What do you think is going on in our relationship?

[aviva_dawn]

Most of you know about my relationship, but for any newbies who may not know, I'm posting a preamble summarizing our relationship before posting my question. For the members who already know all about the relationship of

M&M, scroll past the bio section which I have placed in italics and on to the question.

 

I am having a humongous problem:

 

My bf and I have been together off and on for two years (10 months on, six months off until I returned to my hometown and closer to him, and then the last seven months we've been together again.) and I know for a fact that is is the man that I want to be married to. In the past, he's mentioned us living together. Not anymore. In fact, I've only been to the places where he has lived only twice, and never for more that running in to get something and running back out again with him.

 

He has a very busy schedule, working as a teacher, studying for the State Real Estate Exam, running his own business and taking a long-term course on investing. He just bought a house, but has not mentioned me ever living in it with him.

 

I've never met any members of his family, even though I've shown interest in doing so. The reasons that he has given for that is "I don't want my parents in my business, or asking a lot of questions." I have met and get along with his best friend.

 

Because my bf is so busy, I've made sure that I have as much to occupy my time as possible. I'm taking 18 units in college, am involved in school clubs, I have a part time job and I read a lot in my spare time.

 

My problem is this:

 

I haven't seen my bf in a month. He hasn't called me in all that time. I've been the one to initiate the phone calls and and the text messaging and the MSN IMing. When he says that he'll call me back, he doesn't. I've asked him several times about when I would be able to see him, but he hasn't given me a straight answer. (In the spring, I believe that we went about six weeks without seeing each other, because he was so obscenely busy then as well. Then we saw each other and then not again for a month and saw each other, then not until the first week of August and then about once a week during the month of August. I haven't seen him since August 21st.) This lack of communication sounds similar to what was going on in the spring, but at that time, he'd call me all the time.

 

I have no reason to think that my bf doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says that he loves me as much as ever and he cherishes our love and relationship. My friends think that he's testing me to see how I'll react to him pulling back on communication. To me actions speak louder than words and his actions are saying to me "I want to break up with you, but I can't bring myself to do that" (that's going by other relationships where the guy's behavior is simply a preamble for a break-up. He says that he doesn't end relationships unless the woman is cheating on him, a fact which is confirmed by his friends. He's had that problem a lot...so I doubt the above conclusion.)

while his words are saying "I love you, and this is just a stressful time that the relationship is going through." My bf has a habit of making plans and then having to break them whenever his best friend needs a hand or when his parents need his assistance. He apologizes and promises to make it up, which he always does.

 

I have asked him about his intentions for our relationship, as to whether it will be a short term thing, whether I am "Miss Right" or simply "Miss Right Now". He says that he expects us to be there for as long as he can see, but he hasn't said what that means. (My mom says that "You're Miss Right Now" and tells me not too be too heartbroken when he marries someone else three months after we break up.) I don't push him with constant "State of the Relationship" discussions.

 

My heart is telling me "I love him and I will do anything for us and our relationship", my logic is saying "He is building a life for us, but hold on, this is only a difficult stage in our relationship...don't give up" but my friends and family are very negative about the entire situation, declaring that I am being used and I'm in denial about it...

 

He's 29 and I'm 21.

 

I need some feedback....what do you think is going on in all of this?

[Outcast]

I have no reason to think that my bf doesn't want to be with me anymore

 

You have a whole armful of reasons which you just spelled out above. Partners are each other's soft places to land - if he's stressed, he should come to you for relief and comfort rather than staying away.

 

I think your gut is right, no matter what he says. I suspect he's just too much of a conflict-avoider to break it off.

[Hotdiggitydammit]

Isn't dawn aviva the girl who lived two houses dawn?

[Hotdiggitydammit]

I didnt see that last post. Really

[Mz. Pixie]

You're using all of these as excuses as to why he's not being with you.

 

Let me spell it out to you using a situation from my own life. When I met my now husband, he was divorced, with 50/50 custody of his son plus he worked three jobs- he still made time to call me every day- several times a day and see me. Why, because he loved me and was into me as much as I was into him. He's a teacher and a coach plus he has another job, a house to maintain, a son and a relationship with his parent's.

 

A man is going to make time for things that are a priority for him. At the very least he wouldn't be too busy to hook up with you for sex, which he hasn't done and should be telling you something.

 

Move on. It blows my mind as to why you'd want to be with someone who puts you at the bottom of the list.

[Lishy]

That man is in his cave.

