Confused8275 Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 Hi everyone, this might sound all over the place, so apologies because I’m just beside myself right now and can’t seem to keep it together at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been together 7 months, exclusive, in a relationship, so I am taken aback by his actions. I would say the past couple of months, things have cooled down as we are past that honeymoon phase and he has introduced me to some friends and family and there have been times he would become distant, but things would resume as usual after a bit. This time is a bit different, however, and now I am feeling ignored. I’d like to add that we have a wonderful time when together, otherwise, he lacks the ability to cope with any stress going on in his life and just completely shuts me out. I have realized the usual nice texts I used to receive, the enthusiasm, the overall interest level on his part has completely ceased, although when I have asked to see each other, he gladly accepts and is quite loving whilst together. I have not seen him in over one week, and that is understandable as we both have children from previous marriages and he had been fighting off the flu. I noticed he was actually dismissing some of my texts over the weekend, and we were supposed to get together but as mentioned earlier, he was not feeling well. So Monday, I gave him a call and wanted to see how he was and also wanted to just throw my feelings out there and let him know how I felt about things shifting in our relationship (all on his part). He was too busy doing housework and just didn’t seem very interested in talking, I was completely dismissed. At the same time I was hoping we could set up some time to see each other this week. I decided to end the conversation so he can get to his chores and text him my feelings so he can read when he has the time. It was non-accusatory, but I also shared what I was feeling but reassured him that I appreciate him so much and want this to work. I got no reply. No reply that whole day. So I waited until the following day (Monday), texted him to ask if he was just never planning on ever responding or speaking to me again and that if anything I said in that text offended him. I was very sorry. I’d like to reiterate there were no accusations or harsh words. He finally texted back saying he just doesn’t even know what to say to me and that he’s been sick, stressed and so incredibly overwhelmed that he feels stretched thin. That he feels like he doesn’t have the time for anything or anyone and has nothing to show for it. That he knows it isn’t fair to me and understands where I’m coming from. I wasn’t sure if that was a breakup text so I asked him to clarify- I asked if he was just wanting to cut ties at this point. He responded saying, no, he does not want that. He’s just busy and been sick. I responded saying I hope things get better and I’m here for him. That was the end of it. So that was Monday, not a peep from him yesterday, then today I thought I would just reach out one more time. My last ditch effort- I sent him a text saying I was thinking about him and hope he was feeling better and that I do miss spending time with him and hope to see him soon. That was a few hours ago and I’ve heard nothing. A few hours would be nothing, but again, I am comparing to how quickly he usually responds. I am not sure at this point whether to assume it’s over, or just that he needs space. He said he did not want to cut ties, that was his chance to just come out and say he would rather go separate ways if that was the case. I’ve been so good to this guy, offered support during stressful times, bringing him food when not feeling well in the past so he can relax, surprised him with a spa day recently, was there for him during a family crisis, so I find this so difficult to comprehend, especially from a 36 year old man. A man who spent 7 months with me, not 7 dates. That was my last time to try, it what do you all think? He has vanished completely? I’ve just never done this to anyone and I know 7 months isn’t long, however, I would still have the respect to let that person know if I didn’t think things were working. Thank you all in advance for your thoughts/suggestions.
