First time getting dumped **Updated**

[samjam7]

samjam7, the ultimate goal is not to care what he does going forward. Imitating him is not "not caring." You are still letting him be the center of your life and your decisions are irrationally based on what he will think about whatever you do. This has to stop. You are not loyal or loving. You are irrational and not accepting reality and you are not exercising self-discipline and maturity. It's times like this that we have to grow up and it is always difficult. As someone once said to me, once you get tired of being miserable, you'll stop.

 

It IS up to you. It is fully within your power to stop, so quit pretending he has all the power over you. No one has power over you. If you make up your mind to do something, you can do it. It's up to you, not him, not friends, not family. This is your life to guide and live as you want. So make a decision to stop being miserable and holding onto something that is over. Then move forward with your life and social life one step at a time. Good luck.

 

Thank youu! You are right, honestly I dont have the discipline yet. This was my first relationship and all the couples around fight so much that I don't know what an healthy relationship is supposed to feel like or be like. Although my parents had a good relationship.

 

He is texting me since yesterday. Is he testing waters with me again? I know what's wrong with me. I like him obsessively but what is wrong with him? Why is he (who didn't want to be with me) behaving like this?

[samjam7]

You cannot punish him for moving on. He's not continuing to hurt you. You are hurting because he broke up with you but it's not him intentionally hurting you, even though his decision to break up is the source of your pain.

 

This anger isn't a bad thing, if used correctly. Their are 5 stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance. To me, anger is the most helpful because it tends to propel people forward. Use it to motivate yourself to severe all ties with him & move forward in your life. The longer you continue to obsess about him & what could have been, the longer you will remain tied to him. Accept that it's over & focus on a bigger, better, more fulfilling future.

 

I don't want to punish him for moving on. I want to punish him for abusing my trust.

 

Unfortunately, I express my anger very directly. I think channelizing it on other directions would have helped.

[samjam7]

I'll tell you the same thing I tell adults in their 40's, 50's and up. Eventually the pain fades. Yours will too. It just takes quite a bit longer than we'd like.

 

Sooner or later this guy and all this emotional distress WILL be a distant memory. Most people go through this at least a few times in their lives. Don't worry. Get through it (wait it out) and then move on.

Thanks. I am waiting for that day. I read some threads where people said they didnt get over their exes for years. I hope that wont be me..

[samjam7]

If you're ready for it, sure. If not, don't.

 

Based on what you have written, you are not in the right place to be meeting a new guy yet so I would hold off for now, personally. It won't help you heal. Don't do it in the hopes that your ex sees it and wants you back, either.

 

You are not that long into No Contact, so you need to be realistic with yourself too. It's going to take a while before you start to feel better.

 

You are right! That's why I keep coming here and asking people. I am very inexperienced, so talking and hearing other people's experiences really help.

[samjam7]

UPDATE: OK guys! After I sent that insecure jealous text, my ex has been texting me as if nothing happened and me being weak keeps replying. Should I take him back? Will it be any different this time? 'Maybe this time it will be different": This thought has prevented me from moving on and taking him back every time.

 

Is he sincere this time or is he trying to start another circle?

[ExpatInItaly]

Forget this guy, OP.

 

He's not going to be The One for you. You will get your heart broken all over again if you go back for yet another round of this.

[d0nnivain]

UPDATE: OK guys! After I sent that insecure jealous text, my ex has been texting me as if nothing happened and me being weak keeps replying. Should I take him back? Will it be any different this time? 'Maybe this time it will be different": This thought has prevented me from moving on and taking him back every time.

 

Is he sincere this time or is he trying to start another circle?

 

I suppose he is currently sincere that he thinks he wants you back. However that is no reason to go back. It's also no guarantee that this time will be any different.

