faithandfood Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 So I've been friends with this guy for a year, but he recently told me had feelings (and I do too). We recently started seeing each other, like we hung out four times last week. I enjoy my time and we recently started fooling around (not sex cause I'm a virgin, which he knows). He helped me heal from my first breakup with my abusive ex & has been there though some hard times. So anyways. I got new hair extensions yesterday. He was like "It actually fits you but it's not your real hair." I was like, what is that supposed to mean? Never said it was. He was like, it's the truth. The truth hurts " Then I told him what he said it was rude and the equivalent of telling someone that their rented car is nice, but remind them it's not their car. He was like, "did you rent the wig okay I'm done having fun." All he said was my bad. Didn't end up replying and he later asked me if I was upset. I told him I was and he was like "okay was joking..guessing it was too much.. didn't mean it. Sorry if you angry" I just told him that I will not take disrespect disguised as jokes nor have my self esteem brought down. Also told him that I will not be taking any types of emotional abuse. He just said "okay my bad, didn't mean it" I just left him on read bc of my nursing exam. Asked my friends & they said it was rude comment. This was on Monday. Besides this, I've noticed that he barely calls me as we mostly text, he's always on his phone when we meet, started to reply slower and leave me on read. He didn't talk to me at all on Tuesday until he sent me last night that said "wanted to apologize again" I told him it was okay & how I appreciated the apology and he didn't respond. Had an exam today..didn't wish me luck nor ask me how it went. He's only been watching my story. Hasn't talked to me since Monday. Just hurts because we've been talking everyday for the past two months and for him to just abruptly stops hurt. He also knows about my past hurts...and for him to do the same. I'm just confused on whether I should block or wait.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 He made a comment about your hair and you told him you don't tolerate emotional abuse? That's a pretty big stretch, on your part. He isn't responding now because he is worried you see him as an abuser and are easily upset, OP. What's the backstory between you two? I am going to go out on a limb and guess this comment isn't the real problem, but a symptom of more tension. 5
Blind-Sided Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) I wasn't there, and I'm sure we aren't getting all of it... but yep... I think you overreacted. Sure... you may have loved the extensions, and they made you feel good. But maybe he liked you the way you were, and to a guy, it was just an innocent comment. Also, how is a comment about your hair "Abuse"? To me... it's not... so the conversation shouldn't have gone that direction at all. Opinions aren't abuse, regardless if you like that opinion or not. On a different point... if you are that quick to react to a comment, based off of your last relationship... then maybe you aren't really ready to be with someone yet. Not trying to be negative... but your new anger is based off of old anger. Edited April 11, 2019 by Blind-Sided 1
LauraXX Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I agree with the others. You definitely overreacted! On the other hand... him always being on his phone when you're spending time together would be a major issue for me. I think that's what you should be worrying about, not a comment about extensions. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I agree with the others. You definitely overreacted! On the other hand... him always being on his phone when you're spending time together would be a major issue for me. I think that's what you should be worrying about, not a comment about extensions. Yeah, that's kinda like worrying about the lawn not being mowed, when the house is on fire 1
stillafool Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I have to agree with others as that comment was not emotional abuse but actually the truth. Perhaps, like a lot of men, he doesn't like fake hair but would rather you wear your natural hair no matter how it looks. I'm sorry you were hurt by his comment.
Author faithandfood Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 I have to agree with others as that comment was not emotional abuse but actually the truth. Perhaps, like a lot of men, he doesn't like fake hair but would rather you wear your natural hair no matter how it looks. I'm sorry you were hurt by his comment. Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't necessarily calling the joke abuse. I just didn't like how he continued to tease despite me saying I didn't get the joke and felt a bit hurt by it. For him to say, "okay I'm done having fun " He hasn't seen my natural hair. I barely show it nowadays because it's damaged, so I use wigs as a protective style. I explained this to him about two weeks ago when he said he hasn't seen my real hair.
