Dealing with intimate conflict

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Complicated

 

 

Nah!!! ;)lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I'm still really wondering what the heck kind of Christian-based religion besides the FLDS allows all of this.

[major_merrick]

C-O, you'd probably call our community a "cult".... Thankfully, we have better fashion than the Mormons. I've never worn a dress in my life!

 

Honestly, I think having multiple partners in a closed setting is a lot less radical than people who have open marriages or go swinging. We're just conditioned by American society to think it is strange.

[Happy Lemming]

What happens if you can't get past this conflict with Wife #1?? Will one of you have to leave the household??

 

Has this ever happened in your community, where a wife has to leave a household??

[major_merrick]

Lemming, I don't consider leaving to be a choice. This has got to get solved. I know she won't leave, and I won't leave. I can't recall anybody in the community having a split, although when guys have more than one wife it is usually just two, not like our house.

[RecentChange]

Boy that’s a loooooot of change in 5 years.

 

3 new wives, two new “girlfriends” in the house, more children.

 

Honestly that would be a huge strain on the most stable and compatible relationships.

 

I would expect pecking order squabbling like this to most likely be an undercurrent continuously. There are a lot of moving parts to keep in line here.

 

You say Americans are conditioned to find family groups like this strange - do you have examples of other societies who have similar family groups? I don’t recall examples in my sociology courses of polygamy / bisexual families like this.

[major_merrick]

I just finished a full week of living just with Wife #1. I definitely think we made some progress. One-on-one, I think we're okay. Living away from the rest of our family forced us to rely on each other, exactly as my husband intended, as we each have some needs that a partner has to meet.

 

 

The biggest thing I discovered about her is that she's far more mentally atypical than I realized. Her mind paints the world in totally different colors, and that skews her perception of me so that she sees me as a threat. She puts on a good front, but inside she's scared easily. I had always thought that her role of stay-at-home mother was something she chose. Instead, the reality is that she has to stay home because she can't function by herself. If I went off by myself for more than 30 minutes, it made her uneasy and she'd come looking for me.

 

She takes great effort to hide things, especially physical issues. The scars on her hand, body, and face bother her a great deal, and she tries to keep them covered. I had no idea until this week that she also has an ocular implant - her left eye was removed after the same accident that caused her scars. I wonder if that's a reason that she doesn't drive much, but I haven't asked. Since I've got my own issues, it makes it easier for me to relate to her. She also has trouble putting emotions into words - something I REALLY relate to. I spent a lot of time this week using touch to communicate, which seems to help her open up and talk. She even admitted something that I've suspected for a long time - that she finds me attractive, but worries that will make our husband want her less since she has physical flaws. Yep...that's the big reason she picks on me. I know there's nothing for her to worry about, but she needs constant reassurance in that area.

 

 

RecentChange - it seems that polygamy just isn't the norm in the West. In the Middle East and Africa, it is common and legal. And it was the norm in ancient times (just read the Bible). As for the bisexual aspect - since polygamy mostly takes place in male dominated societies, sex between women "doesn't count." Logically, how else do you expect that 3-4 women will co-exist in the same space? Yep...sex settles the differences.

[Happy Lemming]

I just finished a full week of living just with Wife #1.

 

Did you miss your daughter?? Or was she with you during this week??

[major_merrick]

Yeah, I missed my daughter. But some time away was OK too. #1 missed her kids a lot because she's almost never separated from them. I just kept reminding her that they still had our husband, #2, and #4 to look after them....more parents than most kids get!

[mark clemson]

Glad you made it out of this ok. Hopefully the two of you will be able to resolve with more communication rather than the acting out (sounds like mostly her) that was the recent past. I would think not solved but a WIP. Certainly hope it continues to go well.

 

You probably have already, but maybe think about how you'll react this time if she attempts to express her insecurities by physically dominating you again. Maybe a more "let's go talk this out together" type of approach? (Is that feasible with the two of you?)

[RecentChange]

RecentChange - it seems that polygamy just isn't the norm in the West. In the Middle East and Africa, it is common and legal. And it was the norm in ancient times (just read the Bible). As for the bisexual aspect - since polygamy mostly takes place in male dominated societies, sex between women "doesn't count." Logically, how else do you expect that 3-4 women will co-exist in the same space? Yep...sex settles the differences.

 

Gotcha, yes it is more common in patriarchal societies where women have little in the way of rights and independence. Perhaps I am wrong, but my hunch is that this usually works best where the man is the dictator of the family - that plays into the hierarchy battles I described in social groups. I would imagine if this didn't get worked out among the women, he would end up dictating and enforcing a hierarchy.

 

The sex part... It's amazing to me that you are all so sexually attracted to women. I have lived with numerous women before (hey it's California, untill you're making six figures you're probably going to have roommate!) - but there was never sex involved. I guess that is part of what drew you all to this lifestyle.

