High Voltage Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Hello, I give too much importance to details. Excuse me if : my post is long and if it's detailed. But i believe that every detail matters for everyone here who wants to give me an answer. excuse also my english. This is my story how i found out that i'm a hsp too: I went on a date yesterday with a girl i'm with for 3 months now. We went to a restaurant, had fun spending some time together. at the end of our date, we had a serious conversation about what's going on between us, this conversation was spontanous, i was not ready to organise my ideas and tell them. Actually, this conversation started when we started talking about our first date and how we ended up in bed and how we totally regret it cause it was not the perfect timing, because she was not ready and i was not neither, but mainly because while doing intercourse, she didnt manage to cum cause i was fast. When we were talking about it, my brain stangely locked into only the negative facts: - She pointed out that the probleme of me cuming fast is still here; - She pointed out that we still didnt manage to find a convenient rythm for her, so she can cum first; - She never had such experiences with some one before. My brain went on some comparing process leading to some low self esteem. I tried to explain to her that we must work on that and maybe we will manage to find some convenient rythm together, i suggessted that we need to try to make love more than once and it might help find some conenient rythm the second time we make love, she agreed and found the idea good. The thing is, when i tried to cricitize her way of dealing with this situation and when i mentioned that i always hope that she would react differently towards it, she said ( and i belive she didnt mean it ) that it's my penis and it's up to me to fix this. This made me feel bad but i was like, yea maybe it's my fault and i need to fix it so i can have a normal sexual life with her or other girl. The second part of this conversation was about everyones visibility about what's going on. She said that - for now - she wants to stay with me but in long term, she is not sure what will happen: she does not project herself on what's going on, she doesnt understand why i was never opened about my feelings towards her. i told her that there was some spark at some time but i didnt manage to find the convenient timing to tell her, she said that after all this time together and since i never told her such thing, she ended up losing hope and started to believe that it's only a classic relationship where someone meet someone, spend some time together and then by the time some one will just leave. We then left the restaurant and i was feeling overwhelmed, sensitive and if it's like i was going to weep We went in the car and on my head, i was strangely thinking that it seems like it was the end, it's like i lost all faith and hope on whats between us, i didnt grab her hands and didnt hug her even tough it wanted to. In the car, i had hard time expressing my toughts: my thought was how come 2 persons keep investing their time and energy if some one is strongely believing that it wont never last. She was upset hearing about that, and she thought that it was some regular talk from some guy trying to break up. it was not the case, my aim was noble, i asked myself a question and wanted to share about it. I tried to recall her - again - that i'm some one who overthink, overanalyze situations and she might deal with this She was furious after hearing all my disorganized talk and ended up pointing that she can't support me with this character trait. she then asked me to go home and think about it and give her answer clear about what i want. she had previously said that she was ready to deal with the fact that i overthink and she will never leave for such reason cause she cares about me. But i believe yesterday, when she was furious, she said that she can't do anymore... I dropped her off and went home. When arrived, started googling about the whole situation and found out this amazing article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201802/the-hsp-relationship-dilemma who explained to me all what happened and how the partner should deal with the hsp but also that i'm officaly an HSP ( highly sensitive person ) cause identified myself in what the author described. I had 0 sleep, went to bed at midnight, stayed awake and took my phone at 3am and started prepaing my message, my long message: in one word, my draft is about how i still want her in my life and what happened was a proof that i still care about her cause i was opened about my thoughts and feelings eventough it freaked her out. My draft is ready but still can't send it. I'm not sure if i should continue with this partner and keep her with me since her leaving will be hard to handle or just move away and admit that she is not the perfect partner for me and then she will think about the famous cliche about guys that they are all the same and this will hurt her. ( btw i'm not one of those ) I'm lost.. Please help.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 she said ( and i belive she didnt mean it ) that it's my penis and it's up to me to fix this. Why would she say that? It's 100% false, and kinda rude. How old are you two? she said that after all this time together and since i never told her such thing, she ended up losing hope and started to believe that it's only a classic relationship where someone meet someone, spend some time together and then by the time some one will just leave. So, after 3 months you've never told her how you feel about her? Has she told you how she feels about you? 1
Garcon1986 Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 So it's very helpful to know this about yourself - but then I think it's important to try and mellow out this side of yourself. Being in a relationship will entail lots of emotional tests, and if you are sensitive to most things - it will make the dating life rather exhausting. So consider trying to train yourself to be a little more calm in the face of tests. As for the ejaculation thing, you are not alone - many people have that issue. The fabled "coming at the same time" or letting her come before you do actually takes some work to achieve. You might need to push softer, try different positions, incorporate more playing - any number of a couple of things. It's not totally your fault. Some doctor's methods are described at this link: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ask-the-doctor-what-works-best-for-premature-ejaculation If you two can be patient in working on this, that would be fantastic. Take a breather and try (I know it's hard) - to take it less as a direct personal attack although it sounds like one. Take a breather and try to work through this.
