Am I overthinking too much about this girl?

[thatmanstan]

Not sure where to put this, but would be great for some insight.

 

I've been dating this girl for 4 weeks where we've had a few dates alone and also seen eachother with mutual friends a few times as well.

 

She had a girl friend over for the week last week which she said really drained her as she had no personal space for the last week.

 

She was meant to come over on Friday, which she has confirmed before but now last few days she has avoided the conversation of coming over to mine (she's been over to mine before).

 

Sunday she said about glad to have some space to herself. I messaged her yesterday (embarrassingly I blew up her phone when I could see she was online but not responding - just stuff about conversation, not about why she wasn't replying). She did respond last night after saying she just needed some alone time after her previous week of having no time to herself.

 

She still sends me goodnight texts and kiss emoji and stuff which for her I know is genuine and not game playing.

 

I said I was an idiot for blowing up her phone and she agreed, also saying that I shouldn't worry about it all, even her friend told me not to worry her wanting some time to herself.

 

Last night she sent the goodnight kisses again, and said she'd message me, and that bombarding her with messages 'would not be good for both of us '.

 

I do like this girl but think I've blown my chances with her.

 

Am I overthinking too much?

[emeraldgreen]

You didn't over think it. You over acted it. Yeah, you might have killed the mystery here big time. You need to completely pull back now. Let her reach out to you now. Don't double message, don't send back more words than she sends you. Don't ask her if she's mad at you and don't ask her if she needs space etc

 

You might be able to put yourself back in the game with some aloofness and confidence but she sounds very uninterested. Also, never explain to a girl that you're an idiot and why. Never send messages about sending messages. When you feel like you've put too much out there, just pull back in the future to counter it. Try to develop a bit of an unattached approach to the outcome.

[Kelliousme]

You should give her space. A LOT of space. Especially when it sounds to me she's the type that NEEDS her own space once in a while. So yea, bombarding her phone will actually make her run away. You want to do the opposite.

 

I don't think you ruined it entirely yet though. Just stop texting her so much and give her as much space as possible. Focus on yourself. Become better for yourself. Go hang out with your boys.

[OnlyHonesty]

You should be too busy enjoying your own hobbies, time, and other activities to be blowing up any girls phone. This is not masculine behavior either. Mastering self control, introspection and knowing self would have avoided all of those things.

 

If you want to fix this, cease all contact immediately. She's just a girl...stop putting her on a pedestal. It's funny how you talk about those good night texts and emojiions...those would bother me and I see them as unneeded. Just putting this here to show you how different people can be.

[d0nnivain]

Just sit on your hands for a while & let her come to you. If you can be patient, things will be OK once she decompresses. Too much togetherness is actually a bad thing.

[thatmanstan]

This is all great advice, I definitely should focus on myself more and let her come to me some what.

 

Since then she messaged me saying that shes been thinking about it and that, "this is getting too much for me, you're pushing me, saying you're sorry, then pushing me again... I think it's better if we don't hear from each other for a while."

 

I replied we should cancel our date Friday and take things slowly. I then made a joke about massages as it's an inside joke that we've laughed about a lot recently. I followed this up by saying that "I should of let you enjoy your nights out Saturday and Monday rather than bombard you with messages".

 

I'll see what her reply is if or when she sends one before I react if I do. She was fine and okay with me until Saturday night when I started bombarding her phone as she wasn't replying. I saw her both Friday and Sunday with some mutual friends (we hugged and kissed like normal) so I think I haven't given her the chance to miss me.

 

It just feels weird that she's been the same towards me over text and in person in terms of her talking to me (very kind, sends lots of kissing emojis and laughing at and with each other) over the last few days and then send that message today about wanting to not hear from each other for a while.

 

Can anyone offer some understanding in what you think she might be thinking or feeling?

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately at this point she is thinking you are annoying & insecure.

 

Has you asked I would have advised you to ask if she wanted to cancel Friday's get together rather then telling her you are cancelling it. It's a delicate difference but one speaks to her preferences while the latter seem petulant.

