I want to meet my boyfriend's female friend

[emeraldgreen]

I'll answer from the perspective of someone who has, regrettably, been in the same situation as your BF.

 

Yes, they still have a romantic connection and will be invested in what happens in each other's relationships with a little too much interest and a smidge of jealousy. They will try to keep their friendship away from other partners to avert suspicion of a vibe they themselves will not freely admit to.

 

Your boyfriend still gets a pay off of having plan B on the hook and it will bother him anytime this option is off the table. He will portray clear boundaries, but they are anything but clear.

[sweetpeaelle]

Rather then letting the friend dictate the terms, because you are his GF he needs to make her meeting you a condition of him spending time with her. Whose feelings are more important here, hers or yours? It's not even about trust; it's about priorities & manners.

 

You're so right! I need to assert my feelings as a priority, and yeah, her refusal would definitely be a form of disrespect. Thank you for the reminder!

[sweetpeaelle]

I'll answer from the perspective of someone who has, regrettably, been in the same situation as your BF.

 

Yes, they still have a romantic connection and will be invested in what happens in each other's relationships with a little too much interest and a smidge of jealousy. They will try to keep their friendship away from other partners to avert suspicion of a vibe they themselves will not freely admit to.

 

Your boyfriend still gets a pay off of having plan B on the hook and it will bother him anytime this option is off the table. He will portray clear boundaries, but they are anything but clear.

 

They will try to keep their friendship away from other partners to avert suspicion of a vibe they themselves will not freely admit to.

 

Oh my god, you verbalized what I couldn't explain to myself. I'm sad to say that that really seems like the case here. I sense a lot of denial, and I have to bring this up when I talk to him. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Peppa]

You said that he has been very transparent about his relationship with her to you. Have you thought about the possibility that he has not been very transparent about his relationship with you to her? One can certainly surmise that he hasn’t depicted you as the love of his life by any means, if she feels confident enough to come spend the entire weekend with him. I think they are both hoping that the sparks fly between them and that their love prevails. They’re each other’s “one that got away.” As others have said, he would be bringing you along at some point during that weekend, if he was more committed to you. You should seriously rethink this relationship. I’m sure you’re boyfriend isn’t a bad guy. It’s just very clear, based on what you wrote, that he still has very strong feelings for his ex.

[kendahke]

I really appreciate your straightforward response. Definitely given me a lot to think about. I'm also considering the possibility that my boyfriend is just displaying immaturity in the sense of being a pushover. Perhaps he truly does want to stay on high moral grounds and not do anything with her, but wants to avoid being assertive. In that case, that definitely would still make me question our relationship because I'm not being appropriately prioritized.

 

But isn't it odd how his "moral high ground" stops just short of him saying to himself "what am I doing? Sweetpeaelle is my girlfriend and she should come meet this friend of mine--no ifs, ands or butts about it. Friend is going to have to deal with it or she can go back home."

 

That's his control mechanism--that's how he keeps you manipulated by acting like the befuddled, immature boyfriend. He knows like he knows that nose on his face that were you to have an orbiter friend who used to have the hots for you come in from out of town to spend the weekend doing stuff with you with no mention of him even taking part in the weekend at all---his hair would catch on fire over it. He'd get mature real fast on that tip.

Edited April 16, 2019 by kendahke

[bachdude]

OP, you seems super reasonable about this.

 

You can't force him to not see her.

 

I don't even think it's a good idea to pressure him not to spend the weekend with her.

 

I'd simply express your feelings about not being comfortable if you are excluded and see what he does with that information. He has a choice to make at that point - who is going to be his priority, you or her?

 

You will learn a lot.

[preraph]

I predict she tells him she's not comfortable and he puffs up and sulls up and gets mad and uses that as an excuse to see her and then tries to blame it on her for fighting with him.

 

If it's not too late, before you talk to him about this be prepared and look up "gaslighting" on google and read all about ways he'll try to make this your issue and be prepared for it.

[Iris The Butterfly]

If this was your significant other, would you have raised concerns in the beginning about maintaining any contact with a friend that used to have feelings for them, much less a friendship?

