TigerLily_xx Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 This makes me so angry, and I am feeling really frustrated.I am not sure how to deal with it. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we live together. Currently I am visiting family out of town. He is in France, I am in the UK (We are both British). I relocated with him, so I am visiting my parents which is several hours flight away. My father is terminally ill, which is part of why I am here. I am 28, my bf is 33. We had a very very minor disagreement by text this afternoon. I have an issue with my boyfriend in that if we argue (rarely) he flies off the handle, speaks to me like dirt off his shoe, calling me a piece of ****, starts yelling, etc. Today was worse than ever. Complete transformation and he became incredibly nasty, cold and it was even scary how little empathy he had. This evening he was due to go for a beer with his friends for Easter. He text me after our disagreement and said spitefully that I had annoyed him so much, maybe he would go and F some other woman if he could find one. It didn't seem jokey, he wrote lots of info about it and I couldn't believe what I was reading. After that I messaged him to say that was incredibly rude, I can’t believe he would say that or speak to me so badly, that I would not dream of threatening such a thing and he should apologise. He just left my messages read and never responded so I tried to call him because I was sat there wondering what the heck was going on/why he flipped. Earlier this morning we were speaking on the phone, laughing/joking, him saying he missed me, etc. He kept rejecting the call which I think is childish - can’t we speak for 5 minutes like adults and straighten things out? I hate feeling like I am in an argument with someone. He messaged “leave me alone you piece of ***” and immediately blocked me everywhere. He blocked my phone and blocked me on viber. On whatsapp. On Instagram. On Facebook. I have literally no way to reach him. He would not answer my calls. The thing that disturbs me about it is just the contrast - we were fine and chatty, saying we missed each other in the morning. In the evening he becomes nasty, cold and doesn’t feel bad when I am noticeably upset and hurt. It is not like I am just a few blocks away and can easily resolve it. I am in another country and not due to return for a while. I should add that I have an anxiety disorder and sometimes I feel like he does these things to make me anxious. He knows that I would worry and be upset and hurt if he is out all night and I can't reach him after threatening to sleep with random women. (This is the first time he has done something so nasty). I can’t just turn off my phone and ignore his childishness and speak the next day because I will get very anxious and ill. I know I should have let it be. I ended up resorting to emailing him since he blocked me everywhere asking him to explain what was going on and why he could not speak to me like an adult. It made me feel helpless that I was just blocked on every single app with no way of reaching him, paired with being miles away. I hate that he shuts me out. He said “You are blocked for two days and then I will speak to you again” - He was the one who spoke to ME like dirt. He ignored me and ignored me for hours and I kept trying to reach him. I KNOW that I probably should have just left it, but I felt frustrated about not being able to communicate normally. He then emailed and said we are not together anymore, and I should leave him alone. What? That is a crazy turn of events. Even if he was seriously unhappy and wanted to break up (we were perfectly fine before I left and during our daily conversations) . A normal person would just wait the 2 days for me to come back and sit me down in person, not do that by ignoring me, blocking me and then emailing me that he is now single while I am away with my ill father. He offered to box up all my things at the apartment and send them to me at my parents, if I sent him the money for shipping. All of this is just a crazy development from a very minor argument. I kept trying to call, only to be hung up on, and emails were ignored for hours before getting a one line, heartless response. I said I couldn’t understand how he would be so nasty, cold and heartless to a woman he was with for so long, lived with and who was so kind to him. It was like he had no emotion at all. Eventually he said he would speak to me tomorrow and that I must leave him alone so he could sleep. I would never speak to someone how he spoke to me. The other thing to add is that he has done this once before but not as severe. I went to Malaysia for a business trip and he called me when I arrived at the airport in Kuala Lumpur (after 17 hours of travel while I was jet lagged and looking for my hotel transfer) to pick an argument with me. I said that was the most ridiculous moment - he knew I was travelling for work, etc, but he just was yelling nonsense at me on the phone while I was wondering around Malaysian baggage claim after being awake more than 24 hours. It always seems to be when I go away that he tries to upset me and hurt me. My boyfriend is also currently taking medication for depression. I spoke to some friends who think that he does this intentionally to upset me every time I go away. I don’t get it? I can’t understand how he flipped today from kind and sweet to nasty, mean and emotionless in 0-100. I know this is not healthy or normal. I am just trying to make sense of it.
