CATCH 22 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 My live in girlfriend of three years broke up with me and moved out 3 weeks ago for no apparent reason, so I thought. During those three weeks she remained in contact with me and continued to talk about our future together. When ever I tried to figure out why she left me, she would clam up and not talk about our relationship. I got bits and pieces that during our relationship I was not loving enough and made her feel like she was not important. I felt that our relationship was causual, meaning we were exclusive but didnt need each other to be "lovy duby." Looking back the warning signs were there and she said she told me several times what she wanted and how she felt. For whatever reason I didnt see it. Finding this out I began to do the things for her that I felt she wanted, I made a permanent change because I wanted to keep her. We recently went on a trip together where we had a blast. We discussed our relationship, and I asked her to come back to me. She said that she needed space and time to figure out if she wanted to risk coming back and me going back to the way things were. I advised her that the way I treat her is the way I want to always treat her. I further advised that before I didnt realize the "rules to the game and wasnt aware of her needs" and wanted another chance. She stated that she told me before what she wanted and gave me several chances and she was tired of making an effort now that I was ready to. How do I convince her that the change in me is permanent and I can be the man she wants me to be, but still giver her space and time. I am afraid that if I do not contact her at all she will think it is me giving up, but still I dont want to smother her and push her away. I know that the best thing that ever happened was the fact she left me. It gave me the oppourtunity to discover my true feelings about her. I just need her to be there so that I can show her that I am commited to making her happy. Have I screwed up so bad that she wont take me back...I really missed the signs...please help!!
lindya Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Sometimes with these situations, it's not so much about making a major change to yourself as to just opening up your eyes and ears and having better communication with your partner. I was with someone for a few years who would never buy me a birthday present or spend new year/my birthday with me. He would have been extremely judgemental if any of his female friends had been neglected in that way by their boyfriends, but somehow the rules that applied to normal relationships didn't have to apply to "us". If I tried to talk seriously about it - or, say, remind him that once again he'd forgotten my birthday, he'd just slap his head and go on about how "crap" he was (in that "aren't I so lovably selfish and self-absorbed" sort of way) - then immediately forget about it. Great communication, eh? Eventually it's impossible to raise an indulgent smile at that kind of thing, you don't want to spend your life nagging them - so the only thing to do is walk away. Might that be where your girlfriend's at right now?
CHAZ87 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 The only thing I can say is, take her feelings into strong consideration. I am in the same boat. It took something as big as an A to "open" my eyes and heart to the true feelings I have for my wife. My regret is, it took who knows how many years to see this. Now, we have agreed that a separation is needed. It hurts, so I can relate there, although she hasn't moved out yet. Your gf is already out of the your house. I can't imagine what that is like. I too made a change, a drastric one at that. If she is still committed to the relationship, dear god don't push her further away. I believe I am doing this to my wife and she probably feels she can't get out of the house fast enough. She tells me she needs time and space, I want to give her that, but I am scared to death she won't want to come back to me. Good Luck
Woggle Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Whatever you do don't become a begging and pleading wimp. Show her you are happy without her. Show some balls because it works.
CHAZ87 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I told her many times that I am not going to try and get her to stay. If there was some magic phrase or anything that would change her mind, I still wouldn't say it. I am not going to force the issue, she is to delicate right now. She has a marathon to run in a months time, she needs as little drama in her life right now. Especially from me. She tells me I am not giving her her space and time, well we are still in the same house. We sleep on separate sides of the house, she wants to move out. After she moves out though, I could be heading to Louisiana for a couple months. Now if that is not giving her space, I don't know. I am not looking forward to the time apart, esp if I am in the gulf region. We have a 4yo son I love dearly, and I might only get to see him once out the month. But if this separation can help me and his mother love each other again, that is a sacrifice I can make.
lindya Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Whatever you do don't become a begging and pleading wimp. Show her you are happy without her. Show some balls because it works. If the OP ended the relationship because she doubted that the OP genuinely cared about her, any attempts he makes to show how happy he is without her will just compound her belief that she made the right decision. Nobody, male or female, should become a begging and pleading wimp. That's just another form of manipulation. Surely the best thing the OP can do is give his gf a clear and unambiguous message that he misses and loves her, that out of respect for her wishes he is going to refrain from contacting her - but that he would be delighted to hear from her if she changes her mind about having contact with him.
CHAZ87 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 If the OP ended the relationship because she doubted that the OP genuinely cared about her, any attempts he makes to show how happy he is without her will just compound her belief that she made the right decision. Nobody, male or female, should become a begging and pleading wimp. That's just another form of manipulation. Surely the best thing the OP can do is give his gf a clear and unambiguous message that he misses and loves her, that out of respect for her wishes he is going to refrain from contacting her - but that he would be delighted to hear from her if she changes her mind about having contact with him. I couldn't agree with this more.
Woggle Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I have read some of your past posts CHAZ and she cheated on you instead of sitting down with you and discussing whatever issues she has with you. There is no excuse for that and you should be the one leaving her instead of her leaving you. You do have a son and that complicates things so I undersand you trying to work it out. Whatever happens know your rights as a father and know that whatever happens he needs you in his life and don't ever let her come between that.
