SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Hello, A month ago I met a guy on a dating site. We were texting for a week, he seemed nice and i agreed to go out with him. He seemed very interesting, polite, gentleman type, quite nerdy. We were talking for 2 hours and it was a great first date. Then I was going for a business trip (another time zone) so for the next two weeks we were texting every day, of course less intensively due to signiicant time difference and still it was going very well, we had a lot in common and he was very smart and nice to talk to. When I came back to my home country (I live in Europe), he texted me "did you transfer in ...(here name of the city)?" and as he didn't tell him where I had my transfer flight and he was correct. I asked him how did he know. He said "I told you before I'm good with maps". I felt uneasy but as till then he seemed completely normal and a good guy, I decided maybe he wanted to "show off" with his intellectual abilities in some sense (I know, maybe it's stupid). We were still in touch and he asked me out again. I agreed. On that date he introduced himself (name and surname) asked about my name as well (I knew his name long time ago as he gave me his email address, so now I see he just wanted to have my surname...), but then I didn't think it's odd. On a third date again 3h of talking, one of the best dates I ever had but when we were leaving he asked me "do you work on ... street?". I told him before the company I work in but never told him the street, he had to check it himself. Then I started to analyse all of that and I also noticed that once he was analysing my schedule ("ok, so this and this day you have your language course, do you have other activities?") but I thought he just wants to know when we can plan the dates as in fact I am busy on some of the evenings. However, when I didn't want to tell him he went quiet. Also during all this month he asked me where I go to the gym (I lied just in case) and and the end of last date wanted to walk me home but I said I would prefer to go home alone. He seemed not pushy - he asked if I want to keep seeing him as he do not want to push me, he did not text or call too much, he was always polite and I would say a little charming. Many of his actions I interpreted as just being interested in me as I can feel it but now I am thinking he might be a potential stalker. If so, how should I end it?
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 That made me feel so anxious just reading it. I know a lot about stalkers and their mindset what they do and how they do it. This guy is surveilling you and trying to pin down every detail about you so that you have no wiggle room whatsoever and so that he can always surveil you. One thing I know about stalkers and obsessive people in general is the longer you allow them to remain invested the harder they will be to get rid of and to deal with it. I strongly suggest you call it off with him now. these type guys can be dangerous and are always very annoying and in your business. Seriously. He's looking at your IP address to see where you're at. this is a guy who will put a tracker on you without you knowing it and do may with cameras in your home. Obviously he is very very controlling. Controlling people are abusive people. Just get out of this now. he knows exactly what he's done so you do not even owe him an explanation. You should block him on everything, your phone social media etc. Do not be surprised if he shows up at your door. Do not answer the door if he does. Expect him to show up at your work outside. Walk out your car with someone. you may want to write him an email telling him you don't want to hear from him again and nothing more. Because just in case he turns into a big problem this soon, you'll need to have proof that you have told him to leave you alone. I'm thinking if you go ahead and ditch him right now, maybe he'll move on but I have known someone who only saw someone once and couldn't get rid of him for three years. 1
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 Thanks for the replies. We met on a dating app that is showing how far is the other person. After this incident I removed him so he could not monitor it any more. He does not know where I live. 2
JuneL Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I have a different take on this. A true stalker wouldn’t have revealed what he knew about you before the actual stalking takes place. I think he’s just a socially awkward guy who is a little too attached to you. I actually met a guy like this, who seemed to care about the little details in my life more than myself. Whereas I personally found him too beta for my taste, I could totally see some women loved how caring he was. There are usually only a few possible connecting cities for a given flight between two places. In terms of your office location, one can easily obtain by googling, especially you’re the one who gave him the company name. I think his mistake was he didn’t know revealing his having googled you made him sound like a creep, even though everyone of us is doing every day. 2
JuneL Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Thanks for the replies. We met on a dating app that is showing how far is the other person. After this incident I removed him so he could not monitor it any more. He does not know where I live. He can easily find your home address, if he’s a true stalker.
Highndry Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 He doesn't sound like a stalker at all. A stalker would be a sneaky kind of guy who is compiling info about you but not sharing what he's doing. I think this guy is honestly just interested in you and your life. Sure, be careful, but I don't think you have anything to worry about. 2
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 Thanks for your answers. He was a little shy on our dates but I would not say he is beta male. So then.. if he is open about all these stuff can it mean he is controlling not a stalker? Controlling partner is not good option either.
JuneL Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Thanks for your answers. He was a little shy on our dates but I would not say he is beta male. So then.. if he is open about all these stuff can it mean he is controlling not a stalker? Controlling partner is not good option either. He’s just very socially awkward. But you have every right not to see him anymore. Personally I’d rather be with a man a tiny bit of controlling than very socially awkward
kendahke Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 He seemed not pushy - he asked if I want to keep seeing him as he do not want to push me, he did not text or call too much, he was always polite and I would say a little charming. Many of his actions I interpreted as just being interested in me as I can feel it but now I am thinking he might be a potential stalker. If so, how should I end it? I'm sure Ted Bundy's victims all thought he was cute and charming, too... What you've written has creeped me out for you. He knows way too much of your information for someone you've only gone out with less than 5 times. I'd start scaling back interactions with him. If he asks, tell him that you're not ready to date anyone new and then stop taking his calls.
