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Being called a really nasty insult in my relationship - not sure whether to dump him

Carly1983

By Carly1983
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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

Posted
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I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months.

 

We have had problems in the relationship in the past and it's been on and off for a while (partly because I travelled and spend months out of the country.) However, we got back together a few months ago now that I am back and I thought we were getting closer and we were talking about moving in together. We get on extremely well and have a lot of laughs and fun together, we have great sex and we have similar interests.

 

Anyway, on our way back from a restaurant this weekend, I realised we would be sort of passing my sister's land (and she was spending the day there). He had dodged every opportunity to meet my family and friends. I sort of sprung it on him and suggested we go visit and meet her, just briefly. I've met some of his family but he's never seemed interested in meeting mine. He was resistant but also needed to use the restroom so agreed.

 

However, we saw very heavy traffic on our way there because it turns out there was a festival we didn't know about and he realised we'd be sitting in that traffic on our way back. He turned nasty and started yelling and berating me about my decision to make this detour (because of the traffic it meant we'd probably miss our plans for the evening, which were plans we could easily reschedule as it was just a walk around a lake.) I got the strong impression he really didn't want to meet her and he seemed really nervous. I got upset and said, "fine, sit in the car, if you really don't want to go in." He then said "why are you being such a c--t".

 

I said "OK, we'll not go" and turned the car around. Then he started yelling about how we were now sitting in the traffic for nothing and called me crazy, and where was he going to go to use the restroom etc. So I turned around and went back, actually feeling like a crazy person by that point.

 

We ended up going to visit my sister but it was very tense as we'd just had the worst row ever and were trying to act normal.

 

When we got out I cried. I was absolutely horrified and furious.

 

And then on the way back, the traffic had dispersed anyway and there was no traffic jam. So all that anger and nastiness was for nothing! We even had time for a lake walk.

 

How do you come back from a thing like this?

 

He called me a spastic once before too, in a nasty way, for some mistake I made that was silly, and we had a blazing row about it. I'm not sure I can give him another chance.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

 

He did apologise and we made up in person but when I got home I felt awful, I texted him and told him I need time to work out if I can forgive this and I'll contact him when I'm ready. I also told him no way are we ready to move in together and that he has anger issues. He took it very badly and sent me texts blaming me for the whole thing and called me crazy, sending stuff like 'whatever, I'm bored of talking about this now'. He also said I was just looking for an excuse for dump him because I'd had a change of heart before this happened (not true).

 

He does have a foul mouth and throws these kinds of words out, in a sort of banter sometimes about his friends. But it was said with real venom. And he heaped blame and contempt on me the day after as if it was all my fault which made it worse. He claims to love me and wants to move in together but his attitude absolutely stinks.

 

I was in an abusive relationship (briefly) before with someone who hit me, once. I left immediately but I am very wary of any kind of abuse now, verbal, or emotional because I know it can be a slippery slope. I don't think this guy would ever hit me, but with insults like that and then the emotional abuse that followed it, it felt like being punched in the gut but with words.

 

What would you do in my place?

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
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Leave him. He’s verbally abusive and it will only get worse over time. I was with someone like that once and a very similar incident happened where he raged at me like a complete maniac over absolutely nothing. These guys love to pull stunts like this, especially when they’re on unfamiliar territory. They are very mentally sick and there’s no fix for them - other than permanently drugging them heavily or shooting them. Lol.

 

Seriously, don’t put up with a man who has no control over his anger and who calls you horrible names. His apologies mean absolutely nothing. He already knows that what he did was really bad and that you’re likely to dump him over it. Don’t listen to any of his lies about how sorry he is. He’ll try anything to suck you in and keep you there. You know how this will end if you stay with this jerk.

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Blind-Sided Established Member

Blind-Sided

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Yep... that's uncalled for. I may yell, and get upset... but I've never called someone a name like that.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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A man would only call me that once... and I would be done.

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

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Thank you bathtub-row for the thoughtful response

 

thanks to everyone who responded.