basil67 Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 Hi Confused, I can only imagine the frustration you're feeling. I've got a few thoughts, but they are quite different observations, so you're getting bullet points from me. * The rose coloured glasses have come off. You've now discovered that your boyfriend varies between being distant and being present. You've discovered that he's a poor communicator and pulls away when dealing with stress. Forget about what he wants for now and ask yourself "is this really what I want in my life?" I don't know about you, but for me, his behaviour would be a deal breaker. And let's be clear, this is him - he's not going to change and you'll be dealing with this stuff for the long haul. * By asking him if he wants to break up, you're giving away your power. From your perspective, it doesn't matter what he wants. What matters is what you want. If you're OK with his behaviour, then wait for him to come good. If you're not OK with it, then get out of there. * Last but not least, your timing for addressing this stuff couldn't be worse. He's already sinking under his own issues and his poor coping skills and you're just piling more stuff on and so the logical reaction is that he'll pull back even further. If you don't want this relationship to end, save any discussions until he's got the bandwidth to actually have this conversation with you. Either end it now or give him space for a week or two and see if he recovers enough to have a conversation about how he pulls away. It would be interesting to see if his ex had the same complaint about him. Good luck. 1
Author Confused8275 Posted April 10, 2019 Author Posted April 10, 2019 Basil, thank you so much. You have such great points and I do regret attempting to have a discussion of this nature with him during the worst time. Very selfish on my part and I need to learn how to cope with it before engaging in these types of conversations so I'm not hurting the other person. It's unfortunate he deals with things this way. I'm just a bit confused because there are times he does appear to want to spend time with me, and he could honestly just not reciprocate. Just a few minutes ago, he actually did reply to last attempt text. His response was that he missed spending time with me and he's been working nonstop today, things were very hectic. He does occasionally work 10 hour work days and does the job of what a few people should do. So I take that into consideration and I am happy seeing him only once or twice a week. I just feel neglected, as I know that the next time we can see each other is next week, which will be 2 weeks from the last time. I hate sounding selfish, but I just wish there wasn't that much time in between. I wonder how his ex-wife felt as well. There was infidelity there on her part. Cheated on him and is still with the man she cheated on him with, and exposes their children to this man. 1
chillii Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 (edited) Hi. He hasn't really vanished yet but h told you how he's feeling with all he's stuff going on , that's big shyt to be feeling like that in life and to feel so overwhelmed is a big statement. The thing with you and the pressure and questions would triple it, feeling all that from your partner while going through whatever he is , and he's been sick. He did explain and added he doesn't know what else to say , but that he didn;t wanna end it. So it's all right there for ya and atm he's just trying to figure everything he's got going on out.and how he can squeeze you guys in too. Like obviously it's a really bad time for him to even be attempting a relationship and he'd be better off staying out of one right now and working on all the things going on for him. but sometimes these things come along at bad times so he has been trying and does still want it l think but it's all just getting too much and he just doesn't know how to fit it in or what to say anymore. All l could suggest is to either give him some space and time or offer to have a break for a month or two , give him some time with all his stuff, if you'd like to keep this , but it sounds like that might need to be a good while. Or else get out of it all together, As far as what he feels for you , it's hard to say from what you've mentioned and with everything he's dealing with. Edited April 10, 2019 by chillii
chillii Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 Well probably most of what he's dealing with now or a helluva lot of it , is from the marriage break up. That shyt alone can leave your life totally down the toilet . And she screwed around on him , nice , who know the real details but that could take him years and years alone to get over or to emotionally commit. You don't know that it's his lack of coping, anyone can only cope with so much, maybe he has double that plus the marriage and ex stuff. l know when mine broke up it was 3yrs before l could even consider something new, and even that was patchy, life was a total mess and down the toilet,and l was a mess. But yeah so this pressure from you would be def' too much for him right now. But you know , at the same time of course you need to know what's going on and if it can go anywhere, l don;t think he'll be able to answer that for ya though.
Author Confused8275 Posted April 10, 2019 Author Posted April 10, 2019 Thank you, Chillii. Yes, I can see he seems to be afraid to commit. We will become close, then he will sort of distance himself. He just replied again saying he is finally going to hash things out with his manager. He has been coping with a lot there and I'm sure that, with single parenting, issues with family. Not helping. And I do feel bad asking him for attention at the worst time. I doubt this has much to do with the ex anymore as they have been divorced for 5 years now. But regardless, so much on his plate. I will be there if he needs me and reaches out, but at the same time, I will try to refrain from asking him for his time.
basil67 Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 Confused, I can see you're trying to give him what he needs. But realistically, is he going to meet your needs?
