Being called a really nasty insult in my relationship - not sure whether to dump him

[Thingsfallapart]

Carly,

Are you American?

You’re not working class from London?

[PegNosePete]

The word or his class or his nationality are irrelevant at this point. There are SO MANY red flags here, it's unbelievable. Stop placing so much emphasis on that one word and look how terrible this relationship is. Then start showing some respect to yourself and get rid of this loser.

[Carly1983]

I'm not American. My mother is English so I have residency, my dad is Canadian was in the military and I was brought up all over the world but this was the first time I've heard people throw the word c--t around with such abandon.

[ExpatInItaly]

You probably should have ended this relationship a while ago, OP.

 

What has kept you in such an unhappy position with him?

[Carly1983]

The word or his class or his nationality are irrelevant at this point. There are SO MANY red flags here, it's unbelievable. Stop placing so much emphasis on that one word and look how terrible this relationship is. Then start showing some respect to yourself and get rid of this loser.

 

Yes, I have made my decision Peg nose. He needs to be gone from my life. There's just no going back from what happened at the weekend.

[Thingsfallapart]

No, I think the guy sounds like a bit of a twat but I think she needs to communicate with him exactly how she feels and explain that his words hurt her... relationships are about communicating what you like and dislike.

If she communicates to him that his words hurt and she doesn’t like those words and he says them again she should end it at that time.

 

To summerise, Carly, you’re thinking about breaking up, what you’ve said is a pretty much compatible relationship because he said a word that working class men from London use almost endearingly,,,

 

I think in your heart of hearts you know that your bf was right. You decided to break up with him a while ago and are using this an excuse, right?

Edited April 23, 2019 by Thingsfallapart

[ExpatInItaly]

To summerise, Carly, you’re thinking about breaking up, what you’ve said is a pretty much compatible relationship because he said a word that working class men from London use almost endearingly,,,

 

She has said almost exactly the opposite. I think you need to read the thread in its entirety. You appear to have missed the other details she gave which paint a dire picture of the relationship, regardless of the latest incident.

 

It is really not just about this single word. At all.

[Carly1983]

No, I think the guy sounds like a bit of a twat but I think she needs to communicate with him exactly how she feels and explain that his words hurt her... relationships are about communicating what you like and dislike.

If she communicates to him that his words hurt and she doesn’t like those words and he says them again she should end it at that time.

 

To summerise, Carly, you’re thinking about breaking up, what you’ve said is a pretty much compatible relationship because he said a word that working class men from London use almost endearingly,,,

 

I think in your heart of hearts you know that your bf was right. You decided to break up with him a while ago and are using this an excuse, right?

 

Not sure it's an excuse or if you have read the post on the previous page about all the problems in our relationship - the drinking, the lack of appreciation, the criticism (on his part).

 

This feels like the last straw rather than a one-off, out-of-the-blue occurrence that relates to a cultural difference in how people use the word c--t.

 

Have posted it below in case you missed it, and care to read.

 

Not only has he never wanted to meet anyone important to me, he just doesn't show enough interest in my life. He's had periods where he just doesn't reply to anything and then calls me up as if nothing's happened. When we argue, he often stonewalls me. I'm lucky if he even engages, and if he does, it's to lose his temper.

 

He's called me a spastic before, as mentioned. He puts me down a lot teasingly and then tells me he's joking and it's all banter. I am a bit of sick of that to be honest. I've asked him repeatedly to tone it down to no avail.

 

The same day this happened, I told him a sensitive story from my past and he used it against me to criticise me. I could go on. He drinks too much (he says he does it out of boredom and will stop when we move in together).

 

He criticises my line of work and doesn't seem to respect it much even though I've won multiple awards. He seems jealous or unsupportive.

 

He never comes to visit me and rarely takes me out - I always have to go to his house otherwise we wouldn't see each other. He says it's because he likes a beer after work and won't be able to drive home. He makes set plans that are chosen by him and doesn't want to do anything that isn't in his plan, and I often have to go along for the ride (I think that's why he lost his temper and called me a c--t).