Edited by Carly1983
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Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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In this particular instance I'm going with everyone else and say you need to get out, this would be a case of the tip of the iceberg as well...

 

If he is like this for no reason then what will happen during a time when he will be tested.. he will fail.. maybe even get physical.

 

IMO it would be different if the row included you going apeshiot but this wasn't the case, there is absolutely no reason for him to even be upset let alone upset to the point of name calling.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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name calling leaves scars...and where those scars are you become sort of numb to the name calling....my mum was over my place and my ex let loose with a barrage of name calling calling me a f...ing idiot and dumb and a retard for letting the dog out.....i had just gotten home from a weekend at my mums.....and i was relaxed and cheerful....not for long.......i had an armful of baggage so i couldnt stop the dog from barging past me.....

 

one of the reasons this ex and i didnt work out was because of emotional abuse.....but i know his history and i am and my family is the only true family he has....my mum said she was shaking and biting her tongue not wanting to make it worse for me....but with me...i felt sort of ...numb.....and shrugged it off as him hanging out for pot.........i let him stay with me because he doesn't have anybody else bar me and my family ..but ....at the heart of me his insulting names hurt...they hurt my confidence and have me doubting my own worth at times....

 

dont do that to you....talk to him be brutally honest..... give him a chance to change.....just one chance...ONE.and if he doesnt change....you leave and keep your self worth intact...emotional abuse erodes self worth ....more than physical abuse...i have had both....emotional abuse is more ...insidious and scars deeper....be wise....take care of you......deb

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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It’s one of my favourite sayings...

 

“When people who you who they really are, believe them.”

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

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name calling leaves scars...and where those scars are you become sort of numb to the name calling....

 

dont do that to you....talk to him be brutally honest..... give him a chance to change.....just one chance...ONE.and if he doesnt change....you leave and keep your self worth intact...emotional abuse erodes self worth ....more than physical abuse...i have had both....emotional abuse is more ...insidious and scars deeper....be wise....take care of you......deb

 

Todreaminblue - yes. I got socked in the face by an ex 10 years ago. Being called a c--t with as much venom he said it with - it actually hurt as much as getting physically hit. It didn't leave a bruise but it was a betrayal in the same way and it was shocking.

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Mrin Established Member

Mrin

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OP: quick hypothetical for you - if he has said "why are you being such a jerk?" instead of what he actually said, would you still be on the fence like this?

 

I'm trying to figure out is it the name or the anger/lashing out?

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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I have to disagree with above post - DO NOT give him another chance. Walk away. Do not allow or tolerate people like this in your life. Ever.

 

For people who can’t understand what happened in this case, imagine someone flipping out completely because you said something as simple as “I like daisies”. You’re in a confined space with them where escape is very difficult. You never see it coming, it’s completely out of the blue, and rattles you to your core. This is what these guys do - they pick the times when exiting is nearly impossible, like when you’re traveling out of town with them, in a car, etc.

 

When a similar incident happened with me and my ex, it was because we showed up at my sister’s for Father’s Day and, when we pulled up in the driveway, my ex saw my nephew’s car. Being Father’s Day, there was nothing odd about that. But he didn’t anticipate it, although it shouldn’t have mattered because he liked my nephew a great deal. We sat in the car for about 10 or 15 minutes and he raged at me to the point that his face was red and he was literally spewing. When my sister saw me, she knew something terrible had happened. I can’t express to you just how shaken I was to be verbally screamed at in such a way — and all for nothing. Reasoning with him was impossible, or even trying to understand what brought on such maniacal behavior.

 

Lose this guy fast! I don’t care how great the great times are. They will never last.

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

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If he had called me a jerk, I'd be more OK with that.

 

It's the choice of the word (c--t) it was said with venom. It's like he chose the worst word he could think of and then said it with as much spite as he could muster.

 

What upset me was how quickly he completely lost it, and what he lost it over (a traffic jam that had dispersed by the time we went back.)

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

Posted
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If he had called me a jerk, I'd be more OK with that.

 

It's the choice of the word (c--t) it was said with venom. It's like he chose the worst word he could think of and then said it with as much spite as he could muster.