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I thought he was quite honest but it seems it's not enough for you. Guys are simple...he told you what's up and no he's not ending it. It's simple...the guy needs some space whether you think it's inconsiderate or not. If you can't stand the way things are being handled, there's nothing stopping you from walking. Like I always say, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If it doesn't fit right for you, then make a decision. 3
LauraXX Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Ugh, that's sounds horrible. Sorry you have to deal with that. I think you should read the threads started by Lexxi. Her story sounds so similar (36y old guy, 7 months relationship, both of them have kids from previous marriages, see each other once a week, his heavy workload & recent family crisis and especially the constant hot & cold treatment). Anyway.... she has been given really good advice I think and the same applies here. He's an adult man and he doesn't seem like a bad guy, so I think if he'd really want to end the relationship he'd probably say so and articulate that. But at the same time he seems to have a completely different concept of what this relationship is and there's nothing you can do about that. I've been in a relationship that was pretty much the same (and I started reading Lexxi's thread at that time, so that's probably why I remember all the details so clearly ). I'm sure that your guy enjoys spending time with you, but he doesn't consider you a part of his life. It's almost like spending time with you is a nice hobby that he likes to do in his free time but when he's busy or when he has other things on his mind, he can't be bothered.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I wonder how his ex-wife felt as well. There was infidelity there on her part. Cheated on him and is still with the man she cheated on him with, and exposes their children to this man. How long have they been apart now, OP? The language you use ("exposes their children to this") suggests to me that you're repeating/paraphrasing what he has said, which makes me wonder how much hurt he's still carrying around from that split. 1
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Kinda like the old days when the husband says he's going out to get a pack of smokes...and never comes back.
darkmoon Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) Back off. Get on with your own life. I think your devotion might be a bit smothering; there is almost an expectation of him to have to pay you back (so do not be such hard work). Edited April 11, 2019 by darkmoon 1
Mrs._December Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Confused, I can see you're trying to give him what he needs. But realistically, is he going to meet your needs? I agree with this. This entire debacle is all about poor him and how the poor victim can't find the strength to continue struggling with his oh so stressful life and he's sick and he's overworked and the weight of the world is on his shoulders and he loves playing the 'poor me' role to the hilt. Look, he's clearly SHOWN you over and over and over and over that you're not a priority to him. You mention that right in your post where you say he's already backed WAY off from showing you love and affection and you think you're already past the 'honeymoon stage' just because this guy is clearly no longer as invested as you are in this relationship. I have to say, however, that your constant neediness makes you look weak and desperate to him and you're just pushing him away even more than he already is. You really need to just stop looking for something he can't give you. You keep reaching out and begging for his attention and asking if it was something you said or something you texted or something you did and then you apologize for something you don't even know if you actually did or not! You keep asking for his time and asking for his attention and asking what his intentions are and asking if you're breaking up and on and on and on. Why can't YOU decide the fate of this failing relationship? Why does he get to call all the shots? His actions have clearly shown you that he's no longer invested like he used to be, so what else do you really need to know at this point?
Mrs._December Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Back off. Get on with your own life. I think your devotion might be a bit smothering... I agree 100%. You said it much more succinctly than I did!
fishlips Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 I think he has a lot of stuff going on, and it doesn't really have anything to do with you. The best thing to do would probably be to give him some space right now, and let him know that you are there if he wants to talk. Don't push it, though. I would think though, that he would want to confide more in his girlfriend. My husband wasn't the greatest communicator either when I met him (although he has gotten better with the years), but he usually let me know what was going on. In his case, he wanted someone to listen to him vent rather than offer solutions. Are you listening when he talks to you?
bathtub-row Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 If a guy ever pulled this nonsense on me, I’d save him the trouble of breaking up with me and do it for him. You’re so worried about what he’s thinking that you’re ignoring how this guy makes you feel. Yeah, he might’ve been great in the beginning but he isn’t now. And forget about all this stuff about how good you’ve been to him. That could easily be translated into neediness and it actually might’ve annoyed him. Either chill out and accept things as they are, or break up with him. Seven months is really too soon to have these kinds of problems.
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