Author faithandfood Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 He made a comment about your hair and you told him you don't tolerate emotional abuse? That's a pretty big stretch, on your part. He isn't responding now because he is worried you see him as an abuser and are easily upset, OP. What's the backstory between you two? I am going to go out on a limb and guess this comment isn't the real problem, but a symptom of more tension. So we've been talking since last January. We met online. As I was in a different city, I asked him various times to hang out, but he would flake or shoot the plan down. And at this time, I liked him and it hurt because I would invite him and it's just like okay... After almost a whole year of not meeting, I was fed up and removed him from my social media. I was like, we're not gonna meet anyways so what's the point. It wasn't until he found me on Instagram this Jan & asked me for my number & we caught up. He said he would make up the missed time & how he should have asked for my number sooner. So we hung out for the first time in Feb? It was cool, but I noticed he was kind of cocky (which he stated himself). I didn't mind it cause it wasn't as bad like previous guys I met. We then started talking everyday, and I invited him to my 21st party. We also went to a concert together during Spring Break. He's 23 btw. He told his friends and brother about me, which I've met and they said I was cool. His brother also told him to not mess things up because he thought I was a good fit. In March, he told me he liked me and want to date. That how he tried to build things last year, but because I wasn't over my ex, he decided to help me heal. I told him that I didn't want to rush but rather see how things go. We've hung about six times consistently & I think this is where my feelings grew more. We got intimate for the first time about two weeks ago, which I kinda regret because I noticed his behavior changed. He knows I'm a virgin btw, but we kissed and did foreplay. He kept saying how he wanted to "put it in", but didn't want to be labelled like my ex. After this day, I noticed how he would not respond like he used to, leave me on read, mostly talk about sexual things. He even mentioned how if I was waiting until marriage, he would have been like hell no and leave. I'm like okay... Then I want to talk to him more besides talking, but he never calls me. We've only talked on the phone about three times since we started seeing each other. And when we do meet, we talk but he's mostly on his phone and doesn't pay much attention to me until he wants to makeout. Hence why I asked him if he genuinely likes me. He said he did. So just hurt now because I felt like I wasted time and opened up too much. We would talk everyday and hang out for like 4 hours. Haven't talked to him for three days. For him to not even wish me luck on a strenous exam that I vented to him about a week prior (cause I'm at risk of failing) hurts me.
JuneL Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 You should have blocked him a year ago, after he flaked on you and shot down your plans a couple of times.
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 This is why we date...to find out if they are a jerk or not. Honestly tho, either he is thick headed / just insensitive or his sense of humor is not your taste. In any case I would be totally turned off by his comment and the way he didn't really own it at first, knowing your situation with your hair. And I know how woman are about their hair because I'm one of them. IMO he's looking like an insensitive jerk and you are too sensitive...I bet he's rethinking his decision to date you. Now that's not a bad thing...just came to the realization that you are not personality compatible. better to find out now rather than later being more invested. 1
Nnam Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Like everyone else here, I am not sure we are in on all of what this story entails, but if you do share something for him I am sure it will be sorted out.
kendahke Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Totally overreacted. Dude drew back a bloody stump--he's not going to be reaching out like he used to.
Author faithandfood Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 Totally overreacted. Dude drew back a bloody stump--he's not going to be reaching out like he used to. Should I just block then?
kendahke Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Should I just block then? I thought he spent a year as your good friend? You can't scale back to that?
Mrin Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I'd run like the wind if a woman I was just starting to date reacted like that. That being said - in the bigger picture it sounds like he's kind of a douche so it isn't like you're missing out on anyting great. 1
Author faithandfood Posted April 14, 2019 Author Posted April 14, 2019 (edited) So last Monday, a guy that I've been seeing for about three months (we've been friends for a year) pointed out that my new hairstyle was fake and not real (obviously, as he has seen me with many styles), which hurt my feelings. When I told him my feelings were hurt, he just said "I know the truth hurts" and "okay I'm done having fun". Because of this, I told him that I was not going to take disrespect as jokes nor have my self-esteem brought down. And how I also won't take any emotional abuse. Mentioned the emotional abuse because he would be on his phone during our meets, wouldn't call/just text, leave me on read and respond like 2 hrs, and barely wanted to talk until we made out. I would drive about forty minutes to see him. I've opened up to him about my past hurts, especially my abusive ex. And things have gotten intimate, as I am virgin but he reassured he wasn't going to pressure me like my ex. Anyhow, after the hair incident, he was just like "my bad, didn't mean it" "sorry if u angry" and I left him on read because I had an exam the next day. Come Tuesday, he barely talks to me until the evening where he says "wanted to apologize again" I told him it was okay and how I appreciated his apology. And