 

This relationship was a 1st for you both. Neither of you knew what you were doing & you both talked very unrealistically about some dream future that was improbable given your situations. He said no wife of his would work because his mother didn't work. BS with student loans & the high cost of everything these days, it's insane to think that is even possible. You will need 2 paychecks to do almost anything other than live in poverty. For you two to even be talking about marriage was ridiculous. At the very least you need to graduate & have a job for at least a year to figure out who you are as adults. All of this talk was just smoke. You were sucked into some romantic fantasy to buy any of this as real. Most people do not stay with their 1st love forever & you are no exception. Moreover, most relationships do not survive the transition from college to real life. Again, the odds are stacked against you. Stop fighting them.

 

That merry go round you describe as the break up make up cycle of your relationship is a nightmare. Sadly it's all you know so you naively think this time will be different. No. If you take him back, all you are going to get is more of the same. Plus now you have to try to do this long distance. It won't work.

 

Let's get something straight though. This guy did not abuse your trust. He did make mistakes & you two were not compatible but nowhere in here did he go out of his ways to intentionally make you miserable for the pure sport of hurting you. After the 1st time of him being on again & off again with you, this was your own doing. You willingly followed him down the primrose path. He is as inexperienced with relationships as you are. He doesn't know what he's doing any more then you do but at this point he's only coming back because he's scared. He doesn't want you per se but he doesn't want to be alone & you are all he knows too. You go back again & anything that happens to you with him hurting your feelings all over again is your fault for letting him.

 

You need a fully clean break. It's over. It wasn't working before & none of the issues that lead to all of you other break ups have been addressed let alone fixed. You are just going to get more of the same.

 

It's not a fault thing. It just is. This relationship was your 100 level life learning course. It's finished now. You learned stuff that you need to know to go on to your 200 level course / next BF / next relationship. There is no need to repeat this course. Put him in your rear view mirror. Get out of bed, especially when you don't want to. Get active. You need to shed those pounds that you gained while wallowing. Move forward in your life. Work on your self esteem.

 

Every day you spend continuing to wallow about this mess is another wasted day. Stop!

[snowcones]

I'll tell you from the perspective of being dumped a number of times more than you - none of it matters. None. Doing an autopsy on the relationship is a search that brings no peace.

 

Take your time to build YOU up again. Invest in yourself with the most important thing you have plenty of - time. Walk a lot, take a yoga class, sit at a cafe and watch people go by, whatever it is that makes you feel yourself.

 

Sure, there are lessons to learn, but all the replays of this past relationship won't help right now. The lessons will come in slow doses over time when you give yourself the love you deserve and have enough distance from the breakup pain.

 

For what it's worth, this kid sounds like an indecisive fool. Your relationship was too toxic and push/pull to apply logic to in the kind of debrief you're looking for.

 

All I can say regarding all the rumination is STOP. The answer isn't there. The answer is to stop asking questions and just BE.

 

BE for a while. You'll get through this.

 

 

This a thousand time. This is so good and so true. Please read it over and over.

[stillafool]

UPDATE: OK guys! After I sent that insecure jealous text, my ex has been texting me as if nothing happened and me being weak keeps replying. Should I take him back? Will it be any different this time? 'Maybe this time it will be different": This thought has prevented me from moving on and taking him back every time.

 

Do what you want to do since you never listen to us anyway. One question though, how can you take him back when he's in a relationship with someone else? Did they break up?

[destroyedlife]

The first time I got dumped my life went spinning out of control. I started drinking every day and doing tons of cocaine. And other drugs. I think deep.down I was trying to kill myself. It didn't help at the time that my ex continuously harassed me. Kicked me when I was down. Emotionally abused me. And rubbed everything in my face. Over a breakup because she got bored. All I can say is don't do what I did. I'm suprised I'm still alive even. Cry it off. Take time off. And better yourself. Have your alone time n heal. When your life starts to go up hill theirs will go down.

[samjam7]

Do what you want to do since you never listen to us anyway. One question though, how can you take him back when he's in a relationship with someone else? Did they break up?

He is not in a relationship with anyone else. He is still texting. I am so confused! My head hurts.

