ascofield Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Hi everyone, sorry for my english, I'm french There's a coworker with whom I've been flirting for a few weeks. She was also often flirty. One day i wanted to ask her out but I might have been clumsy. I told her "I have to go to this town to buy a thing next monday, either I go with a buddy or with you". And she answered with an angry face "Why would I go with you, go with your buddy". I took it as a rude blow off. Especially since we were going along very well. Then she told her friend that I shouldn't have taken it the wrong way and that she didn't understand "in which purpose" I asked her out. She told me that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. After that I got very distant with her and she made some gestures to "fix things" (doing small favors at work when I didn't ask for it) My friends all tell me that she didn't really reject me but that she must not have appreciated the way I phrased my asking her out. They tell me that my question was a bit insulting, that she must have felt like a spare wheel or like just a buddy, that I should have been more direct and ask only her to go out without mentioning any friends. What do you guys think? Do you think it was a direct rejection or do you also think that the problem was in my phrasing ? Thank you.
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I don’t think I would’ve jumped down your throat so quickly but I can see where she found it a little insulting. That’s not the way to ask a woman out. It came across as you not being real attached to her being there or not. I can also see where you might’ve meant it to sound casual and non-threatening. That’s why, from her perspective, she could’ve just turned you down and waited until you actually asked her out. Btw, your English is excellent.
dispatch3d Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 No idea how I would take it. Being that she's a coworker I'd take my sweet time before I ever invited her to something else, fwiw. Its not worth the risk.
preraph Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 If she had any interest with you that she wanted to pursue, given that dating at work is not a good idea, she would have had a positive reaction. Instead, she sounded annoyed and put on the spot, so she's not interested.
BaileyB Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Well, you certainly didn’t help yourself by allowing her to feel safe or special in that you wanted to spend time WITH HER. It was kind of like - I don’t care which one of you comes, I’m going and you can let me know... I would have said no too. You really need to work on your game and your communication skills.
Gretchen12 Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Let's see... how can a woman reply to what you said.. she can say: "oh let me tag along to this town to buy that thing." "please take me instead of your buddy." "let me know which one of us you end up choosing." "if your buddy won't go, I'm available!" You begin to see the problem here? You're saying you'll be running an errand and you'll take someone but it may not even be her. That's why she told you she's not jumping at the chance to go to that town with you.
d0nnivain Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 the whole thing was problematic. What you said to her was that she was your 2nd choice. You put the buddy 1st. Plus you weren't asking her on a real date. You were asking her to tag along while you ran an errand. That is not a date. It does not make her feel special or valued. While you can & do run errands with SOs after you have an established relationship in early stages of dating you focus solely on the object of your affection & you do not divide your attention especially with menial tasks. Apologize. Say something like When we spoke the other day I think we had a miscommunication. I was trying to find a way to tell you that I wanted to spend time with you outside of work. You were right to tell me to run errands with my friend not you. Let me make it up to you. Can I please take you for a drink after work tomorrow? You need to pick an activity that is going to fun for her that shows she is important to you & that you want to pay attention to her.
The Outlaw Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 It sounds demanding, even if you didn't mean it that way. It's just different from another person's perspective. Next time, just ask her out. If she says no, just move on.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Yes, it came across a bit rude. Like you were saying, "You can run errands for me if my friend doesn't want to". It certainly wouldn't give her the impression that you were interested in dating her. I thought French guys were supposed to be really romantic, or was that Italian? Never mind, I'm sure you will find a way to win her over with some charm.