he left me on read. Usually, we've been talking almost everyday since January. So four days passed and it's Friday. He sends me this "Hey u don't need to stop speaking with me because things didn't work out. We could still be friends unless you don't want that". Mind you, I didn't even know we were over. So I told him how we needed to talk about the issue. So he then said this, "Well I would be honest with you. I'm wrong for what I said. I asked people and they said I was wrong but to call it an "abusive" shocked me. That's something I never want to be associated with. My mom raised me better than that. I mean I have moved on about the issue. I believe I made a mistake asking you out without knowing more about your personality. So I'm cool and I hope also you're cool. Let's keep the friendship going" ... So for him to say how he regrets asking me out when we've been friends for a year... And I also never called him abusive, which I told him, but the signs were there. So I sent him paragraphs about how I felt. How he could have just been upfront with me instead of leaving me with questions. He then mentioned how he's goofy, that's his personality, how he didn't know I was sensitive about my hair. Like... again, I said how I felt. That he invalidated my feelings after I first told him I didn't like it. He then said "My bad, I sincerely apologize" and I told him it was cool and that was that. He sent me a message that said "Friends ?" and I left him on read since. He's been watching all my posts on social media (usually the first one). I have so many questions. I'm just mad because I cut him off before last year after he would flake after we would make plans. And the fact he wants to be friends by dumping me like that... Just need advice Edited April 14, 2019 by faithandfood
stillafool Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 It doesn't seem like you guys are in a relationship. Did he ask you to be his girl or did you guys just go on some dates and hung out? At any rate if a guy ghosts you certainly do not entertain him again or leave a way for him to communicate with me again. I think you'd do best to forget about this guy and wait for a guy who is more interested and not bothered by the fact that you wear weaves.
Mrin Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 As I said in your last post, you red flag overreacted to his comments. Like, Run Forrest Run overreacted. That being said, the guy sounds like a douche. You're not missing out on much. He's just going the "let's be friends" route because he wants to end things romantically with you without his tires being slashed, his bunny boiled or his name dragged through the mud socially. I'd just stop talking to him and move on.
Author faithandfood Posted April 14, 2019 Author Posted April 14, 2019 As I said in your last post, you red flag overreacted to his comments. Like, Run Forrest Run overreacted. That being said, the guy sounds like a douche. You're not missing out on much. He's just going the "let's be friends" route because he wants to end things romantically with you without his tires being slashed, his bunny boiled or his name dragged through the mud socially. I'd just stop talking to him and move on. Should I block or just leave him? I mean I didn't even call him abusive..but the signs were there already.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 I don't think you overreacted. He's the one who kept making rude remarks. Don't give him any more time or attention, unless you want more of the same treatment.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 Should I block or just leave him? I mean I didn't even call him abusive..but the signs were there already. No, but you certainly implied it. In any event, he is telling you he doesn't want to keep dating you but hopes there will be no hard feelings. I don't think he was genuinely offering friendship as much as just wanting to smooth the waters enough to be cordial when you bump into each other. Given the backstory between you and him, his interest in you wasn't all that high anymore, anyway. It's best to just leave this one alone so you can move on. Whether you choose to block him or not is beside the point and won't change the ultimate outcome, but it might be a good idea so you can emotionally detach from him.
preraph Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 Most men are not big on fake hair. I mean, they know it looks good, but they also know it comes off either before or in bed and is awkward and it limits them playing with your hair, obviously. In a way, it's nice he's just as good with your natural hair. Because you won't want to always wear fake hair. So he didn't use any tact there, his bad. But he did let you know he prefers natural hair. It's great you let him know that's your call. He did apologize. As long as criticism doesn't become the norm for him or this "only joking" business isn't a permanent personality feature of his, I'd let this one go and just see if it happens again. For God's sake, don't ask him if your butt looks fat or anything like that, because he's going to tell you! 1
preraph Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 If this has been dragging on for a year and you're not really interested in him, then just stop making contact and less and less often.
Mrin Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 Should I block or just leave him? I mean I didn't even call him abusive..but the signs were there already. I'm not a blocker type of guy. But I'd just not reply to him anymore and walk away.
Kelliousme Posted April 14, 2019 Posted April 14, 2019 Honestly men can be stupid sometimes. I don't see his comment about your hair as being rude at all. IT CAN also be possible that he said it in a way to really mean he likes your hair, it's nice, however it's still not your hair but he your real hair because it's yours (ya know what I mean?). If I was him and you reacted that way towards me, I WOULD RUN! But, he apologized and you left him on read. So I don't blame him. Anyways, I guess it was just never meant to be.
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