I keep ruining it

[AtALosss]

I (21M) have been seeing this wonderful person (21F). But I am at a loss (hence the username) since I don't know how to make this work.

 

At the moment we are long distance (temporary, we have a timeline), we met 4 months ago on Tinder, she was visiting my country for work as she often does and we hit it off immediately. We have both now deleted our accounts and everything is magical when we are together in person, we texted for a month or so before I flew out to see her.

 

She is different from anyone I've ever met. She has a lot of stress in her life as she is expected to one day take over her father's very successful company, she has already travelled around the world for work, she is in martial arts, very artistic and talented, loves animals and, even though I don't care much for materialistic things, she drives nice motorcycles and cars. Especially for a guy my age, it is pretty hot to see a stunner on a mean motorcycle.. She has great taste in that department!

 

She's had one relationship that was very abusive, it lasted for years. She was also bullied a lot when she was younger as she came off as an easy target, or so she thinks - she was a fragile sweetheart, tiny and shy. She developed a severe panic disorder and now she still feels it sometimes, I often catch her touching her nose or forehead when she's more stressed out than usual, it is apparently like a "ritual", when she gets anxious, her face goes numb. So she is pretty much confirming that her nose and forehead are still there.. She describes it as an inconvenience, but high-functioning depression is something that still affects her life tremendously. Anti-depressants have not worked but she has found other methods that help her deal with it. I wouldn't have guessed that she even struggles with it, but she has confessed that sometimes it really hits her. She was first diagnosed with depression when she was 13.

 

She has gone through a lot, those were just some points I wanted to make. She has a tough shell around her now, although she opened up to me a lot. But I keep messing up.

 

I am very emotional. She is more head over heart at this point, after all the abuse she went through. We have had many fights when we've been apart, over nothing. She's been very kind but sometimes I just randomly get insecure and I lash out. I've said horrible things to her. I blame her a lot. I complain about everything. Yesterday she mentioned that my constant negativity (it is constant, I make a fuss about everything in my life and rant about it to her) is clouding her mindset, that if she is going to even have a personal life, it should be comforting and pleasant, not constantly negative and stressful. Well that pissed me off and I got cruel. And that's how it goes every single time.

 

She has tolerated it, but this time she says "I am not sure". She doesn't know what to do with us. That she doesn't want to think about it. We'll meet soon and she said that she doesn't think she's ready to kiss me again when we first see each other at the airport. That all these fights (more than once a week, longest "good" stretch was one week) are exhausting her and that she feels resentment. We called yesterday for over an hour and the vast majority I was crying on the phone.

 

Why do I constantly feel the need to lash out? She has done so much for me, at first she would disappear for hours when we had a fight, then she promised to stick around and not disappear, instead try to talk it out as I told her it hurts me. She also takes time off of work to call me and argue because I request it. She's so rational all the time that sometimes I just don't feel loved or cared for, can't believe I'm saying this. I know I make a fuss about nothing, but for some reason I always expect her to just comfort me no matter what, her telling me the fuss is pointless pisses me off.

 

What is wrong with me even?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what is wrong with you but I agree that something needs to change. That may not be possible without professional help.

 

The idea that you have been together long distance for a measly 4 months & have so many fights (plural) that now when you see each other again she is saying she can't kiss you is a terrible sign. It's way too much drama for such a short time which should be the HM phase of your relationship.

 

You need to find a way to chill & let things go. When you feel yourself getting insecure, acknowledge that but control your baser impulse to "lash out." Whatever it is that you are feeling in on you, not caused by her. It's unfair to blame her or lash out at her. Stop making a fuss about everything & learn to be more positive. Try this: Make a gratitude journal. Every day when you wake up write down 3 things that you are grateful for. They don't have to be profound but you should try to come up with different ones. At night before you go to bed, write down 3 more. Mine included things like a soothing cup of tea, my snuggly down comforter on a cold winter's night, the random love text I got from my husband etc. Once a week, read your whole journal. This exercise helps to keep the bad thoughts at bay.

 

You really have to stop expecting her to take time off work to argue with you. In the real world when Daddy doesn't own the company, behavior like that gets people fired. At such a short time in most people would deem you too high maintenance & not worth the effort of coddling your insecurities. If you turn cruel as you admit when you get upset, I'd kick you to the curb in a heartbeat. To avoid having this pattern repeat itself throughout your life, get a handle on it now.