 

My current bf brought this up to me when we first started dating. I had told him I maintained a friendship with my last serious boyfriend. Current bf expressed his concern about that, by saying when exes are friends... it means either one or both still has romantic feelings for the other, otherwise there would be no reason to keep in touch. He told me he didn't like the fact that I was in contact with someone that I knew still had romantic feelings for me. He didn't tell me to not talk to him anymore, he just told me he didn't like it and I don't blame him. So I told my ex to please not contact me I was in a serious relationship and I don't want to jeopardize that. Yes, we can still be 'friendly' but there is no reason for us to communicate. If he was coming to visit my city there is no way in heck I would agree to meet with him, let alone refuse to invite my bf. You have every right to be upset.

 

Your bf and this girl had some romantic history, and she still has feelings for him. Sounds like your bf has enjoyed maintaining the contact with her, nothing to do with his feelings for you, but because he's getting something out of it, maybe a satisfaction that she's pining for him.

[todreaminblue]

if everything were innocent you being invited wouldnt be a problem for you are his girlfriend....i understand why this situation makes you feel uncomfortable...

it makes you uncomfortable because it isnt a transparent situation....the motives are not clear on either side....your bf's or his friend...

 

so i would be very cautious if i was in your situation....introducing you and having you feel respected and secure...should be a priority for your bf ...his friend...should not be his first priority.....you should be.....especially over and with friends of the opposite sex.....deb

[preraph]

I came from a crowd who often were friends with ex-hookups or exes. But you don't hide those people from your current relationship. You either incorporate them into it where everyone is friends, or you put that friendship on hold. My crowd was good about all being friends together, but of course there are limitations to how far that goes. I mean, having a chat when you all run into each other at a gig is different than the status where someone drops by. And there's a lot in between. It's about priorities. I certainly enjoyed friendship with people afterwards. But if one person is carrying a torch for the other, it's usually best not to at all. But there are people mature enough to all be in the same room and who maybe already knew each other and no one is up at night wishing they were back with the person. It's pretty clear when someone has moved on and is dating other people or when they're making up excuses to see someone they still want. Trouble is deceptive people will spin and lie trying to make it look innocent.

[sweetpeaelle]

Hi all, thank you so much for your continued responses and investment in sharing your honest advice. I will respond to more of you individually (and hopefully later today I'll have the opportunity to), but for now I have a bit of an update.

 

So I haven't had the time or chance yet to talk to my boyfriend about my larger concerns, as I've wanted to do that in person. He texted me this morning to let me know that he mentioned my interest in meeting to his friend, and she suggested that we all go to karaoke together. A bit of an odd suggestion in my opinion, but one I'm willing to oblige.

 

I will definitely also post an update on how the conversation goes with him about the more macro issues that this situation has raised in regards to our relationship.

[preraph]

Good. My only problem with this is it never should have been up to HER. He gave her first consideration. He didn't need to ask her. He never should have given her the idea it would be just him to begin with, but it's a step in the right direction and you'll be there, so that's better. Keep an eye on both of them and how they act.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Good. My only problem with this is it never should have been up to HER. He gave her first consideration. He didn't need to ask her. He never should have given her the idea it would be just him to begin with, but it's a step in the right direction and you'll be there, so that's better. Keep an eye on both of them and how they act.

 

For sure, should have been the bf saying he is bringing his gf along.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good. My only problem with this is it never should have been up to HER. He gave her first consideration. He didn't need to ask her. He never should have given her the idea it would be just him to begin with, but it's a step in the right direction and you'll be there, so that's better. Keep an eye on both of them and how they act.

 

All of this.

 

Your boyfriend's behaviour regarding this entire situation is questionable, OP. He prioritizes her feelings over yours.

[elaine567]

Seems to me that he and she are the headliners and you are the supporting act. He and she will fit you in...

He clears it with HER, not you.

You are the one begging for attention, the gooseberry.

This is a bad, bad situation for you.

