Chloefrost Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 To cut a very long story short, I was married to someone who kept lying to me about all kinds of things, women, life plans, intentions, etc. I've also been told by multiple people that he's a narcissist. And I agree. Haha. I was a crazy, crazy person in that marriage. So jealous, so insecure, and picking at everything. Just miserable and had no trust in the ex, but did not have the courage to leave. After it was over, met someone great. Have been together almost a year, things are smooth-going and whatnot. I trust him fully. I actually find it odd that I trust him so much, and have not displayed any weird jealous behaviours. I'd come to think that I was just a jealous person, based on my past marriage. It's not that he's perfect. This partner also lied to me before. He said he was hanging out with his male friend alone, when this other girl he had a one night stand with had been there too. I reiterated how important honesty was to me, he understood. And no more lies after that (that I know of). He lied about a small thing recently, and I was perfectly okay with it, understood that it meant nothing. I'm wondering if it's the partner --> this guy makes me feel so loved and he is such a good person that I have a lot of faith in him, and can accept the mistakes he made. My concerns are: - It's not about the partner --> I'm worried that it's a matter of time, that maybe my jealousy and ugly side will pop up one day, if there are triggers. - And if there are triggers, what are some healthy ways people deal with jealousy?
basil67 Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 The wrong partner can bring out our very worst traits. One of my mates was the calmest of calm guys, but with one girl he dated, he just went nuts. It's one of the reasons I'm loathe to call someone a verbal abuser - sometimes it's just a really bad combination of people. As for how to deal with jealousy in the future? First of all, ask yourself (and your mates or us here at Loveshack) if you're being reasonable in your response. If you are, talk about it. If no resolution, leave. 1
Cersei Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 I am doing pretty good with this boyfriend for not being jealous. In the past my own personal insecurities made me jealous over nothing. But a couple weeks ago it kind of came creeping back. We were fooling around about midnight and his phone dinged. The first thing I thought was who is texting him this late on Saturday night?! I had absolutely no reason to think this. He ignored the ding. After a while when things were settled he grabbed his phone right in front of me and said "Oh wow, so and so beat so and so. Check out this score!" and showed me his phone. The "late night text" was some type of a sports alert. I felt really guilty I thought this way. I think jealously can be a relationship killer.
Mrs._December Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 I think, because your marriage was such a chaotic and emotionally draining experience for you, that you're craving 'normal' in your life. I went through a similar situation where it was nothing but chaos and emotional hell and after a year of it, I was literally craving NORMAL and no more crazy. But in my desire to have 'normal' back in my life, I overlooked a few slight red flags just because I was so happy to be off the roller-coaster and be with someone normal again. And I think that's what you're doing by allowing him to lie to you and being ok with it. Because for you it's STILL better than your prior hell. If you keep allowing this guy to lie to you, your ugly jealous side will eventually come back - how could it not? 1
Wallysbears Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 This isn't the same guy from September who lied about being divorced is it? As to your original question...I think that people are either jealous or they aren't and a lot of that is based on their own security/insecurity. I find the times in my life that I've felt jealousy were when I was feeling particularly insecure.
kendahke Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 I think we all know/heard of someone we've gone to school with back in the day who was crazy jealous if her bestie befriended some other girl she didn't like. Jealousy has to do with feelings of not being good enough to be accepted or loved and that sometimes starts in the home. I think romantic relationships trigger an unaddressed aspect of this. The best way to chill is to do some work with a therapist so you learn the tools to self soothe and not get triggered easily. You have to figure out which are the hills worth dying on and let the rest of it go.
excellen Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 The wrong partner can bring out our very worst traits. One of my mates was the calmest of calm guys, but with one girl he dated, he just went nuts. It's one of the reasons I'm loathe to call someone a verbal abuser - sometimes it's just a really bad combination of people. As for how to deal with jealousy in the future? First of all, ask yourself (and your mates or us here at Loveshack) if you're being reasonable in your response. If you are, talk about it. If no resolution, leave. I could not agree with this more. My ex and I dated for over 3 years. After falling head over heels, I always felt insecure, because of her actions. There was very little expressive words, she would give me a ton of mixed signals, she was hot and then cold, she would argue with me rather than talk about things over the smallest things, and then when I tried to address them she would go on to simply say she "doesn't want to talk about it". It was all in all, a very exhausting and toxic relationship. I was in love with a girl who I was uncertain felt the same way about me. Now I am a generally chilled out guy, but I got extremely jealous, and quite possessive and insecure with her. I always doubted whether she is losing interest in me, and it was just extremely draining. My current GF and I have the exact opposite relationship. Very healthy, we talk about everything, we express everything, every concern, etc. And I am never jealous simply because I am secure, and because I really trust her. I truly believe that two people that are not right for each other simply bring out the worst in each other. Love is not enough to make it work, one needs compatibility and a mutual understanding.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 10, 2019 Posted April 10, 2019 You were jealous because you were in a bad relationship and in your own words, you didn't have the courage to leave. There is no other way to be in such an arrangement other than fiercely and insecurely jealous. As simple as that. You could go out and date another man who betrays you that you don't trust. And your jealously would pop right back to the forefront. Now, there ARE some people who are controlling jealous types or pathological jealous types. If you're asking if those folks exist, they do. They appear on crime documentaries every day of the week. They follow people around, get mad that their partner said hello to a coworker and on and on. When I've been jealous (I tend not to be) it has been because I was right insecure about the relationship ... instead of facing that directly (sometimes it's hard to see if someone is not into you if you are into them) ... I deflected my vision ... and got jealous. Now, I see my own jealousy pretty clearly as a sign that the relationship is not reassuring to me, isn't working for me, and I need to get out. A good relationship and a good partner reassure you and tend to snuff out any need for jealousy.
preraph Posted April 11, 2019 Posted April 11, 2019 Jealousy is in the end the characteristic of the person who's jealous. If a person was bullet-proof secure, which no one is, they wouldn't get jealous no matter what. Jealousy is fear and insecurity. That said, it's true what someone above said that some people bring out the worst in you, and you should always walk away when that happens. 1
Author Chloefrost Posted April 11, 2019 Author Posted April 11, 2019 It is the same guy, but other than 3 lies in a whole year, no other thing that's a lie. Hmmm yea I think I have some deep seated issues about whether I deserve love and stuff like that. Would love to take the advice to work things out with a therapist, but I'm too broke for one haha. Doing tonnes of self help books instead, hopefully those help! Glad to hear opinions that it's also about compatibility and the person you're with! Hoping I don't screw up with this one.!
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