 

I actually think he wants to move in with me to halve his bills, have someone to have sex with, companionship and cooking (I'm a chef).

 

So yes, the relationship has a lot of problems. I think this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's not all been terrible there have been good times in between. I love him very much but I am worried about where it's going and I'm walking on eggshells all the time which is not a good sign.

 

As mentioned in my original post, I was in a relationship with someone who socked me in the face about 10 years ago. It seemed out of the blue but looking back it was preceded by months of the sort of emotional manipulation my current partner likes to engage in, and some verbal abuse shortly before. I'm not saying this one will hit me, but in some ways I've been here before and I'm wary.

[Thingsfallapart]

She has said almost exactly the opposite. I think you need to read the thread in its entirety. You appear to have missed the other details she gave which paint a dire picture of the relationship, regardless of the latest incident.

 

It is really not just about this single word. At all.

 

No Expat

She said this

 

I thought we were getting closer and we were talking about moving in together. We get on extremely well and have a lot of laughs and fun together, we have great sex and we have similar interests.

[Thingsfallapart]

Not sure it's an excuse or if you have read the post on the previous page about all the problems in our relationship - the drinking, the lack of appreciation, the criticism (on his part).

 

This feels like the last straw rather than a one-off, out-of-the-blue occurrence that relates to a cultural difference in how people use the word c--t.

 

Have posted it below in case you missed it, and care to read.

 

But you also said;

 

I thought we were getting closer

and we were talking about moving in together.

We get on

extremely well

and have

a lot of laughs and

fun together,

we have great sex

and

we have similar interests.

[Carly1983]

I've given so much feedback - he doesn't change and the bad behaviour actually usually comes after me setting a boundary or asking him not to do something. It's like he does it on purpose to rebel against what I've asked. i've asked for him to go to counselling for the other times he's yelled in my face and scared me. He refused.

 

Bottom line is, he doesn't respect me.

 

Yes, we also have good times. Really good times, it's why I've stayed. But there comes a point when the bad outweighs the good.

[Thingsfallapart]

Relationships take a lot of hard work.

 

I think you aren’t communicating your honest feelings with this guy...

 

Have you really communicated with him and given him a second chance?

Edited April 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Carly1983]

Thingsfallapart - please see post above.

 

I've given so much feedback - he doesn't change and the bad behaviour actually usually comes after me setting a boundary or asking him not to do something. It's like he does it on purpose to rebel against what I've asked. i've asked for him to go to counselling for the other times he's yelled in my face and scared me. He refused.

 

Bottom line is, he doesn't respect me.

 

Yes, we also have good times. Really good times, it's why I've stayed. But there comes a point when the bad outweighs the good.

 

I've communicated my feelings until I'm blue in the face. I've asked for counselling.

 

I find that he treats me with more respect when I don't ever ask anything of him or express any needs, boundaries, desires or opinions. As long as I don't ask anything of him and do everything he wants me to, we're all good.

 

That's not healthy though.

[guest569]

My ex called me a cow and went off his head at me once too and it really made me stop and rethink the relationship. It might not sound significant but the word 'cow' to me is just as bad as 'cant' I stayed around but his anger would come out again now and then and shock, hurt and upset me every time. Even in situations where we were having fun and having laughs, then suddenly he would start yelling and being nasty. What kept me? Most of the time it was awesome. Those bad times just outweighed it though.

[guest569]

Relationships take a lot of hard work.

 

I think you aren’t communicating your honest feelings with this guy...

 

Have you really communicated with him and given him a second chance?

Nope.

You just decided and didn’t want to feel guilty about dumping the guy so came here to a bunch of strangers, mostly middle class, American woman over 40 because you knew they would validate your decision.

 

That is pretty c____ish Carly ��

 

Have you ever been in this situation before? One thing that I found difficult is that.. if a person lashes out like this.. it is part of their character. They apologise and seem remorseful but then they do it again because they can't seem to control the anger and the harsh words. As for the criticism and jealously, more nasty character traits. Yes, relationships take work.. but it's hard to change a person's character, actions, thoughts, personality. What can be fixed, and what is broken and can't be fixed??