 

Seriously, just back off. Let her come to you. Stop with the texting.

[alphamale]

yea man put down your devices and chill

[thatmanstan]

Unfortunately at this point she is thinking you are annoying & insecure.

 

Has you asked I would have advised you to ask if she wanted to cancel Friday's get together rather then telling her you are cancelling it. It's a delicate difference but one speaks to her preferences while the latter seem petulant.

 

Seriously, just back off. Let her come to you. Stop with the texting.

 

Probably something else that didn't help was Monday night I pushed her about our Friday date over text, asked her twice about if she wanted to still come over but yet she never answered that question so I took that as her not wanting to. Maybe I was wrong.

[alphamale]

Probably something else that didn't help was Monday night I pushed her about our Friday date over text, asked her twice about if she wanted to still come over but yet she never answered that question so I took that as her not wanting to. Maybe I was wrong.

 

seems you have very little experience with girls

[thatmanstan]

seems you have very little experience with girls

 

I know, but I am trying to rectify things with her, maybe space does that but I'm not going to put all my effort into hoping she get's back to me.

 

I've messed up with girls before but this time I'm more calm about it (maybe because I've learned somewhat from before), maybe because we are both in a small strong mutual friendship group so I know I'll see her again.

[d0nnivain]

your 2nd mistake was trying to discuss emotional issues over text. Never do that. "What are we?" questions mandate face to face in person communication. You need all the non-verbal cues.

 

If this is what you consider calm, I'd hate to see what you think was over the top. You have to learn to chill especially in the beginning.

[thatmanstan]

your 2nd mistake was trying to discuss emotional issues over text. Never do that. "What are we?" questions mandate face to face in person communication. You need all the non-verbal cues.

 

If this is what you consider calm, I'd hate to see what you think was over the top. You have to learn to chill especially in the beginning.

 

I can see now that Is as too available and put her on a pedestal.

 

I've actually been able to get an ex back after she ended things with me, simply by giving her space for a few days. For some reason I always be one weak when it comes to 'dangers' to partnerships like space and what not.

 

When she said about not hearing from each other for a while, do you think she meant the dating was over, or that she actually wanted space. I don't know if it helps to understand but she is Spanish and her English has never been the best when trying to communicate important subjects, always says 'cant quite find the words to explain'.

Edited April 16, 2019 by thatmanstan

[kendahke]

Since then she messaged me saying that shes been thinking about it and that, "this is getting too much for me, you're pushing me, saying you're sorry, then pushing me again... I think it's better if we don't hear from each other for a while."

 

it's over.

 

You overthought it and overacted.

 

Learn to self soothe so you don't run into this issue in future relationships.

 

don't know if it helps to understand but she is Spanish and her English has never been the best when trying to communicate important subjects, always says 'cant quite find the words to explain'.

 

non sequitur---she knows english well enough for me to understand that you blew it with her and she wants you to leave her alone for the time being.

[emeraldgreen]

"this is getting too much for me, you're pushing me, saying you're sorry, then pushing me again... I think it's better if we don't hear from each other for a while."

 

I replied

.

 

Dude, come on! That was code for "one more text and I'm getting a restraining order".

 

I replied we should cancel our date Friday and take things slowly

 

I don't know what to say man. This whole conversation should have ended at "Okay" after she basically told you to bug off.

 

I then made a joke about massages as it's an inside joke that we've laughed about a lot recently. I followed this up by saying that "I should of let you enjoy your nights out Saturday and Monday rather than bombard you with messages". I'll see what her reply is if or when she sends one before I react if I do.

 

Please tell me you're reading the replies to this post. They're not typed in invisible ink. You're still hoping for a rescue.

 

Can anyone offer some understanding in what you think she might be thinking or feeling?

 

She's thinking if she never hears from you again it will still be too soon. The attachment thing has got to stop now man, please. For the sake of your man card.