Hotdiggitydammit Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 This was the same situation I was in and it really irritated me that I couldn't talk to her or anything. But she still contacts me. Eventually, what happened was I had to walk home because my car hadn't been fixed. During that time I was thinking about how she sounded on the phone. She kind of had that old voice again. But then I played all the scenarios through my mind because she said to call if I wanted to talk about a little argument. I had already gotten my peace so I decided that if NC was to be broken, it will not be me. I have things to take care of before I can even think of picking up or calling back.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Sometimes with these situations, it's not so much about making a major change to yourself as to just opening up your eyes and ears and having better communication with your partner. I was with someone for a few years who would never buy me a birthday present or spend new year/my birthday with me. He would have been extremely judgemental if any of his female friends had been neglected in that way by their boyfriends, but somehow the rules that applied to normal relationships didn't have to apply to "us". If I tried to talk seriously about it - or, say, remind him that once again he'd forgotten my birthday, he'd just slap his head and go on about how "crap" he was (in that "aren't I so lovably selfish and self-absorbed" sort of way) - then immediately forget about it. Great communication, eh? Eventually it's impossible to raise an indulgent smile at that kind of thing, you don't want to spend your life nagging them - so the only thing to do is walk away. Might that be where your girlfriend's at right now? Lindya, I Cant agree more with your analysis. We couldnt find a way to communicate our needs so the other understood. She tried and I was too selfish and only cared about myself. The real question now is how to I keep her around to so her that I hear her loud and clear. I told her when we got back from her trip yesterday that I would respect her wishes and give her space and not contact her. I further told her It would be up to her to contact me. I know that I need to take care of myself, but it is so hard to get her off of my mind. I know that she will contact me in the next couple of days cause I am watching her dogs for a couple of days. When she comes over how should I act and what should I say. Is it appropriate to ask her to go do something with me. Should I remind her when I talk to her on how much I want to work on things. Is there hope for us getting back together
lindya Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 When she comes over how should I act and what should I say. Is it appropriate to ask her to go do something with me. Should I remind her when I talk to her on how much I want to work on things. Is there hope for us getting back together This is the thing...you have to read the situation when it arises. I suppose the natural first question might be "how have you been?" and I don't think there's any harm in also asking if she feels like a hug. Try not to stress if she acts cagey and says "Not really" though. Just let it go. If you do start talking about things, I think telling her just what you're telling us here sounds pretty good - ie that the two of you need to work on having better communication if things between you are to work. You are committed to being more alert to and considerate of her feelings, but you can't be a mind-reader. Communication's a shared responsibility - so sometimes she'll need to tell you pretty directly if there's something she isn't happy about...then the two of you can talk. There will be some things about you that you just can't change, and some things that you don't want to change. Same goes for her. Relationships are about compromise, and accepting that the other person can't be what you want 100% of the time. I think if you take a considered and realistic approach (as opposed to saying "I'm a totally changed man") then she might feel that you're more serious about making a go of the relationship. Good luck with it.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Thanks!! Its been so difficult trying to move on. Shes at a job where she works 9am to 9pm. During those times, it is easier not to want to call her or talk to her cause I know where she is at. Its before and after those times. I want so much to be her soft place to fall. I cant emagine how bad I hurt her over the past 3 yrs. Now its my turn to suffer. I cant function. Luckily I go back to work on friday after a 2 week vacation although my heads not in the game at work. This is bad, cause I am a Police officer and my head needs to be focused. How do I cope????
georgiagirl76 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Catch I read your post and some of the replies but I didn't read all of them so I apologize if I am repeating. My ex has recently asked for space and part of the reason we broke up had to do with miscommunications or beliefs about wants and needs that although valid for him to think- were not true. I struggled with trying to figure out how to show him that some of what he believed (you have to read my post to follow and please do:) ) Then I realized that part of communication and showing someone you hear them is to give them what they are asking for- Space. It sucks because you are used to talking to that person about everything and for them to just abrubtly stop communicating can be really difficult. Just continue to work on yourself and showing her that you can hear her and respect her space is the first step to showing her that you have changed. Continue to lean on this community because most of us are hurting as well.
JaneInVegas Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Okay, if you're really serious about convincing her that you're sincere ... Print out your original post. Give it to her to read. One thing a lot of guys don't understand about women, is the power of reading & writing about our feelings. Granted, this isn't necessarily going to make her instantly change her mind, but TRUST me, it will have a big impact on her. I feel your post was sincere and heart felt, and I'm betting she'll see it the same way. Just remember, if she comes back, you're going to have to toe the line to keep things going smoothly. I hope the best for you.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Good idea but everything that I have wrote has been verbally spoken to her over and over. She needs time to think and I dont feel that making contact with her in anyway is a good idea. Everything that I have read and heard leeds me to that conclusion. I sit here now and think about all of the examples she gave me regarding her trying to tell me about her feeling towards me. HOW DID I NOT SEE IT!!! What was going on that made me not see it. All along I wanted the same things she did but didnt ask or show it. Why was I so caught up in my own life that I couldnt focus on our life and being together. I feel that if she would of told me she was leaving unless I gave her what she needed and listed those needs that it would have never came to this. Boy do I regret not being there for her. I love and miss her so much and want us to be one. I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me and dont know if it will come back. The hardest part is the regret.