 

 

In the short term do the following:

 

1. Start the journal I recommended above

 

2. Book a therapy appointment.

 

3. Handwrite a short heartfelt apology letter to her. No more then one page. Include in it that you are in therapy, that you are grateful she's in your life & that you are trying to be more positive.

 

4. Send her apology flowers.

[clia]

Your girlfriend has gone from one abusive relationship to another. The best thing you could do for her -- if you really love her -- is to let her go and find a man who will treat her well and won't lash out and start fights with her. You aren't that man.

 

For yourself, get counseling.

[Gretchen12]

You bully her because you can, just like the others when she was young. She's your easy target. You only think about how you feel and you act on those feelings. Actually one can be emotional without acting on it. When you lash out you are being emotionally abusive. You know what you do is wrong, I read that in your post. But you do it anyway. Think about it: You CAN help it. You DO have control of what words come out of your mouth. You can learn new behavior but unfortunately you'll lose a few good women before you get it right.

 

Also keep in mind that depression doesn't mean feeling sad and blue, it means unable to feel normally. Sometimes the disease and its medication makes the person appear stoic. It's like the person is debilitated by it, but the meds will allow the person to go through daily routines like a zombie. Anyway, even without depression, people will emotionally shut down on you when you lash out.

[alphamale]

she's looking for a green card man

[AtALosss]

I don't know what is wrong with you but I agree that something needs to change. That may not be possible without professional help.

 

The idea that you have been together long distance for a measly 4 months & have so many fights (plural) that now when you see each other again she is saying she can't kiss you is a terrible sign. It's way too much drama for such a short time which should be the HM phase of your relationship.

 

You need to find a way to chill & let things go. When you feel yourself getting insecure, acknowledge that but control your baser impulse to "lash out." Whatever it is that you are feeling in on you, not caused by her. It's unfair to blame her or lash out at her. Stop making a fuss about everything & learn to be more positive. Try this: Make a gratitude journal. Every day when you wake up write down 3 things that you are grateful for. They don't have to be profound but you should try to come up with different ones. At night before you go to bed, write down 3 more. Mine included things like a soothing cup of tea, my snuggly down comforter on a cold winter's night, the random love text I got from my husband etc. Once a week, read your whole journal. This exercise helps to keep the bad thoughts at bay.

 

You really have to stop expecting her to take time off work to argue with you. In the real world when Daddy doesn't own the company, behavior like that gets people fired. At such a short time in most people would deem you too high maintenance & not worth the effort of coddling your insecurities. If you turn cruel as you admit when you get upset, I'd kick you to the curb in a heartbeat. To avoid having this pattern repeat itself throughout your life, get a handle on it now.

 

 

In the short term do the following:

 

1. Start the journal I recommended above

 

2. Book a therapy appointment.

 

3. Handwrite a short heartfelt apology letter to her. No more then one page. Include in it that you are in therapy, that you are grateful she's in your life & that you are trying to be more positive.

 

4. Send her apology flowers.

 

I will try the journaling. I really do not know why she has tolerated my behavior, every single time I suddenly become incredibly selfish, I don't understand why. I will look into therapy.

[AtALosss]

Your girlfriend has gone from one abusive relationship to another. The best thing you could do for her -- if you really love her -- is to let her go and find a man who will treat her well and won't lash out and start fights with her. You aren't that man.

 

For yourself, get counseling.

 

I feel the need to fix this. She often tells me to go find someone who makes me happy if she can't do that for me, if I don't try, it's over. Which is why I also have bothered her at work, I want things to be fixed immediately so I know it's going to be okay. I do not want to lose her. I do care about her.

[AtALosss]

You bully her because you can, just like the others when she was young. She's your easy target. You only think about how you feel and you act on those feelings. Actually one can be emotional without acting on it. When you lash out you are being emotionally abusive. You know what you do is wrong, I read that in your post. But you do it anyway. Think about it: You CAN help it. You DO have control of what words come out of your mouth. You can learn new behavior but unfortunately you'll lose a few good women before you get it right.

 

Also keep in mind that depression doesn't mean feeling sad and blue, it means unable to feel normally. Sometimes the disease and its medication makes the person appear stoic. It's like the person is debilitated by it, but the meds will allow the person to go through daily routines like a zombie. Anyway, even without depression, people will emotionally shut down on you when you lash out.

