seachange Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Hi all. Was just reading the online dating thread and it reminded me of a recent conversation a friend and I were having. She's doing the online dating thing. She says she won't contact the guys, though; she prefers if they do the contacting, because I guess she thinks that they'd lose interest without the chase, or not be that interested in the first place, or think she was desperate, or something. Well, that kind of sounds like a throwback and a copout to me. Also, I did online dating a while back, and got a little overwhelmed with responses from guys who clearly hadn't read my profile and were just playing the numbers. It was just tiring. So I thought that if I ever went back to it, maybe I'd actually keep my profile hidden most of the time, except to contact people when I'm interested. Makes sense to me. But since that recent online dating thread focused on whether guys got any responses, I'm curious about how those same guys feel when girls contact them first. Does it actually make any difference in whether they'd want to date her? *Does* she acquire some sort of "desperate" label?
RecordProducer Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I think the first contact doesn't matter at all. She is right about the guy being supposed to chase the woman, it just works better. But it has nothing to do with the initial getting in touch. I hotlisted my BF and since then he has done all the "chasing." He hotlisted me back, emailed me, IM-ed me, called me on the phone, suggested meeting me (he flew all over from the US just to meet me! ) and we've been together for a year now. We are planning our future together too. Statisctics are positive in both cases (where guys and girls have initiated the contact). I actually believe that guys feel more comfortable if they don't have to go through the procedure of searching for a woman who actually likes them. It's better to know right away that the attraction is mutual. Actually the main chasing starts from that point - when the woman likes the guy but is not easy to get. I mean, how hard it is to be "heavy" when you don't like the guy? Chances are you might run onto an insecure guy that only cares about seducing you and after accomplishing his mission, he's off your case. Actually, my BF asked me after purchasing a web camera (because of me) whether I liked him and wanted to meet him. Just because I hotlisted him, basing on his profile and pictures, didn't mean so much to him. As a matter of fact, he still asks me once in a while who contacted whom first and I can't believe he can't remember it was me who hotlisted him. He says he is glad I did. The main part occurs when people meet in person.
Forever Searching Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 I always kept mine hidden and contacted guys I wanted to talk to because if not I'd have a ton of creeps blowing up my inbox. The guys I dated never seeemed to care I contacted them first. In fact they all I said I was a nice surprise!!
Author seachange Posted September 22, 2005 Author Posted September 22, 2005 Thanks, you guys. And that's an interesting point, RP - that the first contact doesn't necessarily indicate who's doing the chasing...I hadn't thought about it that way. Any guys out there want to weigh in?
fusangite Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Deciding whether to contact guys or wait to be contacted, what your friend is doing is choosing what kind of men she is going to meet through online dating. Confidence is a highly prized trait by many women -- your friend has decided not to approach men who don't have the self-confidence to approach her. In my view, the whole advantage of online dating is being able to be selective about what sort of people you are going to meet. All that said, if confidence is not a deal-breaker for your friend, she is making a big mistake not to do the contacting. I, and all my other male friends who have done online dating, are thrilled when women contact us -- we feel more interested and flattered and are more likely to invest energy in the early stages of dating than if we initiate the contact. This "chase" myth is a thing that exists in women's self-help book but has no basis in reality whatsoever except maybe amongst the top 5% most romantically successful men in the world.
ScionaraTC Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Thanks, you guys. And that's an interesting point, RP - that the first contact doesn't necessarily indicate who's doing the chasing...I hadn't thought about it that way. Any guys out there want to weigh in? Life is about taking risks, if you don't, you will always be asking "what if" personally, the girl i have been seeing/dating whatever you want to call it contacted me first. i glanced over her profile, and liked what i read. if you read his profile, see his picture like what you see, why not give it a whirl and contact him? after all, both of you are on that website for a reason.
Pendawn Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Another good reason to contact guys, is there may be some guys out there who have kind of forgotten about the online dating sites, got a bit fed up etc and given up. They are not actively sending out contacts, but are delighted when a woman comes along they would have missed becuase they weren't sending out winks etc.
RecordProducer Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 This "chase" myth is a thing that exists in women's self-help book but has no basis in reality whatsoever except maybe amongst the top 5% most romantically successful men in the world. Hmmmmm... you just think so because it's a natural thing for you guys! Just like sucking for babies or barking for dogs, guys ask for phone numbers, ask out, tell compliments even when they don't intend to chase the girl. We notice that kind of behavior very well. Although many guys don't have the courage to make advances, many of them still do while women usually don't.
fusangite Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Hmmmmm... you just think so because it's a natural thing for you guys! Just like sucking for babies or barking for dogs, guys ask for phone numbers, ask out, tell compliments even when they don't intend to chase the girl. We notice that kind of behavior very well. Although many guys don't have the courage to make advances, many of them still do while women usually don't.That's like saying "I know women love to clean the bath tub because they always end up doing it." Doing all the risky, expensive stuff in the courtship process is not something we do because it's fun or natural; it's just the role we've evolved in this society. Even if I were to accept your "natural" argument, childbirth is "natural" for women -- sure doesn't mean that you enjoy going through the experience, no matter how desirable the result might be.
RecordProducer Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 That's like saying "I know women love to clean the bath tub because they always end up doing it." Doing all the risky, expensive stuff in the courtship process is not something we do because it's fun or natural; it's just the role we've evolved in this society. Even if I were to accept your "natural" argument, childbirth is "natural" for women -- sure doesn't mean that you enjoy going through the experience, no matter how desirable the result might be. I completely agree, but I also think it depends on the man. For some it's a chore and some do it by default. My BF, for example is the typical old-fashioned chaser although I hotlisted him and he liked that. But he is 48.
Author seachange Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 what your friend is doing is choosing what kind of men she is going to meet through online dating. Confidence is a highly prized trait by many women -- your friend has decided not to approach men who don't have the self-confidence to approach her. That's probably part of it...but I think really she was more concerned about the impression she would give, by doing the contacting, than about weeding out less confident men. And I guess that's why I asked, too...I mean, confident women are attractive, too, right? And since we're all on a dating site, supposedly we all know what we're there for, so it seems only logical that if you contact someone it's because you just plain think you two could click, and not because you're too desperate and impatient to wait and hope that that person will contact you. Sigh. It all just makes my head hurt. Well, I guess at least you'll end up weeding out someone who has a different dating philosophy from you. So that's something useful to know. In my view, the whole advantage of online dating is being able to be selective about what sort of people you are going to meet. I completely agree. And yeah, I prefer to be active about controlling my destiny, rather than just hoping it'll happen along. But I don't mean to dis her for taking care of business in her own way; it may very well be that she's looking for a certain kind of man, and this is one way to go about it.
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