STOP any kind of contact with him and see what happens.

 

Then you have your answer!

 

Good luck

[fusangite]

Sorry but there's no way to sugar-coat this. This man is no longer interested in you. He figures that if he keeps ignoring you, you will get the message.

[aviva_dawn]

I have heard all of you. Yet, I do not want to leave him.

 

I'll take care of me for the time being. I'll cut off contact, and if he doesn't ever call back, then I'll have my answer........

 

A minor gripe:

 

I'm looking for a husband, so I'm not exactly keen on going back into the dating pool with guys my age who are simply looking for fun. It seems like the 21 year old men have no interest in marriage and then older guys say that I'm too young! (Add to the fact that I don't have friends that are my age....my classmates say that I'm too far ahead of them intellectually and don't share the same interests. I even feel alone in the school clubs that I'm in and while I go about my outside activities, even though I try to be nice, I get the cold shoulder. My friends all drive and go out, but don't take me out with them, saying that "You wouldn't fit in at the club anyway." I'm very bookish, I don't wear makeup or paint my nails, I wear jeans and the same sweater jacket over my four long sleeved blouses with the same white keds or black flats. I like myself the way that I am and I will never change to please anyone, not my family, friends or any men.

 

 

 

I know that all of you are going to say "at 21, you should be having fun and not worried about being married." I guess that I'm different......I don't want anything other than to be married and raising any children that we (FH and I) might have.

[Mary3]

He's married. He dumped you about one month ago Him being busy means + not interested.

[aviva_dawn]

He's married. He dumped you about one month ago Him being busy means + not interested.

 

He's not married.....lol. Or, perhaps you were being facetious.....

[Shana]

I will be the one to say that 21 to too young if your 29 and looking to settle down... Seriously, he is into his life, the bars, other women, his guy friends. You are into settleing into his house, maybe having children and starting a life from there with him. It just will not work. He has not contacted you nor seen you in a month. If he cared, regardless of his business, he would contact you, and he has not.

 

Move on.

 

And, your not too young to date older men. Hey, I am 28 and date a almost 36 year old .. and I am not too young for him... It depends on your maturity though.

[Lishy]

I agree that NO-ONE should change how they dress or feel comfortable YOU GO GIRL! Too may people try to conform to 'the norm' and not be themselves.

 

Just stop contacting him and see what happens!!!!!!

 

Good luck

[Mary3]

Actually I was not being facetious but alot of his actions sound like he is married . {In the past, he's mentioned us living together. Not anymore. In fact, I've only been to the places where he has lived only twice, and never for more that running in to get something and running back out again with him. }Married guys do that as well as men who don't want you hanging around their place very long. I know you said he isnt married but some of your letter suggests he might be...or has someone else...or is contemplating it.

 

(He has a very busy schedule, working as a teacher, studying for the State Real Estate Exam, running his own business and taking a long-term course on investing. He just bought a house, but has not mentioned me ever living in it with him.} Busy = not interested in you...not putting you in the front. If he is ambitious and very busy then he makes the sacrifice everyday to make time for you too. He does not mention you living with him because right now he does not want you to....or ever....maybe

 

{I've never met any members of his family, even though I've shown interest in doing so. The reasons that he has given for that is "I don't want my parents in my business, or asking a lot of questions." I have met and get along with his best friend.}Red flag here : If you were that important in his life you would have met his parents. What questions could they ask ? Could they tell you something unfavorable about him ?

I haven't seen my bf in a month. He hasn't called me in all that time. I've been the one to initiate the phone calls and and the text messaging and the MSN IMing. When he says that he'll call me back, he doesn't. I've asked him several times about when I would be able to see him, but he hasn't given me a straight answer. (In the spring, I believe that we went about six weeks without seeing each other, because he was so obscenely busy then as well. Then we saw each other and then not again for a month and saw each other, then not until the first week of August and then about once a week during the month of August. I haven't seen him since August 21st.) This lack of communication sounds similar to what was going on in the spring, but at that time, he'd call me all the time. Red flag again . You have not seen the man you love for 3o days ??? He has not called the love of his life in 30 days ? You are doing all the work to save a sinking ship. Its going down...Titanic like....