 

I really don't want to abuse or bully her, I never thought I did. When I feel down, she makes my mood so much worse, why can she not just tell me that things will be alright? I am stressed too, I am constantly doing things, she often tells me to just deal with it. That in real life, that's how things are and such, and I know that's true. But why not have compassion? She did in the past, now she says that she gets sick of it and doesn't want the negativity. Am I not allowed to tell my partner what's happening in my life? I have taken it too far and just spam her with negativity, I told her I'd stop that and the complaining. But all she says is that she's angry, because of the things I've said.

 

The way I get anything out of her is if I become mean. Otherwise she shuts down. That kills me because I don't know if it's going to be okay or not.

[AtALosss]

she's looking for a green card man

 

So she could hang it on a wall as she has no intentions leaving her home country.

[AtALosss]

She often tells me my actions are up to me, that she is her own person and not in charge of how I behave. But it is so easy to calm me down, I just need a little comfort. When she starts telling me things I already know, I get mad as I'm already upset. I want us to work together in that sense, partners should make each other feel better.

[clia]

The two of you sound very incompatible other than that she remains an easy target for bullying -- from you. It's not normal to be fighting on a weekly basis (especially over nothing) at four months into a relationship. This should be your honeymoon period. Everything should be wonderful. Instead, you are lashing out at her. If she isn't giving you what you need, then she isn't the right person for you and you should move on. I remain convinced you are not the right person from her and she has only gotten herself into another abusive relationship. I feel sorry for her because she doesn't know any better.

 

Your behavior sounds really unhealthy. You could probably benefit from seeing a therapist.

[preraph]

You're an emotional mess and you need to get an appointment with a real psychologist and plan on being there for a while. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

You are entitled to seek comfort from your SO but not all the time & especially not when she's at work. You need for everything to be addressed on your schedule according to your mood is selfish. Stop & think about how she feels.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are entitled to seek comfort from your SO but not all the time & especially not when she's at work. You need for everything to be addressed on your schedule according to your mood is selfish. Stop & think about how she feels.

 

Exactly this.

 

The very fact you cannot seem to comprehend this without it having spelled out to you indicates you really need help, OP.

 

You don't appear to be able to express your fears and anxiety in a way that isn't abusive and destructive, and yes, that is on you. You are still very much taking a victim stance in this thread, which suggests you really aren't getting what we're all trying to tell you about why your behaviour is so inappropriate.

 

Your relationship is very likely going to end. It's been short, full of drama, it's long-distance, and she's already taking big steps away from you. This isn't what long-lasting partnerships are made of. Use the near-inevitable break-up as a turning point for yourself and seek out a good therapist. You are going to need to engage in some serious self-reflection and hard work so you don't repeat the same things in the future.

[BaileyB]

I feel the need to fix this. She often tells me to go find someone who makes me happy if she can't do that for me, if I don't try, it's over. Which is why I also have bothered her at work, I want things to be fixed immediately so I know it's going to be okay. I do not want to lose her. I do care about her.

 

With respect, you can’t “fix this” until you “fix yourself.” This kind of behaviour is not acceptable in any relationship and very few women would tolerate it.

 

You are young and you have a lot to learn, including how to self regulate your own emotions and how to behave respectfully in a relationship. That’s your work.

 

As for her, she is clearly struggling with mental health issues and she has a lot to learn given her history of abusive relationships. The fact that you have created this “fantasy” about her and that you have had so much conflict in your very short, long distance relationship are two HUGE flags that your expectations are not reasonable, your communication skills and self-control are lacking, and this relationship is not healthy.

 

Take some time to deal with your issues. Get some help - see a Counsellor. And leave this woman alone if that is what she wants... stop harassing her at work.

[BaileyB]

She often tells me my actions are up to me, that she is her own person and not in charge of how I behave. But it is so easy to calm me down, I just need a little comfort. When she starts telling me things I already know, I get mad as I'm already upset. I want us to work together in that sense, partners should make each other feel better.

 

Your partner is not responsible to sooth you, comfort you, calm you, heal you, or anything else... You put that responsibility on a woman and watch her walk right out the door.

 

The best relationships are those where two emotionally healthy people come together - both able to manage their own emotions, deal with their own stress, and manage their own lives without having to dump it all on their partner and expecting their partner to deal with it.

 

What you are expecting of this woman is unfair. It shows weakness and immaturity for you. She is entirely right and I’m impressed that she has the wisdom and the strength to tell you that she is her own person and as such, not in charge of your behaviour. Only you are responsible for your own behaviour.

 

Another way to say it, because she is being kind... You need to get yourself together or you will not be able to have or keep a healthy, long term relationship.