Trouble is when a woman is out to steal a man, she will often turn on the charm, so do not take her acceptance of the meet as being a sign she is harmless and that their relationship is no threat to you. Plenty women are sleeping with guys behind their gfs back, whilst being "Oh so friendly" to the gf.

 

This situation is actually nonsense. He needs to make a decision and choose you, or go off with Miss UnfinishedBusiness.

She is no "friend" and he is messing you around here.

[guest569]

I've been through this and I would never again. I can't really cope with the drama that goes with "watch them both and see how they act together". Ugh, it shouldn't even be happening.

[Timshel]

He texted me this morning to let me know that he mentioned my interest in meeting to his friend, and she suggested that we all go to karaoke together. A bit of an odd suggestion in my opinion, but one I'm willing to oblige.

 

 

This reminds me of the movie 'My Best Friend's Wedding,' with Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts. The karaoke scene...lol.

 

 

 

Good luck sweetpeaelle

[bachdude]

I don't know, OP. I went back and read your opening post.

 

He says she only now just moved on. She was disappointed that he moved on so quickly. He tells you not to be disappointed if she says no. He doesn't say 'My GF will be coming along". He just tells her you are interested in meeting her and left the ball in her court.

 

And how awkward will it be being out together? Will it even be comfortable for you?

 

I think there is a danger in getting too whipped up over all this and having it turn into an epic argument that will only leave both of you wounded. But I wonder, I really wonder if you said "I don't feel comfortable with this whole situation, of you two spending so much time together," what he would say and do. Would he ditch his past GF - and she was his GF, not just a friend, otherwise she wouldn't have been upset that he "moved on so quickly".

 

Up to you OP. It is perfectly reasonable for you to not like this entire scenario. It's also within your rights to be ok with it.

[sweetpeaelle]

You said that he has been very transparent about his relationship with her to you. Have you thought about the possibility that he has not been very transparent about his relationship with you to her? One can certainly surmise that he hasn’t depicted you as the love of his life by any means, if she feels confident enough to come spend the entire weekend with him. I think they are both hoping that the sparks fly between them and that their love prevails. They’re each other’s “one that got away.” As others have said, he would be bringing you along at some point during that weekend, if he was more committed to you. You should seriously rethink this relationship. I’m sure you’re boyfriend isn’t a bad guy. It’s just very clear, based on what you wrote, that he still has very strong feelings for his ex.

 

Have you thought about the possibility that he has not been very transparent about his relationship with you to her?

 

This definitely brought up a question I hadn't thought of myself - perhaps he isn't being very transparent with her about me and my concerns. I appreciate the forewarnings that you give. I also feel like complacency and an apathy towards assertive prioritization may be an issue here, which I wouldn't stand for. Even if his intentions aren't to go behind my back, but he would just rather save face, that isn't something I would be okay with. I am concerned about his level of commitment when it's framed this way.

[sweetpeaelle]

But isn't it odd how his "moral high ground" stops just short of him saying to himself "what am I doing? Sweetpeaelle is my girlfriend and she should come meet this friend of mine--no ifs, ands or butts about it. Friend is going to have to deal with it or she can go back home."

 

That's his control mechanism--that's how he keeps you manipulated by acting like the befuddled, immature boyfriend. He knows like he knows that nose on his face that were you to have an orbiter friend who used to have the hots for you come in from out of town to spend the weekend doing stuff with you with no mention of him even taking part in the weekend at all---his hair would catch on fire over it. He'd get mature real fast on that tip.

 

You're right..the fact that his first impulse wasn't to make sure that I would be meeting his friend is really disappointing. I really want to believe that the apparent immaturity isn't just a front for something more malicious/manipulative. But your first question has definitely gotten me thinking, and thinking realistically.

[sweetpeaelle]

OP, you seems super reasonable about this.

 

You can't force him to not see her.

 

I don't even think it's a good idea to pressure him not to spend the weekend with her.

 

I'd simply express your feelings about not being comfortable if you are excluded and see what he does with that information. He has a choice to make at that point - who is going to be his priority, you or her?