Edited April 16, 2019 by emeraldgreen

[Lotsgoingon]

She's not interested ... and it has little to do with you blowing up her phone her with (desperate) texts ... Most likely, you bombarded her with texts because you sensed that she had lost interest. And you did the move that people often do ... act like the person is obligated to respond to us ... obligate to go out with us ... or ... act like sending them more texts will make clear what is in fact already clear--that you like her.

 

Next time you have the urge to blow up someone's phone take that as a sign that she has pulled back ... and the only response (since you're not married) ... is for you to pull back. I think the problem began before you bombarded her ... but you did make things worse by then apologizing and mentioning the text bombing ... So not only did you send her a bunch of messages ... expressing concern and alarm ... but the moment she blinked ... you distanced yourself from those messages ... which is doubly-confusing.

 

Either admit you're upset and stand in that ... or don't send the messages in the first place.

 

But to back up ... you don't want to be waiting around for someone ... Look, I love time to myself and need time to myself ... but anytime I've said that to a woman, that simply meant I wasn't really interested in them.

 

The right partner, especially at the start, will generate interest and generate social energy. I overcome my need for time alone ... because hanging with the person isn't "work." So update your software ... someone pulls back ... then this early on ... you want to also pull back. You've made your interest known ... now let the other person respond ...

 

In the meantime, you want to go out with someone else ... or do some fun activity.

[todreaminblue]

I need a fair amount of personal space time.....i get exhausted from social and familial responsibilities.....i need time to recharge ...or i get physically sick....to me you havent blown it at all nor do i think she sounds disinterested in you...being with someone who needs alone time can be difficult to handle in the place where its new to you...which is the place you are in now i guess....

 

 

navigating this alone time without feeling neglected or insecure...will take some understanding and patience.....and it will also take compassion and compromise on her behalf...give it time...no i dont think you have blown it....you can work it out if you give it time ....time in understanding her needs and her understanding yours........good luck...deb.....

[thatmanstan]

Thank you for all your insight.

 

I've thought about it and I've decided to close the door on this experience with her.

 

That's why I sent one final message saying that I've thought about it and respect her decision to not want to date me again. And also that I enjoyed the fun dates and getting to know her, followed by telling her to look after herself and to take care.

 

The fact she's been online and still not read the previous messages (not online for this one) means I'm not expecting a message.

 

If she replies and says she actually did just want space and didn't think about ending things then great, or if she confirms that she doesn't want to date again then that's also great as I get to hear it from her.

 

But if she doesn't reply or read it then I'm okay with that as I'm already focusing on myself without her messaging me.

 

One note, my WhatsApp messed up Saturday night (after I stopped blowing up her phone) and I couldn't receive messages and my profile picture had apparently disappeared, as she told me she was worried and thought I blocked her even though I hadn't so she must have still been into me a few days ago.

 

But yeah, time has come to wave goodbye to this time with her.

 

Think I've done the best decision for me?

[Morello]

So after all those unwarranted messages (blowing up her phone), she dumped you, you sent MORE messages, she didn't even read... and you still thought you should send another message?

 

I truly don't understand why you did this. You clearly don't recognise where the problem is. She's probably really turned off by the fact you can't just leave her alone.

[thatmanstan]

So after all those unwarranted messages (blowing up her phone), she dumped you, you sent MORE messages, she didn't even read... and you still thought you should send another message?

 

I truly don't understand why you did this. You clearly don't recognise where the problem is. She's probably really turned off by the fact you can't just leave her alone.

 

I only sent that because I want her to know there's no hard feelings, especially as we are both in the same small friendship group (we both don't have many friends outside of it - I know I need to find more) so there's no awkwardness for the others in that group.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't need to send that last message to preserve the peace in your small friendship group. You could have easily done that by simply being gracious when you see her in person. The number of texts you have bombarded her with will most likely cause her to avoid the group to make sure she can stay away from you.

 

 

In the beginning of any relationship daily communication beyond good morning is a BAD thing. Learn to dial it back.

[thatmanstan]

You didn't need to send that last message to preserve the peace in your small friendship group. You could have easily done that by simply being gracious when you see her in person. The number of texts you have bombarded her with will most likely cause her to avoid the group to make sure she can stay away from you.