have no reason to think that my bf doesn't want to be with me anymore. He says that he loves me as much as ever and he cherishes our love and relationship. My friends think that he's testing me to see how I'll react to him pulling back on communication.What relationship ?? What is he cherishing ?? Could he be feeding you a line of u know what ? To me actions speak louder than words and his actions are saying to me "I want to break up with you, but I can't bring myself to do that" (that's going by other relationships where the guy's behavior is simply a preamble for a break-up. Thats right ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER than words...he is showing you that he broke up with you 30 days ago and is a coward...He did the dissapearing act .He says that he doesn't end relationships unless the woman is cheating on him, a fact which is confirmed by his friends. He's had that problem a lot...so I doubt the above conclusion.)Oh how nice of him not to dump you unless you are cheating...which you are not....but maybe he thinks you did or maybe he cheated ?

while his words are saying "I love you, and this is just a stressful time that the relationship is going through." My bf has a habit of making plans and then having to break them whenever his best friend needs a hand or when his parents need his assistance. He apologizes and promises to make it up, which he always does.

I have asked him about his intentions for our relationship, as to whether it will be a short term thing, whether I am "Miss Right" or simply "Miss Right Now".You are You are Miss No More.... He says that he expects us to be there for as long as he can see, but he hasn't said what that means. (My mom says that "You're Miss Right Now" and tells me not too be too heartbroken when he marries someone else three months after we break up.)

[Copingsaw]

Mary3 is dead on. You may love him but he doesn't love you. Ask yourself what it would take for you not to want to call him for 30 days and there's your answer.

[aviva_dawn]

I do not want to date anyone else. So, I'll keep calling him. If he tells me not to call, then I won't. But I love him and will not end the relationship. I'll let him do that.

 

If and when our relationship ends, I'd rather die than look for someone else....

[RecordProducer]

It's possible that he is trying to prepare you for a break up. I don't think his statement that he doesn't end relationships unless the woman is cheating on him means that if he wants to break up, he will wait for you to do it and not him. It sounds rather like an indicator of his soft nature - he forgives everything except infidelity.

 

You seem to be very stubborn about everything. You don't want to change anything about you, you will keep calling him, you want to get married NOW, you want him and nobody else... You are being intrusive. That trait is not particularly appealing to men.

 

Also if you are so decisive about marrying him now and he is not sure yet (or at all) that he wants to marry you, he might be backing off. As much as he might love you, when you tell him that you would rather die than marry someone else and you must get married ASAP, you are scaring him off. You would scare anyone. You are pushing him away from you. Men want sweet, flexible, understanding, and compassionate women. It's good to have an attitude, but you are being self-centered. So perhaps it's time for you to think about changing something about yourself if you want to keep your guy.

 

Cool down and learn to control your passion and desires. Believe it or not, this world doesn't turn around you and most things won't be the way you want them to be. When you say "Do it my way or I will die" people let you die. Trust me!

[Mary3]

You need to hear it but you won't. Because he is a coward and has chosen this way. Why do you need to hear something from someone who isnt even there anymore ?

 

Get on with your life.

 

This may have been everything to you but right now it means nothing to him.

 

This happens. Just because someone promised to love you forever does not make it true..

[aviva_dawn]

Update:

 

This guy never called me back. So I assume that means that it's over....

 

 

However, I am still very worked up about this relationship ending. I still love him, and I'm not sure what I did that forced the relationship to end. I'm not dating at all right now, and I honestly do not want to. (I know that it sounds silly, but I'm still crying every day for missing this guy. He was the man that I wanted to marry.....no matter what happened.)

 

I'll be done with college in June ( After much thought, I've come to the realization that I had plans to go on to a BA and Law School was based on my ex wanting me to do so. My AA is all that I want to get. I've really found that I want to settle down, marry and keep a home. That is what I want.) and then I'll start looking on Jdate and other sites for a man who is interested in marriage and having a family.

 

G-d willing, I'll meet my bashert soon and we'll marry.

[Mary3]

Of course you are upset. You are grieving and there is only one way to do that....You have to go through it to get through it.

 

Otherwise you wont heal normally.

 

You often wonder what you did or what lead to its ending. Many factors played a role and you will ask yourself that for many weeks.

 

But that fact is it did end and maybe you learned a little more about yourself and about men in general.

 

Dont beat yourself up about why it ended. Use it as a learning experience and how to make the next one better.

 

You are doing the greatest kindness to yourself by not rushing into something and ending up hurting yourself and someone new.

 

You are waiting to fully heal and then move forward. Right on !

 

If you want marraige and children then they are your right to have . You need to find a like-minded man to help fulfill a dream you both want.

 

Good Luck