Being called a really nasty insult in my relationship - not sure whether to dump him

[Amethyst68]

You have to decide what is your line in the sand in the sand and stick to it. Where I live in the UK, in Scotland swearing has become part of everyday language for a large part of the population and these are not necessarily the ones you would expect them to be by looking at them. It's almost part of the culture got both sexes and has actually got quite inventive! A lot of the people I know would think nothing of calling someone that and would be surprised they were offended, it's just a word they use.

 

 

Having said that I don't swear, I wasn't brought up that way, my parents were older, anyway I've found that most people respect my boundaries. Oh there's mild swearing but they tend not to go overboard when I'm around.

 

 

 

This guy's anger would be more of an issue to me and would need to be addressed before anything else.

[basil67]

A lot of the people I know would think nothing of calling someone that and would be surprised they were offended, it's just a word they use.

 

I think it's not so much the word, but the intention and tone behind it. One can also call their partner an idiot and it can be either endearing or offensive depending on the context. One friend once said to her partner "why do you love me?" and he replied "because you're an idiot". Totally different to calling her a fkn idiot when they are arguing.

 

In the case of the OP, he didn't call her that with affection. He said it in the middle of a fight with anger. If someone is surprised that the latter could be offensive, then they are a few cells short of a brain.

Edited April 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

I think it's not so much the word, but the intention and tone behind it. .

 

Very true. In my family, we will sometimes call someone a “jerk.” It was used, almost as a term of endearment (ie. “you are being silly, you jerk!”). I didn’t think anything of it until the day that I said it to my boyfriend and he was offended. I realized, that word had a very different meaning to him. And, he was especially sensitive because he grew up with a difficult mother and he had a very unhappy marriage - I have no idea what these women have said to him in the past... But, after seeing the look on his face, I vowed never to say it again...

Edited April 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Versacehottie]

 

He did apologise and we made up in person but when I got home I felt awful, I texted him and told him I need time to work out if I can forgive this and I'll contact him when I'm ready. I also told him no way are we ready to move in together and that he has anger issues. He took it very badly and sent me texts blaming me for the whole thing and called me crazy, sending stuff like 'whatever, I'm bored of talking about this now'. He also said I was just looking for an excuse for dump him because I'd had a change of heart before this happened (not true).

 

What would you do in my place?

 

So wait after he "apologized" he then followed that up within hours with MORE berating and his own disguised insecurity?? What does that tell you about someone who MEANS they are sorry? What does that tell you about his ability to control his impulses? And what does that tell you about his likely future behavior? And how he choses to communicate on topics?

 

The fact that it's about as fresh as possible as it could have been in his mind since the actual arguing just had happened a few hours before is very telling. No real remorse and more verbal abuse. That's his go-to and seems like he is going to have a very very difficult time breaking that habit if not impossible for him.

 

Listen, on your end you seemed like you accepted his apology as you said you two "made up" and then it seems like you opened the whole subject back up again--while his behavior is far more troubling, this is your part that you should try to work on in the future. If you accept someone's apology, don't take them on another roller coaster about it later. That was probably part of his trigger (not that how he handled it is acceptable) but it's not going to go over well with a healthy person either. If you want your own words and actions to mean something, you should stick to what you say or reserve deciding on it until a later point--rather than what you did which was accept the apology and then reconsider. It weakens what you say and do, and adds volatility to any relationship. Anyway that's just a little thing to work on for you. He's the major problem, and i think you should dump him. Good luck

[Carly1983]

Update: the idiot got dumped last night anyway. I told him it was because of the verbal abuse and the disrespect he heaped on top of it just hours later.

I blocked him on my phone, Facebook and email.

 

I had some stuff over at his place but I am writing it off, and conveniently moving at the end of the month so he won't know where I live.

 

Half way through Lundy Bancroft's book which I spent last night reading, and I do believe this man was an abuser. He may not have got physical, but he was verbally and emotionally abusing me throughout the relationship, and the gaslighting never stopped - everything I felt, thought and did was not quite right, in his eyes.

 

I am relieved it is over.

[BaileyB]

Good for you! Now on to better things...