 

 

In the beginning of any relationship daily communication beyond good morning is a BAD thing. Learn to dial it back.

 

She's been online but not read that message I sent.

 

Apart of me wants to send a voice message just saying "can you be clear on what you want as you never said if you wanted to dump me, if you're going to dump me then at least say so and we can get on with our lives".

 

When I think of these ideas, I get a small voice in my head telling me to wait till at least the weekend when I head to the folks to visit them for Easter to contact her again (because our last proper chat on Sunday when I was with her was she wanted to see the funny old pictures of me when I was young and really over weight - multiple occasions she's brought it up).

 

Is this my gut trying to tell me to wait and ACTUALLY give her some space before contacting again, or just wishful thinking? Whatever it is, it stops me from sending that voice message example above.

[Kelliousme]

Apart of me wants to send a voice message just saying "can you be clear on what you want as you never said if you wanted to dump me, if you're going to dump me then at least say so and we can get on with our lives".

 

Oh man.. you sound like an insecure/jealous/obsessive boyfriend. You need to find a way to change the way you are, focus on yourself and become a better person. How you're behaving will scare ANY girl away.

 

You need to get it into your head that the MORE you text/contact this girl, the more likely she'll put a restricting order on you or sue you for harassment. The absolutely best thing for you to do right now is stay away from her, forget her, and move on. I wouldn't even advise you to pursue other girls at this point.

[OnlyHonesty]

Thank you for all your insight.

 

I've thought about it and I've decided to close the door on this experience with her.

 

That's why I sent one final message saying that I've thought about it and respect her decision to not want to date me again. And also that I enjoyed the fun dates and getting to know her, followed by telling her to look after herself and to take care.

 

The fact she's been online and still not read the previous messages (not online for this one) means I'm not expecting a message.

 

If she replies and says she actually did just want space and didn't think about ending things then great, or if she confirms that she doesn't want to date again then that's also great as I get to hear it from her.

 

But if she doesn't reply or read it then I'm okay with that as I'm already focusing on myself without her messaging me.

 

One note, my WhatsApp messed up Saturday night (after I stopped blowing up her phone) and I couldn't receive messages and my profile picture had apparently disappeared, as she told me she was worried and thought I blocked her even though I hadn't so she must have still been into me a few days ago.

 

But yeah, time has come to wave goodbye to this time with her.

 

Think I've done the best decision for me?

 

 

You haven't learned anything and keep on repeating the same mistakes. It is very likely that you are on autopilot and do not see the real person. Your compulsive thoughts have no space for logic or introspection.

You did not send that message for closure, you sent it indirectly hoping for a different outcome.

 

 

This is very common with a lot of men, they do not see themselves as the prize, they only see the woman as one. My suggestion to you is to go on a meditative retreat and turn of your phone. I'm guessing you are unaware of your own thoughts, and that your mind races compulsively with no end. All you need is a gap in thought (Mushin / NoMind), and to understand your own self worth. With, or without a partner, we are a mini universe in a different form. We are whole.

 

 

You probably don't even know this girl beyond her image, how she acts around that group, and her perfume. What has she done to earn all of this attention....

[preraph]

People have got to get some pride and some brains. I mean, this is just one example, but there's always this same post on here over and over, whether it's a man or a woman posting it.

 

Desperation and insecurity are NOT sexy. NO one wants you to be that desperate to have them because it shows something inside you is missing for you to place that much importance on having a gf or bf, something lacking. So a whole lot of us are insecure, but most of us have enough pride never to show it like this. It may bubble up sometimes, but we recognize how unattractive that is and how out of proportion and how annoying, so we make up our own minds to either restrain ourselves and act like self-contained adults or we break up and realize we can't deal with it.

 

Restraint is everything throughout life. Don't make it someone else's problem that you are desperate or insecure, whether at work or in relationships. You're just setting yourself up for failure when you do. You think the boss at work is going to promote you and give you raises if he knows you're desperate and clinging to what you already have, even while complaining loudly that you're not appreciated?