ekaterina Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 Hello, I would like to ask you advice about this situation I am in. I've been in a relationship just 2 times, and both of men tried to complain that I try to control them. When I start catching feeling with somebody, I feel that I want to be in contact with them, want to know them better, spend more time. Plan vacations when they are being busy with their stuff. Help them to feel better. I am sensitive and a bit clingy person and I enjoy talking to them (texting, calling. but not like 10 times a day) That's my way of taking care of people that they call it a way of controlling. So more I try to make everything interesting, more scared they get What can I do to balance the situation? How am I supposed to be who I am and also don't look like I try to be dominant. Have a nice day!
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 try not to expect any thing from him, so he will not feel like he has to be or do something in relation to you also the "10 times" comment makes me wonder if you are mocking somewhat (even sneering a bit) his genuine need for time on his own
basil67 Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 What kind of expectations did you have of these men and how they should behave with you?
Author ekaterina Posted April 24, 2019 Author Posted April 24, 2019 What kind of expectations did you have of these men and how they should behave with you? In my first, both of us wanted to have serious relationship, were feeling good together and wanted to build a family. So when there was some problems with his time, I was trying to manage it by being active. In the beginning he was pleased that problems were solved by me but then he told me with acting by this way I was trying to control our relationship and pushing him to make decisions. (ended up by getting tired of his excuses) Second relationship was ldr, and by the reason we both were busy, I was planning some trips together, flying to him couple of times. Just because he asked me that he is very busy from work and sometimes I should push him to relax. (ended up by admitting having bipolar character) I feel that I am the only one who tries so much to build a relationship. But controlling? Am I choosing wrong matches or I need to work on myself by being more calm?
Gretchen12 Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 Probably a bit of both. The men were probably not very good matches for you. Even so, you need to let men be the ones doing things for you. It makes them feel needed. Good men like to take care of you and that's how they become attached. 1
Blind-Sided Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 My STBxW did a lot for me. And I loved her for that. But she also let me have my hobbies, and some alone time with friends. (guys, so no jealousy issues) And, I travel for work, so she got time alone too. I personally think that is important. But, when I traveled... unless I needed something, I will only call her at the end of the day, when I was back in my hotel. Even early on, in our relationship... I (or her) would only call once a day, around lunch to she how our day was going. (desk jobs) I too like the interaction of the one I love. BUT... if I was with someone who called me 4,5,6 times a day. (so not 10) I may feel like I was being check in on too much, and I'm sure I would feel suffocated. (assuming the calls weren't for real household questions) Also, as far as booking travel... did you just do it, and tell him after? or was it a mutual thing, and then you did it? TO me, it sounds like you surprised him with the outcome, and didn't talk about it beforehand. Now, if guy #2 was bipolar... then it's irrelevant. He would say one thing, and feel another. I'm honestly thinking this is the problem with my STBxW. Because she claims that I don't let he go out, but I'm the one saying she needs to get with her friend's and get a hobby. And she says I didn't give her alone time, but I travel for work, and am gone a week at a time. (but I like to do the shopping with her when I was home) Anyway... I think it's a little hard to say from this end of the keyboard, because I'm not getting the entire picture. but since there has been 2 people say you are controlling... you may want to take a step back and reflect on how you see yourself "Helping" your significant other.
