JuneL Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I think the OP needs to hear from the various women on this forum who run background checks and complete extensive social media searches on men they're dating. The information the man in question has gathered pales in comparison. In this time and age, even my doctor googled me! The OP actually reminds me of my friend who is super tech UNsavvy, and would be super paranoid whenever such things are involved.
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 (edited) I think at this point it is hard to tell whether he is a potential stalker or just a guy who is taking a great interest in you. You haven't said that any of the dates have been bad or that he has been controlling while you have been with him. In fact you seemed to like him. It would be a shame if you were to avoid a nice guy because of fears of stalking. I do think, however, that it would be wise to be careful and not give away identifiers such as: Email address Surname Landline number (well any phone number but you need to be able to speak to the guy you are dating) Workplace name or address Specific role at work if it is a small workplace Places where you shop regularly or hang out with your friends Sports places you attend regularly Church you go to regularly These things are important until you get to know a guy and have built trust. It sounds like you don't trust him. Maybe your gut instinct is telling you something; maybe not. Does something else bother you about this guy? It may sound weird that maybe that he is as I said before "too" nice, "too" caring and at the same time when he asked me for my full name and I was hesitating, he was insisting - in a nice way but still. I didn't think of it before. Sometimes I think he is genuine, sometimes I think it may be an act. He said himself once he is "empathetic". Or I am overreacting, now I don't know. He knew the distance from dating app. We were using phone at that time but apparently he was still checking the distance between us. Edited April 18, 2019 by SurDeFil
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Ya I remember this dating app being advertised where they show everyone's location of the places visited or visiting in real time, and match you up that way. I haven't seen it on TV for a few years now...maybe they ditched it, realizing it not such a good idea, and it could be dangerous for women.
emeraldgreen Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 If it's not stalking, it's just too weird anyway. A non-desperate person doesn't do that. I had to cut loose an otherwise nice girl recently because her interest level veered too much into investigation territory. For example, I never gave her my Instagram ID, but when I recently said I was going to the cinema alone, she texted back "Shazam!". When I asked how she knew what movie I was seeing, she skirted but, having posted the movie poster in my IG story just before, I could tell she viewed the story yet wouldn't admit to knowing how I was seeing it. Add that to a handful of similar things and it becomes unsettling and unattractive. 3
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 If it's not stalking, it's just too weird anyway. A non-desperate person doesn't do that. ^ This. And someone earlier made some equation between a background check and stalking. Checking to see if someone is married or has a criminal background is always justified. Checking up on where a near-stranger is and what's she's doing is not at all justified. And yes, desperate and stalkerish. 1
Shining One Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 And someone earlier made some equation between a background check and stalking. Checking to see if someone is married or has a criminal background is always justified. Checking up on where a near-stranger is and what's she's doing is not at all justified. And yes, desperate and stalkerish.How do we know the woman emeraldgreen is referring to didn't search his Instagram to determine if he was married? Plenty of women on here scour a man's FaceBook and/or Instagram to confirm that he is single. Your reasoning is that intent justifies the data collection. Lets say I agree with that. You're assuming that the man the OP is referring to has malicious intent. I would argue that we don't have enough information to draw that conclusion. It comes across (to me) like an amateurish attempt to impress the OP. This is something I could easily see my younger, less experienced self doing. 1
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Ever heard of being careful? We're talking about women, sometimes very naive women, meeting up with someone they don't even know anything about except whatever the person tells her. No one needs to justify a background check on a stranger before they meet them. Trouble is, most people won't have enough information to do it because if the person doesn't want to be found out, they'll lie anyway. 3
emeraldgreen Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 How do we know the woman emeraldgreen is referring to didn't search his Instagram to determine if he was married? Plenty of women on here scour a man's FaceBook and/or Instagram to confirm that he is single. Yeah, and it's weird. When you're starting out with someone, you earn the details of their life over time in a measured way that both people are comfortable with. When one person rushes the due diligence in a way that makes the other feel creeped out, it creates an imbalance. You're not entitled to the details of someone's life just because you met them. Checking if I'm married is a one-time thing. Knowing my daily movements on a platform I haven't even divulged means repeated checking up, i.e., stalking. 2
bathtub-row Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 There was a cute article once by a guy who was a writer from DC and he and his wife moved to Santa Fe, NM to retire there. He said that most people there wanted to forget the past and start new lives. Then he said, “But we all go home and google each other to see what they did.” He said that tongue-in-cheek but my point is, most people are curious about others and try to find out info about them but most of us know not to broadcast it. This guy seems to be proud of his stalking and doesn’t seem to know that what he’s saying is inappropriate. The stalker I once got involved with showed problematic signs very soon, too. On one of our dates, he bragged about how he screws people over who wrong him. I dumped him pretty quickly but he soon wreaked havoc on my life. I don’t know if this guy is a stalker or not but it’s a possibility. 1