basil67 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I'm sorry TigerLily. You know know exactly what your boyfriend is capable of and what he will do to you if you marry. At this point, it doesn't matter why he does this - what matters is that you end this relationship. It sounds like you live with him, so you must plan your escape carefully so that the doesn't trash your stuff or hurt you. Don't contact him for now. When he calls, fake being nice - pretend that you've forgiven him. Fake fake fake sweetness and light till you're out. Is your name on the lease? If so, what are you tenancy laws around breaking a lease? And how long is left on the lease anyway? 1
bachdude Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 What are you doing, OP? Why would you chase an abuser? Stop chasing him and block his a$$ instead. Kick him to the curb, tell him good riddance and never look back. 2
TheFinalWord Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 All I can say is WOW. That is the definition of a toxic relationship. Is he BPD? He needs some serious anger management classes. If it were me, I would tell him he either takes anger management courses, or I am out of there. Personally, I always feel the real test of a relationship is how the couple handles fights. Is the person quick to forgive and can discuss things maturely? Or do they punish you, hold grudges, and make you feel like crap for minor misunderstandings? If it's the latter, you really have to question is this is a person you want to be with, let alone bring kids into the mix. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 This is horrible, OP. And I sympathize. My ex was like this. He would completely lose his mind over seemingly minor things, become verbally and emotionally abusive and scream that it was over. He too would refuse to communicate and essentially kick me out of his life. And yes, he could flip a switch very quickly. He also had a habit of doing so when I was home visiting family (I live abroad too) and I suspected it was because he wanted his playtime while I was gone so he staged arguments to justify stepping out. Turns out I was right. He had to make it okay in his head to find another woman so he picked fights and gave himself an out. I am telling you, this doesn't get better. It gets worse. For your own sanity, walk away. Even if there is no other woman involved, this is not how a stable, mature and rational adult behaves. I stayed longer than I should have, because I knew my ex had been diagnosed with a specific personality disorder and tried to convince myself (and him) that if he finally sought treatment, things could be great. Well, I eventually got tired of pretending to myself that I could handle his erratic and explosive behaviour. I couldn't. Let him stay broken up with you. This isn't someone you can build a life with. One of the best choices I have ever made was leaving my ex, for good. I have not once regretted it.
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 My guess is that here IS probably another woman involved, or he wants freedom to chase some other woman, so he has had "to get rid of" you quick. He is aware it is not your fault and that you will try to talk him round but he doesn't want that, so he has closed off all avenues for rational discussion, by flipping out over essentially nothing. He is trying to offload all the blame onto you. If this "other woman" or this playing of the field does out pan out, he may come grovelling back to you being "Oh sooo sorry", but he has shown you he is not a man that can be trusted with your well being and heart. Manufactured arguments are a common tool used by cheaters to justify cheating. Also Yellers and screamers over trivial events will send you mad, as you will always be on edge and trying to avoid their wrath. As it is impossible to foretell when they will flip out, you will spend your life trying to second guess them, trying to appease them and it will be your own mental health that will suffer long term. Of course he may just be a man at the end of his tether with your relationship. He wants out, he doesn't want to discuss it and he has chosen this way of doing it. Not mature, not fair, not optimal but not an uncommon way for some to break up. All in all, whatever the reason, this is not a man you need to spend any more time with.
