adversity Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 After about 3 weeks of 'space' (during which we had occasional spats because i would get insecure and he would get mad and yell about how he couldn't handle anything at the moment), my boyfriend of 4 months (it was quite an intensive 4 month relationship and we were fighting quite a bit at the end because of time issues) told me he wanted to break up and it couldn't work out because he couldn't handle a relationship at the moment. i know he's been really stressed at work, but he said he also had personal issues which he needed to deal with and he couldn't tell me what they were because they were private and too embarrassing. He also said that he didn't think he loved me anymore, and it was easier for him to break up because he liked me less than before. He was very definite about the breakup, i thought... I sent him an email in which i told him all the nice things which i wanted to say to him, because i thought the time would never come again when i could tell him, and i wanted to end things on a nice note, even though i'm really hurt because i really wanted to try to work things out. I did say that even if we didn't talk again, i did really care for him. I said that because right now i don't think i'm ready to be friends, and i don't know where or whether i can fit him into my life, given that he behaved so badly and said really nasty things during the break-up. after two days, he msn-ed me about something really trivial, like how my friend and his colleague were in the same volleyball team. I called him and asked him to come over, but he said he couldn't because he had too many commitments. even ended the call saying i'll see you when i see you. 4 days later, i see him getting into a cab (his workplace is across from mine) and i can't really face him yet, so i sort of ducked into a doorway. but i felt really emotional and i sent him an email saying that i'd seen him and enclosing my journal entries from our time together, and also said that i knew i shouldn't tell him, but on saturday i was at this club and i was looking out for him and he wasn't there. He responds immediately with a long email thanking me for sending the journal entries to him, saying they were very sweet and it was funny how i had these yo-yo emotions. he also said that he was actually supposed to be at that club after dinner with his friends, but he was tired and went home instead but he was sorry he wasn't there, because it would have been nice to run into me and put a smile on my face. He then said it was really bizarre because so many small things had happened to him over the weekend that he wanted to tell me about because he knew i would find them funny but he wasn't sure what the rules were so he thought he would err on the side of caution and not call/write me. he signs off saying he hopes i'm well and 'btw, that request for a hug i get to make is also reciprocated if you ever need one'. Of course I find that email not quite to my liking, because hey, i want one that says 'i miss you too, let's try again'. And i'm not sure i'm ready to be friends the way he wants, but i thought never mind, let's take baby steps, so i told him he could start by telling me the story about bumping into my friend. Then i realise that this could probably be construed by him as putting pressure on him to contact me, so i send him another email saying that i hope he doesn't misunderstand, i do respect his decision to break up and i just really did want to hear the story, and if he had any other stories to tell me, why not. He doesn't respond, but he calls me in the evening to ask me about this restaurant that we'd gone to before, and about other chinese restaurants in the area, because they were going to take a client there. i just answered his questions and told him he would have to make a booking because they were really busy but i didn't have the number. He then sends me an email setting out the phone numbers for the restaurant and saying "You'd better keep them, b/c I'm not saving these numbers, and the next time I want them, I'll call you! :)" I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, or whether i'm reading too much into things. Of course i hope that he still likes me (despite what he said during the break up) and that we can get back together. But i also know that maybe he really does just treat me as a friend now, and he's just trying to be nice to assuage his guilt or whatever. I'm not really sure what to do next. I'm not going to push him, because we all know pushing them just makes them stronger in their conviction that breaking up with you is the right thing to do. Do you think there is still a chance for us? What should i do? i don't know what is going on in his head at all. i would like to know, because i don't know whether i should just give him some time to sort things out, or just move on. Help!
roxyg Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 It really sounds like he wants to keep the relationship at a friends status. Although he is emailing you and calling you, his demeanor is of "friends." If it is too hard for you to let him go, and let the relationship settle with friends, then perhaps you should stop contacting him. It sounds as if the breakup was harder on you than him, and by continuing pursuing him, you are prolonging the need to move on. Good luck with whatever happens.
Author adversity Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 I still don't know what's going on. i wrote him an email and apologized for my role in our relationship and it was sort of a 'closure' email for me. the next thing i know is he's calling me and telling me not to send him sad emails because it makes him sad too and i should keep my sadness all to myself, and saying it was such a sweet mail. Then he texts me at night and tells me good night and all that. Since then for the last 5 days we've had contact every single day.if i don't call him he calls me, but he always has to have some purpose to his call, e.g. returning one dvd i don't even want. sometimes he forgets himself and uses his old terms of endearment. we're supposed to meet on saturday for a couple of hours too. but it was really weird coz monday i was trying to be friendly and i made a joke on text about his losing a game to old people, and he called me and said, sorry, you were going to ask me out to dinner? and i was confused and said no. and then he said oh so you just wanted to make fun of me well anyway i just wanted to say i'm really tired and i'm probably just going to head home. but all through the week i would say he's been quite distant most of the time. anyway today in the morning my mom dropped me off at work and it just so happens that he got out of a cab right in front of me, so he walked me to my office on the way to his office. And throughout the walk he just kept checking me out very obviously, and he was like, why didn't you wear that kind of outfit when we were dating? i felt really hurt by that remark, because yet again he seems to be rubbing it in my face that we're broken up and he's totally accepted it, but i didn't really show that. all i did was wryly say thanks, and he said, i'm KIDDING and took my arm and squeezed it. Anyway we get to my office and 5 minutes later my phone rings and it's him. he says he just rang coz he wanted to tell me i looked so hot. and i say thanks and hang up the phone. i'm really confused now. what on earth does he want? how should i take it from here? i sort of do want him back, but i also want to take it really slow because i think our problem before was that we just went at it too fast. and also i think he's a bit fickle minded. But I don't think i should bring up the topic of reconciliation because the last i heard on the subject was that he wasn't going to change his mind and i suppose i should respect his decision. So... any suggestions? (Besides the obvious one of losing the deadweight )
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