Is fighting normal?

[Ariesgirly]

Hey friends its me again. I have been now dating my man for about 4/12 months. About a month ago the arguing started and it seems to surround the same issues... bad habits with him drinking excessively, vaping and chewing. I knew going into it that he did these things but as time has progressed he seems to drink more often on the weekdays than before, vaping constantly to the point I cant stand the smell and the chew he is no longer hiding from me.

 

We view these "disagreements" differently. I think they are "fights" that are leading us to the doomed ending and he still thinks we have a great relationship because he doesn't view these as fights but more disagrements. In the past every man I have dated closes up more and more everytime we argue or disagree until they dump me. I have been insecure every time I get upset about his habits that he will dump me and regret ever speaking my mind.

 

Last night I got upset because I had been holding it in that it made me uncomfortable that he vapes the entire night I'm there and that he makes cocktails for himself every night, which I view as borderline alcoholic. It was an emotional explosion that felt silly afterwards. He said we needed to go to bed because wouldn't resolve anything and this morning we woke up and I felt depressed and almost in tears in fear and he acted as if nothing happened, asked me to stay for breakfast and then said "see you tonight!" when I left.

 

I have PTSD from fighting in relationships that I am so fearful to speak my mind or rock the boat that any time I express a negative emotion I feel it is going to be the end. This man tells me he loves me everyday and I still don't have trust that he will stick around through my emotions. How much fighting is normal in a relationship? Does it make you stronger?

[notthatintome]

This is coming from someone who has a history of dating abusive men.

 

I think you are setting yourself up for heartache with this guy. It’s not normal to argue that much in the beginning and these ‘disagreements’ are his normal. Over time these will escalate and your depression will worsen. Is it really worth lt? You need time out to work on yourself and realise your worth. I am just starting to do this myself.

 

I went out with a borderline alcoholic for many years. He was a great person but over time I just couldn’t handle it anymore. The longer the relationship is, the messier it is to escape. If I were you I would leave now and enjoy a life free from heartache.

[TheFinalWord]

People don't change, unless they want to. He doesn't see a problem with his behaviors and isn't going to change.

 

I'm unsure why women get themselves involved with guys that have deal-breaking habits for them, that think that will change. Not going to happen. What you're seeing of them at the beginning (first 90 days), is their absolute best behavior. If it bothers you then, you can expect it will get even more blatant. He no longer feels he has to not be himself around you and just chews and whatever in front of you. The honeymoon is over. You'll either have to decide that you can live with his behaviors, and stop fighting about it or end things.

[RecentChange]

I suppose everyone is different- but I really enjoy harmony.

 

That means a high level of compatibility and very little arguing and fighting, especially within the first year.

 

Honestly this sounds like a compatibly issue. He drinks and vapes and chews excessively- you don’t want a partner who drinks, vapes and chews excessively.

 

Wanting someone to change, and be the person you hope they would be, rather than being compatible with the person they are - isn’t a good sign.

 

It’s not how long lasting, low drama relationships generally start.

 

In my opinion, being able to resolve differences quickly and easily is one of the most important skills a couple can have.

 

It sounds like you voice your opinion, and he just keeps doing what he is doing.

 

I say either you have to accept him as he is, or accept the fact that he isn’t compatible with you.

[preraph]

Sure, he's happy as a clam because he knows he's not about to compromise with you about anything and thinks you'll stay anyway. He sounds absolutely disgusting. When are you going to realize you'd be better off on your own than with this caliber of man?

[Lotsgoingon]

I think you want to interpret the "fighting" differently.

 

First of all, I think of fighting or healthy fighting as when a couple is further into the relationship and there is a true misunderstanding of expectations. I'm mad that you did X to me ... and you are mad that I did or didn't do x for you.

 

His habits this early on ... those are not fight issues. Those are YOU DECIDE if you can be happy with a person with that habit issue! You don't want to have a "fight" over drinking. What's the point. You want to simply note that you don't want to be with someone who drinks a lot. Same with vaping etc.

 

In other words, you fight when a person has directly harmed you ... or ignored you ... or been thoughtless. You're fighting on this guy's basic life. Imagine if he were to get mad that you read a lot of books or mad that you were a fan of whatever, NCIS ... Really, your preferences are none of his business.