 

What upset me was how quickly he completely lost it, and what he lost it over (a traffic jam that had dispersed by the time we went back.)

 

But it’s much more than the name calling. I hope you realize that.

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

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What also upset me was how quickly he completely lost it, and what he lost it over (a traffic jam that had dispersed by the time we went back.)

 

If I'm going to move in with someone and let them into my heart and my bed, I had better be safe around them. That's why this was so devastating for it to be revealed with clarity that I am not emotionally safe around this person. There will be more things that happen like this. I mean, worse things happen in life than a traffic jam and needing the toilet.

 

I'd like to hear from someone who got called a c--t in their relationship, one person admitted fault, and then nothing bad every happened again and they lived happily ever after. I'm not sure there are too many of those scenarios out there. Most of the time, the verbal abuse will continue or get worse.

 

I know I have been in denial because I love him dearly.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I'd like to hear from someone who got called a c--t in their relationship, one person admitted fault, and then nothing bad every happened again and they lived happily ever after. I'm not sure there are too many of those scenarios out there. Most of the time, the verbal abuse will continue or get worse.

Exactly.

 

You say your relationship is on again off again. Those kind of relationships hardly ever work out, either.

 

And he doesn't want to meet your family. This is a big red flag. Again, this kid of relationship will hardly ever last because any person who is interested in being with you long-term will want to meet your family, certainly within 18 months.

 

So there's a whole lot of odds stacked against you here. Even if you think you can beat the odds on one of these scenarios, you can't beat the odds on ALL of them. It's like winning the lottery 3 weeks running.

 

Nope - time to ditch this jerk, and find someone who actually respects you.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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i understand your revulsion at the word c...t i have been called that a fair bit normally when i was working as a hooker a long long time ago........it was a common word...and i dont like the word either........

 

as peg nose pete posted the not wanting to meet your family after 18 months is a real concern for you i feel...anybody can change .....anyone ....but...it takes effort and a willingness to change and to see what they are doing isnt right or healthy....if you love him dearly suggest counselling and if he is willing maybe you have both have a chance of working things out...i really do feel you will need a professional hand with this...if he isnt willing ...you know where you stand....i would bring up not meeting family as well...has anything major happened lately ...loss of a job or group or anything that might explain some of his behaviours???? has he begun to drink more ...or show signs of secrecy or addiction...how often has this happened? and when in the relationship did it begin to happen.....deb.........

Edited by todreaminblue
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
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Don't move in with this guy. If he can call you the C word over something that minor you can only imagine what he would do over something serious. He's abusive but you haven't seen the extent of it yet.

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

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i would bring up not meeting family as well...has anything major happened lately ...loss of a job or group or anything that might explain some of his behaviours???? has he begun to drink more ...or show signs of secrecy or addiction...how often has this happened? and when in the relationship did it begin to happen.....deb.........

 

Not only has he never wanted to meet anyone important to me, he just doesn't show enough interest in my life. He's had periods where he just doesn't reply to anything and then calls me up as if nothing's happened. When we argue, he often stonewalls me. I'm lucky if he even engages, and if he does, it's to lose his temper.

 

He's called me a spastic before, as mentioned. He puts me down a lot teasingly and then tells me he's joking and it's all banter. I am a bit of sick of that to be honest. I've asked him repeatedly to tone it down to no avail.

 

The same day this happened, I told him a sensitive story from my past and he used it against me to criticise me. I could go on. He drinks too much (he says he does it out of boredom and will stop when we move in together).

 

He criticises my line of work and doesn't seem to respect it much even though I've won multiple awards. He seems jealous or unsupportive.

 

He never comes to visit me and rarely takes me out - I always have to go to his house otherwise we wouldn't see each other. He says it's because he likes a beer after work and won't be able to drive home. He makes set plans that are chosen by him and doesn't want to do anything that isn't in his plan, and I often have to go along for the ride (I think that's why he lost his temper and called me a c--t).