Foxhall Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 Balance is important, being caring without being obsessive, you seem like a nice person though 1
d0nnivain Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 (edited) Especially in the beginning, many men like to be in control, to be the planners, to take the lead. I am a very Alpha female who is used to being in charge. It is hard for me to sit on my hands & let somebody else set the pace especially if it's slower or more inefficient then I want but that is exactly what you must to. When the man is busy you sit & wait. You do not jump into manage his time & to function like some sort of an Administrative Assistant solving his scheduling problems. You fill your own time & show by your actions that you have other stuff goin on your life, besides him. When you rush to fill in the blanks in his free time you smother him by not giving him the chance to do things that aren't with you. My husband is not a planner. I love the man but he can't organize his way out of a paper bag. We had a nasty fight on the first morning of our HM. After an overnight flight to Europe from the US, after the whirlwind of our wedding & a death in my family (all within the immediate past 72 hours), we arrived at 5:00 a.m. local time & I learned he left all of the vouchers & everything else we needed from the travel agent for our next two weeks on the dining room table. He didn't forget. He just thought the documents weren't important. This was before everything was electronic & you could just pull up an email. We had to sit in the airport until 9:00 a.m. when the travel agency opened. Shortly after that I assumed the reigns of control for every aspect of our travel & viola no more mishaps like that. But in the beginning of dating, it's no can do. You sit back & let the guy entertain & spoil you, not in an entitled princess way but be way less accommodating & helpful Your statement that in your 1st relationship you wanted to build a "family" is way over the top. That level of intensity is inappropriate until you have been together a few years. Any talk of marriage & family during the 1st year other then in the most general terms -- someday I'd like to get married & have kids -- is going to get you labeled clingy & undesirable. Edited April 24, 2019 by d0nnivain 1
bathtub-row Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 You actions do come across as controlling and as ‘the fixer’. You may want to read John Gray’s ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ book. I think you’ll understand why men are interpreting your actions as controlling. You seem to have a problem trusting that the man can do the things you do - make plans, etc. If he can’t do that on his own initiative, then the two of you aren’t a good match. It’s great that you’re proactive but you need to direct those energies into the personal things you do and not in the relationship. 2
BaileyB Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 I think in at least the last case, you were more invested in having a relationship than the man. You didn’t actually have a relationship with him - he went back to his life, and you tried to follow him... the reason why he felt you were controlling was because he wanted a fling with you, he didn’t actually want to date you. Pick the right man, who reciprocates your interest, and you won’t have the same problem.
elaine567 Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 First guy was a doctor and doctors tend NOT to be people who like being told what to do. Their work comes first and by necessity so do they... that it how it tends to work. Second guy was 38 and you are 23. Older guys looking for a younger woman usually do so because HE likes to be in control and tell HER what to do. This may be less about you and more about the guys you chose to date. 2
Lisa_Lisa Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 Hello, I would like to ask you advice about this situation I am in. I've been in a relationship just 2 times, and both of men tried to complain that I try to control them. When I start catching feeling with somebody, I feel that I want to be in contact with them, want to know them better, spend more time. Plan vacations when they are being busy with their stuff. Help them to feel better. I am sensitive and a bit clingy person and I enjoy talking to them (texting, calling. but not like 10 times a day) That's my way of taking care of people that they call it a way of controlling. So more I try to make everything interesting, more scared they get What can I do to balance the situation? How am I supposed to be who I am and also don't look like I try to be dominant. Have a nice day! You have insecurity issues that you need to deal with on your own. No man on earth can be your sole source of happiness. The more you give, the more a man thinks of you as his mother. A man loves when he gives to the woman, and he will continue to give when he is unsure of her feelings for him because you remain a mystery and a challenge. You're giving him everything on a silver platter, that's boring and then if you mention everything that you've done for him, it's more for them to be grateful to you and give you what you want. I'm assuming that's more attention and communication. That's not how a relationship works. A man needs to feel an urgency to be a part of YOUR world. If you have no world then there is no need and the two people will just float on with resentment and eventual breakup. Get a life, get some friends, participate in extra curricular activities, meet new people, find a hobby. Don't just stay at home thinking of him and wondering why he hasn't texted you back or asked to see you. That's too much pressure on a man and if you continue to be this way, all men will leave you. Create a world that will draw people in because you'll be giving off such great energy and an aura unlike others. Be happy and carefree, happiness begets happy situations. Never make a man responsible for your happiness. 1
smackie9 Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 I think your perception of caring means, taking care of every aspect of their life as you put it "help them feel better". You need to let men take the lead. And generally people want to be themselves, and make decisions at their own pace, and think for themselves. You need to back off and let things flow naturally. Do things for them when they ask you to. OR you ask them if they would like you to set up plans. I wouldn't say controlling but I get the impression you push the point way too much.
preraph Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 Men want a lover, not a parent. Checking in with him multiple times a day is just boring and time-consuming and clingy. It only reflects your own insecurity. Most people need some space and don't want to be constantly prodded and pressured. Your insecuriy is a problem you probably need to work on in therapy. Treating someone like a child that you feel you have the right to monitor and keep track of put you in a parental role and no one wants to have sex with their Mommy.
Hopeful30 Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 Can you provide examples about how are you "active" when working on a relationship?
Hopeful30 Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 I feel that I am the only one who tries so much to build a relationship. But controlling? Am I choosing wrong matches or I need to work on myself by being more calm? Maybe they think you are controlling because you are trying to make a serious relationship without letting it flow naturally? You are putting in lots of effort from what you say, but men seem to push you away when this happens. Maybe they feel you want too much too soon?
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