 

So the bottom line here is you want to be clear that you don't want to be with someone with X habit ... or that you are OK with being with someone with X habit. Expecting him to change for you ... would be like expecting you (let's make you a reader again) ... will change your book preferences for him.

 

Better to simply walk out ... and say you just aren't comfortable with the way he drinks. Literally no blame ... and you don't need to get angry. He's not a babysitter you hired who is drinking on the job. Anger at that person would be reasonable, but even in that case you don't get caught up in a fight. Rather, you fire the drinking babysitter and find a replacement more to your liking.

 

There is no point to your fighting. You might as well be fighting about how close he is to his mother. Can you see how outa bounds that is?

[BaileyB]

Dating is about trying people on to see how they fit... If this guy drinks excessively, vapes, and chews constantly and you don’t like this - then simply put, you don’t fit.

 

I wouldn’t waste my time arguing with a man or trying to get him to change. He is his own person, capable of making his own decisions... If you don’t like the choices he makes... then, you need to leave.

 

As to your question about arguing, not in my relationship. I too like harmony and I could never be in a relationship that has a lot of conflict.

[basil67]

Hi Ariesgirly, this is totally not normal or healthy. And if it made you stronger, you wouldn't have PTSD. And truth be told, if fighting like this has been a pattern in past relationships, I can see why those relationships have gone bad.

 

The thing you're doing wrong is trying to change a person who has made it clear that this is who he is. Of course he's going to fight back - he's happy with who he is and has no intention of changing. It's not even as if he's changed after you've been with him for years and you're trying to get this back on track....he's been like this since the start. And it's only a fledgling relationship to start with.

 

In future, when something comes up which you aren't happy with, mention it ONCE. If they agree you've got a point and alter the way they behave, then that's great. But if they don't want to change you have two options: either accept that annoying behaviour or leave. It really is this simple. But don't go starting fights that you're never going to win.

 

Could it be that you're so desperate for a relationship that even being with Mr Wrong is better than being alone for a bit till Mr Right comes along?

[basil67]

In other words, you fight when a person has directly harmed you ... or ignored you ... or been thoughtless.

 

Lotsgoingon, I agree with what you've written, but want to take this a step further for the OP.

 

In my relationship, we wouldn't even get as far as fighting if our partner behaves in a way we don't like. What we do is talk about it and try to resolve the issue without it even becoming a fight in the first place.

[Lotsgoingon]

Lotsgoingon, I agree with what you've written, but want to take this a step further for the OP.

 

In my relationship, we wouldn't even get as far as fighting if our partner behaves in a way we don't like. What we do is talk about it and try to resolve the issue without it even becoming a fight in the first place.

 

Totally agree Basil. By fighting, I mean constructively discussing for the most part ... and yes where there is real trust in a relationship, no need to jump to a fight.

[BaileyB]

It’s not exactly a “fight” per se... but, my boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in together for a long time. The plan was to move in together this spring, live together for a few years before buying or building “our” home. However, as the date approaches, I was starting to have some serious concerns - logistical, emotional, financial...

 

A few weeks ago, I told my boyfriend that I have been thinking a lot about moving in and it was causing me a lot of stress. I didn’t say that I wouldn’t move in, and I didn’t say that I didn’t want to move in... I just said, the thought is causing me stress for the following reasons...

 

The very next day, he took the decision out of my hands. He decided we needed to move the date of our “long term plan” up, he told his son what he intended, we have met with the bank, and we are planning to start building this summer. I didn’t have to ask, we didn’t argue - he heard what I said and he acted without being asked. It has taken all the pressure off and we are now both really excited!

 

Fighting doesn’t make you stronger, it wears you down. The best relationships are easy and relatively conflict free. And yes, the mistake you are making is believing that you can change him... you have chosen an incompatible partner, and you are trying to change him. It’s not going to work. I’m sorry.

[Curiousroxy86]

Wtf? Stop fighting or leave. He drinks, he vapes, he chews. If you don't like it then leave. If you want to keep him then you have to accept what is. You only need to communicate your boundaries ONE TIME. Maaaaaybe twice. If he keeps doing what he wants to do (which he has the right by the way) then YOU need to accept that he is going to continue and make a decision on how you want to live. If you keep bitching at him then yes he probably will leave.