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. You penetrating her and coming fast is very unlikely to give her or any woman an orgasm. Recent reviews of the literature state the vaginal orgasm does not exist, the vagina does not contain any anatomical structures that can induce an orgasm so penetration whether short or long in duration will not produce a female orgasm unless some stimulation of the clitoris (female penis ) is involved. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I understand you classify yourself as a highly sensitive person but what I read is a guy who is seeking perfection & making excuses. Nothing will ever be perfect. There will never be the best time to talk. If you have been dating for 3 months you should have both had more of a framework to discuss your relationship. Whatever you do, do NOT send her whatever long message you crafted on your phone. Talking through text is the worse way you can possibly address such a delicate subject. Sending a text about all of this is the least sensitive way you could handle this. You need the non-verbal cues. I think your idea for you two to have more sex may help. Do you engage in a lot of foreplay before intercourse? Try that to get her all riled up & primed to orgasm before you penetrate her. While you are making love to her, use your hands to bring her to orgasm. Meanwhile use whatever mental tricks you need -- reciting sports scores in your head for instance -- to delay your orgasm until after she come.
BaileyB Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Reading your post, I couldn’t help but think you have two problems here. One, you both need to educate yourself about sex. She particularly needs to educate herself about sex before she blames her partner for things that are not his fault. And two, you should get yourself some counselling to work on your self esteem and your ability to regulate and manage your own emotions. This will help you immensely in future relationships. You are both essentially placing responsibility on the other partner, for things that you both need to take more responsibility for... that’s not going to work long term. 1
Author High Voltage Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 Why would she say that? It's 100% false, and kinda rude. How old are you two? Hello thank you for replying. I'm 30, she is 24. So, after 3 months you've never told her how you feel about her? Has she told you how she feels about you? No i never did so, neither she. She said that she had some feelings but was quite about them since i didnt tell her what i feel...
clia Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I'm not going to comment much on your self diagnosis -- it mostly seems like you are trying to find excuses. I would encourage you to see a doctor before you come to any conclusions about what you have or what you are. Regarding the rest of your post, after three months this woman wanted to understand from you where you saw things going. This is the so-called "relationship talk." After three months, it was due. You were apparently unable to give her any sort of response about how you felt about her. It's unclear to me from your post whether you have slept together since the first date. If so, and you are continuing to have problems, that, combined with your lack of communication to her, likely have her feeling insecure about your status. So, the question is, do you want to continue dating her? Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want a relationship? Do you see a future with her? These really shouldn't be hard questions at this point that requires a lot of thought organization. If so, tell her. And I agree with donnivan, ditch the long text or email you have drafted and call her. And don't bring up this HSP stuff with her until you have an actual diagnosis from a doctor.
Mrs._December Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. You penetrating her and coming fast is very unlikely to give her or any woman an orgasm. Recent reviews of the literature state the vaginal orgasm does not exist, the vagina does not contain any anatomical structures that can induce an orgasm so penetration whether short or long in duration will not produce a female orgasm unless some stimulation of the clitoris (female penis ) is involved. LOL, but most all women on message boards always claim they have vaginal orgasms all the time. And they squirt, too!
kendahke Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 LOL, but most all women on message boards always claim they have vaginal orgasms all the time. And they squirt, too! : raises hand : it is a thing... 1
preraph Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I can only say that pressuring someone to "fix it" is the very last way to fix a penis. Adding more pressure and stress to the situation will only exacerbate it. I'm sure everyone has already recommended you get her off non-penisly beforehand. If she's a "penis-only" orgasmer, then I would be tempted to tell her it's her clitoris not functioning and she needs to fix it. I mean, most women need clitoral stimulation more than vaginal, but there are exceptions.
TheFinalWord Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) This may need to go in the sexuality forum. But a woman's orgasm is not all on you. A lot of it is psychological though. You're being given the ultimate crap test. She's testing your confidence, by going to the most sensitive topic: your sexual performance. What turned her off was that you caved into her, let her get to you, and now she's saying she can't deal with this part of your personality...your lack of confidence. What she wants his for you to take charge. But instead you're buckling, and no amount of sexual tricks is going to compensate for your lack of confidence. Where you could have set the frame was when she brought up the initial sex. You shouldn't have said it was too early. She was looking to you to assure her it was perfect, natural, and beautiful. She wants you to be the rock, not her. When you buckled there, she then moved into your performance. A few words and you completely caved and showed her that you don't have much emotional strength. EVEN THEN, she said there is a chance. Trust me, if she didn't like you, she wouldn't be giving you all these chances. But you have to start being firm in yourself and your decisions. If you led the early sex, you can't act like it was a bad decision. She wanted it to have been your decision, and you're basically admitting that your decision to have sex with her was wrong and you're leadership started off wrong. Everything you've done so far has shown her you don't have confidence in your decisions or you functions as a man. You don't trust your own decisions, so how can she? Don't send a letter. Please don't. You need to show her that you have confidence. Confidence in your decisions, confidence in yourself, and confidence to give her what she needs. Edited April 11, 2019 by TheFinalWord
emeraldgreen Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 It's kinda done for. Every time you enter her now, you'll be waiting for the performance review. She knows your trigger point now and every time she wants to get at you in an argument, this will be what she throws at you. Yes, you need to learn your own dick better and some female anatomy, but this is gonna mess with your head each and every time in this particular relationship, so perhaps see other girls if you're not already exclusive. You might find more compatibility with another. This one is putting the onus of great sex on you, which also means she has some weird attitudes about sex. Lots of girls don't know that they have to put in some work as well. For yourself, you can practice a bit of self-help by working yourself up to the point where you feel you might ejaculate soon (we all know that point of no return moment), then stop before it. Pinch your johnson behind the head, then work back up to that point again, easing back before you reach blow time. This is what you'll want your sexual performance to feel like as well: bringing the boil back down to a simmer several times. Not only will it keep you going longer, but when you finally spray the baby gravy, you'll feel it from the depths of your balls haha.
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