 

Just a totally different world than I am accustom to. Your post are like fan fiction to me - my mind is continually blown by how different people's realities / home life etc are.

[major_merrick]

You probably have already, but maybe think about how you'll react this time if she attempts to express her insecurities by physically dominating you again. Maybe a more "let's go talk this out together" type of approach? (Is that feasible with the two of you?)

 

 

I'm hoping we'll be more able to talk in the future, but the baseline of our interaction is still physical. Since I understand her a bit better, I'm going to try changing the tone of our physicality when it goes that direction. Instead of giving in grudgingly, I'll try to turn it into more of a "make love not war" scenario. I can tell she craves love and acceptance - so I'll try to show her that she can have it without having to push me down first. Outside of conflict settings, I'm going to work on opening her up more in general so she's more comfortable talking.

 

 

RecentChange - I would have thought that California would have more openness toward female relationships. I've spent a lot of time in the smaller cities and towns of the Midwest and South. Lots of female-female activity goes on. Even girls who state openly that they are against it....well, you find out that secretly they've either done it or thought about it. Many don't even consider it as "real sex" and use sexual stimulation with a close friend or two as a way to control their urges, avoid potentially risky relationships with guys, and if religion is a factor....maintain "purity."

 

You are definitely right about male "dictatorship" in societies where plural marriage is common. It would be a way to settle disputes. In my home, it doesn't happen so much. My husband prefers to negotiate, soothe hurt feelings, and encourage bonding. Sometimes if there's an issue he'll make a snap decision, but it works out in the end. I can't believe it, but I think I'm going to have to ASK him to lay down the law and decide on some kind of hierarchy. I haven't yet, since I'm kind of thinking "be careful what you wish for."

[mark clemson]

I'm hoping we'll be more able to talk in the future, but the baseline of our interaction is still physical. Since I understand her a bit better, I'm going to try changing the tone of our physicality

 

 

Sounds like a plan! Hope it works!

 

 

I think I'm going to have to ASK him to lay down the law and decide on some kind of hierarchy. I haven't yet, since I'm kind of thinking "be careful what you wish for."

 

 

Agree - definitely wise to think this through before asking.

[vla1120]

I think it's nice that the two of you spent a week together and learned more about each other (especially you about her) and now have the tools to negotiate, or even avoid, conflict in the future. Someone mentioned you missing your daughter, and I hadn't thought of the fact that you could both literally get away for a week and still have trusted family members looking after your children.

 

Your living situation is intriguing to me. I have been looking at the "intentional community" movement as well as communal farms. I'm so done with the stress and daily grind of my life (plus all the extenuating circumstances.) Part of me wants to move out into the woods to live on my own, but there is another part of me that thinks living in a communal-type environment with others would also be good. I know you are in a completely different living situation than I am talking about, but I do wonder how the dynamic works with having a number of adults sharing in the daily responsibilities, and whether it diffuses stress, etc.

[major_merrick]

VLA, living in a house with more adults than average has both positive and negative aspects. The negative has been highlighted in this thread - you can end up with some pretty severe interpersonal issues. I lived in a commune years ago with a couple of dozen other women. There was literally a boxing ring set up as a way for girls to work out their frustrations through mutual combat. Not ideal, but it actually worked.

 

 

A big issue is privacy. With us all having one large bed and bedroom, sex is rarely a one-on-one affair unless you find elsewhere to do it. Most of the time it isn't an issue, as you quickly get used to the idea. It has the interesting effect of canceling out some of the self-conscious feelings you have about your body. The only thing I really mind about it (as discussed here) is that it leaves you open to some unwanted critique if one of your partners wants to be unkind.

 

On the good side, multiple adults under one roof decreases some aspects of domestic labor. Tasks get rotated around so people don't get tired of them, and people with certain talents are able to focus on work that is matched to their strengths. My husband and Wife #4 work outside the home. I work from home part time and go to the office part time. Wife #2 works part-time at our family business. Wife #1 and my GF#2 are strictly domestic. My GF#1 works full time from home. With seven adults, that's four streams of income under one roof - fully double what most middle class families have. On top of that, expenses are significantly reduced due to full-time domestic partners, trade within our religious community, and other aspects of our life. Our children have the best of everything, many siblings for companionship, and multiple loving parents to take care of them and help them out.

 

For me and for my other partners, a huge benefit of our relationship(s) is that we simply aren't alone. Most of us have issues from our past, including some significant traumas that can make loneliness an issue. Overall, we function so much better together. If there's a problem, I have instant backup. If I'm sad, I have others who've been through similar feelings and experiences. If I'm angry, I have a partner or two willing to spar or wrestle to help relieve the tension. If I'm sexually aroused, I barely have to ask. If I'm ill, someone is always available to care for me - an aspect I did not appreciate until pregnancy came along!

 

Living with just one partner is kind of limited. Doing life alone - to me that feels impossible.