Veronica73 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 OMG! I’m so, so sorry you are dealing with this. And with a sick parent on top of it all. He is awful. Really truly awful. I agree with the fake-being-nice idea and get your crap out of the apartment or whatever and leave and don’t look back. Ugh. I’m sorry. 2
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 For the life of me, I can’t imagine why you found it necessary chase him down after what he said to you. You need to drop this guy like yesterday. I can tell you exactly what’s going on, not that it matters. He’s verbally abusive and the one thing abusers can’t stand is for the attention to be taken away from them. So, you being there with your family - terminally ill or not - he’s going to create severe drama so that your mind is on him and off of your family. My ex did the exact same thing when I was experiencing both my parents being in the hospital for 2 weeks, and they both eventually died. To say the least, it was high stress for me and my whole family. Everyone around me had their spouses to lean on. But do you know what I had? A drama king who made my life a living hell during a time when I needed someone the most. He acted out, yelled and screamed, even showed up at the hospital once drunk. I knew right then we were finished. I learned that this is a game of manipulation that all of these guys play. I left him very shortly after that, once I was able to function after dealing with the death of both my parents. When I left, I pointedly told him that I would never, ever forgive him for how he acted while my parents were ill, and that he could carry the shame of that for the rest of his life. When I tell you that these people are broken and unfixable, I mean that in every sense of the word. These guys especially do this when they think they have you trapped - like traveling together, making a big move to be with them, getting married, etc. You will never be able to depend on him for support. Just when you think things are back on an even keel, he’ll pull the rug out from under you. This is a mental form of trauma that you, the victim, will go through. Do whatever you have to do to extract yourself from this situation. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Take him up on his offer to box up your stuff & send it. Seriously, he has lousy dispute resolution skills, he's immature, he's spiteful (a large step up from mean). Go focus your energy on your dad. Be there to support your mom & don't give this bloke another moment's thought. Yes, that is easy for me to say but as a daughter who lost her father, when all is said & done, 10 years from now who do you think you will be missing? This jerk or your beloved father? 1
Wallysbears Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Let him send your stuff. He’s clearly not stable
Author TigerLily_xx Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 Take him up on his offer to box up your stuff & send it. Seriously, he has lousy dispute resolution skills, he's immature, he's spiteful (a large step up from mean). Go focus your energy on your dad. Be there to support your mom & don't give this bloke another moment's thought. Yes, that is easy for me to say but as a daughter who lost her father, when all is said & done, 10 years from now who do you think you will be missing? This jerk or your beloved father? Thank you. A friend is going to take my things from him tomorrow evening, but I am dumbfounded as to how this emerged from nothing.
oceanblue12 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I agree that is an alarming situation. You deserve support and compassion as you are dealing with a terribly taxing situation. He seems to be very insensitive and self-absorbed No idea why anyone would treat you or any other person the way he is treating you. 1
Author TigerLily_xx Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) My guess is that here IS probably another woman involved, or he wants freedom to chase some other woman, so he has had "to get rid of" you quick. He is aware it is not your fault and that you will try to talk him round but he doesn't want that, so he has closed off all avenues for rational discussion, by flipping out over essentially nothing. Thank you for your response. I dont think there is another woman involved. But definitely not nice or normal behaviour. We were texting back and forth normally (his initiation) before he suddenly flipped. I know people do break up in heartless ways but I felt that since we live together in a foreign place, he would have more decency than to act lile this and effectively leave me homeless for when I come back there for work while I am miles away, in another country with an ill parent Edited April 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I know people do break up in heartless ways but I felt that since we live together in a foreign place, he would have more decency than to act lile this and effectively leave me homeless for when I come back there for work while I am miles away, in another country with an ill parent That is why I feel there may be added "pressure" and having another woman does tend to bring "pressure" into the equation.
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 There is no need to be rude and nasty. I am not a pathetic woman that does something JUST to have a man thank you very much. I have many options. However we can admit it's pretty alarming when someone does a complete 180 for no reason, especially since I LIVE with this person, all my things are in his place, and I had no way to reach him because he blocked me without explanation while I am away. Of equal worry for me is my stuff. I left very expensive things there and he is being nasty so who knows what he could do. Also we are two British people living in Paris and it's not really easy for me to just fly back to Paris and find an apartment immediately. It's all crazy. I don’t think the poster intended to be rude. It was really a gut reaction to your decision to chase this guy over and over when he said what he did about finding another woman to sleep with. You let him put you in a state of fear - which was his intent - and he played it for everything he could. In other words, by reacting as you did, you let him torment you. This isn’t about not being supportive, it’s about hoping you’ll see how your actions allowed him to keep playing this head game with you. I get it that his reaction was out of the blue but this is why these games work - because they seem out of character. But they’re not out of character at all. In his mind, he has you trapped and now you’re seeing the real him. Believe me, these guys all work from the same script. I’ll guarantee you that he’s going to beg you to come back and his remorse will be really convincing. But if you don’t draw the line in the sand now and say that a person like this never gets a second chance, you’ll be setting yourself up for disaster. I’m glad you’re leaving him. I hope you keep it that way.
Author TigerLily_xx Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 That is why I feel there may be added "pressure" and having another woman does tend to bring "pressure" into the equation. Yes as I said I don't think so. We live together and spend most of our time together. I left a few days ago and we are in constant communication. I just think that he was trying to be as nasty as possible to hurt me.