 

You will learn a lot.

 

Yeah, I haven't delivered it as an ultimatum to him (at least not yet haha). I wrote an update in a recent post that he brought it up to his friend and she suggested an outing for us to do. I'm definitely going to be having a conversation about my disappointment at his lack of prioritization and assertiveness, and questioning him about these things in regards to his commitment to me. Thanks for your response.

[sweetpeaelle]

I came from a crowd who often were friends with ex-hookups or exes. But you don't hide those people from your current relationship. You either incorporate them into it where everyone is friends, or you put that friendship on hold. My crowd was good about all being friends together, but of course there are limitations to how far that goes. I mean, having a chat when you all run into each other at a gig is different than the status where someone drops by. And there's a lot in between. It's about priorities. I certainly enjoyed friendship with people afterwards. But if one person is carrying a torch for the other, it's usually best not to at all. But there are people mature enough to all be in the same room and who maybe already knew each other and no one is up at night wishing they were back with the person. It's pretty clear when someone has moved on and is dating other people or when they're making up excuses to see someone they still want. Trouble is deceptive people will spin and lie trying to make it look innocent.

 

Hey, thank you for all your responses to my post! I really appreciate all of the insight you've given me.

 

And thanks for bringing up the issue of gaslighting to me! I had an ex who most definitely gaslighted me at the end of our relationship to make it easier for himself to leave. I'll definitely be watching out for that in this situation.

 

You're so right. "You either incorporate them into it where everyone is friends, or you put that friendship on hold." I'm definitely not withholding the onus on my boyfriend to have made the active decision there. It isn't my responsibility to initiate a meeting, since it's his friend!

[kendahke]

You're right..the fact that his first impulse wasn't to make sure that I would be meeting his friend is really disappointing. I really want to believe that the apparent immaturity isn't just a front for something more malicious/manipulative. But your first question has definitely gotten me thinking, and thinking realistically.

 

 

For now, adopt what I call my motto: video ex taceo--"I see but say nothing". Observe and connect the dots. It's real easy to slip into a mindset where it's easy to be gaslit, so guard against it. Just ask yourself 'what would a reasonable adult say about this?", because you are reasonable and right is on your side in this. Remember that.

 

 

I'm hoping he figures out how to open that can of 'act right' before she arrives.

[sweetpeaelle]

Good. My only problem with this is it never should have been up to HER. He gave her first consideration. He didn't need to ask her. He never should have given her the idea it would be just him to begin with, but it's a step in the right direction and you'll be there, so that's better. Keep an eye on both of them and how they act.

 

Ahhh you're so right. I wasn't prioritized here. She was. Hell, the idea of me meeting her should've been the next thing he said after he told me she was coming.."Hey Elle, my friend is coming to visit next month, and I want you guys to meet! Would you be okay with that?" Not, "Hey Elle..my friend is coming to visit next month..so yeaahhh"

[sweetpeaelle]

Seems to me that he and she are the headliners and you are the supporting act. He and she will fit you in...

He clears it with HER, not you.

You are the one begging for attention, the gooseberry.

This is a bad, bad situation for you.

Trouble is when a woman is out to steal a man, she will often turn on the charm, so do not take her acceptance of the meet as being a sign she is harmless and that their relationship is no threat to you. Plenty women are sleeping with guys behind their gfs back, whilst being "Oh so friendly" to the gf.

 

This situation is actually nonsense. He needs to make a decision and choose you, or go off with Miss UnfinishedBusiness.

She is no "friend" and he is messing you around here.

 

I love the straightforwardness of this! You're so right. I'm the one being "penciled in." And if things were really as they should be - completely platonic and transparent for everyone involved - I wouldn't have had to even ask to meet. He would've already organized something. Man, this makes me mad. But mad for the right reasons, because this is helping me ask realistic questions about the person that I am dating. And yeah, I really shouldn't take her acceptance to meet as an automatic sign that there is no ill intent involved.

 

You are all giving me such valuable insight in what to say when I talk to him! Thank you.