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 I'm sure Ted Bundy's victims all thought he was cute and charming, too... What you've written has creeped me out for you. He knows way too much of your information for someone you've only gone out with less than 5 times. I'd start scaling back interactions with him. If he asks, tell him that you're not ready to date anyone new and then stop taking his calls. I think you are right.. safety first!
kendahke Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I'm sure Ted Bundy's victims all thought he was cute and charming, too... What you've written has creeped me out for you. He knows way too much of your information for someone you've only gone out with less than 5 times. I'd start scaling back interactions with him. If he asks, tell him that you're not ready to date anyone new and then stop taking his calls. to add: He might seem nice and awkward until he's showing up unannounced at your job or where you work out or out with your family. 1
smackie9 Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I would tell him straight up that he's not respecting your privacy. Wish him well. Block/delete. 3
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Thanks for the replies. We met on a dating app that is showing how far is the other person. After this incident I removed him so he could not monitor it any more. He does not know where I live. I just think that's a terrible idea (that type app), frankly. Not really safe. Glad you took him off. I hope he doesn't find out where you live and pop by. Don't answer the door if that should happen, and don't go out without asking someone to come by first and walk you or calling the police. Because if he has the cheek to do something uninvited, he IS bad news. Hopefully, this way he will just be thinking, Oh, well, got ghosted again. What am I doing wrong? hah.
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 What is disturbing is that when I met him he seemed really normal and articulate. However now I think he could be "too polite" and "caring". I thought I finally met the nice guy, oh well... and turned out to be a weirdo.
Shining One Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 When I came back to my home country (I live in Europe), he texted me "did you transfer in ...(here name of the city)?" and as he didn't tell him where I had my transfer flight and he was correct. I asked him how did he know. He said "I told you before I'm good with maps". I felt uneasy but as till then he seemed completely normal and a good guy, I decided maybe he wanted to "show off" with his intellectual abilities in some sense (I know, maybe it's stupid).This stood out to me because I've somewhat been in this situation. I was dating a woman and she had just returned from a business trip the morning before a scheduled date. On that date, I asked her how long was her layover in a certain city. She then asked me: How did you know I was in that city? Have you been stalking me? (She said this in a joking tone). She had told me which airline she was flying in a previous conversation and I correctly assumed she would be stopping at their major hub on her way back. 1
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 He said he checked it based on the distance, that felt weird for me (?) I am not sure if I told him which airline I am taking. I don't understand why he simply didn't ask, I would tell him.
JuneL Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 This stood out to me because I've somewhat been in this situation. I was dating a woman and she had just returned from a business trip the morning before a scheduled date. On that date, I asked her how long was her layover in a certain city. She then asked me: How did you know I was in that city? Have you been stalking me? (She said this in a joking tone). She had told me which airline she was flying in a previous conversation and I correctly assumed she would be stopping at their major hub on her way back. This is consistent with my previous post. OP: How else could he have figured out your layover city? If you told someone you went to Harvard, why would you be surprised that he knew you went to college in Cambridge?
Author SurDeFil Posted April 18, 2019 Author Posted April 18, 2019 What exactly he said is that he saw my location was changed (he figured I am in that city) and based on distance he checked with compass on the map as we discussed "he is good with maps". It was separate case back then so I brushed it off.
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 Honestly, he is probably thinking this makes him look smart, but it also could be an intimidation tactic. Thing is, it's a suspicious passtime!
spiderowl Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I think at this point it is hard to tell whether he is a potential stalker or just a guy who is taking a great interest in you. You haven't said that any of the dates have been bad or that he has been controlling while you have been with him. In fact you seemed to like him. It would be a shame if you were to avoid a nice guy because of fears of stalking. I do think, however, that it would be wise to be careful and not give away identifiers such as: Email address Surname Landline number (well any phone number but you need to be able to speak to the guy you are dating) Workplace name or address Specific role at work if it is a small workplace Places where you shop regularly or hang out with your friends Sports places you attend regularly Church you go to regularly These things are important until you get to know a guy and have built trust. It sounds like you don't trust him. Maybe your gut instinct is telling you something; maybe not. Does something else bother you about this guy? 1
Shining One Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I think the OP needs to hear from the various women on this forum who run background checks and complete extensive social media searches on men they're dating. The information the man in question has gathered pales in comparison. 4
Highndry Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 I think the OP needs to hear from the various women on this forum who run background checks and complete extensive social media searches on men they're dating. The information the man in question has gathered pales in comparison. I agree, and I think there's an extreme amount of overreaction going on here. "Ted Bundy?" C'mon.... 1
JuneL Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 What exactly he said is that he saw my location was changed (he figured I am in that city) and based on distance he checked with compass on the map as we discussed "he is good with maps". It was separate case back then so I brushed it off. What is this “distance” you referred to? Did he know this “distance” thing from you?
Shining One Posted April 18, 2019 Posted April 18, 2019 What is this “distance” you referred to? Did he know this “distance” thing from you?The dating app she used shows the distance you are from other people on the app. Thus, the app told him she was X miles away. He then used a map to determine what city she was in. It's not stalking by any means since the information is provided at a glance on the app. 1
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