Gretchen12 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 First, I thought it was odd that he broke up with you but you still call him your boyfriend. This should be posted in the breakup section but it hasn't sunk in? Secondly, and since it's over anyway, you might benefit by examining your own contribution to escalating the argument. You mentioned your anxiety disorder and you say "why can't he talk for 5 minutes?". Well, he didn't want to. But you wanted to make him do it. When you are being relentless and obsessively calling, it feels like aggression to the person being targeted. It feels to him like you needed to "win", to control him. No man wants to hear a woman say "I'm not going to be ignored, you know." It may seem I'm being harsh to you. That's because he is obviously nasty and hateful, and he's gone from your life anyway. You didn't exactly lose a great guy here. So now it's just you. I got from your post that you do know you have anxiety. You were unable to back off, wait the two days that he asked for. You MUST get him to pick up the phone NOW or else you feel like you're gonna lose your mind. It's a horrible feeling, isn't it? This behaviour can pass as you get older. And I'm sure it was aggravated by your stress about your father's illness. At times of dealing with terminal illness of family, people can act out of character. But just know that this is not ok. Neither one's bad behaviour justfies the bad behaviour of the other. Now you're having to deal with moving out. Hopefully you both calm down. Do not keep contacting him to talk about getting your stuff (that's usually the next position people take.) Get your friend in Paris to help you. 2
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Tiger, he's just an abuser. He has no respect for you and he enjoys raging and trying to belittle you. He is a BAD person that you must not regret leaving behind. Keep your dignity and stop talking to him and get your stuff and leave now and don't look back. Block him on everything so he can't try to manipulate or just further abuse you. 1
OatsAndHall Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 To me, it seems like you're still trying to wrap your head around his behavior. I suggest that you stop trying to decipher his reaction and just write it off as "he's not stable", get your affairs in order and stay away from him. As others have pointed out, he will probably beg and plead for you to come back when you call his bluff but I wouldn't fall for this; he's not stable and this could go from verbally abuse to much worse if you're not careful. 3
kendahke Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I think that once you get back, you need to pack your things and move out. There aren't enough apologies or make up sex to make this evaporate... If you're about chasing him in order to not be alone or you're trying to find a magic pill recipe to cook up to make him flip into someone he doesn't seem interested in being, then I'd say find a way to self soothe to get through his meanness. No one can make your boyfriend act respectfully except him--and if he feels you're not worth him arsing himself, then you're going to either have to accept the treatment or leave. And beware of him troweling the sweetness on when you get back--he's trying to maintain his comfort zone, not necessarily that he wants to be with you. Still--download a real estate app and look for a new place to live today so that when you get back, you can just go move. 3
kendahke Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Yes as I said I don't think so. We live together and spend most of our time together. I left a few days ago and we are in constant communication. I just think that he was trying to be as nasty as possible to hurt me. You do understand that people who are in relationships have affairs--if they want to do it, they manage to do it. Being in constant communication means nothing--she could be laying in the bed right next to him while he's talking to you. 1
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 We were texting back and forth normally (his initiation) before he suddenly flipped. I know people do break up in heartless ways but I felt that since we live together in a foreign place, he would have more decency than to act lile this and effectively leave me homeless for when I come back there for work while I am miles away, in another country with an ill parent Simply put, he is not you. You can’t assume that he would handle the situation in the same way that you would. He is his own person. When someone shows you who they really are, you are wise to be believe them. The day that a man said these words to me “leave me alone, you piece of $#/!” would be the last time we ever spoke. He would have all the alone time he wanted. That’s absolutely not acceptable. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 A friend is going to take my things from him tomorrow evening, but I am dumbfounded as to how this emerged from nothing. Good. I'm glad you have a plan to get your stuff. As for how it happened it sounds like he's just a big 'ol baby man-child who has never learned do resolve issues or compromise. Instead he blows everything out of proportion & lashes out or pouts. 1
Author TigerLily_xx Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 You do understand that people who are in relationships have affairs--if they want to do it, they manage to do it. Being in constant communication means nothing--she could be laying in the bed right next to him while he's talking to you. Yes I am 28 years old. Of course I can comprehend that. I just dont think that was the case here as I said.
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Yes I am 28 years old. Of course I can comprehend that. I just dont think that was the case here as I said. I don’t think that’s the case, either. He’s verbally abusive. This is how they act. 1
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