[spiderowl]

It sounds to me like you have a build up of frustrated and unhappy emotions that could go back some way. You need someone to understand you and we all need that.

 

What is hard for us to know is whether she is responding in a logical way to you when you just need comfort. If you are seeking a hug or reassurance and it is obvious to her, then maybe she really cannot be bothered with that. You need to question whether she is right for you.

 

I suspect that you are seeking comfort and understanding but your methods of seeking it are out of order - complaining, being angry, being wound up. We all get like that from time to time, but if there is too much of that, then you need to ask yourself where this anger and frustration is coming from. You also need to recognise it is nothing to do with her and therefore it is something you need to deal with by seeking professional help if necessary.

 

Lashing out is never good in a relationship. It will lead to damage, mistrust and fear. You seem to understand her mental health problems and want to support her and yet what you are doing will lead her to fear you and avoid you.

 

One thing I have learned myself is that frustration leads to anger which can lead to depression. I felt 'why do people not understand', 'why do they not see what is happening', 'why am I facing such difficulties while they seem to have a charmed life'. You may have faced a lot of difficulty yourself and you need someone to help you learn about this and work through your own fears and anger. It can't be your girlfriend though.

[AtALosss]

What I can’t deal with is how I am letting someone so perfect go. She is gorgeous, so loving and happy about life even after a tough childhood and all else. When I’m around her in person, I’m calm and happy. The fact that she isn’t really consistent with texting (I know she works a lot but for a person you care about, you take time out of your day), she hasn’t said “I like you” for weeks and nkw won’t even say “I miss you” back, it all drives me over the edge. And then the comments “go find someone who will make you happy” makes me feel like she just doesn’t care. How can she just let me go? I fight for her every single time.

 

I messaged and said I’m scared of what’s gonna happen to us. She says she doesn’t want to think about it now so she won’t worry about it, but as of now, she is not happy. I’m not even angry, just heartbroken. I can’t sleep either.

 

I’m almost trying to sabotage this so she’d leave. What drives me crazy is that she has said we are not exclusive as she wants to be sure and still needs time to trust me, if she will leave me then, considering she is content and happy alone, the guy she’ll fall for will be so much better than me.

 

I think she’s just been kind to me because she feels bad.

[BaileyB]

What I can’t deal with is how I am letting someone so perfect go. The fact that she isn’t really consistent with texting (I know she works a lot but for a person you care about, you take time out of your day), she hasn’t said “I like you” for weeks and nkw won’t even say “I miss you” back, it all drives me over the edge.

 

I’m not even angry, just heartbroken. I can’t sleep either. .

 

Dude, nobody is perfect. You have created a fantasy relationship with this woman and if I was her, I would be feeling so much pressure that I would be walking away. And, I would be really creeped out!

 

No disrespect intended, but you are the kind of guy that I worry about going over the edge for real and doing something crazy/hurting her. You have unrealistic expectations, your self esteem is poor which is why you cling to this woman like a child to his mother, and you lack the skills to have a healthy relationship and the coping skills to deal with the breakup of the relationship.

 

My friend, let’s gain some perspective here. You are 21 years old. This is unlikely to be your “forever” relationship - if there is such a thing. She is probably the first of many women you will date. Please, find yourself a counsellor and do what you need to do to get yourself together. It will be ok.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

With respect, you can’t “fix this” until you “fix yourself.” This kind of behaviour is not acceptable in any relationship and very few women would tolerate it.

You are young and you have a lot to learn, including how to self regulate your own emotions and how to behave respectfully in a relationship. That’s your work.

 

As for her, she is clearly struggling with mental health issues and she has a lot to learn given her history of abusive relationships. The fact that you have created this “fantasy” about her and that you have had so much conflict in your very short, long distance relationship are two HUGE flags that your expectations are not reasonable, your communication skills and self-control are lacking, and this relationship is not healthy.

 

Take some time to deal with your issues. Get some help - see a Counsellor. And leave this woman alone if that is what she wants... stop harassing her at work.

 

I agree here! You need to work on yourself (get help, counseling etc). You are not ready for a relationship and if something isn't done, she will leave. Very true that few women (men too) would put up w/this behavior. I dated a guy who tried manipulating me, accusing me of cheating (plus other things) and crying practically every time we hung out. That was emotionally draining. As much as I wanted a relationship, I would have rather been single forever then deal w/a person like that. I dumped him after a few weeks and wasn't even sad.

[alphamale]

So she could hang it on a wall as she has no intentions leaving her home country.

so then you have to move there AAL??