built up in their heads. These types, in my experience, are also quick to bolt when reality does not meet their pre-fabricated (and often unrealistic) expectations.

 

I agree that he should be honest with you if he lost interest. And maybe he will be yet. It could be that he is thinking of how to tell you that and does not want to give you false hope in the meantime. I don't think your expectation of transparency is too much to ask, but you might be asking from the wrong person. I would give it a little bit to see if he does reach out. If not, you have your answer.

 

I'm in this same train of thought about this, sort of. I have found in the past that when people come on too heavy, they lose interest just as quickly. It's like the reality never meets the dream in their head, how could it really? So then all of a sudden they will use words such as 'I wasn't feeling what I thought I should be feeling by this time...' etc.

 

He's probably confused as well because he probably meant those things when he said them. But now he's trying to figure out how to get out of it because he knows he said those things. So he's being more silent. He's trying to figure out how he feels or trying to figure out how to get out of the situation because his feelings have changed.

 

Or maybe after making that long trip he's realizing how difficult this might be to merge your lives together. Only he can say.

[LenaRea]

Very good points. And much needed perspective I should hear. The last thing I actually want to be doing is worrying more about “what he’s thinking or feeling” than what I should be focused on. Which is how his reaction (or non-reaction) is making me feel? I think it’s precisely these circumstances when I lose sight of this and miss the red flags. I’m too focused on them and not on me. Then of course later, the flag seems to come out of nowhere. But right now, these exact moments, are when the flags are clearest in hindsight. I shouldn’t be asking “is he ghosting me? He said blah, blah, blah,” I should really be asking if he’s showing me any respect or consideration or any of things I should actually expect. Regardless, of where things go moving forward. That part doesn’t really matter. I should be asking myself if the way he’s actually acting right now is okay with me or not. Right? (Because apparently I still need someone’s validation lol)

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate all of the comments!! It helps so much to have a sounding board to help clarify my thoughts. Where were you when I was with my last douche-bag

[curlygirl40]

Very good points. And much needed perspective I should hear. The last thing I actually want to be doing is worrying more about “what he’s thinking or feeling” than what I should be focused on. Which is how his reaction (or non-reaction) is making me feel? I think it’s precisely these circumstances when I lose sight of this and miss the red flags. I’m too focused on them and not on me. Then of course later, the flag seems to come out of nowhere. But right now, these exact moments, are when the flags are clearest in hindsight. I shouldn’t be asking “is he ghosting me? He said blah, blah, blah,” I should really be asking if he’s showing me any respect or consideration or any of things I should actually expect. Regardless, of where things go moving forward. That part doesn’t really matter. I should be asking myself if the way he’s actually acting right now is okay with me or not. Right? (Because apparently I still need someone’s validation lol)

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate all of the comments!! It helps so much to have a sounding board to help clarify my thoughts. Where were you when I was with my last douche-bag

 

EXACTLY THIS!! We so many times focus on why are they doing this or blah, blah, blah when what we should be asking is:

 

Does this work for me?

Do I want to date a guy who runs hot and cold?

Does this serve me?

Is this good for me?

Do I want to date a guy who makes me feel this way?

 

The guy you are supposed to be with will not make you stay up at night questioning his actions. If he cared about you, he would care about how he's making you feel right now.

 

F that noise

 

Next.