testguytest Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) We have been dating for 3 months, we are both in our late 20s, M + F. At the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend was showing me some pictures on her phone, and she opened up a picture of her being intimate (feeling up and french kissing) with another girl. She said: "look how cute we were". I was a bit puzzled and said I don't really enjoy watching photos of past-lovers or exes and said I don't mind her having such memory pics but would appreciate if she didn't show me those. She said she was sorry for being this insensitive, deleted the photo, for some reason said she isn't bisexual, and that was just a "party" phase when she was right out of high-school years ago. Fair enough, and we left it at that. Fast-forward to a week ago when we went to sleep at her place. It was the second time I was there, so I didn't get a good look before. But this time I noticed there were photographs on the wall. And in those photos there were two party ones where she was making out with two separate girls. One of which was the one I seen on her phone. She saw me looking at them, and came over to throw them out to the bin. Visibly troubled, she said: oh sorry I was meaning to throw these out, I know you're not comfortable with that. Now the thing is, these were ones of those instant photos that are immediately printed out of the camera and were clearly taken on the same day as the rest of the pics on the wall. And in the remaining pics I noticed her current hairstyle and house decor that she recently got. So that would place those pics a couple of months before we met and not in "crazy high-school days". Why would she lie about something that insignificant? I confronted her about it more puzzled than agitated and asked when were these taken because it doesn't add up - and if she doesn't want to talk about it I am fine with that. She went hysterical for some reason, she was visibly shaking, and said these were taken a year ago. But that was once again impossible from the details in the photos. She started crying and said she doesn't know when these were taken and that there could have been some parties she doesn't recall making out with other people. What a weird answer. Don't you think? Now, I don't care about past lovers or bi-sexuality at all, but I was really upset with someone just lying so openly about some details of her life. I know girls feel a double standard for their past experiences, and told her so, that she doesn't have to be anxious about it. But I still didn't get a correct response as to when that happened, just an excuse that she lied because she didn't want me to leave her. Is this a red flag? She mentioned when we were discussing our sexual preferences to one day try a threesome with another girl. Is she bisexual? I honestly wouldn't care, as long as she is faithful. Why would a girl lie about her sexual-orientation? Is that acceptable in a new relationship? I also learnt that the girls she made out with from the photos were her current best friends. She constantly talks/snapchats with them, and goes to parties with them. I didn't get a chance to get to know them very well, but once overheard them talking about a bi-sexual experience (cheating) while being with a man. Should I be worried about it? I don't hang out with people with whom I had romantic/sexual relationships or encounters in the past when I am in a monogamous relationship, and I feel quite uncomfortable with that at this stage in dating, but then again I don't want to separate her from her only friends. What should I do? Edited April 22, 2019 by testguytest
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) I'm not sure why she would go off like that when she has np displaying those photos. Looks like you two are not compatible about your views of sexuality.... IMO if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. This is why we date. To find out who they are, their personality, etc. You have discovered something about her that makes you real uncomfortable. I doubt that any answer she gives you will change the way you feel. Time to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. No you don't expect her to separate from her friends, that won't change anything anyways...but breaking up with her will make this go away. 3 months hardly time invested...you won't be losing much here. Edited April 22, 2019 by smackie9 2
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Why would you not be bothered by someone being bi? There will come a time when she decides she misses being with a female and the lies will all start again. She went hysterical because she was caught in a lie. 1
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I mean, what is more glaring here besides that she's obviously bisexual is that she really likes to show off photos about it, sexual photos on her walls and things. Who does that? 2
Lotsgoingon Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Dude, there is nothing wrong with investigating her bisexuality ... One of the first things people have to do in forming romantic relationships is figure out the sexual orientation of the person we are dating. Your alarms are going off ... as they should ... now it's true that some bi people have be wonderful "hetero" partners ... but the problem here is that she showed you these pics. Why in the world would she do that? Well maybe she did that to come out to you ... but then ... why would she get defensive? ... So her showing you the pics doesn't make sense ... Something is up. A guess: she really wants to explore her relationship with girls right now and those relationships bring her lots of fun ... but she doesn't see those relationships are relevant ... of course, she is completely wrong. Yes, you have multiple red flags. You want to date someone who is clear and who has good judgment. This woman is almost being like a kid ... Don't worry about judging her ... you are judging her for her reliability and fit as a partner ... not for her sexuality. So yes, major red flag. First step is to make sure the person you are dating is strongly into men ... and that the person doesn't have other side relationships going ... I commend your maturity and lack of prejudice ... but yes, your alarms are rightfully going off ... This woman is confused and unclear and immature, it seems to me.