 

I know I should be listening to y' all.

[samjam7]

The first time I got dumped my life went spinning out of control. I started drinking every day and doing tons of cocaine. And other drugs. I think deep.down I was trying to kill myself. It didn't help at the time that my ex continuously harassed me. Kicked me when I was down. Emotionally abused me. And rubbed everything in my face. Over a breakup because she got bored. All I can say is don't do what I did. I'm suprised I'm still alive even. Cry it off. Take time off. And better yourself. Have your alone time n heal. When your life starts to go up hill theirs will go down.

Great! Have you recovered completely now? I am also being self-destructive. I am overeating and can't study. Grades worse than last semester.

[Inspire]

The first fall can be a really painful one. Mine changed me. It made me change how I perceived relationships and peoples feelings. I think ultimately it made me a better person. Overtime as the emotional impact fades, you too will be able to see things more clearly and you will no doubt realize that this breakup was what needed to happen.

 

Right now you're thinking with your heart and not your head. Our heart sees what our eyes miss, and our mind sees what our heart overlooks. Once the rose tinted glasses have been removed, you will then see him as you did when you first met—in a very different light. You just need time to heal and believe me when I say "time heals all wounds" ...

[samjam7]

I suppose he is currently sincere that he thinks he wants you back. However that is no reason to go back. It's also no guarantee that this time will be any different.

 

This relationship was a 1st for you both. Neither of you knew what you were doing & you both talked very unrealistically about some dream future that was improbable given your situations. He said no wife of his would work because his mother didn't work. BS with student loans & the high cost of everything these days, it's insane to think that is even possible. You will need 2 paychecks to do almost anything other than live in poverty. For you two to even be talking about marriage was ridiculous. At the very least you need to graduate & have a job for at least a year to figure out who you are as adults. All of this talk was just smoke. You were sucked into some romantic fantasy to buy any of this as real. Most people do not stay with their 1st love forever & you are no exception. Moreover, most relationships do not survive the transition from college to real life. Again, the odds are stacked against you. Stop fighting them.

 

That merry go round you describe as the break up make up cycle of your relationship is a nightmare. Sadly it's all you know so you naively think this time will be different. No. If you take him back, all you are going to get is more of the same. Plus now you have to try to do this long distance. It won't work.

 

Let's get something straight though. This guy did not abuse your trust. He did make mistakes & you two were not compatible but nowhere in here did he go out of his ways to intentionally make you miserable for the pure sport of hurting you. After the 1st time of him being on again & off again with you, this was your own doing. You willingly followed him down the primrose path. He is as inexperienced with relationships as you are. He doesn't know what he's doing any more then you do but at this point he's only coming back because he's scared. He doesn't want you per se but he doesn't want to be alone & you are all he knows too. You go back again & anything that happens to you with him hurting your feelings all over again is your fault for letting him.

 

You need a fully clean break. It's over. It wasn't working before & none of the issues that lead to all of you other break ups have been addressed let alone fixed. You are just going to get more of the same.

 

It's not a fault thing. It just is. This relationship was your 100 level life learning course. It's finished now. You learned stuff that you need to know to go on to your 200 level course / next BF / next relationship. There is no need to repeat this course. Put him in your rear view mirror. Get out of bed, especially when you don't want to. Get active. You need to shed those pounds that you gained while wallowing. Move forward in your life. Work on your self esteem.

 

Every day you spend continuing to wallow about this mess is another wasted day. Stop!

 

The other day he asked for ice cream and spoke to me a bit and said he felt complete. Next day he said what am I doing. It's better not to keep contact. Then I told him to block me everywhere and just for the sake of checking as I feel too restless I ended dialing his number. He picked it up and said, "I am at work and I do not have time for this ****".

 

How? How can he say this? How is this not playing with my emotions? He knows he doesn't want me anymore and he does not care about my **** then how can he be selfish enough to do all this.

 

Nothing feels good. I am at loss and cried like crazy today. My eyes literally hurt from it.

