Lotus_Luna Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 (edited) Last night I had too much to drink at a social gathering. My husband decided to take advantage of the situation and I recall saying ‘no I dont consent. I do not want this’ but he kept going... In hindsight I feel like I failed by not forcing him off... on the other hand, I ahouldnt have to. Edited April 21, 2019 by Lotus_Luna
basil67 Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 (edited) At face value this is rape. But I find it odd that you used the words 'no, I don't consent' with your husband as this isn't everyday language. "Go away, I'm tired" would have been a much more common statement of refusal. My thoughts on this are that you're offering a hypothetical situation. Edited April 21, 2019 by basil67 5
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 As long as you say "no" it's technically rape & there is a thing called marital rape. Since this is your husband try talking to him before you call the police.
anika99 Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 I agree that "no, I don't consent. I do not want this" sounds like very unusual language to use with one's spouse. Especially when you are drunk. It sound like something a person would say if they are testifying in court. It almost sounds like laying the groundwork. On the other hand, no matter how someone says no, no means no. So if this happened then yes I would consider it rape.
Author Lotus_Luna Posted April 21, 2019 Author Posted April 21, 2019 At face value this is rape. But I find it odd that you used the words 'no, I don't consent' with your husband as this isn't everyday language. "Go away, I'm tired" would have been a much more common statement of refusal. My thoughts on this are that you're offering a hypothetical situation. Not hypothetical, used those words to make it clear I did not agree or want sex.
preraph Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 It just doesn't ring true. Why such formal language, especially when you're drunk? Where did that come from? 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 It just doesn't ring true. Why such formal language, especially when you're drunk? Where did that come from? Maybe she's accustomed to being raped by her husband so she's decided to get more "official" with her language? 1
preraph Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 Well, I hope not. If he does this, you shouldn't be with him. 1
basil67 Posted April 21, 2019 Posted April 21, 2019 Yes CO, I'm also now wondering if this is a habitual thing and her wording has been rehearsed for the next time it happens. 1
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Not hypothetical, used those words to make it clear I did not agree or want sex. Well then, I struggle to understand the problem. You had been drinking (which put you in a vulnerable state, and that was not respected by your husband) and you clearly said no. That’s sexual assault in my book.
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Yes CO, I'm also now wondering if this is a habitual thing and her wording has been rehearsed for the next time it happens. This is a woman who has been planning to leave her husband for a long time. More recently, she ended a relationship with her affair partner. LL, what does he have to do for you to actually find the courage to leave the marriage? Are you hoping to use this experience as the push to leave the relationship? Or, planning to use the authorities to make the decision for you? 2
Author Lotus_Luna Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 The formal language was because this isnt the first time. We had a whole intervention a few months ago about sexual abuse and boundaries. Clearly the therapist, church and information I gave him had limited impact. I just feel frustrated at myself for not being more assertive. I am not contacting authorities or making a big fuss. I just need to continue my plan to get away from all of this and funnel my energy into being independent of him.
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 ^ That's it. That's what you need to do. He has no love for you or respect. So you need to put all your energy into getting away from him. Good luck.
Wallysbears Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 No means no. You don't have to say "no, I do not consent" You don't have to fight back. You say NO and that means no. I'm so sorry. HOw long until you can get away from him?
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 The formal language was because this isnt the first time. We had a whole intervention a few months ago about sexual abuse and boundaries. Clearly the therapist, church and information I gave him had limited impact. I just feel frustrated at myself for not being more assertive. I am not contacting authorities or making a big fuss. I just need to continue my plan to get away from all of this and funnel my energy into being independent of him. Clearly. It’s not your responsibility to be more assertive. Nothing that you did, or did not do, should make it acceptable for him to sexually assault you. Staying however, in a situation that you know is unsafe, is entirely your responsibility. How much longer until you will be able to leave? What is it that you need to make it possible for you to leave?
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I agree with the others that it wasn’t consensual. I also have to wonder why you would put yourself in a such a vulnerable position while being around a man you already know you can’t trust. While your husband is culpable, you need to stop making yourself a victim. I’m not blaming you, just saying you need to be smarter in your actions.
Author Lotus_Luna Posted April 23, 2019 Author Posted April 23, 2019 Clearly. It’s not your responsibility to be more assertive. Nothing that you did, or did not do, should make it acceptable for him to sexually assault you. Staying however, in a situation that you know is unsafe, is entirely your responsibility. How much longer until you will be able to leave? What is it that you need to make it possible for you to leave? I need to have a reliable income. Thusfar I had a setback and its delayed my timeline. That is my biggest concern. I dont want to go into details but I cannot rely on him to willingly pay childsupport or anything.
Author Lotus_Luna Posted April 23, 2019 Author Posted April 23, 2019 I agree with the others that it wasn’t consensual. I also have to wonder why you would put yourself in a such a vulnerable position while being around a man you already know you can’t trust. While your husband is culpable, you need to stop making yourself a victim. I’m not blaming you, just saying you need to be smarter in your actions. We had company over and I drank with my friends. I didnt expect it to hit me so hard. I also thought he was going to pass out since it was so late. We’ve discussed this subject several times and he was attempting to reapect boundaries. Obviously he decided to disregard the advice given to him.
bathtub-row Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 We had company over and I drank with my friends. I didnt expect it to hit me so hard. I also thought he was going to pass out since it was so late. We’ve discussed this subject several times and he was attempting to reapect boundaries. Obviously he decided to disregard the advice given to him. Yeah, I can see how that could happen. Well, I’m thinking that any guy who has sex with a woman who tells him no, doesn’t really grasp the concept of boundaries. All the discussion about respecting boundaries is just a bunch of hot air from him. I hope you lose this guy fast.
BaileyB Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 I need to have a reliable income. Thusfar I had a setback and its delayed my timeline. That is my biggest concern. I dont want to go into details but I cannot rely on him to willingly pay childsupport or anything. I wish you well. I hope things come together for you and you don’t wait too long...
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