 

The solution to your problem is stop arguing or leave because fights are caused by you and you alone. There is NO REASON to fight. The person who has a problem with something the other person does not need to accept or leave. When you tell your significant other about something that bothers you then they have the choice to give you what you want or not. If they don't give you what you want? Accept or leave. Your not his mother or puppet master.

[Woggle]

Every couple has disagreements but if it is a regular feature then it is not good. At the end of the day he is who he is and if that is not what you want then maybe it is best to move on.

[smackie9]

When you tell him you don't like the things he enjoys, and fight about it....you are not right for each other. Breakup and leave the poor guy alone.

[kendahke]

Hey friends its me again. I have been now dating my man for about 4/12 months. About a month ago the arguing started and it seems to surround the same issues... bad habits with him drinking excessively, vaping and chewing. I knew going into it that he did these things but as time has progressed he seems to drink more often on the weekdays than before, vaping constantly to the point I cant stand the smell and the chew he is no longer hiding from me.

 

The representatives have been sent home. Meet the real him and the real you. This is who he actually is and does--what he was doing before Christmas.

 

You cannot abide these habits. That is your truth. This is going to be a "rinse and repeat" phenomenon in your relationship if you choose to keep going forward. There is no guarantee that he's going to scale back on anything--while he may promise, delivering may prove more challenging than he is capable of meeting. Keep that in mind when you try to make this about you.

 

We view these "disagreements" differently. I think they are "fights" that are leading us to the doomed ending and he still thinks we have a great relationship because he doesn't view these as fights but more disagrements. In the past every man I have dated closes up more and more everytime we argue or disagree until they dump me. I have been insecure every time I get upset about his habits that he will dump me and regret ever speaking my mind. I have PTSD from fighting in relationships that I am so fearful to speak my mind or rock the boat that any time I express a negative emotion I feel it is going to be the end. This man tells me he loves me everyday and I still don't have trust that he will stick around through my emotions. How much fighting is normal in a relationship? Does it make you stronger?

Always always opt for standing in your truth and speaking it--and yes, sometimes you have to take a butt whippin' for it, but you will not have betrayed yourself if you stand firm in what you believe. He either has to level up or step aside.

 

Addressing problems is normal--coming to an mutual understanding is normal and healthy. You both need to know where you're going. Anything that buttresses the esteem of the relationship makes it stronger and that includes making sure you're on the same page of the same chapter in the same book with your intentions towards each other.

 

From what you've written, if you think he's worth being very frank with and seeing if he will arse himself to rise to the occasion, then rein in the urge to live in the future and just take things day by day. Observe if anything changes. His tactic to manage you might be avoidance--since he didn't want to address you and then played it off the next morning. Don't let your anger build up to such a point where you explode because your message and reason are valid and he needs to hear it. This is going to have to be approached from a very calm center.

Edited April 11, 2019 by kendahke

[dispatch3d]

To me this is just stuff you would work through as a couple - although I will say both issues are a tough one to curb, as smoking and drinking are both addictive/forces of habit. Even if he agrees to do less of each a lot of people can't stop either of these without quitting altogether. Which can be difficult in itself (I myself stopped drinking 4ish years ago).

 

Someone mentioned thinking of moving in with a boyfriend and he made the decision for her and that solved a lot of problems. That would drive me nuts, but anyway to each his own I guess.....

[BaileyB]

Someone mentioned thinking of moving in with a boyfriend and he made the decision for her and that solved a lot of problems. That would drive me nuts, but anyway to each his own I guess.....

 

He didn’t make the decision for me. He took a plan that we had been discussing and set it in motion, sooner than anticipated. He didn’t ask me to do something that didn’t feel good to me, and changed his plan to alleviate my stress.

 

I shared the story as an example of a partner who was in tune with how I was feeling and made a different decision because he didn’t want me to feel the stress/do something that didn’t feel good to me. If this guy was more considerate, he would hear her concerns and perhaps make some changes to his behaviour... not that he needs to, because he has every right to do what he wants to do. But, if he was concerned about his partners feelings, it wouldn’t be a fight... there would be more effort made to be considerate and compromise.

[Highndry]

When you tell him you don't like the things he enjoys, and fight about it....you are not right for each other. Breakup and leave the poor guy alone.

 

 

^^Succinct and accurate. This guy is not a match for you and I have no idea why you would even think he was. He is an addict of many substances, and that's not going to change unless he wants it to. Time to move on and save both of you the grief.