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I mean, what is more glaring here besides that she's obviously bisexual is that she really likes to show off photos about it, sexual photos on her walls and things. Who does that? This is a very good point.
RecentChange Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 She hangs pictures on her walls of her making out with chicks at parties? Did you say she was in her late 20’s? She sure does sound like a “party girl”. 1
Art_Critic Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 She has picture on her phone from her party days.. YEARS ago and pulls it up to show you and find out what your reaction is... I'd bet her phone isn't as old as the PIC She is bisexual, IMO she was wanting to see what you would say.. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I think she was testing the waters with you a little when she initially showed you the pic on her phone, and backpedaled when you didn't have a positive reaction. Hence the lie about the high school-era of the pic. Perhaps she hoped you might be turned on by the idea of her with another woman, and even be open to inviting one into your bed (as evidenced by the threesome suggestion) but now that she gets you are not down with it, she is going into damage control mode. She has realized you are not comfortable with her touchy-feely relationship with her best friends and is trying to alter the facts to make it more palatable for you. However, it doesn't change the fact that is touchy-feely with her friends and apparently is proud of it. Hanging photos on one's wall of one making out with anyone else is maybe what a teen party animal might do, but a woman in her 20s? There's a pretty young mentality there, OP. I would stop and re-evaluate if this is really the relationship for you. She is certainly welcome to her preferences, and it does appear she is sexually attracted to both men and women, but the way she's been handling it suggests she has some maturing to do.
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Having on her phone maybe just a party girl being silly. Having them up on her walls is way more information, but again, more about why she likes to flash sexual things of herself to others. Obviously, she's bi. These days, don't know why anyone would even hide it, but...
Wallysbears Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I've never understood showing someone you are dating pictures of your past sexual partners, etc. I'm also old enough to be grateful that there weren't camera phones around when I was young and dumb. Didn't have any bi-sexual encounters, but I'm sure glad my kid won't ever find a picture of me doing keg stands or anything stupid like that floating around on the internet. 2
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I mean, I've got 65 photos on my walls and some of them are guys I've boinked at one time or another, but it's not like they're captioned or that I'm kissing any of them or anything. Just photos. I do have one photo one might interpret as lesbionic of me and my best friend 40 years ago kind of huddled together cheek to cheek in a selfie-like photo decades before selfies. But no kissing. Nope.
emeraldgreen Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 There's nothing insignificant about hiding the fact that you'll be competing against 2 genders for her affection. That's dealbreaker, adios stuff for me. 1
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I mean, I've got 65 photos on my walls and some of them are guys I've boinked at one time or another, but it's not like they're captioned or that I'm kissing any of them or anything. Just photos. I do have one photo one might interpret as lesbionic of me and my best friend 40 years ago kind of huddled together cheek to cheek in a selfie-like photo decades before selfies. But no kissing. Nope. Boinked. 1
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 In UK, we say bonked. ...but boinked sounds more upbeat...
mortensorchid Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 Huh ... Have you flat out asked her if she is bi or not? As I have learned, sexuality is different for women than it is for men. We assume as strait people (at least, on my end as well as others) that if and man is gay and a woman is gay, they are the same. They're actually not, the two are very different in their attitudes and development. Women in general do not mind things like showering together, being naked in front of one another, sleeping together in the same bed if necessary, etc., but men do. Most women who consider themselves to be gay (or bi) when questioned will say in 80% of cases that they have been with at least one man in their lifetimes, while less that 20% of men who consider themselves gay/bi have been with at least one woman. But I digress, these issues don't seem to be the ones at hand here... It sounds like these photos were put out because this woman likes attention and she wants to be "noticed" by others. These were taken at parties, you said. That means others were watching this. I have also been to parties and bars where women kind of "pretend make out" with each other, and it's not because they are turned on by it but because they want attention from guys. If men see that in action they will be turned on by their antics. Doesn't mean they will be approached, but still. There is also showmanship. You also sound rather young, both of you. As you age, you will find out, a lot of things change and you become a far more private person. You keep your business to yourself and no one will be the wiser to use things against you. But the first thing you should now that you have seen these things? Ask her if this behavior continues. 1
TheFinalWord Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 She sounds immature to me. Kind of weird too. The poster talking about damage control is spot on. But don't think she's going to change for you. One way or the other, she's going to get act on her polyamorous ways. Just a matter of time, after the honeymoon stage at best.
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 In UK, we say bonked. ...but boinked sounds more upbeat...It was a term we used to use (in Canada) back in the 70's. Very old skool and funny that some would bring it back.
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