BaileyB Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 the whole thing was problematic. What you said to her was that she was your 2nd choice. You put the buddy 1st. Plus you weren't asking her on a real date. You were asking her to tag along while you ran an errand. That is not a date. It does not make her feel special or valued. While you can & do run errands with SOs after you have an established relationship in early stages of dating you focus solely on the object of your affection & you do not divide your attention especially with menial tasks. This. I was once talking with a guy and we were trying to find a time to meet for our first date. He called me and said “I’m going to the bar with my friends. Want to meet me there?” I said, “Thanks so much for the great offer, but No.” First, it was clear that he was going to the bar with his friends. I was not important enough to be worthy of his time or attention. And second, how are we going to get to know each other if we are at the bar? It was quite clear what he wanted, and it wasn’t what I expected on a first date... In this case, she does not feel special or worthy enough to have you ask her on a proper date. Tagging along while you run errands is not a date. That’s why she was upset. 1
dispatch3d Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Sigh, asking out girls is harder than you give it credit to be. You'll do better next time i'm sure, I guess women like a more direct approach, beats me....
bachdude Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 The way to make amends is to ask her out properly, like a gentleman should. Take her out for a fun date followed by an informal meal somewhere. "I'd like to take you out *her name*. How does next Saturday sound? I can pick you up at 6 o'clock." That's it...asked in person, or course. 1
Simple Logic Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 A. The invitation was not a proper first date. B. You basically told her she wasn’t important C. Since you couldn’t decide between her and a male friend she wondered if you were bi-sexual.
chillii Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Yep , sorry man but that was near the worst line l ever heard. Next time, try just being nice , nothing fancy and besides , she's a co worker and l'd imagine that calls for some extra extra care in this stuff.
darkmoon Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 "rude"? ... "insulting"? not much of a princess then! ... haha ... leave now before further castration/whining happens
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Your friends are right. It was a terrible way to ask a nice lady out. She was insulted that you put her at a level of importance comparative to a "buddy". Clumsy isn't the word for it. You came off as an ass. What were you thinking?
elaine567 Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 My friends all tell me that she didn't really reject me but that she must not have appreciated the way I phrased my asking her out. They tell me that my question was a bit insulting, that she must have felt like a spare wheel or like just a buddy, that I should have been more direct and ask only her to go out without mentioning any friends. Yes, yes and more yes. I guess you phrased it like that so that if she said no, you would not lose face, but you pitched it so low and off key, she was insulted instead. Faint heart never won fair lady. "Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. Swami Sivananda"
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 (edited) Yes, it came across a bit rude. Like you were saying, "You can run errands for me if my friend doesn't want to". It certainly wouldn't give her the impression that you were interested in dating her. I thought French guys were supposed to be really romantic, or was that Italian? Never mind, I'm sure you will find a way to win her over with some charm. I recall Pepe Le Pew had all the moves!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8DSYYczIks Edited April 23, 2019 by smackie9 3
Blind-Sided Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 OK... there could have been some confusion on "Why". So... if you still like her, and she has been trying to be nice at work... why not just ask her to go get coffee? Make it simple, and you will get an answer.
preraph Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Poor Kitty. She has a stalker. I still think if she had a crush on him, she would have clarified instead of bit his head off. I mean, she knows he has the language barrier. 1
alphamale Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 if you like your job then don't mess around with co-workers 2
Author ascofield Posted April 24, 2019 Author Posted April 24, 2019 Thanks guys for your opinions. I had taken her reaction as a direct blow off. And when I completely cut off the flirting and the chemistry we had together, she kinda tried to make it up to me by doing small favors at work. FYI, we've been flirting for a few months ans she told me many times that she really likes me. Still...What about when she said "what's the point ?" to her friends. I took it as if it meant "I'm not interested, what's the point of going out with him". Honestly I still think it's probably what she meant. But now I'm wondering if it really meant :"He just wants to go buy a thing, possibly with a buddy of his, I don't want to be reduced to a buddy, what's the point of going with him to buy his stuff ?" What do you guys think ? Do you think it's probably the former or the latter in your opinion? Thanks again.
Happy Lemming Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 if you like your job then don't mess around with co-workers Heed this warning!!
kendahke Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 "Wanna go?" is all you needed to say. Don't poop where you eat
mark clemson Posted April 24, 2019 Posted April 24, 2019 You should take the advice not to date someone in a work context. Depending on the personalities involved it can cause unexpected problems. And from her slightly dramatic reaction (to your poorly phrased offer), I'd say she has a "personality". This can be fun and fine, but again can lead to problems in a work context. If you must ask her out, just be direct. "Would you like to [do X] with me this Saturday?" should be fine. But I don't think you should, actually.
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