CHAZ87 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Wow, I just read the post you wrote Catch and I have come to the conclusion that we think the absolute same way. Why are men wired so differently from women that we need detailed schematics on relationships. Anything for that matter. If my wife would have said, "I want this or I will have an A," I would like to think alot of this could've been avoided. Why is it that men can pee standing up, but we don't know how to make a relationship work? To me it seems engrained in women, but instead of being direct, they use subtlety instead. You just can't do that with the simple mind we like to call man.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Yeah, but looking back they werent so subtle. She did nothing wrong and made an effort time and time again. Now she worn out and all I can do is wait.
CHAZ87 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I can agree they weren't to subtle, but still. I know my marriage wasn't the greatest, but I still love my wife no matter what. She kept telling me that we need counseling or I would lose her. I know that isn't to subtle, but I knew she was already in an EA and I was to stubborn to try and fix things before it happened. Like you said, we live with regret for not doing something as small as "listening". My hope is for you and your gf to reconcile before to long and you do your best in fulfilling her needs. Me, I fear my wife and I are to far apart, in the same house. Best of luck.
georgiagirl76 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Catch I know that right now you are hurting and regret is a natural feeling. Try to think about it this way- you were able to see something about the way you relate in a relationship and you are willing to change your behavior. I know you aren't ready to think of another relationship or another woman but perhaps there is one out there that will be even more fulfilling than the last. And the lesson you have learned here you will be able to put into play with her and show her all the things you are feeling. I know it isn't much consellation right now because you want the current ex back- just trying to possibly give you some hope and another angel. Hang in there. I am thinking about you and trying to take my own advice.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 the only thing I have going for me right now is that she hasnt told me to f**K off. I told her if there was no chance for us to tell me and not string me along. She stated she had to get right with her self and decide if she wanted to give me another chance. Im just afraid that if she waits too long she will get used to being without me and not think about the good times we had together. I want so bad to call her just to see how she is doing, but am fighting that temptation. I hope her "space" thing is not a nice way of letting me down and she truely wants to consider all of her options. It would be much easier for me if she said there was no hope, but right now that is all I have. I am not giving up on us.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 This no contact thing is killing me. I know if I want her back I have to stick to it but it is so hard. Everything I have read on here says that I sould not expect her to come back, but I feel that if I give her the space she needs she will come back. Went out for the first time as a "single" man tonight. It was so boring and hard I was all alone. All my running budies are recently married and I have no single friends to go out with. I have avoided alcohol for obvious reasons, but feel that the pressure is getting the best of me. I want her to see how much she means to me. I dont understand on how she could want the things that I am ready to give her one moment and now she isnt sure. How can a person who claims she still loves you do this to another. I know that if I was having feelings of doubt in the relationship that I would sit her down and speak loudly and firmly about my needs and wants and if she didnt hear me I would find a different way. If after hearing me she advised she was unable or willing to give me the things I want then it would be "goodbye!!" Why did she feel that she couldnt come to me in this manner. Was it the way I had blown her off in the past. I never knew, or for some reason refused to know, that there was a problem. I so sorry I hurt her and want to prove that I have changed. Sorry for the rambling, but Ive had a emotional eveing and doing this seems to offer temporary help. Thks for reading everyone.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 day 2 of NC and im feeling weaker than ever this morning. I want so much to call her this morning and give her some words of encouragement..I woke up at about 5am crying and asking why..when is this going to get easier "YESTERDAY IS HISTORY, TOMORROW IS A MYSTERY AND TODAY IS A GIFT"
Woggle Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Go out and do something. Go to a movie or something to ake your mind off of it.
Author CATCH 22 Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 So anyway this AM I broke NC and texted my ex giving her some words or encouragement, have a wonderful day hope you do well at work type of stuff. She replied, Thank you very much it meant alot to me. I know that NC is the best thing, but I also know now that my ex likes to feel good about her self by people complimenting her and making her feel good about her self. She also asked me how I was doing and I tried to appear alluf (sp). I told her that I was keeping real busy and taking care of myself. I was thinking about waiting another 3-4 days and contact her again with a "its all about you tone" is this a bad idea, should I see if she contacts me after today, or just not get my hopes up and assume its over and move on.
Beausene Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Wait until she contacts you. She will wonder how you are/what you're doing. Do not look desperate. I know it's hard, I went through the same thing.. After my boyfriend moved out (he stayed for 3 weeks after he broke up with me!) I decided that HE would be the one to initiate contact, cause before he left I was always crying and begging, and that did no good. It kind of pushed him away further. But after he left and I was on my own, he called me after a week or so and I pretended to be always busy. Anyways about 4 months later, we were back together, and I'm telling you, don't smother her.
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