[elaine567]

It is not "English people" in general, it is a certain demographic that tend to use the word "c*nt" in conversation, and as for "Spas"... no words.

 

"Disabled people in the United Kingdom consider "spastic" to be one of the most offensive terms related to disability."

[Thingsfallapart]

To be honest I was on your side. The guy sounds like a loser but I’m from London and wanted to give a contrarian view.

[Carly1983]

It is not "English people" in general, it is a certain demographic that tend to use the word "c*nt" in conversation, and as for "Spas"... no words.

 

"Disabled people in the United Kingdom consider "spastic" to be one of the most offensive terms related to disability."

 

Calling someone a spastic ..It's denigrating mentally disabled people and being disrespectful towards someone else at the same time.

 

I'm not compatible with anyone who does this.

[Gretchen12]

Things happen that cause people to lose feelings for the other person. These things cause breakup: you lost respect for him, you no longer trust him. Once the feeling is gone, you can't get it back. Of course we make a distinction between feeling angry after a row and actual loss of feeling for the other person.

 

You still keep saying you love him. Do you? For me I can't love someone that I don't respect. I can take a lot of insults, they roll off my back but I've high standards and I need a man I can be proud of.

 

When you stop saying you love him, then you no longer need a reason or people's advice to leave him. You'll know what to do. (psst.. Having fun times together is not love.)

[Lisa_Lisa]

You know what you have to do. IGNORE HIM.....I'm talking about your bf. Ghost his sorry ass so he's left wondering analyzing what he did wrong.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, he is a working class, brash guy and a bit of a man child. If you know the character Smithy from 'Gavin & Stacey' he reminds me a lot of him (bit of an idiot really.)

 

But I don't think he is only guilty of being a brash Brit. I see your point though about how English people use this word.

 

My ex was also English and, despite the differences in language, there’s no excuse for such maniacal behavior. Name calling is the least of what this guy did.

[bathtub-row]

No, I think the guy sounds like a bit of a twat but I think she needs to communicate with him exactly how she feels and explain that his words hurt her... relationships are about communicating what you like and dislike.

If she communicates to him that his words hurt and she doesn’t like those words and he says them again she should end it at that time.

 

To summerise, Carly, you’re thinking about breaking up, what you’ve said is a pretty much compatible relationship because he said a word that working class men from London use almost endearingly,,,

 

I think in your heart of hearts you know that your bf was right. You decided to break up with him a while ago and are using this an excuse, right?

 

People who haven’t been in a verbally abusive relationship simply cannot understand the dynamics. Even therapists get it wrong. This idea of communicating with them, reasoning with them, etc is what keeps women trapped in these relationships for years. These people are not normal and they use every kind instinct a person has against them. Everything you think you know about them is wrong. This is a very damaging relationship that CANNOT BE FIXED.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, we also have good times. Really good times, it's why I've stayed. But there comes a point when the bad outweighs the good.

 

In the book I recommended, the author points out that even the good times are a part of the abuse. That really struck me hard when I read that. It’s all a part of the game they play and they know they can’t be openly abusive 100% of the time. They also know that those good times are the hook that keeps a person there...and confused.

[Carly1983]

People who haven’t been in a verbally abusive relationship simply cannot understand the dynamics. Even therapists get it wrong. This idea of communicating with them, reasoning with them, etc is what keeps women trapped in these relationships for years.

 

Yes, it is like going round in circles where you think you might have made headway getting on the same page, and then the next day you realise you wasted your time. But they're so attractive, fun and exciting that you force yourself to forget for a few hours, have a laugh with them, semi forgive them, and find yourself back at square one. Repeat ad nauseum, week after week. Thank you for the validation.

[Tristian]

Thread reopened after clean-up. Moving forward I'd like to remind everyone to make use of the ALERT US function rather then engaging with disruptive posters.