 

Is recovery even possible for someone like me or will I go full self-destructive? I am totally out of my own control. I feel like there is no hope for me.

[samjam7]

The first time I got dumped my life went spinning out of control. I started drinking every day and doing tons of cocaine. And other drugs. I think deep.down I was trying to kill myself. It didn't help at the time that my ex continuously harassed me. Kicked me when I was down. Emotionally abused me. And rubbed everything in my face. Over a breakup because she got bored. All I can say is don't do what I did. I'm suprised I'm still alive even. Cry it off. Take time off. And better yourself. Have your alone time n heal. When your life starts to go up hill theirs will go down.

The pain is so excruciating that sometimes I do think death will be better than living this punishment. There is no cure for my soul now.

 

I do not want to do anything. I just want to lie down in bed and do nothing and wallow in my sadness.

[samjam7]

The first fall can be a really painful one. Mine changed me. It made me change how I perceived relationships and peoples feelings. I think ultimately it made me a better person. Overtime as the emotional impact fades, you too will be able to see things more clearly and you will no doubt realize that this breakup was what needed to happen.

 

Right now you're thinking with your heart and not your head. Our heart sees what our eyes miss, and our mind sees what our heart overlooks. Once the rose tinted glasses have been removed, you will then see him as you did when you first met—in a very different light. You just need time to heal and believe me when I say "time heals all wounds" ...

My biggest fear is that I will never get over him. I will never stop caring about him. I just want to be indifferent to him. But I can't stop giving a ****.

 

I really hope someday I will reach that stage where I would not see myself as his eternal slave.

[TheFinalWord]

I remember my first break up.

 

I had low grade depression for like a year.

 

It was hard because she was seeing someone towards the end of our relationship and so it was easier for her (probably was cheating, who knows). I had no one but my own self reflection to face, whereas she had a new boyfriend to occupy her mind.

 

But I used that experience and became a better person...

 

Years later, she contacted me and said doing that to me was the biggest mistake of her life and that she would leave her current husband for me.

 

I said no, but the point is, no one should be able to have so much control over you.

 

The fact that you allowed a guy you didn't really like to perform sexual acts tells me you have some issue with boundaries. You need to establish some because this relationship is toxic.

 

The two of you are not a very good match and are not compatible. You're both immature, but if you gave him your virginity you are fighting against bonding chemicals (same chemicals in breast mil that bonds a mother and child: oxytocin, vasopressin, etc.) which is going to take time for those neural networks to re-write themselves. The breaking of the bond you are feeling is the breaking of a chemical bond. It's powerful, which is why you have to treat your sexuality very seriously and don't compromise your values. The bond will subside in time, but it's going to trick you into thinking you need to stay with him, even though this relationship is a trainwreck.

Edited May 1, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[samjam7]

I hate having depression now because of him. But he seems to do fine with a new job and car and what not. I was there for him when he had nothing, no job. Now he leaves me when he has everything. I am glad it worked out well for you in the end. I hope it does for me as well.

 

I think you nailed it when you said that I can not establish boundaries. I have a hard time saying no to people. I am not saying I am a great person but I do put others before me. Maybe it's more because I do not really love myself.

 

Just curious what makes you think this relationship is trainwreck? I would want to know if anyone but me thinks there is a possibility of this relationship being good for me in the future.

 

My self-esteem is really low. He treated me like a doormat. I know he did it because I let him but still when you love someone you trust that person to not take advantage of your simplicity in thinking or docile nature.

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[samjam7]

I will tell you all my biggest fear which is being forgotten by him. I am scared that if he texts me and I do not reply back then he will move on completely from me and replace me. I will be forgotten and replaced and down the line, he will think of me as someone who did not even bother responding to him.

[d0nnivain]

How? How can he say this? How is this not playing with my emotions? He knows he doesn't want me anymore and he does not care about my **** then how can he be selfish enough to do all this.