[Carly1983]

Listen, on your end you seemed like you accepted his apology as you said you two "made up" and then it seems like you opened the whole subject back up again--while his behavior is far more troubling, this is your part that you should try to work on in the future. If you accept someone's apology, don't take them on another roller coaster about it later. That was probably part of his trigger (not that how he handled it is acceptable) but it's not going to go over well with a healthy person either. If you want your own words and actions to mean something, you should stick to what you say or reserve deciding on it until a later point--rather than what you did which was accept the apology and then reconsider. It weakens what you say and do, and adds volatility to any relationship. Anyway that's just a little thing to work on for you. He's the major problem, and i think you should dump him. Good luck

 

Your post actually mentioned the reasons I accepted his apology and then did a 180 later.

 

He clearly didn't mean the apology!

 

Hours after apologising, he was sending me disrespectful messages full of contempt and used a sensitive story from my past I had told him that morning to criticise me and f--k with my head. People that love you do not do this.

 

In addition, that evening he was trying to convince me I had bipolar disorder because he felt there was something wrong with me. He was so insistent I looked up the symptoms and even took a quiz, and it didn't match how I function in life (don't have big highs or lows).

 

So, I don't care if I contributed volatility to the relationship and no I won't be "working on this" - being around my ex was a mindf--k from start to finish, one minute he was reasonable, the next he was tearing me to bits or trying to convince he I was nuts, and there was no chance of a peaceful relationship with him, where apologies get accepted and forgiveness is extended because the people in the relationship genuinely care for one another, and mean what they say.

 

That's not how this was.

[Carly1983]

I've only mentioned bits of the bad behaviour on this thread. The Lundy Bancroft book I read last night has made me face up to the rest

 

He used to kick and throw my things when he didn't get his way, try to convince me I was mentally unstable on the regular (the bipolar thing was just the latest attempt to undermine me), he regularly humiliated me in front of his friends (just this weekend, he grabbed and squeezed my boob in front of a friend I was meeting for the first time, luckily his friend didn't see but I was furious.)

 

He wasn't interested in meeting any of my friends and family and didn't want anything to do with them, and often criticised them in spite of never having met them (possibly because he planned on isolating me? Or maybe because he was just selfish - I'm not sure).

 

He regularly told me I was lazy and stupid despite the fact I do well in my career and work long hours. The sulking and stonewalling and silence reared its head often, whenever he had to make some effort he didn't want to make.

 

And through it all, he would blame me for his own missteps, probably so I would be more likely to put up with it. He often apologised but never changed his behaviour, sometimes reverting back to the same old bad behaviour the second the apology left his mouth, so his apologies were empty and meaningless as far as I was concerned.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, you were in an abusive relationship. His behavior toward you was very abusive.

 

I’m glad you ended it.

[Gretchen12]

Good job!

 

I had some stuff over at his place but I am writing it off, and conveniently moving at the end of the month so he won't know where I live.

 

This alone tells me you have been abused.

[bathtub-row]

These guys — they love to make the other person think something is wrong with them, even though their own behavior is so obviously off, they love to criticize your friends and family because their goal is to isolate you from all others, they love to make you think you’re worthless, and try very hard to sabotage your career so that you lose your job and become even more dependent on them. Do you see the strategy here? Their ultimate goal is to control you completely. It’s not about love, it’s about the powerful feeling they get from having that kind of control. But, deep down, they know that humans are unpredictable and control rarely lasts.

 

I’m so glad you ended it! And that you read Bancroft’s book. Be prepared for him to come groveling back.

[bathtub-row]

Your post actually mentioned the reasons I accepted his apology and then did a 180 later.

 

You had every right to change your mind and decide that you couldn’t accept his behavior. Many of us have delayed reactions to things; we need time to think them over. As I said, people who have not been with people like this, have no clue about what a seriously twisted situation it is.

 

Make no apologies and don’t look back. It has been over 15 years since I left the guy is was with and I couldn’t feel happier or freer. Can you imagine if I had stayed with him all that time? I would be merely a shell of the person I am. Deal with whatever heartache this break up causes you because, once you’re past that hurdle, you’ll never go back. And you’ll learn that you can spot abusers very quickly from here on out.

[gradh]

 

So, I don't care if I contributed volatility to the relationship and no I won't be "working on this" - being around my ex was a mindf--k from start to finish,

 

I'm happy to read you have broken free of him and his abusive ways. I am going to suggest that instead of feeling like you have nothing to work on, you work on figuring out why you've let not one, but two abusive partners into your life and allowed them to stay for way to long.