bathtub-row Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 It may sound weird that maybe that he is as I said before "too" nice, "too" caring and at the same time when he asked me for my full name and I was hesitating, he was insisting - in a nice way but still. I didn't think of it before. Sometimes I think he is genuine, sometimes I think it may be an act. He said himself once he is "empathetic". Or I am overreacting, now I don't know. He knew the distance from dating app. We were using phone at that time but apparently he was still checking the distance between us. You need to go with your instincts. A gentleman wouldn’t pressure a woman to reveal private info. He would respect her desire to protect herself, especially in this day and age. 1
OatsAndHall Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Although I do find the guy's approach to be creepy, I'll openly admit to having done thorough background and social media checks on the women I have dated. I had a stalker who tried to break into my house when I broke it off with her. Had I done some digging before we dated, I would've found out she was completely unhinged. She had stalking and assault charges pressed against her by her ex husband and it was in the news. On two different occasions, I did a social media check on women I met just to find out they were married. But, there's a difference between being smart and making sure that the person you're seeing is stable and actually single and casually bringing up information you've dug up about a person in passing. Or being focused on the location a media app is spitting out. I wouldn't call the guy a "stalker" but I'd certainly say he has some serious boundary issues and is too focused on the wrong things. I s'pose this is a cautionary tale to folks who are active on social media sites and the internet. Be careful about the information you post as it'll be accessible to anyone. I turn off the location feature on any app as I don't want to be low jacked by my own cell phone. I very rarely post when I'm and about as I don't want people to randomly know what I'm doing. I have many friends and acquaintances who post enough information on social media to give me a pretty good idea what their daily schedule looks like.. 1
BaileyB Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) I am Uber cautious when dating new men, but by the third date my boyfriend knew where I worked and where I lived... I’m glad I trusted him because we have been together for three years now. This would usually be the time in dating when I would start to let my guard down and share some information... That said, if your gut is telling you that it doesn’t feel good, then you need to listen to your gut. We have our instincts for a reason, to keep us safe. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Edited April 19, 2019 by BaileyB 2
preraph Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 ^ That's right about listening to your instincts. Her instincts were firing red flags all over the place on this guy, so she's right to take it seriously. We have instincts developed for our survival over thousands of years to sense a potential threat or predator. Just like animals can sense a predator. 1
kendahke Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 What exactly he said is that he saw my location was changed (he figured I am in that city) and based on distance he checked with compass on the map as we discussed "he is good with maps". It was separate case back then so I brushed it off. Did you, in fact, have a conversation with him prior about him being good with maps? Because that's a manipulation tactic---gaslighting to be precise. Be careful of anyone who's like "don't you remember?" when you know daggone well you two had never had that discussion. 1
Author SurDeFil Posted April 19, 2019 Author Posted April 19, 2019 Yes, we actually were talking about it. However, I am thinking if he might manipulate me by saying things like "I don't want to be pushy", I don't want to impose myself". Or maybe he's aware he has problem with that and that's why he's saying it. He seems to me like person who has a problem with letting go and relaxing.
OatsAndHall Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 ^ that's scary, Oats. Yup. Doing background and social media checks may seem like an invasion of privacy to some but it saved me from getting my a-- kicked (or worse) by an angry husband twice. And, I only met one of those women over OLD; I set up a date with the other woman in RL while bowling with some friends. But, again, people need to be careful of what they post on social media. "I see you do lift at a gym right next to that cool little diner on the corner of 5th and Grand. We should grab a a bite to eat after you're done with a work out. I'm assuming Tuesday would work best for you as you get done earlier then. Or maybe I could join you when you take Fido on his Saturday afternoon walk; I love the park that you guys go to." I could literally say that to a female friend of mine, given all of the information she posts on social media. And, that's just mentioning what pops up on my feed. 1
bathtub-row Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 Yes, we actually were talking about it. However, I am thinking if he might manipulate me by saying things like "I don't want to be pushy", I don't want to impose myself". Or maybe he's aware he has problem with that and that's why he's saying it. He seems to me like person who has a problem with letting go and relaxing. That’s dead on correct. A person who feels the need to state that they’re not a certain type is probably exactly that type. Your instincts are screaming at you. Don’t ignore them. 1
Oceansfun Posted April 19, 2019 Posted April 19, 2019 I’ve been guilty of doing a google search to guys I’ve gone out with a few times. Like I search them on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram. Those 3. I’m curious to find out if their stories add up. I’ve never really asked a guy questions to what he didn’t tell me already , because if I did-that would be creepy. I mean, say that the guy went to a party and he didn’t tell me and I only found out because I looked at his social which he didn’t even know that I was even looking and we aren’t even friends on social media. He would think that would be creepy
Author SurDeFil Posted April 19, 2019 Author Posted April 19, 2019 I won't lie, I also do it sometimes. I mostly check Facebook to see if this person exists and if they publish some disturbing stuff. However, I would never bring these stuff to the other person because as you said it's creepy.
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