 

Nothing feels good. I am at loss and cried like crazy today. My eyes literally hurt from it.

 

Is recovery even possible for someone like me or will I go full self-destructive? I am totally out of my own control. I feel like there is no hope for me.

 

Breaking up is painful but you will survive

 

When you hurt your body you give yourself tome to heal. Having a broken heart is no different. If your arm was in a cast you wouldn't bang it on the table then wonder why you weren't healing. It's the same with your heart. When you reach out to him you intentionally harm yourself by picking at your wound & preventing it from healing.

 

You need to take control of your life. It's a matter of self discipline & self preservation. Stop calling him. You block him everywhere on social media. Delete his number out of your phone. When you feel like reaching out to him, tell yourself you will wait an hour before acting on the impulse. Meanwhile post here; take a walk, clean your house even if it is already immaculate. Do anything to keep yourself busy & your mind off him.

 

The best thing that will ever happen to you is that he will forget about it. You don't see that yet but it's true.

[TheFinalWord]

It's a trainwreck because the two of you do not know how to work through differences in a healthy way. You both have very different belief systems and family values. He pressured you for sex, and you don't have boundaries.

 

Exactly what about this relationship is good for you? Because you can say you have a boyfriend? You don't have a common vision for your life. He wants you to not work and stay home and raise kids. Meanwhile I assume you went to college because you want a career. It would be different if you both decided together that you would stay home once you were married and started a family. But he's already decided that for you. You don't share any of the important foundational things necessary for a LTR.

 

I'm sorry but, no, this will not do any good for you in the future.

 

He isn't going to forget about you, but at the same time, he isn't going to put his life on hold forever. And neither should you.

 

You don't know how happy he is. You're guessing based off social media, which is not reality. People only post the highlights of their lives on there, and they always make their lives seem way better than they are. He probably hurts too, but he is forcing himself to go about his life and stay busy. Which is what you should be doing too. Get out and exercise, go out with friends, start a new hobby. You need to get your mind off of him and just sitting around staring at his social media is going to stop the healing process.

 

It takes time to heal, but you don't want to be hung up on this guy forever and miss out on life. He will eventually move on. That's why we are telling you to cut all contact, don't try to do detective work on him, and focus on yourself. Stop focusing on him and what he will think.

 

You said that if you love someone you trust them not to take advantage of you. Guess what? Him texting you is him taking advantage of you because he knows you are weak and will do whatever he says. He can keep using you when it's convenient. What you think is an act of love (him texting), is really an act of selfishness.

 

Neither of you have done any work to improve the situation, so why do you think it will be different if you try again? Let's say he texts you, you get back together and all your hopes come true. Will anything change? No. He hasn't done any work to improve, and neither have you. You still have no boundaries. You will end up in the same spot all over again. The best thing to happen to you is that he doesn't text you. Better yet, him texting you and you NOT replying would be an even better outcome. You have to practice putting up the healthy boundaries so you don't allow yourself to be a door mat.

Edited May 1, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[samjam7]

Yes, I was very ambitious and I am pursuing compsci master's. However, my performance this semester has been affected due to this emotional turmoil. Just flunked an exam today. I don't know if I have clinical depression now. I was willing to even be a stay at home if it meant saving our relationship. I really was crazy about him and there was a point in time when he gave the impression of being crazy about me too. He said his feelings won't ever change but guess it did. It's a shock to accept someone's new face.

 

I hope I get better soon. I will try my level best to not reply. I have a feeling that he will reach out to me on my birthday.

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[TheFinalWord]

Block his number. You need a lot of space from this guy, in my opinion forever, but definitely not any time soon.

[samjam7]

Ok I will block.

 

Why do you think I will need space from this guy forever? Is it because I will always have some feelings for him

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[TheFinalWord]

Because you are afraid he will text. And if he does, you'll go back to him and let him humiliate you again.

 

You won't always have feelings for him. Time heals all wounds. But you keep opening the wound, so the would never has time to heal.