 

Some individual counseling on this might be very beneficial to help you choose more wisely next time.

 

I hope this isn't coming across as snotty or mean. I truly mean is as helpful advice. I've been where you are and the thought of going back into a relationship like that is terrifying to me.

 

Having left a relationship like this, I can tell you that he will probably try to win you back. Be prepared for that and stand your ground. You've done a good thing in leaving him.

 

I wish you good luck!!

[alphamale]

What would you do in my place?

 

pack up and move to new zealand

[preraph]

One thing I always tell people is before they commit a person like living together or getting engaged, they need to be with them long enough to see what they're like in adverse circumstances (illness, car trouble, stuck in traffic like you were) and also when they don't get their way. Because that's when you see how they're going to be once they take you for granted and don't care to impress you anymore. That is what you just observed.

 

So now you have this information. Of course, you don't move in, and I guess it's up to how you are emotionally whether you can still make love to that. I wouldn't.

[Carly1983]

He came round and tried to worm him way back in with lame excuses and BS. No way. I told him he didn't respect me and his behaviour showed that very plainly. He replied "respect has to be earned". Wrong answer buddy.

 

I have done extensive therapy in the past but I am meeting up with my therapist again this week to discuss what happened with my ex.

 

I came from an abusive family and cut contact with them a while back however there has been a family member still in my life who has been encouraging this relationship with my ex. When I shared information about disrespectful things he did, they told me it was my fault and I realise they have been encouraging me to accept the abuse. I only want to associate with positive, healthy, supportive people going forward, not people who think it is my role in life to be a punching bag.

[Curiousroxy86]

Good job OP! I love how you didn’t cave especially recognizing his bs with that remark about respect. “Wrong answer buddy” indeed!

[basil67]

Respect has to be earned! Bahaha. I agree with Roxy that it's great you recognised this as a fail.

[preraph]

That family member is just trying to validate how they are by trying to make other people do the same as they would do. They are not your friend.

[Carly1983]

That family member is just trying to validate how they are by trying to make other people do the same as they would do. They are not your friend.

 

I realise this. I decided to cut ties with that person this week. It's painful because it means I don't know when I will see my beloved nieces again (it's their mother who pretends to be a friend but has betrayed me over the years in various ways) which is why I've hung on so long to the unhealthy connection with her. I care about my nieces but I'm not going to sacrifice my wellbeing by being treated badly. Will send my nieces cards and presents and hope they get passed on, but sadly not sure I'll be seeing them again until they're older.

Edited June 11, 2019 by Carly1983

[Redhead14]

If he had called me a jerk, I'd be more OK with that.

 

It's the choice of the word (c--t) it was said with venom. It's like he chose the worst word he could think of and then said it with as much spite as he could muster.

 

What upset me was how quickly he completely lost it, and what he lost it over (a traffic jam that had dispersed by the time we went back.)

 

Oh, yes. That word is a deal breaker. "1 strike you're out" with that alone. and then the additional nastiness when you let him know that it hurt you and you needed a little time. Done. Good riddance.

[Interstellar]

You’re on and off with this guy, that tells me it ain’t gonna last.

 

Break up with him for good and tell him all the mistakes he did, and tell him to not date another woman until he worked on his issues so he won’t make the same mistakes with the next woman in the next relationship.

[Carly1983]

He got dumped for good several weeks back.

[rightondude]

I know it was tough given all the circumstances and relations built up, but you did the right thing. When you said he kicked your stuff after arguments that did it for me. The words were terrible but in the back of my head I kept thinking maybe he was about to piss himself which would lead to me acting (not that) crazy myself. Or just jumping out of the car in traffic. We're dudes one of the main benefits of being a dude is we can take care of it, not call our women the C word.

 

Sorry just wanted to bring a little levity....

[guest569]

He got dumped for good several weeks back.

 

Sorry but you did the right thing, especially given his 'respect has to be earned'. Gosh.. in some instances respect and trust is built over time. In a relationship, respect is kinda a prerequisite. It's a given. Was that really all he had to say? Ugh! Poor you. Good riddance.