 

I actually think he wants to move in with me to halve his bills, have someone to have sex with, companionship and cooking (I'm a chef).

 

So yes, the relationship has a lot of problems. I think this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's not all been terrible there have been good times in between. I love him very much but I am worried about where it's going and I'm walking on eggshells all the time which is not a good sign.

 

As mentioned in my original post, I was in a relationship with someone who socked me in the face about 10 years ago. It seemed out of the blue but looking back it was preceded by months of the sort of emotional manipulation my current partner likes to engage in, and some verbal abuse shortly before. I'm not saying this one will hit me, but in some ways I've been here before and I'm wary.

Thingsfallapart Established Member

Thingsfallapart

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I’m from London originally and in London this word doesn’t have the strength of meaning that it does for Americans.

 

If the OP’s Bf is from London, which I’m guessing he is, then she is blowing is out of proportion.

 

OP is your bf from London or somewhere close in the UK?

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

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Yes, he's from Hampshire, UK. He calls things "c--ty' and his friends c--ts all the time in a banter-y way. But this was said spitefully. It wasn't a joke, and it hurt me.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I think this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

No, I think you're wrong about that.

 

The camel's back has been broken for a long, long time. But for some reason you keep on giving it CPR and forcing it to take a few more steps, before its back breaks again.

 

Only one person can stop this cycle: YOU.

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bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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Read the book, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. After reading that, your eyes will be open and you will never rationalize again about staying with this guy. That book is the reason why I say that abusers are unfixable. The author handled literally thousands of abuse cases. His conclusions about them are astounding.

 

“Because I love him” is not a reason to invite this into your life.

 

You had this in your life already. The universe brought it to you again as a test. If you accept this, you’re telling the universe that you’re ok with it. If you draw a very clear line in the sand, idiots like this will stop appearing in your life. Your call.

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Thingsfallapart Established Member

Thingsfallapart

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Carly,

I work with Americans and I can tell you that they abhor the C word. But for working class guys from London we use it for any number of things. I also use it for my friends but it never has the deep awful meaning that Americans attach to it. The same with the word Spas, right?

 

I think that you do want to end things with him and are using this an the excuse to get out. Which is fair enough because you’re obviously not happy but I think your bf is only guilty of being to brash and not a gentleman.

 

He is a working class guy and we throw those words about all the time.

Lisa_Lisa Established Member

Lisa_Lisa

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Yes, you need to dump this guy. He is just using you as an emotional punching bag. At this point, instead of telling him how you feel, you need to remain very silent. Use your actions, not your words to show him you will not tolerate this kind of behavior.

 

 

We teach people how to treat us. Men usually don't listen to women's words, they observe our behavior. Next time he says some hurtful words, just stare him dead in the eye. Give him a real cold look like muthafu*cka who do you think you are talking to me like that? Tell him if he wants to act like a spoiled brat he can walk the f*ck home.

 

 

 

Watch him get out of that car and curse you out and text you and curse you, and you just tell him, he's the one that got out of the car in the first place.

 

 

If you want to save this (I don't know why you would), but you have to give it right back to him with very little words as possible. It's obvious he doesn't respect you or appreciate you. You are bending over backwards to please him and he hates you for that so be someone he will respect and talk to him like a little fu*king child because that's what he is.

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Carly1983 Member

Carly1983

Posted
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Posted (edited)
Carly,

I work with Americans and I can tell you that they abhor the C word. But for working class guys from London we use it for any number of things. I also use it for my friends but it never has the deep awful meaning that Americans attach to it. The same with the word Spas, right?

 

I think that you do want to end things with him and are using this an the excuse to get out. Which is fair enough because you’re obviously not happy but I think your bf is only guilty of being to brash and not a gentleman.

 

He is a working class guy and we throw those words about all the time.

 

Yes, he is a working class, brash guy and a bit of a man child. If you know the character Smithy from 'Gavin & Stacey' he reminds me a lot of him (bit of an idiot really.)

 

But I don't think he is only guilty of being a brash Brit. I see your point though about how English people use this word.

Edited by Carly1983
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